New Reality

[AB3]

My life has changed so much in such a small amount of time, but I'm sure all of our lives have been disrupted in one way or another. Prior to my fiances death I had a family (his family) and a handful of friends. Before he came along I only had my mom in terms of family but when I meant him he introduced me to a unfamiliar world. He shared his four siblings with me and they in a sense become mine. I had gotten really close to his dad's side of the family especially after we moved near them a couple of years ago. I didn't really care if I had alot of friends because he was my best friend. Now everything has changed. Everyone has went on with their lives and I don't hear from anyone anymore except for his mom every now and then. I was trying to stay in contact with them but I was the only one reaching out. I don't even recognize myself or my life anymore. If I didn't have my mother in my life I would probably have no one. I guess this is just my new reality.

Has anyone else experienced this? 

[Guest]

AB i honestly can't answer this from first hand experience. But from reading alot of posts from others that have i have pieced together my opinion of what brings it on. Of course, no one has to agree. It's just my opinion. Before getting into it, please everyone understand these aren't my thoughts or feelings. I don't mean to be stepping on anyone's toes or to be insensitive. 

I think in a lot of cases it's just people's reactions to something they don't understand more because they've never experienced it firsthand than anything else. Ignorance breeds stupidity sometimes. I really believe that some people who have never experiences grief from losing a really close loved one don't understand what grieving is all about. It seems that some people believe that grief comes to us with a 6 month shelf life. On the 1st day of month #7 we are going to wake up with a cheshire cat grin on our face, and everything is just going to be rainbows and lollypops.  Geez, but wouldn't that be wonderful! Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses for those people. Explain it-yes. Make excuses for it-NO!  With some, it's maybe just a case of them avoiding you only because they are tired of being put on the spot when they don't know what the right thing really is that should be said, or done for you, etc. Again---explaining-yes. Making excuses-NO! There really is no good excuse for ignorance or insensitivity. But when you look down at people's feet and see the number of people wearing loafers because they can't tie their own shoes, it's not really much of a stretch to envision them not knowing how to deal with someone that is grieving. 

That's from my soapbox anyway.

Darrel

[AB3]

35 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

AB i honestly can't answer this from first hand experience. But from reading alot of posts from others that have i have pieced together my opinion of what brings it on. Of course, no one has to agree. It's just my opinion. Before getting into it, please everyone understand these aren't my thoughts or feelings. I don't mean to be stepping on anyone's toes or to be insensitive. 

I think in a lot of cases it's just people's reactions to something they don't understand more because they've never experienced it firsthand than anything else. Ignorance breeds stupidity sometimes. I really believe that some people who have never experiences grief from losing a really close loved one don't understand what grieving is all about. It seems that some people believe that grief comes to us with a 6 month shelf life. On the 1st day of month #7 we are going to wake up with a cheshire cat grin on our face, and everything is just going to be rainbows and lollypops.  Geez, but wouldn't that be wonderful! Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses for those people. Explain it-yes. Make excuses for it-NO!  With some, it's maybe just a case of them avoiding you only because they are tired of being put on the spot when they don't know what the right thing really is that should be said, or done for you, etc. Again---explaining-yes. Making excuses-NO! There really is no good excuse for ignorance or insensitivity. But when you look down at people's feet and see the number of people wearing loafers because they can't tie their own shoes, it's not really much of a stretch to envision them not knowing how to deal with someone that is grieving. 

That's from my soapbox anyway.

Darrel

Darrel, I can definitely understand what you are saying and agree. However, I would think that his family, whom he was really close to would understand my grief in some ways. I've been thinking maybe it's just hard for them to be around me or talk to me because him and I were attached at the hip. Whatever the case may be it's hard to adjust to being completely alone again after so many years. 

[Marie Lee]

Yes AB it's very common unfortunately ..Darrel, love the rainbow and lollipop analogy lol!

[AB3]

35 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

Yes AB it's very common unfortunately 

Yea, it's pretty sad because I know he wouldn't have wanted things to be like this.....

[Guest]

1 hour ago, AB3 said:

Darrel, I can definitely understand what you are saying and agree. However, I would think that his family, whom he was really close to would understand my grief in some ways. I've been thinking maybe it's just hard for them to be around me or talk to me because him and I were attached at the hip. Whatever the case may be it's hard to adjust to being completely alone again after so many years. 

AB I sincerely apologize if my comments seemed mean toward his parents. I don't mean to overly defend myself, but i think i'm guilty of maybe over generalizing just to not get too long winded. I tend to do that alot.

[AB3]

1 minute ago, olemisfit said:

AB I sincerely apologize if my comments seemed mean toward his parents. I don't mean to overly defend myself, but i think i'm guilty of maybe over generalizing just to not get too long winded. I tend to do that alot.

Darrel you have nothing to apologize for as I agree with everything that you wrote. It's just an unfortunate circumstance that I as well as many others find themselves in but it is what it is. 

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

Yes AB it's very common unfortunately ..Darrel, love the rainbow and lollipop analogy lol!

Thanks. I thought somebody would maybe appreciate that bit of nostalgia.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I have a 50 year history with my husband's family.  They never were all that welcoming towards me but since Gord died I am non-existant.  They barely acknowledge our son. Their loss not ours.

Yup, you hit many nails on the head Darrel.  

Sorry you feel as you do AB.  I do understand how much it can hurt.

[kevin]

My former in-laws have detached themselves from me......I personally thought they were "takers"not "givers", Angela was straight forward and honest about it.....She said once her mother passed away, she had no interest in going back east for any vacations...Unfortunately, her request was to have her Ashes Spread back there.......That will be fun.....All part of the Journey

[scba]

I hardly never heard from my brothers and sisters in law. We shared very nice moments, I am sure they still love me, but at the same time I understand we never were friends in the strict sense. I am a little annoyed at one of them but I hope this feeling will vanish. Geography separates me from them and sometimes I think how many times I will see them again. 

My inlaws don't call me unless I do. They are glad to hear from me. 

I think some people are not good into keeping up with contact, something that requires time and effort.  

This has been my experience. 

I also remember grandma's. When her son died, his family cut the link and never visited her again. When she got into a nursing home after a stroke, they never visited her. None of them attended her funeral. 

Sadly, people leave your side with your loss. We mourn that too. It is all sad.

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, olemisfit said:

I really believe that some people who have never experiences grief from losing a really close loved one don't understand what grieving is all about.

I think that is the %100 reason.   There is absolutely no way to comprehend this if you never have before.  Even with the anticipatory grief and seeing it actually happen, I was in no way prepared for the reality.  We find as time goes by about how we are soooooo misunderstood by the expectation to heal.  A year, two or 10 seems sufficient to those who have no idea the impact of having your life ripped in two and knowing it will never be the same again.  This is a hard reality to face along with the actual loss.  The loneliness it creates now comingles with the actual loneliness itself.  It's a terrible recipe.

I don't know what it is about inlaws, but mine don't reach out to me either.  His sister used to, but after she died, his brother and other family do not.  I can call them, but it would be nice to feel I was still viewed as part of the 'family' that they promised him they would do.  I get more contact from his boss and Steve retired 4 years ago.  Some take thier commitment more seriously I suppose.

[Brad]

I don't have problems with the in laws, Deedo's mom, dad and brother all preceded her in death. Her mom had one brother, soon to be 95, I have been in continuous contact with him and his daughters. They reach out frequently. 

On the other hand I have five sisters. It was eighteen months ago today that Deedo died. Two of my sisters came to her Celebration of Life; a third one sent an email. The other two have yet to acknowledge Deedo's death in any form or manner. Since the Celebration of Life I have only heard from my oldest sister; her husband died nearly thirteen years ago so she knows what I'm going through and Deedo was the only one to reach out to her after her husband died.

This comes as no surprise. We have not been close as adults. When my mom died five years ago, as we got on the plane, I mentioned to Deedo that there was a good chance that the funeral would be the last time I saw my sisters. She was bound and determined not to let that happen and tried desperately to build relationships. I'd think it was me but the girls can't be bothered to talk to each other. Deedo's family had lots of issues but they were very close. My family simply buried our issues and moved away.  

[kayc]

16 hours ago, AB3 said:

Everyone has went on with their lives and I don't hear from anyone anymore

That seems to be the norm.  There are some people whose friends/family are there for them but for the most part, I think most of us feel they've all continued with their lives while ours has come to a crashing halt.  Even if the friends did stick around (mine did not), they don't have a clue what this is like and their responses are often off base.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, kevin said:

Unfortunately, her request was to have her Ashes Spread back there.......That will be fun.....All part of the Journey

Kevin, maybe you could hang onto her ashes and after you're gone your kids could do the spreading.  Just a thought, it might be easier for them than for you, you might prefer to have them with you while you're still on this journey.

[kevin]

KayC, a portion of the Ashes will stay with me for those exact reasons.....My wishes are to mix our remaining ashes and spread them together......

[Autumn2]

I am so sorry but can so relate. When our daughter was killed in an accident 12 years ago we didnt even get a card from one of my husbands sister. The other sibs only cards...no personal note or call. His parents the same. Then when hubby had a quadruple bypass he reached out to sibs to let them know so they could be checked. They never called after that. Same with prostate cancer...they could care less so now...since I dont have him...i said scr.. them. They hurt my hubby numerous times...he ever cried once (and he was not a crier) about their lack of caring. We had more concern for us from the mailman and lady at the library. Ironically when our kids were young we did things together. Never could understand what happened. Now my brother in law has died and I guess they will find out how hurtful this is. No, I did not respond to his death either (just happened) so much for when they go low, I go high. (Ha) Still too much hurt for how he was treated.

[Margm]

Billy's sister and I both cry if we try to talk.  I email his niece.  His sister's husband is not doing good.  She wants to come back to Louisiana if he passes.  (I don't like to say die).  She left LA over 40 years ago.  I was gone 18 years and sometimes you cannot go home again.  No place is home when the most important one is gone.  He was my home.  She lives in NM and LA is not NM.

[kayc]

On 1/29/2017 at 6:06 PM, kevin said:

Unfortunately, her request was to have her Ashes Spread back there

Kevin, perhaps SEND them some of her ashes to spread rather than going back there.  They might appreciate being able to do that themselves and it'd spare you having to go back there and deal with them.  After all, like you said, you'd keep some of her ashes to remain with you until such time both of yours could be spread together.

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

No, I did not respond to his death either (just happened) so much for when they go low, I go high. (Ha) Still too much hurt for how he was treated.

I understand your feelings.  I think I'd send a caring card...they say to kill someone with kindness, not to be mean, but to teach them how they should be.  It's never too late for them to learn, just too late for it to benefit your husband.  I'm so sorry for the pain they put him through.  With all that he was going through, the last thing he needed was pain from his own family.  I understand your ignoring them...sometimes even if we know the high road, it's hard to take.