Grief removes all guard rails

[Margm]

We have always been covered by our state group insurance, both retiring from civil service jobs.  Keep getting calls, emails, snail mail trying to get me to change insurances.  I have no complaint with my group insurance but know if I change, I will never be able to go back.  So far it pays almost 100% of what Medicare does not pay.  I bought four (3 months worth) of medications Friday for $13, so I will just stick with it.  I don't like change.  I hope everyone gets coverage.  I don't have reason to go to doc much, already have been told the radiation and the colon rupture and sepsis make it impossible to do any surgery in the usual places, so hope I can just keep rolling along.  I still am a walking time bomb.  They are having various years school reunions and its the people who are not there that are most noticed.  Doom and gloom feeling to life.  

Talked to sister widow last night.  She was always such a  "tomboy" and could fix things like my mom could.  She has some blockage in her lower body that makes her feet and legs swell and a leaking aortic valve.  She remarried two years after losing her husband and spent the honeymoon and next nearly 12-13 years with him in hospitals.  Now she is alone in a house on the lake that bottom garage will be water soaked when it rains.  Strange, but she spends most of her time trying to get rid of the reminders of his being ill for so long.  I say "strange" but she is following along behind me on this same path, and though there are some differences, not enough that we cannot hold hands across the divide between our paths.  She was just glad to hear that I understood her avoidance, and her trying to stay away from the things that reminded her of so many years of his illness.  She thought it funny a guy had already asked her for a date.  Her mom married three times after losing my friend's dad.  

My mom could be very cruel.  A man approached her in Walmart to ask where something was.  She turned her back on him and walked away, very rudely.  I helped him out.  When I told my mom she was very mean to a man who might have just lost his wife and had never bought groceries by himself.  Her words were "just another man wanting a woman to take care of them."  My mom had many admirable qualities, but kindness was not one of them.  

 

[kayc]

Jack showed up to light the burn pile today (last of the February storm) and I had him cut down the dead cherry tree.  I picked all the apples and left half of them for the deer, will probably make applesauce out of the rest, they'd be good for pies but I need that like a hole in the head.  Kind of tart for just eating.

Anyway, good to get the work done!  Went to walk Joe this morning, the gate was wide open and he was nowhere to be found...alerted his parents, two hours later she went looking for him.  I drove around but didn't see him.  He'd gone back to his previous owner (I know the street but not the house), I was worried about him.  I guess if you have three dogs, sheep, chickens, cat, two small children...you don't worry about a dog so much.  I was so relieved when she let me know she got him back!  I went down and walked him this afternoon, his gait was a little slower than usual!

[mlg]

Kay ,

Your one dog died didn't it?  Is Joe one you inherited because of all their other things?  You are really nice to leave all those apples for the deer.  You said they were really tart. Are they transparent apples?  If so they do make really good apple sauce. Not as big as other apples , we just used for applesauce.  

Is it getting cold up there.  It's been chilly here.  There was a 16 degree swing the one day. Now  it's more like Oct. weather.  We had our Chilifest this weekend and had really good crowds.  Last year or the year before it was almost 90 and this weekend did good to get to 70 and that's more chili weather.

Take care and get geared up for winter.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, mlg said:

Are they transparent apples?  If so they do make really good apple sauce. Not as big as other apples , we just used for applesauce.  

Take care and get geared up for winter.

mlg:  Funny you should bring up transparent apples.  Just today I was remembering how much my hubby and I used to spend so much time picking, peeling, preparing transparent apples.   Our  first little house had the best apple tree right in the front yard.  We would make up enough apple sauce for the whole year and we also would freeze some slices for pies.  Sweet memories.  Dee

[kayc]

Joe isn't mine, he's a neighbor's, I just walk him.
No they aren't transparent apples.  I don't know what they are because they didn't send the right trees but all three bear fruit (the one in the middle was supposed to be a pollinator).  They're okay for eating if you like tart, but very good for baking.

[Gwenivere]

I wound up in the ER AGAIN Saturday.  Now on top of 4 other medical conditions, I now have to have my heart checked despite the usual not finding anything too out of whack for my age and history of smoking.  The heart echo I’m not too freaked out about, tho I hate any tests as I am burned out.  The arterial ultrasound has me feeling overwhelmed.  It’s at a time I am not comfortable with with my anxiety disorder and , as always, I have no one to go with me.  That being Steve, even if I had another friend which I don’t.   It takes over 2 hours for this test!  All I want to do is curl up,pull the covers over me and disappear.  Every day I wake up yearning for good days that began with no dread about facing the world.  I know I’d still have these age problems, but it sure would be nice to get up and not feel so alone and because of that, why I even bother.  I haven’t really figured out why I do these tests when I don’t care about life anymore.  I tried doing something for myself yesterday and got my hair trimmed.  Looks better, but the stylist put some funky stuff on it so I had to wash it again when I got home.  The point was to not have to do that.for a couple of days and make my shower easier with the disabilities.  I can’t even do something nice for myself right!  The anniversary of Steve’s leaving is creeping up at months end.  Som channel I used to watch on TV is running Xmas movies from now til then.  I’m heading into dark months with birthdays, holidays and our anniversary all til January and also have to switch health care plans.  Every time I turn around I get handed another brick for the backpack.  My neighbors finally moved their chickens an gardens out, now officially gone after 15 years of social connection of helping each other.  Just needed to dump my whine of the day til my wine of the day, the only time I feel relaxed before I get to do it all again and now with more tests ahead.  Big outing today was to pick up meds after a phone counseling session that is always less fulfilling than face to face.   Another lonely night of eating alone and then crawling into that bed that used to be.a haven.  Now it’s just another a pretty torture.device.    

Oh, you all can keep the transparent apples.  Nothing but sweet and crisp Gala's for this kid.

[Margm]

Gwen, please feel better.  I know you want to so bad.  Hate the  ER, hate tests.

When I could eat apples I discovered one, cannot remember name for sure, but they were huge.  They were sweet, enough tartness to be an apple, crisp, and just wonderful to eat.  Seems like they were called Pacific Northwest apples.  That might have been an overall group of many apples, but in Louisiana and Arkansas we found them ever so often.  None were their match.  I like a crisp, very sweet, slightly tart......again, very crisp apple.  These were the biggest I had ever seen.  Cannot eat them anymore.  Can have applesauce.

 

 

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, I so wish I lived close to you so I could at least go with you when you have to go through these things...but alas I can't even drive at night and am in the same boat, maybe not having such health issues, but gosh I can't even get my colonoscopy with no one to drive me!  I read my report from five years ago, they said I'm at high risk having had an 8 mm polyp, great.  Have tried calling them several times for an appt, they haven't answered or called me back, I will probably have to go back to my PCP and ask how do I get a hold of them.  I spent four hours talking to my health ins. yesterday, fun, trying to get a straight answer, they all tell you something different, grr!  And after all I was told I forgot to get a ref # so need to start all over!

I'm sorry after trying to get your hair trimmed they wrecked it by putting substance on it, guess you have to warn them ahead of time.  I got mine cut a week ago and she cut a bald spot above my ear, I was NOT happy!  They don't give you a mirror to check it, gee I wonder why!  

And I feel for you with the Christmas movies, I used to put up a tree and watch them with Arlie but don't know how I'm going to do that with him gone, it feels like my little family is no more.   I cried because Arlie wasn't here to celebrate my birthday (Oct. 7), all I could do is bawl on his grave.  God, it's morbid!

I don't know what a transparent apple is but my three trees are all different, but not what was ordered so I don't know what they are, they just look different.  I gave half to the deer, they've eaten most of their half, the rest I'll probably do applesauce with, Lord knows the last thing I need is pie!

[widow'15]

On 10/8/2019 at 8:46 PM, Gwenivere said:

Oh, you all can keep the transparent apples.  Nothing but sweet and crisp Gala's for this kid.

Gwen:  So sorry more poking and probing and ER visit.  When will it end?  Hoping you find someone to be with you for the 2 hour test. 

Gala's are good, but my very favorite is the sweet and crisp Honeycrisp for munching with a piece of cheddar cheese.  Yum.  Take care.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I find it ironic that there is a commercial running here whose jingle is......it’s a great day to be alive.  I talk back to my TV saying....that’s just your opinion.  

2 heart tests so 2 days of this.  Very scared.  You can hire people to be companions.  That just bums me out.  Paying someone to just be there.  They don’t know or love you.  Don’t know if I will ever adjust to this being alone.

[kayc]

I have a friend who was a companion for many years after retiring (she's now 89).  At least that's how it started out...she has since become a close friend to the lady.  I ran into them at a funeral recently and they are still spending time together, even though she no longer hires out as a senior companion.  

I don't know if I'll ever fully adjust to being alone though either.  It seems to me to be one of the worst tortures there can be.  My sister Peggy just told me the other day that she's glad she has a husband.  Honestly, I don't know what any of my sisters would do without their husbands...but if they tried to imagine it...that is my life and has been since I was still relatively young.  Having to make all decisions, do everything or pay to have it done, something I can ill afford, and no one to talk over my day with.  No one to notice if you make it home.  No one to help care for you when you're incapacitated or ill.  No one to drive me when I can't.  

I hope if this does one thing, it causes others to appreciate what they have.

[Margm]

41 minutes ago, kayc said:

I hope if this does one thing, it causes others to appreciate what they have.

I so appreciate what I have.  I just as much as anyone else, I miss what I had for 54 years.  But, I am so happy we had 54 years.  Some of those years it seemed like the road had come to an end, but we somehow made a new road around the old one.  When the bridge was out, he swam and carried me along to the other side.  I found out, after we had fought and won so many medical battles together, this time he could fight no more.  Accepting that fact made me angry.  Different steps?  Over the years you go through those steps often, and no one can carry you on that path except yourself.  Faith in God helps those that have it.  My faith is always with me, just like my memory of the times we had together.  I see and hear Billy in my son, and I see and hear my mom and Billy's mom in my daughter.  And "the great man" is missed by us all, sometimes I hear the sadness in their voices.  There could only be one of him.  We all feel the void he left in our life.  He was so slow walking, so slow moving, I knew he would be slow leaving.  He wasn't.  

[Margm]

But if this world keeps right on turnin' for the better or the worse
And all he ever gets is older and around
From the rockin' of the cradle to the rollin' of the hearse
The goin' up was worth the comin' down

I "discovered" Kris Kristofferson one night when I was driving up the Linwood entrance off of I-20, going to my work at LSUMC.  I cannot remember where in this apartment I put my two flashlights this past week, but I can remember the moment I heard this man sing in the 1970's.  The song was "Loving Her Was Easier" and I went the next day and bought the album, which probably was an 8-track, or maybe it was a cassette tape.  I know on our recordings for the doctors dictations we used "belts."  Does not matter, I have been through the 45's, 8-tracks, cassettes, You Tube over my Kindle, the CD's and my granddaughter has a vinyl player with lots of needle and vinyls, which we are returning to often now.  For some reason these lyrics are stuck in my head, mostly "And all he ever gets is older and around."  I think in this song "The Pilgrim" he covered a lot of lives, and mine too.  

[Gwenivere]

What a sad song, Marg.  I looked up the lyrics.  They are so opposite of who Steve was.  Billy too, at least from all you have told us.  I’ll be forever stuck with the question with no answer....why him so young?  I’ve allowed this thought to color how I view the residents where I volunteer that are so angry and cruel to everyone.  I know they are really angry at life and what was dealt them.  I feel that often too and am not as kind as I was.  I truly hate that change in me because of his leaving.  I would have thought it would go the other way, that I’d be more understanding because of the loss.  But I keep getting colder every day.  I resent the warmth others feel with their families.  Not proud of who I see in the mirror these days.  I need acceptance in it’s true form.

I’m angry at the people that don’t understand and make judgements on grief.  I had written about a guy that has questioned me about Steve’s van several times.  I replied this time that he did not understand and it was an off limit subject.  Having to get the last word in he replied that I had complained about it financially which is not true at all.  I’ve always said it was because it was Steve’s and I can’t give any more Of him away.  I already have to live with the ultimate loss a person can have.  

The only thing I never had was 8 tracks.  I sure remember vinyl from my first stereos.  Buying albums and 45’s and then wow!  Cassettes came along.  CD's were awesome being able to jump around on a whim.  I have a lot of songs on my iPad now, some old favorites, some new ones I wish he could hear.  I’m not into music anymore tho.  Maybe someday.  It’s hard when your partner was one and their voice and instruments are silenced.  My alarm notoriously goes off to a song from our past.  It’s sad but it makes me get up to avoid more.  i really wish I could find some light in the songs that have intense meaning about us.  There are sayings from TV shows we adopted.  So reruns will sometimes trigger the pain.  

I keep seeing how our stomping grounds are changing and know we would both be grumbling about how more urban it is becoming from the warm niche of places and people that was so cozy.  It’s so strange to prefer night when I can shut all the blinds and not have to see the changes.  Wish he was here behind these blinds and we could adapt together out there.  

 

 

[Margm]

Nope, actually they were more me than Billy.  I keep thinking "all I ever get is older and around".  Billy would not drink at all.  I would when I could but only at parties and only if Billy could make sure he was close to carry me home cause I never could hold my liquor.  Three drinks and I was throwing up.  Of course, cannot do it at all now.   Billy wanted  to be "Jeremiah Johnson" and would have been happy living in a tent way up in the mountains and roughing it.  I liked it too as long as I had my own private commode.  But without him, I want to hear life all around me.  Even that 10-year-old stomping on the floors upstairs at least made me know I had people around.  Guess animals are safer, but I am a coward without Billy.  

[mlg]

Kay, I'm with you about wondering if you will truly ever get used to this life. There are so many things I want to say and he's not here. He would be holding me and telling me he loves me when others are making me feel like when I was in high school. I'm only good enough when they need something. They tell me how much I have helped them through this time and they are sorry that they didn't realize what I was going through until they went through it. Everything is fine if I invite them to do things but do they ever include me. Nope.  Feeling sorry for myself recently and my poor dog has to listen to it all.  Poor thing.

[mlg]

Marg M

I know what you mean about having your faith. If I didn't have God in my life I don't know what I would do.  I don't understand why this happened and I can't say I'm happy about it but I accept God's will with a heavy heart.  Tom had a perfect physical including colonoscopy 3 weeks before his diagnosis and nothing was even a little out of whack.  That's when you say thy will be done. I hope someday I will understand.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

he replied that I had complained about it financially which is not true at all.

He remembers it how he chooses to believe it, he has his own construct in his mind. Ya can't get through to people like that.   I'm glad you were clear and firm with him.

6 hours ago, mlg said:

If I didn't have God in my life I don't know what I would do.

I too am so thankful for my relationship with God, but sometimes I think things happen that are not His will, like babies starving and rape and murder, so I take death with a grain of salt, that it maybe didn't need to happen when it did or how it did... think it'd be easier to have blind faith in everything but that's not how I see it.  At least I have God to go through it all with me, don't know what I'd do without that.  Hard enough with!

 

[Gwenivere]

Had my heart echo yesterday.  It was torture and the tech seemed a bit put out that I had trouble moving like he wanted.  I can’t be the only person unable to nimbly move around.  I hated seeing and hearing my heart but couldn’t escape it.  I could barely walk today from the contortions.  It was a shower night so I got thru it   I cancelled the scan today that was almost 3 hours.  I physically can’t do it and mentally I am so burned out I feel I’m going insane.  Supposed to see my doc tomorrow to discuss all this.  I’m so burned out by the medical crap I am neglecting attention my dogs need and even hurried off the phone from my cousin who’s in the hospital in New Mexico.  I just have nothing to give.  It makes me feel terrible about myself.  

 I just called the lab as I had blood drawn for my thyroid and B12 level.  I need that level as it is how I gauge how often to give myself injections.  The tech didn’t run it and even tho they have the blood, that test has to be done within 24 hours.  So now I get to limp back in there over the weekend.  (I’m not paying 5 bucks to park again and it’s free on sat and sun).  Handicap spots at a big hospital are not really very close like at stores.  I just want to cry as I don’t undestand why these things keep happening to me,  yes, mistakes happen, but every time I turn around I run into more.  I never had these kind of problems in the past one after another.  I dread every time I have to deal with the medical community now.  Flinch when they call or I see a message on my machine when I get home.  

Sorry for the pity party again.  I wish my big guy was here.  I would then be angry which feels much better than this cold loneliness.  

❤️ You guys!

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The tech didn’t run it and even tho they have the blood, that test has to be done within 24 hours.  So now I get to limp back in there over the weekend.

I would be so annoyed!  It's 100+ mile round trip every time I get blood drawn or see a doctor, anything but handy!  And I know it's hard for you to be out.  I hope they do it right this weekend!

[widow'15]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Sorry for the pity party again.  I wish my big guy was here.  I would then be angry which feels much better than this cold loneliness.  

❤️ You guys!

Gwen:  Luv u Back and still hoping things will change for you SOON.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

It never ends!  Saw a partner of my docs and he prescribed a medication that can interact with my little pharmacy.   I just sat and cried in his office.  I picked them up on the way home but adding to my interactive app, I don’t know how I will take it.  Just take a chance I could faint from dizziness?   The damage that would do and no one here.  I did get my heart echo results and they looked good.  

Steves music buddy was by and he brought up the anniversary of his leaving was coming up.  Meaning well, he pointed out all the bad days in 3 months and that I get them over with.  Half I wish were other times of the year like our birthdays and wedding anniversary.  The holidays themselves are hard enough.  This is the slide into real darkness for me.  The weather is bleak too.  The rain used to be cozy together.  Now it’s just bitter and cold.  Harder to take all the holiday buzz and Halloween hasn’t even happened yet.  

I’m sorry for just rambling and being repetitive.  I hated the isolation beforebut even more now that it is being forced on me.  I deliberately avoided another call from my cousin in NM and feel awful about it.  But I wanted to take a quick nap like always before dinner.  My schedule is the only thing I have control of.  Everything around me sweep me up in its twists and my flexibility is long gone.  It left with Steve.  And it’s another weekend.  People with their plans with partners having waited all week for time together.  What really sucks was some nice things happened today too, but there was no one to share them with.  That spark they brought for that instant just died away.

The 29th is coming too quickly.  5 years and less understanding from outsiders.  It’s like having an ace up your sleeve you can’t  play anymore because they are over it.  Has anyone else noticed that saying how long it’s been brings looks that something is wrong with you?  No one wants to hear it anymore.  I don’t blame them.  It has less credibility as the time passes.  The skin hunger is so intense, tho.  I don’t even know if I know how to be close with another human being.  If Steve appeared, I’m not sure I’d know what to do, I’ve been so untouched and touched no one in so long.  

 

 

[kayc]

Today would have been our 18th anniversary.  It's pouring rain like no get out and I have to go to Springfield in this, hoping for no slides on the highway.  Hardly slept last night for anxiety.

Gwen, I hear you...got a letter from my health insurance, wants me to "go over my medicines with them", have done this time and again, why do they think I have a doctor?  Blood pressure Rx in question I've been on for YEARS, it's working, why change it?!  Side effects they list I don't have.  Threw their stupid letter away.  They apparently have a problem with one of my diabetic Rxs too but my doctor says it's safer than the other one people use, I wish they'd leave the doctoring to her.

[brat#2]

My heart goes out to you Kay on your anniversary day.  Mine is coming up soon, next week, going to be hard.  Sending hugs and stay safe on your drive.

 

[Gwenivere]

So sorry about the anniversary, Kay.  You, too, Joyce.  💔

Insurance companies so scare me now.  They hold the purse strings and know it.  I’m sure there are doctors that prescribe meds that aren’t the cheapest, but they aren’t  paid to know that.  They are to find what help the patient.   My doc got calls too.  Pressure to change some and his response WAS I am the doctor!