Three Month Mark

[KathyD]

Hi everyone,

I had read in a few grief books that the third month after the loved one's death can be one of the most difficult. Since I've been hurting so much the past two months I never really thought it could get worse, but now that I've entered/am close to the third month mark I feel as though my emotions before are nothing compared to what they are like now. I was used to crying every day for a little while but then managing but the past three days have been nearly unbearable. I suddenly have every memory popping to mind constantly and have been sobbing uncontrollably. It's horrible and I don't know how much more of it I can take. I know everyone's time frame is different but did anyone else experience an onslaught of even heavier emotions after three months or so?

Kathy

[kellymarie]

Kathy, Your message really reached out to me. It was 3 months for me on Monday, and it was one of my worst days. I hadn't heard or read that this was a difficult time but hearing that from you makes me feel less worse. On Monday, I thought back to 1 month then 2 months... and really I was the worst on 3 months. I couldn't really figure out way. The only thing I can think is that I have finally come out of complete shock. This week last year, Josh and I were on a week long vacation together. So every day, memories keep replaying in my head of where we were, what we were doing, etc. Seeing the 4th of July decorations out just opened the flood gates of emotions and memories. The first 2-3 months I was in shock; reality wasn't reality. I just kept doing what I was supposed to do every day to get to the next day. But now I feel like I've even lost that energy to do every day things. During the week, I was busy at work. But since I left work on Friday, I just feel completely let down. I keep thinking "How am I supposed to survive this??" So to answer your question, atleast for me, this 3 month mark has been a huge onslaught of heavier emotions. And the emotions definately feel "heavier" if that's possible. I agree with you, it's horrible and I'm not sure how we're supposed to survive it. But somehow, people survive. I don't understand how but the people who have gone before us are somehow still breathing. I feel your pain and I'm sobbing with you. Kelly

[shell]

Kathy,

Kellymarie hit the nail on the head. I, too, think it's because you are coming out of the shock stage. Kind of makes you want to stay in the shock stage forever, huh? It's been a year and three months for me and I am still weepy and tired. This last week I have felt suddenly burned out. I am also taking care of my mom, which I'm glad to do and who I love with all my heart, but I am beginning to feel "spent". Like I'm so tired of trying to be happy and cheerful and get all the things done that need doing. I feel like I'm on an endless treadmill and my legs are giving out! I've been overwhelmed many times, but this seems different, like I just lost all my energy and determination.

But, hopefully, like Kellymarie said, we all survive. This phase will pass too and so will yours and Kellymaries. It's the old rollercoaster thing.

Hugs to both of you,

Shell

[kellymarie]

Hi again, Now that I'm thinking about this all a little more, I remember something a friend told me about a month ago that I now I understand a bit more (she lost her baby just over a year ago ). She had told me that once you get over the "raw pain," it's almost harder. She said for her it was easier (if you can call anything in this process "easy") to deal with the "raw pain" because it completely consumes your life, everyone around you understands, and you really don't have to think of much else. But once the raw, fresh pain has passed, she said it was harder to deal with. So maybe these feelings are what she was telling me about. Just a thought... Kelly

[KathyD]

Kellymarie and Shell,

The book I read did say that at three months typically the shock and denial have worn off and that's why the emotions suddenly come rushing in. I think I'd describe the feelings now as more raw than before because the shock/denial sort of served as a buffer. I honestly didn't think I was in either shock or denial after the first month but I guess part of brain was in a freeze mode! I also think that seeing all the Father's Day ads on TV as well as the thought that my Dad's birthday is a week later had an impact; I was trying to ignore them and maybe yesterday that dam burst. I don't know. It's just so hard when you're feeling as though you're doing all right then BOOM you fall into that dark pit. Like Shell said, trying to be happy and cheerful eventually can lead to burn-out. I gave up on the happy and cheerful part but I still feel as though I've got a ton of concrete on my shoulders. The hardest part is that the grief hits without warning and when it hits it has a major impact. Again, the roller coaster ride, but I hope after this three month point things get a little "easier."

Thanks you both so much for your input!

Kathy

[Vero]

Kathy,

wow, I guess this must be it. It's been just over 3 months since I lost my mom and life is just unbearable for me lately. Im to the point where I don't want to deal with anyone or anything. Im this close to quit my job, I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to deal with people or my emotions ... just want to sleep and not feel. All these emotions are taking over me and it is truly heavy to carry with me. So difficult. All I want is get my mom back and be with her forever and ever. I guess I was in denial and in shock ... now I realize that it did happened. That my mom is gone forever and that I will never hear her voice again or at least for a long long time, sometimes I wish I could just end it all and be with her. Don't worry, im way too chicken to do anything to hurt myself. I've had thoughts of hoping maybe today I will be in a bad car accident or something. I do wish my mom could come and get me butI know she loves me more than that. She wants the best for me and she wants me to be happy. I know she is watching over me. But I just do not want to deal with this anymore. its too much, too difficult, to painful. Three long unbearable months since she died. ARRRRGH, sometimes I just feel like screaming or hitting the walls, I need to get this pain out!!! I feel very overwhelmed and tired all the time. Will this ever stop?

[dpodesta]

Vero,

I know exactly where you are in this, my wife died almost 10 weeks ago, so I am in the exact same place. I wish I could answer when this will stop, but I can't. I can tell you that you are doing the right thing to start feeling better and that is posting on this site. People have helped me so much here. I too want to just sleep and sleep, but I have a 7 year old son that I have to take care of by myself now, so that is how I keep moving on. I can suggest some reading of books, there are a lot of them out there. One that I like is "Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul". Hang in there I am sure it will get better, like you though, I wish it would hurry up.

God Blass

Derek

[KathyD]

Vero,

I'm the same way with wanting to sleep and not feel, along with not wanting to deal with people because most don't understand. I miss my Dad so much that it hurts and whenever I think that he's truly gone I also sometimes wish I were gone as well. But that's not what he would have wanted. Everything does seem unbearable and when the emotions hit it's like diving into a pool with no water. We're in the early phases of grief (how reassuring) but judging by the other posters on this board we all should make it through somehow. I saw a counselor today who told me to take baby-baby steps through the process and not to feel that I should be somewhere emotionally when I'm really not - that is, take our time and work through it however long it may be. That helped a bit since too many people expect too much too soon (most of whom have never lost someone they loved). Hang in there, I'm trying to as well.

Kathy

[Claudia]

Hello,

This is the first time I have written on a discussion panel, let alone get involved in a Grief Healing Discussion Group. I am experiencing the loss of my second husband; first husband died in Sept. 1992, I was 38 years old; recent death of my present husband was on March 8,2006. There aren't words to explain the pain that I am experiencing. With the 'three month mark' having just passed, I can totally relate to what you all have said. I just returned home from a "weekend away", was alone and it was totally awful!!!!!!!!!! I could not have even imagined that it was going to be so bad. Raw emotions flooded my soul - I lost it! After having read the recent messages, I realize that I am not losing my mind . . . or my sanity. Thank you all for writing and sharing your experiences. You have helped me realize that is does help to see that there are others feeling the same way as I do.

[Maylissa]

Hi, All,

To everyone talking about this subject, and since most of you are early into the grieving process, I thought I'd add something since I'm much further along, time-wise anyway.

Keep in mind that my own process was complicated by many factors, including abusive relationships and pretty much zero support for over a year, until I found a few boards, this one included, so my mourning period may be longer than some. That said, I'm now at about the 2 year, 3 month mark for my Mum's and brother's deaths and it's certainly better now. But it took me until after the 2 year mark to start feeling, as Kelly SO aptly put it, "less worse" ( great phrase! ) and some of that came about due to having to refocus on our fur-girl's illnesses to a greater degree than I'd had to in that 2 year period. Not all of that time was spent feeling "raw" of course, but there was heavy depression for a lot of it ( again, with abusive relationships slowing me down ) but still with periods now and then of feeling more 'settled', both with and w/o the continuing grief. It was a very gradual, but fairly steady lightening of little pieces of it here and there. There were also several times throughout those 2 years where I'd suddenly 'turn around' and realize I'd actually improved, even if it didn't feel like it in that very moment, but I could actually itemize a few ways that obviously were better than before. I found it sort of sneaks up on you. This is where keeping a journal or some sort of 'check-point' system might be useful....not that I did that, but it would have been a good idea! I just didn't have the energy to add anything else to my schedule. Writing on boards took enough of anything 'spare', and still does!

I do remember, quite clearly though, how drained and hopeless I felt for so long and also how hollowly it rang in my ears that there was hope of getting/feeling better! ( relief and hope for, like, 20 seconds at most! )So, no matter how it might sound when you're still deeply in sorrow today, it CAN be true that in enough, individually-paced time, with some effort, and support of any type(s), one's outlook can improve. I still don't know whether I will ever feel the same degree of 'highs' as I once did ( this view in large part due to the grief I KNOW I will suffer upon the passing of our fur-girl, and goodness knows whoever else before me ).....but, at least I can say for now that I HAVE had quite a few moments of actually anticipating some happier events, enjoying myself thoroughly in certain moments, and getting more used to weathering those ups and downs. The downs can still make me crash and burn, but somehow I'm able to pull out of them a bit better, a bit quicker, and with more confidence that I can. I hope these words can be MORE than just words to all of you, but if not, I sure understand where you're coming from. If there are any tiny fragments of things that bring you a moment's worth of pleasure during your sorrow, either write them down or just try to remember them, as they will slowly and surely build, one upon the other, until you eventually have what you could call a real list of things that really do count towards your progress. And ask your angels, or whatever you might call your Guides, to keep helping you find what you need. It ALL helps! And if this post brings you even 10 measley seconds of hope, good enough for now. You don't have to expect much of yourselves, cuz it'll take you as long as it takes you anyway, so you might as well not pressure yourself more than you want to.

Edited June 13, 2006 by Maylissa

[kellymarie]

Thanks Maylissa. You did provide a few moments of hope. And it was good to realize that we should appreciate any moments of happiness even if it's only a few seconds/minutes. I hadn't thought of that but I really like it. It's no pressure to look at it that way. (after reading your post, I found 30 seconds of happiness because of something that happened and I was able to appreciate those 30 seconds. baby steps...)

It's also so comforting to hear from everyone on here... it's nice to feel other people around that are at a similar point in the grief process. Claudia, welcome. This place is so wonderful. Keep checking back. This site and everyone here have helped me get through so many days since I've found it. Before I felt alone and crazy; now I feel less alone and less crazy.

Vero, I have to admit that I have felt the same way you have but I have been afraid to admit it. "sometimes I wish I could just end it all and be with her. Don't worry, im way too chicken to do anything to hurt myself. I've had thoughts of hoping maybe today I will be in a bad car accident or something." I agree, I could never do anything to hurt myself. But if I were in some freak accident, I wouldn't be upset. And I've been feeling kind of bad for having these thoughts. But I understand how you feel. And if you want to scream... go for it. Try pounding something that won't hurt bad like a pillow or the bed. Sometimes I scream too. I wish I could QUIT my job too. I won't (they say to not make big decisions at this time) but I fantasize about quitting!

[shell]

I agree with Maylissa about the moments (brief though they may be) of hope or happiness or some simple pleasure. It took me a long time to reach even the first moment that I could feel "happy", but it did come, and , to be honest, I grab at any tiny little moment like that now! Remember, too, that it takes awhile for most people to allow themselves to feel happy and not experience the guilt associated with it. "How can I feel happy after what's happened" sort of thing.

I wish "happy, hopeful" moments to all, and DON'T feel guilty. Go hug that teddy bear, eat a gallon if ice cream, watch a silly old show, whatever makes you feel good, no matter how long it lasts!

Hugs to everyone,

Shell

[Claudia]

Good Morning everyone - Kellymarie, thank you for your words of welcome and encouragement. At first I didn't want anyone to "know" how I was feeling or coping, or 'trying to cope', with the pain that is inside of me. I have been going though a very tough time. Everyone wants to 'fix it', yet they continually are doing things that cause more damage than good. What I considered my closest friend has turned out to be a manipulating, deceitful person who I can no longer put my trust in. Not only has she caused more pain to me, but has caused irrepairable damage to others as well.

After reading all of the messages, I have realized that all the time I have been hiding inside of myself, it is only 'prolonging the agony' so to speak and it will take that much longer to resolve all of these issues. It won't do damage to 'show' my feelings, even though that in itself is so difficult for me to do. I am so very tired of being the 'happy' person, to cover my inward feelings. People do not realize that what is a 'short' time for them, has been an 'eternity' for me. My 'friend' says, 'it has only been two short months since Dennis (my husband) died"; yet to me it has been "an eternity".... It is now three months, 10 days since my lover and soul mate died. I try to focus on daily activities to keep myself from totally losing it. Yet at times I find myself distancing myself from the reality that Dennis will no longer walk into the room. Our dog, Milo, a wonderfully loving, big black lab, mopes around the house some days like he has lost his best friend..... well, I guess he has, huh? Yet at times I think he has been with Dennis, because he looks at me as if to say, 'Mommy, he is right here, can't you see him?' When I say 'daddy' his ears still perk up!!

Even though I haven't written as often as I have read all of the replies on this site, like I said earlier, I continually read and 'refill' my resources with all of the insights from everyone. Thank you all so much for your thoughts.

Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads . . I don't have my dad with me any more either. He died two years before my first husband.

Thanks again - Claudia

[shell]

Claudia,

You have taken the first important step to healing, realizing that you can't hide or stuff your feelings and that it is ok to let them out. I think for most of us on this board, we are people who find it hard to "burden" others with our feelings and that is part of what brought us to this site. I, too, had to learn to "let go"! I am so sorry for your losses.

Take care of yourself and let those feelings out,

Hugs,

Shell

[Claudia]

Shell,

Thank you for your ecouragement....It is so very hard to let go of things. Looking at all of the posts on this board, I realize that possibly this is part of being a woman also. Dennis was so sick, yet all he could say was "I am so sorry for having to put you through this again . . . " I would cry and tell him that it isn't important. The only thing that was important was that I wanted HIM to be with me and since it didn't look like he would be, nothing really mattered any more anyway.

I am going to be away for about three weeks. I am going to pick up my darlig little grandson in southern California, then on to Sacramento to visit with Dennis' daughter and her family. They have two small children also. I will check in with you all as soon as I return.

Warm thoughts to you and THANKS for your encouragement!!

Claudia

Edited June 19, 2006 by Claudia

[ann]

KathyD,

i can relate well to what u were saying abt this 3-month mark. i still haven't read the replies to ur post. i just want to unload what i am feeling now..i have to.

it's been almost 3 months now since my ex-boyfriend died in an accident. and it doesn't get better at all. my heart feels so heavy. i kept asking myself, when will this pain end? oh God, how i wanted this to end.

today, i visit his gravesite with his brother and then we went straight to their home. we watched the cd of his burial. since i only knew of his death 20 days after he died, i was not able to come to his funeral and burial.

i thought i was ready to watch the cd. i thought it will help me accept his death. but i was wrong. it hurts a lot to watch the cd. i just cannot stop crying all throughout.

right now, i feel like i have a big lump on my throat..as if im choking. my heart is just breaking apart..too much. it is just too heavy..i feel i couldnt take the pain anymore..

[KathyD]

Ann,

The three month mark was definitely the hardest time for me to date so I know exactly how you feel. I couldn't bring myself to look at pictures of Dad, let alone any videos I had taken, at that point and while I've since watched a video and flipped through some photos it instantly brought on the waterworks. I'm not that farther along (month four) and can't say that everything has gotten easier in the extra month's time but I've found that I'm not crying as much as I did when I was at the three month point. I think the comments about coming out of the initial shock are on the money - you think that you've accepted the loss but then you realize how enormous it actually is and it slams into you. I always cry when I think of Dad and know that the future is going to be difficult but it does seem that the emotional wallop that hits at three months subsides a little after that (maybe only temporarily, but a little). That doesn't mean you're suddenly better (far from it) but that agonizing heartbreak appears to be the hardest at three months.

[dpodesta]

I made it through three and a half months, then somethings have come up with Carson and it has thrown me back to where I was during the first month. It is enough to drive you crazy.

[andrea]

Hi everyone,

I had read in a few grief books that the third month after the loved one's death can be one of the most difficult. Since I've been hurting so much the past two months I never really thought it could get worse, but now that I've entered/am close to the third month mark I feel as though my emotions before are nothing compared to what they are like now. I was used to crying every day for a little while but then managing but the past three days have been nearly unbearable. I suddenly have every memory popping to mind constantly and have been sobbing uncontrollably. It's horrible and I don't know how much more of it I can take. I know everyone's time frame is different but did anyone else experience an onslaught of even heavier emotions after three months or so?

Kathy

[dpodesta]

Andrea,

Yes I have. Being at 3 1/2 months it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I am at the 3 week mark instead of 3 months. I started eating 3 meals a day, started feeling good for a change, getting up early and making it to work on time. Then all of a sudden the last few days I have gone back into depression, not eating, wanting to sleep all the time. I am in the middle of it right now, so I can't tell you how I am going to get out of it. But I know what you mean, there is only so much you can take, and I to am at the how much more can I deal with, I am tired of feeling this way stage.

[shell]

The worst part about the three month mark is that the shock and numbness starts wearing off at about this point, and unfortunately, it gets worse. There were many times I would have given anything to go back to the numbness. I personally think that this is the point where the grief healing you need to do starts. But, don't depair, it will get easier as you really face the loss. Paul calls it "leaning into the pain" and that's about as accurate a description as you can get. It is very painful and discouraging (because you think things are suppose to be getting better and then you feel worse) and exhausting, but once you get past facing the grief head on, it truly does change from there. You will still hurt, but you will learn to cope with all the feelings better.

Good luck to all of you. Hang in there.

Hugs to you all,

Shell

[Maylissa]

I found that the whole first year, in particular, was a mix of shockiness, followed by bits and pieces of the more intense sorrows ( including all those secondary losses one experiences as a result of the major loss ), small amounts of more stable feelings, then right back into either of the other 2 states. And even the 2nd year was marked by the same kinds of ups and downs, but less intense overall. And there were still all the 'firsts' and various anniversary dates ( these include birthdays, etc. ) that invariably bring the grief up afresh. 'They' say that, on average, it takes anywhere from 4-9 months to come out of the 'daze' ( this average is still just an average and can vary between people and the types of loss ) and that it is after this that more of the hard realities of discovering, in little pieces, that your loved one isn't coming back, start to really kick in, which in turn brings up more, or as I think of it, different levels of grief.

I found these averages to be faily accurate, but a bit longer for me, personally, because of all the complicating factors that surrounded my losses....like unfinished business ( enough to fill almost an entire lifetime, for 2 losses ), lack of support, suddenness of death ( in 2 different losses ), the betrayals from my father, brother and other relatives, the loss of friendships after 2 of the deaths, and other more minor, but no less hurtful, events. It was because of all these complications that I knew it was going to be a long haul for me. And because of that realization, I didn't even really count the months or take much stock of how I was doing for at least the first 9 months....it was ALL so awful, I just considered any moment or day that wasn't as awful to be a victory of sorts. In fact, it was my psychologist who had to point out to me some of the ways I had progressed in my grief for the idea to really sink in that yes, indeed, I had make some headway....and that was only during the second year ( I'd gone to her for 2 different periods of a few months, one each year ).

And it's not like it's entirely over, either....it never will be on some level. There will still be different stresses that arise that will reignite the grief, of that I'm certain, and that is normal, too. I think that's one of the worst and yet somehow helpful discoveries about grief.....learning, then truly accepting that it will always be a part of your life from then on, at least in some measure, and that it often remains so unpredictable in when it might 'hit' you again. One kind neighbour mentioned this to me early on, regarding the loss of her own mother...that there just were days when it would hit her again, seemingly out of the blue ( although I think there's almost always some trigger, even if small ), and it had been a few years for her loss at that point. That confirmed what I'd experienced already from the loss of our furbaby 6 years previous, so while it wasn't great news, it helped prepare me for more of the same cuz at that point I wasn't sure if that kind of thing would repeat itself for ANY major loss....but it seems to be a common denominator in all loss. Heck, there are even the odd days when I still grieve a few moments for the loss ( giving up ) of my first house and all it meant to me (!) so it's no surprise that bigger losses will always 'haunt' us. It's just a good thing to be prepared for these 'downs' because I found that even knowing in advance about them still didn't entirely preclude feeling very discouraged about them....I mean, no one really WANTS to feel this shitty for so long! And yet, still, it DOES get easier to contend with, overall...and it's this bigger perspective I think we need to try our best to keep an eye on, even if you have to write these signs of progress down for use later on when you're down once again. So don't anyone give up on yourself....just treat yourself as tenderly as you would treat your lost loved one if they were the one suffering. Give yourself LOTS of compassion and acceptance and as much self-love as you can possibly muster, and that will serve you better than any other single thing you can do towards your healing.

[KrocknR]

I too have started feeling worse coming up on the three month mark of my wifes passing. We married very young,  her 18 and me 19. We were together for 31 years. She beat cancer twice in the past 12 years. In march 2018 she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. A very large tumor. She only made it to December 1st.  In those 8 months I watched her slowly waste away as I did everything to take care of her. Lofewas on hold and she was my priotity. I dont know whats worse, knowing death is coming or when it happens suddenly. I know that almost 3 months after her death,  I too am more crushed than ever and the pain is becoming unbearable. I want her back so badly and sometimes I wish I could be with her in death. Nothing is enjoyable more so now than before. im trying tokeep it together. i just dont know how or how long. I never took a break after her death, no time for myself. I jumped into a new job and kept taking care of lifes responsibilities. I dont know how much longer I can keep up this facade and put on my mask and act like I am ok around friends and family

[kayc]

Take a day at a time, my friend, that's all you have to do...It's been nearly 14 years for me, and I still have to do one day at a time.

Welcome to our site, I wish it was for another reason than loss, but you've found a caring and helpful place to be.  I am very sorry for your loss, I know the depths of pain are too great to count, but there's some things I've learned along the way that have been helpful...in the beginning I was in shock, anxiety ridden, didn't see how I could do a week let alone 40 years...in my family we live well into our 90s, I was just 52.  Back to a day at a time, it is enough.  I hope this article I wrote will have something in it that speaks to you...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[AnnJ]

I’m so glad I found this thread. It’s 3 months in two days since a man I was head over heels in love with died very suddenly and I’ve felt worse this week than ever and couldn’t work out why. I’d put it down to coming out of lockdown and things going back to normal but without him but now thanks to you guys I realise it’s normal. It’s complicated that I shouldn’t have been in love with him but regardless of the rights and wrongs I was, but it leaves me in a situation that there are not many people I can talk to about it