My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

19 hours ago, KarenK said:

Gwen, I would be very concerned about healing stooped over. When can you talk to the surgeon about it? I assume it has a lot to do with your muscles needing to be strengthened.

Yes, that it my biggest concern. I have a phone appointment next Tuesday, the 1st and that is the number one question.  It does have to do with abdominal core muscles, but last time it wasn’t this intense.  This has the rest of my life riding on it now that I’ve had the 'fix' surgery.  So, I’m much more scared than I ever have been.  
 

12 hours ago, kayc said:

Insurance shouldn't limit us so strictly, it's all about $ isn't it!  If a person NEEDS it, they should be able to use it!!!

No, I didn’t work for Boeing.  I worked for Honeywell way back when.

I am using my insurance, but I didn’t pick the plan that would have been more beneficial for this situation.  It wasn’t something I saw coming that absolutely would require surgery at the time, tho I had seen a surgeon.  What hit at the same time time I was getting on Medicare so things were crazy.  I liked the Blue Cross plan I was on.  Thought this would be the same, but it’s not.  I knew the copays would go up, that happens every year.  But not severely.  Deductibles were changed as well.  I didn’t know Medicare would dictate my choices so much now.  

I’m sure your BP is affected by all that is going on around you.  Stress is as strong mentally as it is physically.  How you did all you did yesterday amazes me.  I’m so sorry about your sister with cancer.  The word makes me cringe for living thru what it did to our life together and the bonus of taking one of dogs 2 months before him
 

I'm fortunate I have money to work with.  I’m just angry I have to pay twice on the same thing and add in Melody.  It’s going to be quite a hit.  I don’t make calls on where I’m invested.  Leave that to my financial advisor.  He knows in all the complicated stuff that all I care about is maintaining my worth.  We gave up discussions about it after Steve died.  He was into the details, I was bored stiff.  I call and ask can I afford to do this or that and he tells yes (not no yet) but approximately how long to recover.  
 

They rerun movies in basic cable by the week.  This coming week should be a bunch of others.  I so miss my DVR and movies on disc.  I have Netflix on my iPad, but haven’t used it as I bounce around in apps and have therapy or something coming in the afternoons.  I should watch something new at night, but I get so antsy here unlike at home.  I’d spread an hour over an evening an episode of a TV show or half a movie.  
 

 Have to post now as my iPad had some problems and is installing an update and could lose it. I’ll be back to bore you all more later. 🙂
 

 

[nashreed]

It's never a bore Gwen. I find it interesting.  My life is beyond boring, just in a different way. I know what's it like to be stuck in the hospital or in rehab, because of Annette. The difference is she always had me visiting with her, until damn COVID. I believe that COVID indirectly led to her passing, and she never had the virus. My not being able to visit and talk to her doctor in the hospital, and then she had to leave rehab because she couldn't stand it there, couldn't stand that I couldn't visit her. 

I'm sorry you're facing this without anyone there. We're all here for you in cyberspace- all our thoughts are with you. 

[Gwenivere]

Its so very hard this time around with the extra pressure if this fails.  PT came  just after I posted the above and I got 2 'long' walks in with the rolling walker and lots of talk about trying to stand straighter.  It’s my upper back trying to compensate to lower the lower back pain.   I always think more is better.  Not in this case and situation.  
 

4 hours ago, nashreed said:

I know what's it like to be stuck in the hospital or in rehab, because of Annette. The difference is she always had me visiting with her, until damn COVID. 

That is the kicker in all things now.  I need some things Dee will bring up but she can’t come in.  I so miss seeing her.  She’ll be here, so close but so far. This place is no visitors til February 18th earliest.  It’s not as bad here as the hospital with all the machines and medical noises.  It’s not cozy, but better. Dee hated coming into the hospital but did for me.  I’m starving for someone who knows me to talk to face to face, even if it’s Zoom.  
 

The facility is full.  Getting aides takes forever.  I hope they get more staff.  Already have me room door shut in case my aide is tied up when I want to sleep.  Guess I’ll wind down and see how tomorrow goes.  Supposed to have a zoom meeting.  PT too but they’ll have to work around me.  
 

I thin today is Sunday.  Too many meds.  Short temper and clock watching for pain pills.  Really sucks this time around.  
 

💕 to you all.

[kayc]

I spent 2 1/2 hours picking up large limbs for the piles, finally got three piles done, two next to driveways and one along the fence.  Need to call Jack to let him know I'm ready when he is so we can load them in the pickup and offload them onto the burn pile.  Will make a HUGE bonfire!  (Should bring hot dogs!)  He may wait until Spring to do.  It feels good to have it done for the most part.  Once the snow melts I'll have more cleanup as some of it is encased in hard frozen snow.  Still have some to do back in the brush, worked on it some yesterday.  Also did a lot of cooking and cleaning.  My body is tired now!

It's my friend down the street (Jazzy's mom) that has cancer.  Dementia, melanomas, and diabetes are our family curse. along with hypertension, heart attacks, strokes.

BP not normal but far better this morning.  I'll take it!  Tomorrow hoping for normal.  Not sure if all this exercise has upped it, my pulse was up today, that's unusual.

Gwen, as always, I wish for relief for you...I know it's hard in there.  I hope you can come home soon and manage what you need to.  I know it's always better at home if possible, for our schedules, eating, sleeping, taking our meds, etc.

[Gwenivere]

Im trying to figure out how how to be proactive in this recovery when I wake up wishing I wasn’t here anymore, meaning on earth.  I haven’t told them that, but I get a lot of time to think about being home.  They don’t understand how horrible that is in its own way.  Now more dread because it’s threatened by this dependence.  The predictions it will get better my mind doesn’t believe.  That’s a necessary part of recovery and I don’t feel it.

I don’t know who to talk to about it.  OT was here and I could do what she asked me to try.  Just very hard.  Pain levels were a slight bit lower.  Still can’t stand still long.  She was all happy about it, but they’re not the ones living it all the time.   Did my own PT as no one showed up.  Just walking the room like a caged animal.  No wonder I hate zoo's. Make them as pretty as possible, but their still prisons.

The input I need from the doc as best he can predict. Biggest thing is not losing Melody.  Then driving, getting groceries, showers,. Basically free from needing a walking aid.  This has messed up my memory of when I was able to do for myself.  I think it was around Xmas of 2020 that things started caving in.  Covid lockdown kicked in and took my volunteering.  Good timing, I guess.  I could barely handle it and it was shut down by them, not me. Still had to face that huge loss.
 

The big picture is I never got to recover at home.  It went wrong.  So I have nothing to compare my previous experience to.  Had I had, I wouldn’t be doing it again, obviously.  I have no points of reference.  I don’t know how your supposed to progress because those months were wasted on waiting for the fix.
 

Last time I went home expecting to have to adjust and wait months to improve.   Never happened.  The exhaustion is taking hold.  2nd night of sleep right thru.  Like that part.  Consequence is the start of the long reality.  I did my own PT as no one showed up.  Craved a pain pill after.  I did watch an episode of Ozark on my iPad.  Beat what was on TV.  Something new!  Nice to have back up as well as a couple movies.  I checked I could pause it and come back.  Even got captions working.  Wish I could watch it on TV, but beggars can’t be choosers.  It works and is cued up for the next show.  I need these little victories right now.  
 

Well, sleep awaits to usher in another day.💕 to you all!

[V. R.]

Hope you get a good night's sleep, Gwen. It's Monday morning here now, and unlike I used to think before my loss, I'm glad another sad Sunday is over, they really are the worst days to get through for me now. 

Take care, big hug to you. 

[kayc]

I got the branches picked up in the nick of time, now it's snowing again.  Unfortunately it sent my BP soaring and it still isn't down to normal range yet, I have another 30 pts. to go, doesn't matter how much I pray/meditate/breathing exercises!  So need to take it easy a couple of days.  That's the hard part, I know I'll want to shovel it so I'm not stuck here for the duration.  But neither do I want a stroke or heart attack.  So I guess I'd better let my common sense prevail.

I've now got a huge pile of branches along each driveway and one along the fence, looks much neater!  It feels good to have it done.  And luckily I got firewood up on the deck just as the snow started.

Gwen I hope and pray this time you see a difference, that you see healing and improvement.  I'd want to be home but I'd also want to know it's doable, manageable.  I hope you can have someone help you shower, and thank God for Dee!

 

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I guess I'd better let my common sense prevail.

Yes, Kay, for heaven's sake, please do! ❤️

[Gwenivere]

I googled dangers of snow shoveling and so many articles came up about blood pressure and heart attacks.  Said hospitals prepare for a surge during and after storms. A couple said stop doing it after 45.  I never did it, but I know going out in that cold air to breathe along with the exertion would be very hard on your circulatory system.  As hard as it is to not do it, it’s so dangerous for you.  Please be careful, Kay.  💕

[Gwenivere]

This wasn’t a good wake up day.  I need to find someone here to talk to about my state of mind.  I talk a lot about the going ons in here, what I fight on the outside and the fears.  But I haven’t talked anyone here about how seriously depressed I am becoming. It’s a red flag.  I want to feel something motivating.  I don’t. If the pain magically disappeared and I went back to how I was living I still don’t feel I have any reason to go on.  I know this is uncomfortable to hear, and I apologize.  Don’t expect any input as I wouldn’t know what to say either.  I’m grateful Marty provided this place that is safe.  I know it’s not a replacement for professional help, but I need to get this out between my scheduled grief appointments. I’m just shut down.
 

A complication arrived as always.  Wanting to move me from here to a lesser help place for independence.  I have to appeal to the surgeon tomorrow I want to stay here for the 6 weeks.   I’m hoping he can help tell insurance I need to stay here.  I’m tired of being shuffled around.  Another place would be less assistance.  That doesn’t make sense.  I need the most PT I can get.   This is the end of being able to fix things.  I don’t want to take chances.  This increases the out of control depression as well.  I’m in the middle as always with the lowest voice about my care.  

My shower got delayed for all this fun stuff. I talked to the social worker and it was the first she had heard of this extra move.  It would be private pay and thousands of dollars.  I’m trying to get an extra 4-5 days here (making it almost 7 weeks like last time and this was more intense) and then home set up for assistance.  Also a chance to hopefully heal.  This is my last shot.  I’ve been shaking all day.  Pain levels shot up with stress.  
 

Did PT on my own again today.  No one showed up.  I may have been in the shower, but they should have come back.  My insurance is paying a lot for this and OT is wants me to go someplace with less help?  This is PT's and my docs call.  Best to all.  💗

 

 

 

[kayc]

I have shoveled snow all my life, I pace myself and don't overdo it.  This wasn't from shoveling snow, it was from picking up (or dragging) branches.  I didn't feel like I was over-exerting myself, and have been doing it for the last month but two days I worked super hard and that's when it began to show in my BP and pulse!  Today it's almost normal...although still not where I'd like to see it 126/73 P78.   Marked improvement after relaxing more yesterday and only picking up a little at my neighbor's, nothing hard.  I do theirs in exchange for using their burn pile (he has heart trouble and can't) but they don't have as many trees as I do and is simple.  I just do an armful at a time when walking by/through with Kodie.   Glad to see it down, it scared me to see my pulse at 90 Sun. morning as it's normally 60s or 70s!

 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I googled dangers of snow shoveling

The news said 40% of all winter injuries are shoveling snow so I take it seriously.  When I got into my 60s I began the practice of shoveling 1/2 hour and taking 15 min. breaks.  But there is a vast difference in snow, it's the heavy wet stuff that's hard as it weighs more, and when it freezes up hard, nigh impossible to move!  The powdery stuff is easier and I prefer it coming in a little bit at a time.  When you get nine inches in an hour you can't keep up with it!

[kayc]

Gwen, I doubt any of us have any advice other than what you're already doing, squeaky wheel gets the grease so I'm glad you are voicing your concerns.  Shame on PT for not showing up!  Every day counts!  You did it on your own, I'm proud of you for that.  
Motivation is harder.  With me it's Kodie, he keeps me going and trying, honestly.  But you haven't had Mel for so long, if you knew for certain you could reach a point you could take care of her, that would be great motivation, but it has to feel like you're floundering or grasping at straws w/o guarantees!  Still, that's what I would reach for.  No one can give someone motivation, it comes from within.  I DO hope there's some professional help available there!  My heart hurts for you, you're definitely in my prayers and always, in my heart.

[Kieron]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I talked to the social worker and it was the first she had heard of this extra move

 

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m trying to get an extra 4-5 days here (making it almost 7 weeks like last time and this was more intense) and then home set up for assistance

Aaaaagh!  All this stuff is her/his freaking JOB to do on your behalf, or ideally, to do with you so that you are included in the decision-making process, for best outcomes. 

it's hard not to be outraged on your behalf.  🙄🤬😖

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

The powdery stuff is easier and I prefer it coming in a little bit at a time.  When you get nine inches in an hour you can't keep up with it!

I was reading about solutions you can make that will melt it.  Sounds easy enough til you factor in large areas.  I’ve seen heavy falls here, but nothing that deep so fast.  Usually 3/5 inches.  We get crippled with all our hills.  I also can’t imagine needing wood for warmth.  I’m an electric blanket and furnace person.  Used to light fires decades ago as very few had them in New Mexico.  Then cleaning it got old.  You’re one rural gal!  😀

[V. R.]

Gwen, where I live here, in the country, we also rely on firewood to keep warm in winter, at least on the ground floor where we have a fireplace and a stove which runs on firewood. Alas, my husband and I used to go every spring, to our property (woods) to cut down trees and stock up for the winter. So much hard work, Gwen, but worth it. I think Kay would agree how comforting and relaxing it is to sit by a fireplace, the 'natural' warmth and cosy atmosphere it gives you.This year was the first time ever I've had to buy firewood. Felt so strange, so unreal, so sad. 

Hope you're getting better and having less pain, Gwen

All the best. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Had my meeting with the surgeons office.  They want me to stay here which is good, hopefully no move if they and rehab submit to my insurance.  My being so stooped over they say is OK at this point.   Pain being so bad normal considering such close surgeries.  The guy I talked to was not on my surgical team.  Said my surgeon won’t be thrilled by how things are going, but satisfied where I’m at.  Follow up again in 2 weeks and more X-rays.  My PT therapist was here which is good as she is a mental backup as my memory is affected by the meds. So, it went good, but I don’t feel good.  The depression and pain is still a daily fight.  
 

PT brought in lots of pillows so I can lay back and not being putting pressure on my back for long periods like I was.  My new habit is watching an episode of Ozark every afternoon.  I’m hooked but hate I’ve added more TV time to my day.  Found I can’t put the pillows back on my own.  
 

Nothing on real time TV.  So settling on repeats again.  I wish places like this provided streaming considering so much time is spent in bed for everyone.  
 

I must have overdone walking on my own last night.  The pain is sooooo bad.  I’m getting the mental loopy ness but the body is screaming.  Don’t know how I’m going to get to sleep tonight.  This is for whatever you each need. N💕

 

[kayc]

Well I feel better knowing they aren't going to move you (again).  You don't need all the upset!  I agree with Kieron.  

I don't view much t.v., mostly skim through news and like Inside Edition, occasionally watch for pleasure but mostly to relax with Kodie before bedtime.  Last night Dish Network didn't freeze up as it did the previous two nights so that was a plus.  Takes about ten min. to reset it!

[KarenK]

V, I remember many summers of cutting firewood for our cabin before Ron became disabled. Hard work mixed with fun times. Broke my heart to sell the place after he died. So many memories.

Gwen, glad you got positive feedback from the surgeon's office. Although progress seems slow to you, it sounds like you're on track. Just don't overdo it. Hope all goes well with you staying where you are.

[Gwenivere]

When my Direct TV gets zapped, it takes 10 minutes to reset also.  It’s most annoying.  Takes a bit longer to totally rebuild the recording info.  There’s no one one at the house for lengthy times right now and I’ve been watching bills being paid automatically at high rates.   
 

PT is changing my routine.  We are doing bed exercises and less walking because it seems to be causing too much pain right now.  I also have to keep moving positions in bed reclining that relieve pressure but aren’t very comfortable.  I got a hall walk in and had to beg to make it a full one.  Obeyed orders of just 4 laps in my room.   They did the ton of pillows thing so I could recline, but it’s uncomfortable quickly.  Now it’s a long night of passing time to sleep.  Problems with my PT are not really problems but my impatience.  I’m not a less is more gal.  This is one of those situations.  But I can’t deny my body is telling me to listen to the pain.  It’s why it’s there.  

Had grief counseling.  I’m just going nowhere there.  I want Steve at home with Melody like I was when he was laid up for long periods, once for weeks.  I’d give anything to call him.  Know they were OK.  Melody not hurt.  Never moved from our home routine.  Pipe dreams.  These are the times grief is so intense and visits me daily on cue.   Didn’t get my Ozark episode in.  Counseling ate that time.  

I've stared at this for hours.  I feel like I go catatonic late in the evening.  Just thinking of another day seems too much these days.  This rehab stint is so different and harder.  Thanks, Karen.  I don’t know how they will balance out the muscle loss from so much down time with trying to be up with the almost intolerable pain. Someone told me when you hit bottom, there’s no place but up.  I hope she’s right. 💕

[KarenK]

Gwen, I was a perfectionist for most of my life. When I wanted something done, I wanted it done NOW. If I had chores to do, I would do every last one before sitting down. Now age and health dictate what I'm able to accomplish. It took a lot to accept that things can't be perfectly clean, perfectly organized and that routines can be altered without the world ending. As I look back over the years, I can see that by being so rigid and impatient, I was only harming myself. When I was very young and married for the first time, my sweet little MIL used to laugh at my list of weekend chores I taped to the fridge. It took me a lot of years to realize just how unimportant those lists were.

As you said, pay attention to the pain. It's telling you to stop or slow down.

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m not a less is more gal.

Me neither, Gwen, but from now on will have to live by the clock not only shoveling snow, but picking up branches as well.  I feel like my body has betrayed me.  I look and feel good, so why can't I do the work without my pulse going to 90!!!  I am not my age!  Oh but I'm learning I am.    Today BP 122/73, pulse 70, want to keep it that way or better.  Increased my bromelain a tad, I think that helps.

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

As you said, pay attention to the pain. It's telling you to stop or slow down.

Yep.  Damn.

[Gwenivere]

21 hours ago, KarenK said:

Now age and health dictate what I'm able to accomplish. It took a lot to accept that things can't be perfectly clean, perfectly organized and that routines can be altered without the world ending.

I’ve been learning that too.   But I miss the lists.  They may have been little things, but I liked they were our little things.  Liked crossing things off.  It’s been so long since the good old days and many revisions.  It’s pretty sad how little I can do.  I’ve learned the world doesn’t end.  I just long for planning my day.  Feeling accomplished.   My pathetic attempts of planning are re pin my hair, call Dee, all things I don’t need reminders off.  We are such creatures of habit.  I can’t at this time schedule things I really need being laid up like the dentist.   

 

16 hours ago, kayc said:

I do the work without my pulse going to 90!!!  I am not my age!  Oh but I'm learning I am.    Today BP 122/73, pulse 70, want to keep it that way or better.

I don’t know how much is influenced by this recovery.  My heart would hit well over 100.  My blood pressure is lower, for awhile too low.  I haven’t found any pattern to account for it.  I think the pain meds are contributing.  They’ve messed up so many things with side effects.  PT has really cut back on what I’m allowed to do.  I’m hoping, at least for today, it will help.  I’m just so nervous that something is wrong by how bad this is even tho I know it was more intense.  I do so little.  It’s discouraging.  I know diabetes probably influences your battle.  I have thyroid thrown in there too.  It gets so complicated as we age.  Decades ago I rarely went to the doctor except for RX refills.  Back before computers could simplify things.  Now I like mail order as it is handier.  
 

Had a terrible aide this morning.  Plopped my breakfast down and left.  I needed a lot to get set for the day so got a different aide.  I don’t get these people taking a job people need them for but they are so put out.  Maybe it looks nice laying in bed.  No one is here because they want to be.  this isn’t a 4 star hotel.  Morning all.  🌞

[V. R.]

Good morning to you Gwen, so sorry you're still having a bad time. You would  probably feel better, even if just mentally, being back in your own home. Then again, would you be able to get enough home assistance to get back to your normal self? Or perhaps the rehab is more likely to give you all the help you need? I understand back surgery is very serious to handle, but I remember when my MIL was bed-ridden after thighbone surgery, we tried for weeks with home assistance:nurse, night care-giver, physiotherapist, but was all useless. In the end we had to send her to a rehab and after a few weeks she was walking again, perfectly. Then again, I don't know how your health care system works, but judging by your descriptions, it seems they're not spending enough time on your physiotherapy treatment. 

All the best. 

Enza

[KarenK]

I can sure understand wanting to feel a sense of accomplishment of something meaningful. For now though, you definitely have a reason to be limited. For me, I just hate that something as mundane as vacuuming is now in the meaningful category. It is what it is😐