My Sanity Needed Vents

[V. R.]

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

need a chart and graphs to tell me if I'm where I'm supposed to be at the approaching two year mark

You know if anyone were to ask me: How long has it been? (they don't, maybe they know I would get very upset), I would need  to stop for a while and think about it. I'm not counting because for me there is no time. Every moment of the day is that moment when it happened, when I lost him. I realised this was  true when I was discussing with my family the other day about when this pandemic started. I was convinced it was last year, but everyone insisted saying it was 2 yrs ago,in fact it was. It's as if this past year hasn't really existed for me and the present time doesn't really exist either, I'm just living a never-ending nightmare. Anyway, I feel I can tell all of you, you are all my new friends now, that I stopped living on the 15th November 2020 but somehow I'm still here. 

I also have my regrets about not having been a good enough wife at times, we did have our ups and downs, things we shouldn't have said, but don't we all? 

Spent the afternoon chopping firewood, this really helps me to not think of anything, my mind is completely blank, just like a robot. Sometimes I intentionally force myself not to think, I end up playing stupid card games on line, just to distract my brain and stop thinking about my huge loss. I feel guilty doing this but I'll end up 'cracking up' (a London expression) if I think about him all the time. 

 

 

[nashreed]

I can absolutely understand. Anything to distract. Unfortunately, I don't have a ton of options in this town, without friends (I think the one friend I did have here has realized that I'm not any fun- I haven't heard from him, and honestly it's more stressful to think of doing something social with someone who doesn't understand. It's hard to be "on".) I can see why people drink alcohol and get drunk and black out. I would, but I don't have the cash to support that habit. 

I know what it is to feel guilt about not thinking of her. But if I do, I just feel worse. It's like having a low grade simmering headache, and if I think of her and what I have lost, the pain gets worse. Why would I do that to myself? I don't want to forget our lives, but why is it that I can remember that night vividly and the happy times I can barely remember? (Thank God for pictures!)

I'm grateful for you folks here. You have been life savers. It's an odd way to be friends (in cyberspace), but I'll take it. I wish my phone wasn't so lonely. I wish I had someone to text in the evenings, but I don't. All that's dried up. Just to say stupid things, chat about the weather... It's frustrating how people need people, not lucky. Barbara Streisand can suck it. 

[KarenK]

Nash, I've often wondered why our minds gravitate to the bad times and not the good. Over 40 years, there was a lot of nastiness between us, the kind that chips away at the love, but I know there were good things that happened too. I wish there were "do overs" and things could have been different. Neither of us were perfect, but I have to believe we tried.

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

there is no excuse for their being late with your meds!  I hope you did not get to withdrawal!  No excuse at all!  They should be reported.

The law.in Washington is as long as they get you your meds within an hour either side of when it’s prescribed, it’s legal.  It very much feels like withdrawal and it could be the pain or anxiety meds.  I had to talked to Dee and she said I never had this reaction to the anxiety meds.  Back then i had not experienced these months of one problem after another.  So it would make sense they aren’t as effective.  I don’t like taking more because of a sedative effects. What I take in a day would knock most people out.  They slow me down a bit as I’ve added more from my buffer zone to keep attacks at bay.  I hate doing that because of the combo.  It’s tough deciding on pain, anxiety, cognition.  
 

I spent an hour down at activities as they had music today.  It was one guy that played guitar.  He was very good.  Knew how to work an audience too.  All I could think of was Steve.  He did that where I volunteered a few times and was always a showman.  He would have loved it as it was all his fav folk music. I felt like I watching him.  Seeing someone get so much joy entertaining flooded me.  He joked well as Steve did.
 

Ran into Scott and he said he’d be by tomorrow to work on the paperwork.  Restorative Care came today.  Hadn’t had an intense session in 4/5 days.  Lots of kick back from my body.  I really need to get thru to my surgeon about my mid back since that has gotten so bad.  Even sitting in bed I’m as bent over.  The lower surgery may be a success.  Seems my back has shifted weight bearing up higher now.  This could pose a huge problem. I don’t want  to face another possible surgery.  Braces have been mentioned here, but I don’t see how you can force bones to move and be livable.  I have one and it is unbearable.  I’m still wondering if using the rolling walker contributed as it forced me into using the surgery site before I might have been healed enough.   Dee confirmed last weekend this is much worse than before the first surgery last year.  
 

Did my last walk to activities and tried the puzzle.  Way too early for me.  Time goes fast tho.  Think I found 2 pieces and tHe guy who’s obsessed has it sorted onto 4 plates.  I’ve been gaining a pound a day.  Not possible by how I eat. That’s depressing and uncomfortable.  My activity is definitely down from long ago, but so is my intake.  This place is certainly no resort.  Neither is the cuisine.  I’m sure today will be another day in paradise.

💕 to all.

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I spent an hour down at activities as they had music today.  It was one guy that played guitar.  He was very good.  Knew how to work an audience too.  All I could think of was Steve.  He did that where I volunteered a few times and was always a showman.  He would have loved it as it was all his fav folk music. I felt like I watching him.  Seeing someone get so much joy entertaining flooded me.  He joked well as Steve did.

I love this!  That you got to enjoy music, something pleasurable, such a rare treat!  And that it reminded you of Steve, your happy place!  Medicine for the soul...

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Braces have been mentioned here, but I don’t see how you can force bones to move and be livable.  I have one and it is unbearable.

I worked for an Orthotic/Prosthetic facility for years, am still friends with the (retired now) owner.  Braces do more than force shifting, they support, so it can relieve some of the stress.  I'm sorry the one you have doesn't feel that way.    Truly they aren't all equal, nor are all orthotic technicians.  For yourself I would suggest a custom made one by someone expert in the field, a CO or CPO.

Are you retaining, either water or stools?  Sometimes it's hard to know if we don't see edema or feel uncomfortable, but it could be masked by the extreme discomfort you reside in already.    I wouldn't worry as we all know simple math says it shouldn't be possible.  I've often wondered if my body was the exception though when it comes to weight gain.

I'm glad Scott will be by today to help with the paperwork!

[KarenK]

Not a fun time at the dentist today. Knew it wouldn't be. He had to drill pieces of bone off the broken tooth pieces to get them out. Took a long time and then had to stitch everything back up. Not looking forward to anesthetic wearing off, but I do have some pain meds. Have one broken tooth left to pull, but it should be a lot easier. Have 6 teeth left now. Just call me "Hag".  lol

[Widow2015]

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

 He had to drill pieces of bone off the broken tooth pieces to get them out. Took a long time and then had to stitch everything back up. Not looking forward to anesthetic wearing off, but I do have some pain meds. Have one broken tooth left to pull, but it should be a lot easier. 

Oh Karen, OUCH!  Hoping you can get through the evening and please know you are in my thoughts.  After your next appointment I hope you don't ever have to go through this torture again.  Hugs, Dee

[MartyT]

Dear Karen!

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

Are you retaining, either water or stools?  Sometimes it's hard to know if we don't see edema or feel uncomfortable, but it could be masked by the extreme discomfort you reside in already. 

I’m sure that is a huge contributor to this.  I’m not used to (tho I should be after all these months ) eating in bed.  Nor when I first wake up in the morning.  My shower was delayed.  Messed with my meds.  The biggest area of edema is my stomach.  It’s huge sitting.  Digestion majorly messed up.  I know the math of a pound being 3000 calories and I have not consumed that to account for 6.  18,000 In a week?  No way.  Maybe enough for one by activity limits and all the fats and sauces they use.  I called the kitchen for a roll at dinner as I don’t want creamy noodles. 

Karen, how do you eat with so few teeth?  I knew people at Foss that were on 'soft' diets.  Looked horrible and tasted the same.  Hard to work up an appetite for something that looked it had already been eaten.  Ew..  I like to crunch things.   Especially Fritos and Lays.  

The new PT didn’t show up today.  Think it’s only going to be 4 times a week.  So the usual walks for me but not enough strength building.  Bedsores looking better.  One still has a way to go.  Replacing oxygen a lot.  Really struggled today, but yesterday was a tough day diving back into PT and adding the shower.  I just don’t see how what I am doing will gain me more upright ability.  Feels so odd changing into a hospital gown at 6pm.  I’ll be awake til 2am, but not comfy sitting in day clothes.  I’m an old lady!  😩  I still admire you that have accepted that.  Never thought above 50 way back when.  I have yet to talk to anyone that likes this.  I’d accept 60 again.  Went down to activities.  Puzzle was boring and I’m wondering what I’m accomplishing here.  I observed everything done today and what I could or couldn’t have done.  The couldn’t's that really matter won on being on your own.  

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

He had to drill pieces of bone off the broken tooth pieces to get them out. Took a long time and then had to stitch everything back up.

I am so sorry, I've been through this with an oral surgeon years ago, a dentist had left a drill bit inside the canal, it was over 40 years ago and cost over $2,000, no dental insurance, had to borrow $.  That hurt worse than the pain, which was great!  I hope you heal quickly!  I do remember how sore it was afterwards, VERY painful!  They knocked me out for the procedure as it took so long (never had a reg. dentist knock me out).  You have my heartfelt sympathy.  I'm glad you have pain meds, seems they're better at issuing them than doctors nowadays!

[Widow2015]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m an old lady!  😩  I still admire you that have accepted that.  Never thought above 50 way back when.  I have yet to talk to anyone that likes this.  I’d accept 60 again.  Went down to activities.  Puzzle was boring and I’m wondering what I’m accomplishing here.  I observed everything done today and what I could or couldn’t have done.  The couldn’t's that really matter won on being on your own.

 

Gwen:  I understand you not liking you are an "Old Lady" since you aren't carrying the number of years.  I am a "Real Old Lady",  my  next  birthday I will be 81 years old.  For some reason my creator thinks I should wake up every morning and face another day.  I would not accept being 60 again, or any other age, unless I could have my husband with me at the same time.

You are a fighter with determination and that is a positive.  I know you will keep walking as much as you can endure even when PT isn't available.  Your bed sores are sounding better too which sounds like your effort to walk keeps blood flowing and healing.  

Monday was cataract surgery on my right eye, my good eye, and the post op appointment yesterday was positive.  I am enjoying seeing the bright new world now.  It is really strange to be able to move around without glasses on.  I don't recognize that "Old Lady" in the mirror.  LOL.  My old eye glasses don't work anymore so drove down to pick up my G.daughter at the bus stop without my glasses on.  Still not ready to drive off the private gravel road until I feel a little more comfortable with  my eyes.   Dee

[KarenK]

Dee, I was thinking your second surgery was soon. So glad it's over now and was successful. The bluriness in my left eye is pretty much cleared up, but I still have double vision looking to the left. Maybe I just have to live with it.

Tooth pain a little better today. No pain pills yet as they really mess with your innards. Many, many years ago an oral surgeon took out my bottom wisdom teeth which were impacted. That was definitely not fun. Left me with a permanent brown mark on my right jaw from broken blood vessels. A few years ago, my dentist sent me to an oral surgeon for extractions he wouldn't attempt. I don't think he realized how involved yesterday would be. Heck, I'll survive. Right now, I miss food. Think I'll try some oatmeal.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

I would not accept being 60 again, or any other age, unless I could have my husband with me at the same time.

You make an excellent point.  At 60 I was without him.  I was slowly adapting to it.  I was not content or happy.  Those words long ago fled my vocabulary.  I used to think I could find contentment.  The closest I’ve come is not feeling deep pain.  I haven’t found any way something that still exists or has been replaced doesn’t trigger memories.  What really hurts is when someplace really beautiful or special became concrete for the too many people that have ‘infested' the area from all the  housing they’ve stuck in any open space.  It’s suffocating and he would hate it as I do.  He saw it starting and that’s when our home became even more important as a refuge.  Where we could live, breathe and be a whole happy family.

Yesterday was busy.  I got my 3 long walks in.  Won $1.50 at bingo,, PT was in as soon as I got back then the nurse to change bandages.  Saw the med prescriber and got lots of suggestions about leaving here I’ve heard before.  Private pay for assisted living for a few months.  It would be private pay with no nurse or aide.  Home health but limited PT.  Moot til my wounds heal.  They say a home nurse can do it which I don’t doubt, but they only come once a week.  Been thru this rodeo last year, but not with wounds or inability to walk right away.  I just don’t think they see the whole picture.  Certainly not the mental side and that is vital too.  I can be feeling OK for a bit and switch to wanting to cry instantly.  I am supposed to get the Medicare forms done in the morning.  I don’t know where my  head is as I told PT I had to be done by 3:30.  I have nothing planned.  Think I thought it was Sunday for a Zoom call.  
 

I’m Netflix time.   Then sleep.  Back to this soon enough.  I’m sure PT will catch up with me.  I miss waking up home in my bed.  I know it’s going to be a bad day.  That’s life now.  Just being realistic going off months of experience.  I popped awake an hour after I fell asleep. Hoping that doesn’t happen again.  Wishful it is a tolerable to good one for everyone .  💕

[kayc]

14 hours ago, KarenK said:

I still have double vision looking to the left. Maybe I just have to live with it.

Karen, I had to go through eye therapy to get rid of my double vision, my eyes didn't work together, left one went off on it's own.  There's simple exercises you can do to help it, I still remember them after 27 years! 

1. Get a 2 x 5 x4' board, put on floor, walk up it, backwards, forwards, backwards.  Balance is very much tied in.  (They said because I wasn't allowed to crawl when I was little). They also said it affects math ability, which oddly enough, I was great at. My daughter was the mental math winner every year in OR...she didn't crawl much. (Imagine what we could have done!) 
2. Pick up cheerios with pickup sticks. 
3. Stand on a balancing board with a ball hung from the ceiling going around you, holding still you look for the ball to come around you while you follow with your peripheral vision. 
4. Tie twine to a doorknob and hold it, follow the string from you to the doorknob and back, slowly repeat with eyes following...up...down... 
5. Start with finger held away from you and slowly bring it to your nose, following with eyes (I still use this one to bring my left eye in in the morning sometimes). 

Can also get glasses with prism to help bring eyes in line with each other.  I paid $900 out of pocket for these exercises 27 years ago, it was a lot of $ back then but without which I couldn't have continued working/driving.

Dee, so glad to hear you can see so well, that is amazing!

14 hours ago, KarenK said:

A few years ago, my dentist sent me to an oral surgeon for extractions he wouldn't attempt.

Yep, been there!  Pudding, jello, anything soft, smoothies...here's to healing!

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Private pay for assisted living for a few months.

I don't see how this would help, Dad was paying $5,100/mo. for his assisted living many years ago!  Basically all they did was hand out meds and meals.  Dee already helps with the food and you've been better at doling out your own meds than this place is!  They do arrange rides but you live in a city where rides aren't the problem...pain is.  WHAT DO THEY SUGGEST FOR YOUR PAIN?  Do these people think you are rich?  They should hand out lotto tickets, might be more beneficial.  It kills me how half the world's problems could be solved with $, but the root of evil seems to factor in too with people like Putin.  (Enough politics, sorry.)  I think we're probably all in agreeance about him.

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I just don’t think they see the whole picture.

I agree with you there!  And I also agree with the mental part being essential.  That's the hard part to get.  We can be stuck in a loop when in pain.  Makes it hard to focus/think/be positive.

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

They say a home nurse can do it which I don’t doubt, but they only come once a week.

When mom had cancer they sent out home health twice/week for three years.  It was a tremendous help to me, who was taking care of her daytime (dad had her at night and Sun. mornings while I went to church).  God I miss my in-laws.  I loved them, was closer to them than my own in ways, my mom had so many issues...daddy has been gone for 40 years next month.

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I am supposed to get the Medicare forms done in the morning.

I hope that happens!  And I understand your getting mixed up about the schedule/time...one day seems as another in there.  I have to look on the calendar to see what I have to do in the day if other than daily routine.

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

Dad was paying $5,100/mo. for his assisted living many years ago!  Basically all they did was hand out meds and meals.  Dee already helps with the food and you've been better at doling out your own meds than this place is!  
 

WHAT DO THEY SUGGEST FOR YOUR PAIN?  Do these people think you are rich?  

This makes no sense to me.  I know your dad was paying much more than I am for rehab.  I have no idea why that was suggested.  I know my insurance would never pay for that.  People sell their homes and commit to downsizing to do that.  Plus I need a lot more help now than they offer.  As for pain, I’d be on my own getting that covered.  Let’s pretend I want to do that.  Id be wiped out in a short time compared to set up for home til a much older age.  I admire Dee and others that have made that transition and can only imagine how very, very hard it had to be emotionally.  
 

I have no idea what the plan is for pain control.  The ideal is getting better and not needing it.  That’s not happening at a pace I can feel yet.  It’s actually worse getting PT back which makes sense.  Just not fun.  So, in the meantime, I need the meds and I am getting them.  When I am eventually out of here I’ll deal with it.  Everyday brings a crisis and I can only deal with those and stay sane.  Today was getting all the info for the appeal to DHHS.  I requested the info sent to my insurance company and it’s as thick as a book, literally.  I have to send all the paperwork in a box.  To add a topper to the day, the bill came from the ambulance to transport me from the hospital to here.  I was in too much pain to use a cabulance.  So…..over $900.  Our health care is shameful.  A resident told me she saw a doctor for an infection in London and it didn’t cost her a dime.  Not even for the meds.  
 

Feeling awful from the food.  Tried doing the puzzle but too hot and stressed after all the insurance stuff.  I feel like I’m made more of paper than a human being.  Numbers and reports.   Called Dee back just to hear her voice.  Going to watch some Netflix knowing when I go to bed it will be over too fast.  I want to go home!  I can’t yet and that is so hard to take.  I’m so tired of taking painful walks, having someone say 'hi, Gwen' and have a hard time looking up to see who it is.  Trying to get comfortable at night.  Taking a fistful of pills and waking up in an hour, then sleeping to when I can barely wake up.  This is all so wrong.  

[KarenK]

Gwen, I just finished a book by Robin Cook called "Viral". Basically it is an expose of fraudulent practices of hospitals and insurance companies concerning pricing and patient care. Companies and CEO people make insane profits off the little people. Although it's a work of fiction, you can be sure most of it is true.

Have you given any more thought to Dee staying with you for a while until you get acclimated at home again? That might speed things up.

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Id be wiped out in a short time compared to set up for home til a much older age.

Oregon lets you stay in your home, they will provide a caregiver for you after you're down to $2,000.00 but you have to be indigent first.  Peggy complains about hiring someone for four hours/week.  I tell her to stop worrying about it, once she gets there they can provide one, she needs to stop worrying about leaving her house to someone, they can earn their own.  She needs to make sure HER needs are taken care of first and foremost.

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I have no idea why that was suggested.

His ins. didn't cover it, his son paid for it and I assume got paid back from sale of the estate when he died.  (My XH)  I do admire how well he took care of his dad when he needed it, he was the only one there for him and me also, the rest were not there.  Dad (my FIL) was family to me, divorce or not.  We didn't divorce each other.

We have ambulance insurance here, $75/yr for ground, $125 for air.  I have the ground coverage.  You pay it to the city and it covers our ambulance services.  You feel fortunate if you don't need it.  But one trip to the hospital is in the thousands because of how far away we live.

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

A resident told me she saw a doctor for an infection in London and it didn’t cost her a dime.  Not even for the meds.

This is how it was when I went to Denmark, and when my sister went to Ireland.  Amazing.  Who says we're progressive here?  I think our gov't wants us to THINK that but it doesn't work out that way...

[V. R.]

So sorry to hear all your stories. We all complain here about our health system but I realise now that you all have a much harder time compared to us, and need to dish out so much more money, too. 

[kayc]

I love my country but it's not always all its cracked up to be, the AMA and ADA guidelines for Diabetes are SO OFF!  They keep you sick.  Also the studies for statins are funded by the drug companies whose advantage it is to sell statins so they skew the studies and these same statins can CAUSE Diabetes and are not helping the cholesterol situation!  Meanwhile they are looking at the wrong things, we need cholesterol, they should be looking at Triglycerides and understanding how everything fits into the big picture.  Fighting these perspectives given by doctors every day, it's annoying.  My BIL DIED from stomach cancer caused by taking Nexium, prescribed by doctors, approved by USDA...a lot needs to be improved.  I don't see the gov't that concerned about the gas situation (they can afford their private jets) while us old people on fixed incomes are getting choked to death financially.  But hey, at least we can still complain about it!  (Freedom of speech)  Some countries you can't.

[Kieron]

The sad truth...

[kayc]

Absolutely!  Follow the $ trail as I've learned...

[KarenK]

Just watched the Academy Awards. It was a whole lot better than last year which flopped due to the pandemic. I think the fashion theme was "saggy exposed boobs" which wasn't overly attractive. If you've seen one, you've seen em' all.  lol  All in all, a pretty enjoyable show.

[nashreed]

Well, it was better than last year, but last years was as exciting as watching paint dry. At least there was that jerk Will Smith to liven things up. I don't know why my family has to watch it every year- they never watch any of the movies.