My Sanity Needed Vents

[Widow2015]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

So much of this is mental as when I went to bingo yesterday I was engaged and didn’t want to die which is how I feel when I’m alone.  That is what I’ll be walking into when I leave.  My nurse says I’m getting too dependent and she is right.  But as much for people as help. That she doesn’t get.  Adapt?  This isn’t like getting used to new carpeting.

Gwen:  Adapt.    I'm not quite understanding why the nurse would make this comment.  Of course you are dependent on proper care.  Too bad she can't offer a little more compassion instead of sounding so judgmental.  Even though you agree with what she said I wouldn't know how to respond to "you're getting too dependent".

Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, KarenK said:

Maybe if you focus on some of the positive things about going home like setting your own schedule, eating what you want, when you want and choosing your own tv programs. Small things I know, opposed to all the challenges you face, but it's some ikind of a start. The big thing, of course is getting Mel back home to combat some of the loneliness. I'm sure Dee will be there as often as she can and home health at least for a while. Is there aMeals On Wheels there to help with food? 

It’s hard to sit find those see little things.  Seeing as being alone is the biggie, that’s what I will be walking right into.  now that I’ve gotten used people again, going home is very scary to no one around all day.  Maybe that’s the wrong word.  Dangerous works better.  Not being able to get the exercise.  Not knowing if I can sleep or sit for usual periods.  Dee can help a lot, but I’ve developed my agoraphobia again.  Or it feels that way.  I haven’t been capable of being independent for so long.  I’m still a long way from it.  I wish I cared how I look.  As for Melody, I often think she is better off without me.  That hurts.  If something happened, I wouldn’t be able to take her anywhere.  The food program is very complicated by income and space as they bring you several.  Basically, everything feels a hassle.  Entertainment makes me feel more a prisoner too.  I can’t adequately find the words to express my feeling#.  I’ve lost all ability to see how to return to a life I found barely fulfilling.  There were some positive things.  It’s been so.long anD changes I can’t take back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KarenK]

Kay, glad you canceled that appt. Wouldn't want to take a chance there. Wonder if you have some crazy virus in your throat that has finally run its course. Hope it continues to get better.

Shame on me! I remember you mentioning some eye exercises, but don't know what they are. When you have a spare moment(hah hah), could you post them again?

Gwen, I sure don't have all the answers. I just know you can't let fear win. I care about you.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Too bad she can't offer a little more compassion instead of sounding so judgmental.  Even though you agree with what she said I wouldn't know how to ‘you’re getting too dependent'.

Some peoples idea of compassion is being overly opinionated.  They don’t see it nor your reaction.  It’s often hidden in 'if it were me……' statements.  Those are terribly frustrating.   I ran into this stepping onto the first grief stone of my journey. No one knows how they will react to such a life altering change.  I can only see saying that in very minor situations like menu choices.  We don’t know how it is for someone living their life 24/7 and all the influences that make us who we are now.  The only thing I do know with absolute certainty is if Steve were here this would be another challenge to face as a force of 2. That’s just a given we always had and could provide as we see in other couples.  What we had done over the years for each other in tough situations.  I think we’ve all found in grief these 'well meaning' people.  It takes all we have to stay composed because they feel compelled to advise, fix (?) us.  I’ve always said I respect those that said they didn’t know what to say.  Only another in grief can understand.  One was his sister who not only was a widow, but now lost her brother.  We shared widowhood, but I couldn’t about a sibling.   I couldn’t offer her comfort for that.  Unfortunately she died 4 months later and I had been close to her since we met over 30 years ao.
 

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

Gwen, I sure don't have all the answers. I just know you can't let fear win. I care about you.

Thank you, Karen.  💕  I don’t know how to overcome this fear.   Know it’s coming and I will have to face it.  I don’t want to let it win, but I am so worn out.  My biggest concerns are being alone, lack of exercise and if my back can be improved.   I could tell taking a walk a few minutes ago that they aren’t doing anything to help me stand.  I know, same old stuff I write everyday.  My shrink finally called and had refilled all my panic meds.  That’s a relief.  I think I actually heard a little warmth in his voice, at least an ember.  I’ve stopped talking to my day nurse about anything personal and that has helped.  She’s who began my start of this with her judgement attitude.  I must be beaten down as I usually cut that quickly so it doesn’t get to me.  My saving grace is Dee will be around more as she loves reading in Steve’s office recliner.  There will be so much to do to move back in.  If she wants to spend more time like overnight, might be able to get Melody home.  I want to sure about that for us all.  Last thing needed is that going backwards.  It would be too hard on her, Tommy, Ellen and me.  
 

best to everyone and your challenges.  💖

[kayc]

On 3/24/2022 at 3:47 AM, kayc said:

Karen, I had to go through eye therapy to get rid of my double vision, my eyes didn't work together, left one went off on it's own.  There's simple exercises you can do to help it, I still remember them after 27 years! 

1. Get a 2 x 5 x4' board, put on floor, walk up it, backwards, forwards, backwards.  Balance is very much tied in.  (They said because I wasn't allowed to crawl when I was little). They also said it affects math ability, which oddly enough, I was great at. My daughter was the mental math winner every year in OR...she didn't crawl much. (Imagine what we could have done!) 
2. Pick up cheerios with pickup sticks. 
3. Stand on a balancing board with a ball hung from the ceiling going around you, holding still you look for the ball to come around you while you follow with your peripheral vision. 
4. Tie twine to a doorknob and hold it, follow the string from you to the doorknob and back, slowly repeat with eyes following...up...down... 
5. Start with finger held away from you and slowly bring it to your nose, following with eyes (I still use this one to bring my left eye in in the morning sometimes). 

Can also get glasses with prism to help bring eyes in line with each other.  I paid $900 out of pocket for these exercises 27 years ago, it was a lot of $ back then but without which I couldn't have continued working/driving.

@KarenK

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I ran into this stepping onto the first grief stone of my journey.

I'm sorry that's what you encountered, I too encountered some pretty horrible ideas of "compassion..." not!  Right after I went back to church after George died the pastor asked how I was and I started crying and Judi (nearby) piped up with "You can't love George more than Jesus!"  I looked at her like she was from outer space (she was) and replied, "Jesus is here, George isn't!" and the pastor agreed.  It was just so off the wall!  But she has a husband who never treated her with love, how could she know what it is like!  And she never has lost him.  Now he's controlling what she EATS!  It's ridiculous, she has a few extra pounds due to recent disability but she does try to walk and it's not like she's morbidly obese or anything!  I'd never let a husband control me!  That's what bugged me about my kids' dad!  No one has that right!

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Some peoples idea of compassion is being overly opinionated.

I'm so sorry if you feel I've done that to you, I can assure you I've never meant to but it is in my nature to try to find solutions, sometimes there AREN'T any!  I do that in my own life, out of necessity, sometimes I wish there were less necessity.  Someone posted this in our Diabetic group today:

Sometimes I wish there were less challenges!  I'd take boring for a change!

People greatly underestimate how hard losing Peggy has been on me.  Every relationship/situation is different...unique.  I've had her ALL MY LIFE!  We ALWAYS talked on the phone, every day!  I took care of her the first year after Bert died, and continued to help her the next six months!  I knew everything about her!  The rest of the family doesn't except Polly was close to her but she didn't know her daily habits/routines/house, etc and didn't talk every day, maybe weekly.  She was always helpful doing what she could by ordering things for her online.  Even now, by writing her obituary.

I checked Peggy's mailbox yesterday, nothing in it, so maybe Mick had it forwarded, I asked him but never got a response.  Okay, leaving it all in his hands.  I have mine full with snow coming.

Yesterday I lost all of my diabetes bookmarks in Chrome, couldn't get them back, tried uninstalling, reinstalling Firefox and exporting from Chrome, didn't work out, it just has every bookmark I've ever had listed under bookmarks but not on the toolbar in folders and no way to edit it.  (Pull hair out).  Used too much data trying.  I need a computer gru.  Will just use Chrome for now but it's too bad, what if I lose something in Chrome?  There's literally hundreds of bookmarks I've saved in this folder!  This one and the Grief one I do NOT want to lose!  Part of my problem are my hands, my fingers no longer type like they used to and often hit wrong keys, sometimes I don't even know what I did!

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My saving grace is Dee will be around more as she loves reading in Steve’s office recliner.  There will be so much to do to move back in.  If she wants to spend more time like overnight, might be able to get Melody home.

This would be wonderful!

[Gwenivere]

I don’t expect any replies to this as it’s uncomfortable.  I don’t even know what I’d say to me.  Thank you for being there tho.  

Woke up basically suicidal again.  I’ve been withholding that word because it’s so alarming for people.  For me too.   Don’t know what to do with it.  I don’t want to be here, home or anywhere but asleep.  I don’t know what to do.  Who to talk to.  This has been getting stronger every day.  I think about going home and having the freedom of acting on it.  Yet the fear of it.  Why can’t I just go to sleep and be done with it?  Im sick of all the talk of new futures and platitudes of meaning.  I question my feelings about everything.  What and who I love.  What I’m willing to accept as a new life.  Then there’s that word…life.  I don’t know what that is in relation to me.  As for talking to someone, I have to be careful.  Don’t want to loose choices about anything I may want to do in the name of help.  I need to say this out loud as it is suffocating me.  It’s not fair to drop it on all of you, but I don’t know any safe place but here.  I’m sorry for that.  
 

The feeling starts to fade a little bit as the day progresses.  But not enough.  That has me thinking I’m not totally swallowed by it…..yet.  I read what so many of you deal with and wonder how you do it.  I have Dee in my world now, but it’s tough sometimes because of the way she loves me.  It’s romantic and I think she knows I don’t feel that. It’s hard to talk about.  But I think there is enough there for just a deep friendship.  I wouldn’t want her hoping it will change.  I know things can, but I’m sure it won’t on that. 

[MartyT]

Gwen, my dear, I know that there is nothing I can say that will change your circumstances.

What I can do is to let you know that we are here and we are listening. 

I know that you are in pain, and I wish with all my heart that I could make it stop.

What I can do is to assure you that we care about you, that we take your concerns seriously, and that we are willing to let you share your pain with us. I hope you'll continue to let out all those painful feelings here with us, knowing that we will not run away. We will not leave you. We will not judge you for sharing with us how you feel, or rush to silence you, or try to fix what cannot be fixed. ❤️

 

[nashreed]

I am so sorry Gwen. I can tell you that I share your feelings. I just don't know what I'm doing here anymore either. I always feel the worst before going to sleep, and on Saturdays. I don't feel like I'm entitled to have these feelings, because physically, I'm ok. I know what it's like to live with constant chronic pain, because Annette was in it for 20 years. She had a body that let her down- her weight and Diabetes and her heart.... they just couldn't support her anymore. I knows that she's in a better place. I want so badly to be with her, but the Catholic in me won't let me commit suicide. What's the point if I can't be with Annette? 

I have music to distract me during the day, but not somebody who understands or cares. I'm glad you have Dee. Sometimes I feel I'd give anything for a friend who understands that I could hug. It's hard to know what we're (us Forum folk) still doing here- but surely Dee needs you as much as you need her. So many lonely people.... We need you here on the Forum too, Gwen, because we're all trying to get to the end of this journey however and with whoever we can, that understands. I hope that you won't get swallowed by these thoughts. I have to have something to look forward to, like posts from Gwen. There is beauty in this world. It's hard to see now. I truly hope that you can find a life that you can live, with less pain and with beauty and love. 

I'm glad you posted, Gwen. I know you have the Saturdays too. Makes me feel less alone. 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you for the support.  ❤️  I don’t know what I’d do without the safety of here. It so helped to say it 'out loud'.  You can’t say anything about that in the world without being dismissed or possibly being locked up.  Being in a med facility, I really can’t say anything.  Legal issues and all.  Again, thank you to my family here.

[Widow2015]

Gwen:   I hear what you are saying, and I care and am sad you are feeling so totally down.  I assure you, like Marty says, "we will not leave you."  Big Hug, Dee

[V. R.]

My heart goes out to you, Gwen. I agree with all you lovely friends, we are all here to listen to you. I know it's not easy to understand this everlasting physical pain you're going through right now, just like grief unless you've personally experienced it yourself. Even when I'm not feeling up to writing here, I always read yours and everybody else's posts, the first thing I do every morning (after my wake-up cry) is check in to the forum. I'm so glad I found you, so please Gwen don't despair, you're not alone, say anything you want here, cry out, scream, whatever you want, it's alright with us. I have 'those thoughts' too, I always say to my husband: "we always did everything together, went everywhere together, but this time you left me behind. Why didn't you wait for me? Wait... , I can't catch up with you, you're too far ahead...." 

[KarenK]

Gwen, you're right. It's hard to know how to respond. I've never experienced anything remotely close to what you've been through in the last year. Even in my lowest of times after losing Ron and Debbie, I did not want to die. That does not mean that I'm judging you for having these feelings. I know you are at the end of your rope, but please remember that all of us here are holding on to the other end of that rope trying to pull you up. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel which is invisible to you, but I just know it has to be there.

Not sure about who you should talk to if your counselor and shrink are not helpful. Have you thought about calling your cousin. She probably knows you best of all.

[kayc]

I totally understand how you feel in light of all you are going through...the hardest part seems to be the lack of hope, no one has painted a pathway by which you can see hope to strive for, and you've striven so much already.  My heart breaks for you.  I remember feeling as you when George died, until I realized it wasn't so much I wanted to die as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through to LIVE.  Back then I was young, healthy, attractive, life should have looked good to me...but it didn't.  All I could see was what I'd lost.    

I continue to hold out hope for tomorrow but without something concrete to hold onto I'm not sure you can see that anymore and I truly get that.  I hope you will talk to Dee, the person you are closest to, if not your counselor.  

I wish we could be more help to you than just listening, but that is all my sister could do for me and it's what I miss most now...I hope it helps to know we're here and listening and we really do care.

[Kieron]

Gwen, everyone else so far has already said it well.  I, too, have had these moments more times than I can really recall, even before the greatest loss that I have yet experienced.  It would be easier to just go to sleep and not have to wake up again, or wake up to find it was simply a bad dream that ended with the morning light.  I get it.  This place is a safe container for those thoughts and wishes, which have to go somewhere. 

And speaking of wishes, I doubt there is anyone here who doesn't wish we could all consolidate our energy, from our various locations, into one big care package, or a daring rescue mission and a field-leveling maneuver like that American TV show Leverage.

From Wikipedia: "Leverage follows a five-person team: a thief, a grifter, a hacker, and a retrieval specialist, led by former insurance investigator Nathan Ford, who use their skills to carry out heists to fight corporate and governmental injustices inflicted on ordinary citizens. "

(hopefully the mental image of all of us infiltrating that place to rescue you brings a small smile) 💖

[Gwenivere]

You’ve all been so wonderful with your support.  Having released some here yesterday, I still feel it, but not as suffocated.  I didn’t know how common this was to feel having never had it before.  Definitely something you have to be careful who you tell.  It’s so odd to live with that always  on your mind.  Where you go whenever any problem or emotional low hits hard.  Or ones that keep hanging on no matter what you do.  My cousin isn’t a good choice not having llost her parter to death band being an extreme fixer.  She’s not checked in on me.  Seems I always call her.  Times like this make you notice who reaches out to you. 

Had a run in with a nurse who I have had on rotation since I’ve been here.  She gets frustrated with my changes in meds.  Also my questions asking to verify pills that get confusing to me.  She said inferring she overdose me, shows me the pharmacy cards the pills come in and said I’m always asking for the changes.  They are the result of discussions with the APRN.  Yes, I do check what’'s in that little cup before swallowing them. I didn’t  realize she took it that personally.  I just know mistakes have been made so I verify.  I do that with every nurse.  Going to talk to the nursing director.  I can’t think of a way to talk to her anymore without defensiveness on her part.  I’d rather we worked it out but is beyond that.

 I also need to talk to therapy about having extended my stay but gotten less help.  That was the point of staying and paying so much.  If I didn’t get up myself and walk, no one would say a word.  Also, walking itself isn’t enough.  There has to be more therapy for this.  
 

I sent my surgeon pi’cs of how bad this as I very much doubt I could come in person.  It’s scheduled as Zoom already.   I realized walking it is worse than the standing picture.  Guess he should see that, but just can’t see doing the ride especially from as far away as I am here.  
 

Wet to Bingo and won one game bringing my total to $9.  Just about enough for 2 dinners for Dee and me.  They’ve opened a new jigsaw puzzle I think won’t last.  It’s to complicated by being to similar for the whole thing.  No one has found all the border pieces and that’s usually easy.  I want it to relax to, not drive me crazy. Gawd, puzzles and bingo.  Just stamp old on my forehead.  
 

Another week begins and more phone calls.  Shower, maybe some restorative care for strength at least.  Facing all the walks and pain.  Time getting closer to going home and so much not figured out.  I’m sure he morning will bring more news.  I wish my old tactics worked to relax.  Not possible now.  

[Widow2015]

Gwen:  Good to read you're feeling stronger emotionally today and happy you won at Bingo again.  YaHoo!  Hope you get good sleep tonight.    Hugs, Dee

[KarenK]

Gwen, so sorry about your cousin. I didn't realize that you hadn't been in contact for a while. I haven't talked to my New Mexico cousin in 25-30 years. We had a falling out over her 2 criminal sons. Family is not always what it's cracked up to be.

Have you had a chance for Dee to meet with someone about the shower remodel yet? It would be nice if it was done before you get home to avoid the mess.

Is there any chance someone from the surgeon's office could come to the rehab to evaluate you? Doubtful, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Sleep well, my friend.

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Times like this make you notice who reaches out to you. 

Yes, and who doesn't.  My sister and I always checked on each other.  She couldn't do anything to help me but her caring helped me the most!  She never fully realized that, no matter how often I told her.  I'm feeling her absence.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I just know mistakes have been made so I verify.

And keep on doing so.  It is entirely HER problem that she personalizes what isn't personal!  SHE needs to get help for her insecurity, not your issue, you have enough on your plate without hers.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There has to be more therapy for this.  

That is what I find about anything medical...no one seems to see things through, no one takes charge or helps like they used to!  All I can do is question, question, question!  But sometimes it's annoying that I have to do all my own research, demand this, question that!  When do they accept responsibility for their life's work?!

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Gawd, puzzles and bingo.  Just stamp old on my forehead.  

  I don't have patience for big puzzles, I went through a phase of doing them but don't anymore. My life seems to be busier than it used to, I miss the down time, but don't want FORCED down time like you've gotten!  

Yesterday I got 6" of the heaviest wettest snow I've seen in 45 years here!  SUPER heavy sludge full of water!  Somewhere between snow and water but it "stuck."  I don't even want to tell you my BP afterwards!  At least my pulse is good!  I got the driveway and the 100' path to the firewood done, took all day when I wasn't in church (got a ride) or taking Kodie to his playdate, walking.  My BS was 81, that's great!  But knowing I cannot do this every day, I parked my car on the road so now I only have to do the pathway to the firewood, should have done that to start with!  My car can stay there until Spring finally arrives!  I have a steep driveway and it's like a gully down here, so cold, and more snow than everyone else on the street!  Jazzy was so cute yesterday, she threw herself down on the snow and scooted, just like Kodie does, on the side of her face, eyes closed, just savoring every bit of it!  Also she spun/spun/spun like Kodie does!  It was so cute!  Maybe he's rubbing off or maybe it's a Husky thing!

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I realized walking it is worse than the standing picture.

Could someone do a video with their cellphone and send it to him?

Yay on the bingo win!  We take all the positives we can get!  Sounds like a good one!

Peggy's PA was going to come to her house to do a "physical," (he lives not far behind her 1/2 the week, from out of town), she died before it happened, but I so appreciate his willingness.  The short time she had him she really liked him.  I knew she would.

Gwen, will be thinking of you today and hoping your zoom mtg. is productive.

 

[Gwenivere]

On 4/11/2022 at 12:00 AM, KarenK said:

Is there any chance someone from the surgeon's office could come to the rehab to evaluate you? Doubtful, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.

I know you didn’t mean it humorously, but I did get a small laugh at the thought of the hardest doctor I deal with coming here.  I’m lucky if I get a few words in email or thru on the phone.  I did send hi pictures of me and my walkers and my incisions.  From that came no change from Zoom.  These peoples ‘practice' is ruled by the minute. 
 

Haven’t talked to Dee about meeting with a contractor for the bathroom.  She stayed at my house overnight for the first time. She didn’t sleep in my bed where I turn on my fan for white noise that drowns out hearing the phone or mail alarm. She was also upset about a fight with Robin, her dog how she treats them and Dee.  
 

Restorative care showed up today after 3 days.  Starting Weds. they do an assessment for a week so every day.  Was going to pass, but it may help getting more home health care.  
 

Stopped taking a supplement for digestion that upsets digestion to fix digestion.  Now it’s all out of whack again.  There’s no solution it seems.   Not in here, their food, lack of exercise (tho I’ll get more here than at home), meds that cause it.  Have no interest in food and have missed$ some fun treats at activities. 

On 4/11/2022 at 5:40 AM, kayc said:

no one seems to see things through, no one takes charge or helps like they used to!  

I made lots of calls today.  All the one’s saying they’d call back never did.  Par for the course.  One was for the director of nursing as I wanted to discuss the nurse I had a conflict with over the weekend.   I know she’s busy.  Timing here is nuts.  The actual doctor for this place that comes by once a month tried talking with me with in 5 minutes of waking up.  I couldn’t talk coherently so it was left to tell his ARNP which I’ve always done if I can get her in here.  In many ways I should be glad I’m going home but I’ve laid out those concerns and now I have try try to get my stomach and pain manageable.  At least here I can bitch at someone.  I’ll have no help at home for meds.  As my pain has shown no sign of backing down, I have no idea ide what their plan is, much less the dependence I must have already.  I know when you sign those discharge papers you have are severing any chance of help if needed.  I wish I could walk.  I’d be doing so much of it.  The concern about the pain meds would have to battled on my own, even tho they got me into this.  I’ve got 14 days to press for a plan. 

❤️ to all.  Stay warm, dry and safe, Kay!  Hope your teeth are OK, Karen.  

 

[kayc]

One foot of snow already, another foot to come in the next 24 hours, I no longer have my driveway shoveled, can't keep up, but I did the path to the firewood at 4 am...have to keep that clear, that's survival.  DIL bugging me to come see my granddaughter's school program next week, she doesn't get it, I'm in survival mode, can't afford to drive up there every week, nor how hard it is on Kodie and I for the six hour round trip drive.  She herself has not been here since 2014 and that was miserable.  My son never comes anymore either.  

Lost an earring of Peggy's, it upset me.  Feels like another loss, doesn't make any sense but just does.  Tried to buy a spare but AFTER I bought them found out they were studs instead of dangles like hers.  Wasted the $.

I'm sorry Dee's having problems with Robin, that's hard.  How my dog is treated is #1 importance to me and I know it is to all of us.  

Glad I moved my firewood before this storm in preparation so it wouldn't get saturated with snow, even though Iris' husband poo-pooed me about it.  He's like Peggy, takes each day as it comes and procrastinates what he can.  Sometimes we have to make preparations.  I've lived here 45 years, I'm well aware of the weather and what it can do.  Just not normally this late in the season!  It's supposed to be Spring!  I want a refund but who do you complain to!  It does no good to bellyache about it, just take it in stride, seems that's my life now.  And now that Peggy's gone, not even anyone to care to listen.  

Gwen, I wish Bingo for you today, I know, sorry to have our hopes on something like that but we have it where we can.  I'm not even sure what to look forward to anymore...I still have Kodie, that means the world to me.  I woke up at 4 from a dream he'd escaped (at my son's house) and I was terrified!  Wild animals, never seeing him again...who can get back to sleep after that!  That after being kept up two hours past my bedtime by the internet company...I've had an issue for four months but the previous two complaints never went anywhere, I never dreamed he'd keep me on the phone so long though!

[V. R.]

43 minutes ago, kayc said:

preparation so it wouldn't get saturated with snow, even though Iris' husband poo-pooed me about it.  He's like Peggy, takes each day as it comes and procrastinates what he can.  Sometimes we have to make preparations.  I've lived here 45 years, I'm well aware of the weather and what it can do

I couldn't help but smile when I read your post Kay. I can relate to you here. Just like you, I've got used to making preparations, be it for snow, rain, strong winds, scorching hot summer days, whatever the weather, we always have to anticipate problems, what could break, what could fly away, and so on. We're not that high up (about 400m/1300 ft), but it's enough to get us 'snowed in', and we often have gale-force winds. I can honestly say that the Covid lockdowns didn't really disturb us that much, as we're used to stocking up anyway. Actually we were able to go for strolls in the country while those poor people in town could only sit outside on their terraces and balconies. All that seems like a dream to me now, I had my husband with me then 😢. 

 

[nashreed]

It's funny how some people refuse to think ahead, to prepare. My Mom is like that, and it drives me insane. She's always on the guilt trip of "My plans never work out (not-secret meaning her marriage from 50 years ago), so why make plans?" But that doesn't mean you don't think ahead to the possibilities of needing something ready and not having it. I've been called into service to be the "responsible" person around here lately, and it stresses me out. My Mom and brother lived by themselves for years and always got by perfectly fine, but now it seems that without me here, they would be screwed- nothing major, and maybe I'm just being overly sensitive to it.  

The thing is: I don't want to be "responsible" for anything. It's not just laziness, it's that the stress of planning a trip out or even being the one in charge of being on time is too much pressure. I have no tolerance for stress at all anymore. It's like a kid being given a hamster to take care of, and if the hamster dies, they don't get another one- I was responsible for Annette and I failed. Just thinking of working again stresses me out. 

[Gwenivere]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

Lost an earring of Peggy's, it upset me.  Feels like another loss, doesn't make any sense but just does. 

Makes absolute sense to me. I lost my 30th anniversary platinum chain necklace from Steve at the hospital and it still breaks my heart.  It cannot be replaced.  Even if I replaced it, it wouldn’t be from him.  Obviously some things are priceless in emotional value no amount of money can touch.  
 

11 hours ago, nashreed said:

I was responsible for Annette and I failed. 

You were responsible for not curing her diabetes?  You were/are responsible for not changing nature and cell growth and abnormalities?  You possess the power to cure so much and have withheld it from the world?  I was 'responsible' for Steve’s care, but I certainly did not fall him in his fight.  How could you have extended her life and from what you have shared, a very painful one?  I don’t know what more to say to free you of these self imposed guilt shackles.  You said you bought some CD's and weren’t always %100 attentive, just like every other caregiver.  You can’t be a good caregiver if you’re burned out.  There were times I had to leave and do something for myself.  I was always reachable.  I know you were too.  There were also times Steve needed to be alone.  Just because you are sick and dying doesn’t mean you don’t want to have privacy with your emotions. There were times I would have been in the way because  I was unable to feel what he did.  We all know that from being grievers around others that are not.  I only say all this because I care abut your suffering.  💕

Been a 'fun' day of showers, paying my bill here, again hearing about group homes and assisted living, phones calls and the usual people not coming by as requested except the billing office.  They show up pronto for money!  No therapists for my body.  Dee’s moving my parakeets home today.  Found out my government appeal against my insurance arrived.  I have to wait til I get a case number til I can register at a site to see what is going on.  They said 1-2 weeks.  
 

I get so messed up on days.  There’s a Mariners game on and activities is full of people so it feels like a weekend.  It’s almost time for my last long walk before transforming into old lady nightgown mode.  Don’t have to, but routine.  I don’t know how I’ll re establish my routine at home or find another.  I liked eating at 10pm and the 9pm nap.  But the pain was so much less.  One of the med people that came by did validate that this 2nd surgery was hell to recover from for all the reasons I figured.  In a couple days I’ll see what the doc says.  A very crazy part of me wants him to say stay here. But that is fear of home because I don’t know what that means.  Plus Dee will be living there to help and I’m not used to anyone but Steve.  Even he would take getting used to after all this time.  We think it would be easy, but we’ve been thru serious trauma.  
 

Time to start wrapping it up for another day.  Bingo this afternoon.  Trying to reschedule with my counselor for Friday after the surgeon.  I’ll probably really need it.  💖 to you all.