My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

I'll definitely hold you in my heart, Gwen.  I hope you got your bath and hair done yesterday.  75 inside the house this morning.  It was 100 yesterday until late.

I hope and pray all goes well, I know it'll be difficult.

[Gwenivere]

It feels so strange gathering up all my stuff and things looking so bare.  The pain is such a reminder. I don’t know know what to do tonight.  I so want to go back to my old schedule  but it’s so different.  Meds, meals, sleep.  I’m wishing I could step over a time line between worlds.  I heard there is bingo today. I could go, but I think it would depress me and cut it close to when Dee gets here.  I don’t know what to do!    This is the world I know now.  
 

Fast forward…..I’m at my house.  It’s so weird.  I went and played bingo waiting for Dee.  Left early to be back when she got there.  World looked so odd to me.  Having trouble with the phone and TV remotes.   More painful sitting than the hospital bed.  Supporting my legs is/what is vital.  I haven’t been very patient since getting here, there’s so much to do. My OCD side.  I had to et rid of about 50 messages, reset the the machine from a power bum, reset my bedroom alarms and see how the bed would be.  Now it’s trying sleeping.  There has been very little I could have done without Dee.  The back of the house is very warm also.  
 

This is all very scary.  I have no idea how it will be.  The saying……stop the world, I want to get off comes to mind.  
 

[V. R.]

Glad to hear you're home, Gwen. Don't worry, it must seem scary at first, but I'm sure everything will go well for you. 

Big hugs to you. 

[Widow2015]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This is all very scary.  I have no idea how it will be.  The saying……stop the world, I want to get off comes to mind.  

Gwen: Can only imagine what is going through your mind as you face so many unknowns and challenges.  Sending good thoughts and warm gentle hugs. Dee

[KarenK]

Gwen, glad you made it home safely and are starting to settle in. I'm sure it will take a while to figure out what works for you. I have a small padded bench in front of my lounge chair to prop my legs on. Would that be helpful? Hope you had a comfortable day without too much pain.

I've been watching "House", not that I haven't seen it before. It's just kind of a clever series.

Hope you are getting some rest.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you for the well wishes.  Sleeping was OK, but I get a weird headache from my neck,   was a big  challenge.  

My doc is calling tomorrow hours before before I wake before prescribing my pain meds for a slow withdrawal.  I’m useless in that state so I hope he wont go into details as I will be brain dead.  I want a slow withdrawal too.  Thursday I talk to the surgeon early and that is very important for my future options.  PT keeps calling and I’m going to tell them to back off til next week.  So I’m going to tell me to give me some breathing room. I’ll get going next if my surgeon gives the green light.  I need my X-rays reviewed first.

Karen, I have a step stool i can try.  Beds are just the best for taking stress off the spine. I’ll tr it tho.

My mail is in 2huge stacks.  At some point I have to get all the IRS stuff out.  Counters are piled with stuff that overwhelms me.  I’m a minimalist.  Still have 3 bags in the living room and had Dee put al the non perishable stuff in the kitchen away. If I ever make it thru the mail it will be a triumph.  
 

I'm being slammed with calls from home health.  This is the worst week for it.  Going to tell them to back off til next week.  I’ve already have .2 mornings messing with the mornings and adjusting.  Another different night and  this AC is acting flaky.  Worst month for this.  We’re watching Cruella.  Good esapism.

 

[KarenK]

This bench I have is more like a square vanity bench, I guess. It's the same height as the lounge chair's seat which makes it supportive.

Maybe you'll find a lot of the mail is junk and you can just pitch it😁

 

[kayc]

Welcome home, Gwen.  I'm sure it's overwhelming!  Yes, anyone that can hold off a week should.  Or two.  

I'm still down with Covid, not contagious but symptoms worse than when I had the contagion.  The cold part is awful!  

The sore throat is the worst, and sinuses.  

Good luck on the mail.  If you can find a comfortable way to sleep, that's essential.  Praying you'll get through this huge adjustment!  

[Gwenivere]

2nd day here and missed my call with my doc. They called but i was so dead asleep I said no and went back.  Have to try again today and he insists on using Zoom to make it more a challenge.  Dee is going to get it set up.  My surgeon appointment is put for 2 weeks because they can’t read the disc.  Have to  get another.  No PT til they say.  My edema is back and huge.  
 

Lot's more happened, but it was so time consuming I need to play some games because I have to try pulling off this early doc thing.  Have to recheck all the med dispensers too.  Going to be a long day in so many ways.

[kayc]

Good luck with your doctor's appt, Gwen!  I don't do zoom here so they'd have to settle for televisit.

After everything, I imagine you were pretty tired!

[Gwenivere]

I  always thought Zoom was. a televisit.  You can both see each other, right?

So Dee woke me up and had my iPod all ready to go.  They then tell me they had a mid afternoon slot.  Sheesh.  I was already there so will have to read the notes as it’s a blur.  Fell back to sleep and  caught up.

 Getting a list of my med times and doses to make sure I’ve got things right.  My strength is getting worse in these. few days.I told them they have to call in the afternoon. Met with the nurse today and got all signed up.  Also everything in the afternoons and calls the day before.  
 

Tried phone task’s that frustrated me. Trying to pay bills and the numbers didn’t work.  How-do you pay?   Even tried online and got one done.  Dee is trying to get me to slow down to stop getting so stressed.   We got a lot done getting bags emptied and off the floor.  Chipping away at 7 months of mail.  Starting to find IRS stuff.  Tossing out things maybe I shouldn’t but sick of being buried in med stuff.  Created a spreadsheet for this years med experiences.  Feeling like unpacking is a dangerous thing as I don’t know if ill stay by seeing how it is.

 I’m grateful I can sleep in my bed.  It’s pretty bad getting around.  Eating is not enjoyable at all wherever I sit. We’re watching House of Gucci.  Dee is gone for afternoons. I’m glad she gets out of here to see her friends and do her own thing.  I’m very boring to be around in the day.   I'm consumed  by the fear I won’t e able to live here.  My worst nightmare.  Id rather be alone in that mood.  It’s always there, but while companies are open the word is too,  without me.
 

 

 

 

[kayc]

I have slow speed internet with limited data, can't do streaming, it's like being crippled I reckon, but I've gotten used to it.

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Created a spreadsheet for this years med experiences.

Haha, now you sound like me!  I love spreadsheets!  My budget is very complicated, an ongoing file I have had for over 20 years!  It's sort of evolved over the years, I track my M/C and visa on it, also my bank accounts, plan my budget for the upcoming couple of years, track my buying firewood, etc.

Dee being gone afternoons gives you just the amount of time alone you need, I'm glad you have that.  

[Sad_Widower]

Hello Gwen,

I have been reading what I can of his super-thread, mainky jumping around so forgive me if I am completely off, but  it seems you have had some  hospital stays and are now back home? That’s wonderful for you I hope  

I laughed at your comment about “how to pay bills?” I agree it’s tricky. When my wife last, she was the bill payer and had the log in to everything.  I ran in to brick walls trying to get things switched over and used to think “I can’t believe I am having to beg these companies to let me pay them money.”  For some things like AT&T I just had to wait until our service got suspended to pay (I had no way to pay it ahead of time). Crazy.  

I found your thoughts on assisted living interesting.  This has been fairly taboo in my family throughout the generations.  Meaning from a young age I watched the family members take care of their elder relations as opposed with putting them in an assisted-living situation.  Even my own parents (who don’t talk to me) know that I would never turn one or both of them away if they ever needed to live with me. They can just live with me and not talk to me still if that is what they choose. 🙂 I have also asked my son (who is only 21) to promise he would never do that to me either.  We’ll have to wait and see on that one.   

In all candor, i wish I had a neighbor who could use my help.  I’m still fairly young (52) and can get around fine when I have need.  It would be a perfect situation as I work from my home office and am ALWAYS home (with the exception of some business travel).  
I’d love nothing more than to have a widowed woman (or man) who lived next to me where I could help with the chores around the house, take care of their lawn, help with any “computer stuff” (it’s what I do for a living) etc. More importantly, just have someone to share a companionship with. Play cards etc (I LOVE bingo, BTW).  

Regarding your hospital stays. I am unable to empathize.  I was a care-taker for my wife who easily spent two years in the hospital over a course of five years (11 months straight once) so I’ve seen the effects it can have on people.  I used fo tell my wife “just think in terms of you are there for one sole purpose. To heal.  It’s a healing center focused on you.  Many people around the world suffering the same thing might not even have the option.”  I realize a statement like that can only go so far, but it’s a true statement nonethelesss.   

Anyway. I have a lot of reading to do on heee and will endeavor to catch up via this thread. Until then I sincerely wish you good health and good fortune over the coming days.  As someone else noted, your mind appears incredibly sharp, and that’s usually a good sign the body will follow. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m so dependent on Dee.  I do things on my own and dearly pay for them.  I made calls today about the X-rays and it still is a waiting game for an unencrypted CD.  Why they sent it that way is ludicrous.  Now it’s wait again as it’s only been a couple of days.  The surgeons office said they would call if there is something obviously wrong.  I’m going to try sitting on the couch to have my legs elevated.  That means moving a lot of stuff to the coffee table, but Harder getting up and down.  I hate the need to move my clutter to the coffee table. Can’t get temp comfortable. Have a 3 day heat wave coming Saturday. I have bills in the thousands but none in the mail from various places.  My mind just wants to explode.  
 

we haven’t got Dee moved in.  Have to make room in her bedroom.  This house is  so upended with all the changes.   Piles of stuff not put away.  Everyday i get more exhausted.  I move around less and less.  Make calls that get me frustrated and depressed.  I washed my bowl from dinner as I opted to heat something instead of a sandwich and I could barely do it.  Time slips away. Exhaustion steps up.

[kayc]

You are doing it.  You're not 100% settled in yet, but you're doing it.  

[Gwenivere]

The big question is it I can stay here.   I got a shower yesterday which took longer as it’s so different than rehab.  But she was great.   Hopefully quicker next time.  It doesn’t end with that, have to wait on hair to dry and pin back up.  A once easy procedure.  Funny having a useless back complicates everything.  The couch thing iis only for watching a movie so no moving everything.  House of Gucci was about half an hour too long.  No exercise beyond what I have to do.  Eating is so unpleasant that I’ve gained a couple pound since getting home.  Dee and I have sources between the CCenter and the church.  We’re diving-into the freezer to make a dent for new stuff.    
 

I'm still chipping away at the mail.  So much med stuff that is what I hate most.  I shouldn’t be getting any bills from rehab but there could be tests hey ordered.  I’m been pitching any stuff from my financial advisor.  Just found Steve’s registration to pay and remembered the battery is dead.  A roadside help call.  Today is going to be bad as always.  Dee trying to replace a broken floodlight.  
 

I've been sleeping so deep. It’s not from physical exhaustion, it’s depression.  Knowing it’s another repetitive day to wake up to.  Worse being a weekend.  Nothing good on TV.  The only  good thing I found out yesterday-was I was paid in full on in full on a med bill.  WE tried watching a movie that was really stupid.  A big let  down.   There is a John Wick marathon, but doesn’t start til late afternoon.  Think Dee is hanging out here all day. Misery loves company?

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Nothing good on TV.

Isn't that the truth!  It amazes me how I can have so many channels of garbage!!!  And we PAY for this!

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The only  good thing I found out yesterday-was I was paid in full on in full on a med bill.

I'd take it!  I need to call my medical insurance and find out if they ever straightened out my doctor's credentialing.  Been putting it off 1 1/2 months giving them a chance to resolve it.  Ha!

[Gwenivere]

I’m so buried in insurance paperwork.  I don’t know what’s paid or not.  I have copays from insurance but so few actual bills.  With Dee’s help I got Steve’s van tabs renewed.  The AC seems to be working.  Great as its going to be in the 90's for the next 2 days.  I’m really paying for lack of exercise and extra-slouching in the chair.  Small withdrawal on oxy from waking up too close to. alarm  time.  People braving the high heat to get to our huge lake.  Seafair weeded with the Blue Angels.    Going to have to eat dinner soon. No desire or appetite.  We’re going to watch Trains, planes and Automobiles for some humor while waiting on new stuff coming.  
 

The depression is getting harder and harder.  Somehow my rehab PA got to be my doc on my mail order.  They were ordering meds from another company so now I have to get m PCP back on record..  How she got in there annoys me.and that she did.   I wasn’t expecting to have to unravel so much when it’s enough to have to figure out being here. I love-and hate this house now.  I miss all the good times-and unravelling this mes.  Will I ever be with Melody again?  Will it become a memory of good bye I didn’t even know at the time?   

'Ve been home a week now.  Taking p lots of Dee's time.  II wasn’t hoping I wouldn’t I wouldn’t.  I don’t know if she’d be too nice to tell me it was better.  I’m judging myself thru everyone else’s eyes. Even my own.  I feel like a pain to ave to deal with.

 

 

[kayc]

She wouldn't be there if she didn't want to be.

So exhausted, tired of battling Covid, getting better every day but the congestion/clearing throat is slow in improvement...

[KarenK]

Gwen, hoping Medicare and your secondary insurance have paid the providers in full. Maybe you won't see many bills. I never get a medical bill from a doctor.

Would you be able to go for a short drive with Dee just to get away from everything for a while? Maybe see that lake you mentioned.

[V. R.]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

every day but the congestion/clearing throat is slow in improvement...

Sorry to hear you're still battling with covid. 

Wishing you a speedy recovery. ❤️

[Gwenivere]

I overslept today.  Turned off the alarm and was gone. Now the day is al out of whack.  My post from yesterday is riddled with mistakes I was sure I checked it.  Read like I was drunk.  It should haves been riddled with red underlines. Losing an hour today I still found calls to maker as I got through all my mail and found very little for my taxes.  Had the wrong number for CPA so had to track that down.  Haven’t done much walking.  The heat is intense.  Dee’sq picking up our dinner, whatever it may be.  Called number I didn’t recognize and it was the daughter of a resident at Foss that died.  So tired of pain as always.  Will need Dee to make me walk a couple short trips up and down the hall.  Pill box filling day of the week.  
 

I'm just so out of it, I keep having repetitive conversations.  I feel more out of it for having a shorter day and less meds.  Each day I walk less adds to the mess.  It took us a long time to fill med boxes as my brain is so slow reading off dosages.   We’ve got a mix of ned cards and bottles.  Now i see why the nurses were frustrated. Bottles are so much easier. 
 

I was joking that maybe we’d get pizza for dinner and  we did!  It tased so good.  Side Caesar salad..  we watched half of Doubt so with Streep.  She’s the epitome of the cold, cruel nun from school and her peers.  
 

I'm amazed how my brain is so compromised by these pain meds and people seek this. out. We used to like the stuff 30 years ago.  It’s no fun needing it and it not being very effective.  Knowing any movement is going to hurt is more that depressing.  I know if I could escape the internet physical pain, I could find some motivation.  I’d give anything for that.  I know all of us in internet pain would.  From my side of the fence, give me some boredom to fill.  
 

 

[kayc]

I take 20 supplements, so it takes a while to fill up the pill boxes.  But it must be helping, doctor didn't say otherwise.

I'm glad you got your pizza and caesar salad!  And a movie with Streep, sounds good!  Not sure I'd like the content though.

Someone asked if I'd like my mom back as my mom in heaven, no, I want to know her, but not as my mom!  I didn't like it the first time, why would I want that back?  Some horrors are best left behind.

Yesterday being a Sunday, was your tax person around?

[Gwenivere]

Only got my tax person by VM.  Found the packet she wants last night.   Got it filled out and ready to mail.  Why can I do these things but so out of control emotionally?
 

Pretty much all my homes were happy ones.  This, by far the very worst now. I don’t know how I’ll handle it.  All I know is I can’t continue like this.  I do little things like pay bills, but nothing that connects me to other humans.  Just Dee. I can’t see any way PT can give me that back.  You’d have to feel the pain to understand it.  To dread every movement you make.  Hear about and see all the things people are doing.  I can see PT helping improve things et stronger, but moving bones?   Makes no sense it can do that.  And shouldn’t in a spine.  That’s why I’m terrified it’s healed this way.  This isn’t sore, this is excruciating.

We watched Doubt with Streep last night. Gonna to watch Aretha tonight.  The CCenter lunch I didn’t like so ate a half old sandwich.  I wish food appealed.   I’m so slouched, sitting at the table I feel like a litter short kid.  I’m already dreading today. It will be pain and imprisonment.   The hardest thing in the morning emotionally is trying not to overwhelm Dee with my depression.  Jinny (my grief counselor) wants to know how I’m doing.  I should book a session as it would be fairer how much time I’d need to talk.  Wrote my surgeon for help.  

 

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I wish with you...so much.  I know it has to feel desperation by now, I don't know any answer, yet I feel the doctors owe you one.

Covid seems gone as I can finally breathe now after two week & one day!  My neighbor has it now, nope we haven't been near each other, only on the phone.