My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

I also worry for your safety. It sounds as though she may be bipolar and needing medication. It requires her cooperation to be helped. Not sure how to accomplish that. I'm sorry you are backed into a corner, but it sounds as though it is only getting worse. Definitely not helpful for your recovery.

[kayc]

You want a good laugh?  My story in "loss of love relationship..."  Updated.

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

You want a good laugh?  My story in "loss of love relationship..." 

I'm so sorry, Kay. And no one is laughing. This is not funny. Not funny at all 

[Gwenivere]

I am in a corner. I’m looking into an agency, but as I said, besides obvious things like food shopping, I don’t know when I will need something.  I have to commit to determined hours a week.  They also can’t do my meds.  That is vital.  I’ve done them once, but the side effects of pills, chronic pain, having to face my shrink and Dee play into everything.  My counselor said the agoraphobia is very common.  That helps immensely.  She suggested finding a counselor that specializes in living with chronic pain.  
 

I haven’t done much today.  I’m overwhelmed with depression.  A third of the day goes by so fast leaving the rest aware of the time going by.  Everywhere I I turn I see how trapped I am.  No fires so far today.  What I usually want.  Makes me more aware of my true circumstances.  How there are no answers.  Well, there are but they are so dark.  I called my counselor and she suggested a pain therapist.  Another message to docs for suggestions.  Dee came home gut punched about her friends death.  A lot of repetition of why.   It’s hard to explain how frustrating it is.  
 

Supposed to have a shower today.  Not sure I can handle it.  I’m getting so close to crossing an insanitary line.  

[KarenK]

I've seen various care agencies advertised on tv, but don't know what services they provide. One that comes to mind is called "Home Instead".

Wondering if Dee would consider seeing a grief counselor or joining a local group. Maybe something at the church where you get meals?

Ask your doctor about a pain management specialist.

Hope tomorrow goes smoothly for you and you get your shower.

[kayc]

Have you tried senior services for suggestions?  They should have a list of helps for your area.  I contacted them when I was looking into a caregiver for my sister only they sent me a list for Eugene!  Not a help up here.  

[Kieron]

 

19 hours ago, KarenK said:

. It sounds as though she may be bipolar and needing medication

Sounds more like borderline, certainly a personality disorder.  "Walking on eggshells" so that you don't set off one of their rages is a classic warning sign.  🥺

[KarenK]

Thanks for that, Kieron. I was just grabbing at straws for an explanation of the woman's behavior. I shouldn't do that. My experience with mental illness is limited to a relative who is paranoid schizophrenic/manic depressive. Without medication, he completely loses touch with reality(hears voices, creates untrue scenarios in his mind, etc). He will obsess over something for years. I have never seen him violent. He is obnoxious which may just be part of his personality.  lol

[kayc]

My mom had nearly every personality disorder there was, it was extremely hard being around her.  Sounds similar.

Praying for Marty and those in the line of hurricane Ian this week...

I started out to drive the 3 hours to my granddaughter's baptism this morning, got 45 min (freeway) away and my tire pressure gauge came on...lst time that happened was a two day emergency/nightmare!  Nothing open, no help...turned around and prayed my way back to town, had a friend pick me up at Oakridge Tire Center and left the keys and a note in their slot..  

Got home and called my son as I hadn't received a reply to my text.  He said, "THIS is your emergency?!  Did you even get out and check the tires?!"  (Of course I did).  When my friend picked me up she told me the gauge goes not only to my four tires but also the donut under the trunk.  That it could also be a sensor needing replaced.  I only know I didn't want to drive several hours on it and take a chance, and I felt very uncared about that my son would expect me to take a chance like that!  No credit for having tried...

[nashreed]

That's terrible Kay. Your son sounds like a real jerk. You don't deserve such disrespect. 

[KarenK]

Kay, so sorry you were treated that way. Sometimes when I am concerned about something here, my son and grandson both treat me with disrespect verbally and look at me like I am nuts. We may be old, but we're not stupid! We just need a little help or a second opinion.

Have you considered joining AAA(if it's available to you), especially with all the distance driving you do? It costs about $100 per year.

[kayc]

I haven't but it sounds like a consideration!

No, my son is not a jerk, he's a wonderful son, but I don't feel treated with respect or caring today.  It is what it is.  I know he was disappointed, but how does he think I feel?  My little sister was the only one from my son's family...

[kayc]

I tried to call my granddaughter but no answer or call back from my son.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, Kay. I know from all you've shared about your son over the years that he is a wonderful and thoughtful man ~ thanks in no small part to the way he was raised. I'm sure that he sees you as a strong and independent lady, but he forgets that you are ALONE ~ and I don't think he realized what it's like for a woman traveling alone on a freeway to be faced with the possibility of a flat tire and the risks involved in proceeding on your way. I suspect he was coming from a place of sadness and profound disappointment, learning that you would not be present for his daughter's baptism ~ what he considers to be a significant, milestone event in her life. I'm sure he knows how much you love your granddaughter and how much you wanted to be there for him and his family. I hope you will read his reaction as a measure of his disappointment rather than an act of disrespect. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m not  going to try and diagnose Dee.  I know something is off.  There is no way she’d go to a group or anyplace like this.  She’s got a very strict thing about privacy as she doesn’t trust many people with private info about herself.

I explained how the agencies work.  Committed to hours, but not necessarily when you need something like late night or getting up.  Have to pay, used or not.  Plus the no help with meds.  
 

Did do my shower.  My friend (former aide) said I was more stooped over.  Got my hair up and all my laps in.  Had my Sunday Zoom chat in.  The Seahawks were playing football, so I gave the TV to Dee being an extreme fan.  We wound up with lots of food being Sunday, tho some is burned.  Shower friend brought me a meal too.  Wish I could really enjoy them.   Are good but if you’re uncomfortable you just want to get it done and over with.  
 

We’re going thru our last gasps of summer temps.  The house is very uncomfortable.  It’s nice and cool outside but warmer in here than it was outside all day.  I need new glasses and my insurance benefits say no copy or referral.  I don’t believe them.  So i need to call.  In home will be much more expensive than Target where I usually went.  Don’t need frames which they’ll pay $250.  I just wish something would bring some pleasure.  Almost time to sleep to do this again.  I read a bit more on this kephosis curvature that’s getting worse and besr answer is ……..surgery.  PT not usefl useful at my stage.  Maybe when I was in rehab they pulled the benefits on. I’ll never know 7 months later.  

 

 

[kayc]

7 hours ago, MartyT said:

I'm so sorry this happened to you, Kay. I know from all you've shared about your son over the years that he is a wonderful and thoughtful man ~ thanks in no small part to the way he was raised. I'm sure that he sees you as a strong and independent lady, but he forgets that you are ALONE ~ and I don't think he realized what it's like for a woman traveling alone on a freeway to be faced with the possibility of a flat tire and the risks involved in proceeding on your way. I suspect he was coming from a place of sadness and profound disappointment, learning that you would not be present for his daughter's baptism ~ what he considers to be a significant, milestone event in her life. I'm sure he knows how much you love your granddaughter and how much you wanted to be there for him and his family. I hope you will read his reaction as a measure of his disappointment rather than an act of disrespect. 

Thank you, your response was the best I received and I'm trying to look at it this way.  It's what George (Shalom) said to me as well.  I'm trying to keep this in mind and yet can't help but feel I let him down and he's disappointed in me...yet I felt under the circumstances I did the best I could.

[kayc]

I have an appt coming up for eyes as well.  Not really wanting to go through it again. I don't think I need a new pair yet.  

If PT won't help, I wouldn't opt for it then.  And since surgery is off the table for you...I just don't know. 

Never heard back from my son so didn't get to talk to my granddaughter.  I hope she doesn't feel her grandma doesn't care.

I'd wanted so much to talk to her yesterday.

 

 

[KarenK]

Seems these agencies need to remove "care" from their names. They advertise wanting to help you stay in your home, but fail to mention it has to be on their terms. Odd about no medication dispensing. Wonder if that varies by state. When my mother was in the private care home, I never thought to ask about that. I know she was given medication by the caregiver. I also know they weren't diligent about making sure she took it. Although she couldn't communicate well, she wasn't stupid. She rarely even took an aspirin and I'm sure she didn't trust people giving her pills for any reason. She would hide bunches of them in napkins in her night stand. I would probably do the same.

[MartyT]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

didn't get to talk to my granddaughter.  I hope she doesn't feel her grandma doesn't care.

I'd wanted so much to talk to her yesterday.

Maybe you could write a note to her, enclosed in a card, saying what you need to tell her? Unless the words come from you, Kay, whatever she is told about your absence will come from her mom and dad.

[Gwenivere]

Another day.of sitting here in fear.  I desperately want help but have no idea where to get it.  I got a large envelope from my insurance about changes for 2023.  I don’t even care.  I tried finding in home eye exams and there are ones for smart phones.  I made numerous calls and left messages with stats services.  Also called for the Covid booster.  Now I have too find out about the regular flu.  I’m doing this to act normal.  I don’t really care about any of them but glasses.  It’s not like I’m exposed, tho I guess I am thrU Dee.  
 

i've called my insurance and they have no precedent for in home eye care, if it exists...  I don’t know yet either.  Can’t talk to the spine center til a week from Thursday about the pain. The anxiety is out of control to add to what hell this is.  So all I’ve accomplished is waiting for return phone calls.  It changes nothing until those happen.  I need to cancel my alarm monitoring.  I hope that is simple.  Not planning on removing any equipment.  Just tired of the payments for nothing.  I’m trying to care.about something.  
 

i've been sick all day.  It’s hard to do anything feeling like that.  Add in the crippling pain.  The soonest my surgeons office will call is a week from Friday.  I don’t know how I’ll make it that long.   If I call 911 I don’t know what they will do beyond the ER. Which I’ve done once.  I was told to keep moving, but it’s become absolute torture.  I had a small dinner and feel so bad.  Dee is all upset and has been treating me with too much affection.  It makes me uncomfortable.  I’m so messed up I don’t know how to deal with any of it. Maybe she’s afraid of losing me like her friend.  

Going to bed is such a huge ordeal now.  Getting up is s  simpler, but I don’t dress for leaving the house.  I try and get things done so I’m not sitting the whole time, but I mostly am.  It’s so hard when you can't breathe well.   I don’t like living with constant complaints but it’s what it is.  I know I would be more bearable with Steve.  One thing so much a part of me.  It would be as painful.  It’s that love to hang onto.  
 

 

[kayc]

I'm so sorry you are sick!  A virus?  Is there anything that helps settle your tummy, ginger ale, 7Up?  

I wondered how you'd do the eye exam.  I had a heck of a time getting Peggy to her eye appts, countless times, cataract surgery, took so many visits!  Seven?  Can't remember, it was constant.  And dentures...I think three for that...at least.  Over an hour's drive to the valley and then again coming home.  And her wanting to go to stores.  I remember injuring my hand lifting her big heavy walker in/out of the car so many times.  I couldn't do it any more. It was pretty severe.  I was scared, it turned stark cold.

Yesterday was another day in the 90s!  Air quality in 500s.  

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I know I would be more bearable with Steve.

I know...the thought occurs to me sometimes too.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

With Steve I would feel there was a reason to bear this.  A very big part is why I  am.  As it is now, I don’t know why I am letting myself go insane and for what purpose.  Nothing good can come from this.  I really am aware today of how much a non person I am becoming.  I sometimes zone out, like I’m here, but feel nothing. In a moment I can change to utter foment.  Tuesday was the 2nd day the surgeon had no nurse to talk to.  What are patients supposed to do needing help?  My doctor brought uo a narcotic that sounds awful.  It can prevent you from sleeping.  Plus he hates anything addictive.  All these practitioner’s confuse me.  

I'm not one for chatting on the phone locally so in trying to send her a note I put her address in wrong.  Trying to fix it didn’t work.  Had an anxiety attack which shows me how on edge I am.  Also needed my B12 shot  that was overdue.  Dee had to help with that.  Finding more things I need that for.   
 

Time has no real meaning.  It’s a bizarre world when there are no meanings for anything but you have to do things to survive it.  They’re in direct conflict with each other.  Eating dinner last night was the usual.  So uncomfortable but I had to.  Any hunger fled when I shuffled in there, sat in pain and packed food into a squished torso disappeared.  But I sure feel it.

Sorry for the babbling.  About all I do.  I add more pain to get up and do things I often wouldn’t ask someone who was going to do themselves   Like they would do you.  It’s dumb. Yeah, I get up, but emphasize the pain.  I’m definitely going nuts as is quite obvious.  😵‍💫

[kayc]

Marty is in the eye of Hurricane Ian hitting through today and the next few days...say a prayer for her and all of the others there.

I will be gone for four days w/o a laptop, but know I am thinking of you all.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

All these practitioner’s confuse me.

I would say so!  Why would you want a narcotic that would keep you from sleeping?!  Is he nuts!!!

 

[V. R.]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Marty is in the eye of Hurricane Ian hitting through today and the next few days...say a prayer

Yes, in fact I read her post in the "Latest news" section. I've been watching CNN and I understand that the hurricane is about to reach the west coast of Florida. I hope she is OK, I've sent her a message on her profile page. 

We are all thinking of her and wishing her well. 

[Roxi]

I hope everything goes well for Marty and all the people in Florida...