My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

On 2/15/2023 at 3:32 AM, KarenK said:

He seemed afraid to go hungry, a result of his poverty stricken childhood

Yep, George too. 2nd oldest of 11 kids, drunken dad, mom raising the kids, dad spending on bar floozies instead of bringing home the bacon, it was bleak, and moving every couple of months to avoid rent...once in a while a neighbor would leave a bag of groceries at the back door.  George LOVED getting groceries!  Something I miss doing with him to this day.  Now it's just get in, get out.

 

23 hours ago, KarenK said:

Kay, isn't there a nearby teenager you could hire cheaply to shovel for you?

Ha!  That's how I raised MY kids, to shovel for the elderly, only they wouldn't take $ for it!  Teaches them to care about the less able bodied.  NOWADAYS people buy their kids snowmobiles to ride around in, tear up the roads so you can't drive in it once it freezes up!  And as for hiring a teen?  They want $15/hour minimum and work slow, don't do what you say, nope, done that.  I can't afford to every week!

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

What's happening with Mike, Kay?

Mike passed away Feb. 4, I hadn't seen him for two weeks prior, I never got to say goodbye. His memorial is this Sunday, riding with Iris so I can help her set up for it.  I miss him each and every day, one of my best friends.
It is friggin cold sitting outside on their patio w/o a hot drink to warm me up.  1/2 hour is all I can handle even with my down coat, hood, boots, gloves on.  The dogs have fur and aren't my age.  Walked down there at 2 yesterday, they were gone, house locked, kennel open which told me they went to the valley.  So we went home, called there 1 1/2 hours later, they'd just gotten home.  Got home close to 4:30 in time to feed Panther and start dinner.  Made some chaffle dogs yesterday, super good! I ate 3, was hungry!  Shared with Kodie.

My cirrhosis of the liver was reversed with Keto as well as so many other issues.  What are you going to do if she's in the hospital a month?  What are they doing for her?  I hope you save up single portion servings in your refrigerator/freezer ahead of time to eat on or know someone can deliver from the church of a senior site. Our senior site hasn't met in four years now.

Continuing to pray for Marley, Karen!

 

[Gwenivere]

Tune out the liver treatment is a day to day thing.  No overnights.  But it won’t feel good.  I’m not sure she will be able to drive which will create a huge problem.  She lives in a delirium all evening.  It’s terrible.  I’m feeling really s ick too.  Lots of anger.  Paranoia.  
 

Counseling was taken up by this.  I can’t get out of an in person appointment with the bone and joint guy at this pain clinic.  Don’t know what I'm going to do about that.  Still scared about the new meds.  
 

Have to try and get some sleep.  Lots of time to freak out today.  
 

Have to make a phone appointment with the clinic pharmacist but I haven’t talked to my doc yet.  So frigging complicated.  

[kayc]

Could you call a cab or uber? Is there a neighbor who would take you?

We have a worse snow storm coming this week, Tuesday on every day. Wind chill 5 below...

[KarenK]

Gwen,

Hepatic encephalopathy is associated with cirrhosis of the liver. It can cause mental confusion and hallucinations. Hoping the treatments will clear this up. When does she start treatment?

Thinking of you and sending positive vibes....

[Gwenivere]

Any transportation creates the same problem.  Dee could drive now if needed.  It’s the oxygen, in and out of  cars, tracking down wheelchairs and praying diarrhea doesn’t kick in a s well as no anxiety attack that are the hitches.  
 

Don’t know when Dee's treatment starts.  Waiting on her paperwork to take to the hospital.  Helping her put together a list of questions for the doc of how this could impact day to day life.  I need to know what I should be aware of.  I’m so limited in what I can do.  That’s very frustrating.  I’m trying to balance my stuff at the same time.  Don’t know how we’ll each do this.

We had a good ev evening last night.  Being one night back on her meds coincidentally helped.  Unfortunately I felt sicker.  Barely can keep my weight up, huge bloating, huge!  Eating is almost torture.  3 weeks before I really start the pain clinic plan.  Still waiting to hear if the one in person doc will make an exception.  Next week I only have one Zoom with my counselor.  Then things start picking up.  Dee starts her stuff.  I don’t escape lots of calls tho.  
 

Sleep is still rough too.  Which is where I'm heading.  Try for another day of denial that I should be in a facility and need lots of tests.  Being hunched over so much doesn’t answer answer this digestive problems and talk of it brings up colon tests that I'm terrified of.  
 

Very cold here and more coming.  No snow which is good.

 

💕 to you all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

Snow coming here Tues, lasting all week and beyond.  Wed. will be the really hard day shoveling, hoping I can keep up with it.  When you get in over your head (figuratively) is when you're in trouble.  Still have car parked by road, first 12 feet in front of carport still has snow, frozen hard.  20 degrees out.

So are they trying to talk to you about going to a facility, Gwen?  This all hasn't gone as you'd hoped with Dee.  I so much wish for her to quit drinking, take care of herself before it's too late for her...she doesn't seem to understand how damaging this is to her liver, her very health!  Every sip she takes!  I was just reading this morning about how helpful green tea is to our liver, read a study about it...good for pancreas too, and diabetes, cancer, heart.

[Gwenivere]

She definitely understands the devastation alcohol has on the body.  Bu that is part of the disease and addiction.  I see it regarding my oxycodone.  I have no choice either about continuing to use it.  My advantage is I can slowly taper  down unlike booze.   That is an abrupt stop.  Alcohol  also affects many other major organs.  My opiate is more neural.They are both very bad.  Those of you with personal experience or  close people know.  
 

The view one being prescribed gives us more empathy.  Treats alcoholics very poorly.  That s an actual affliction.  I grew up with it in my family.  Saw it’s effects.  Saw the battles, wins and losses.  Haven’t looked into tea as I don’t like tea and only drink water.  With my pain, little things like making it to try are monumental tasks.   I'm not exaggerating.  
 

Very long and hard night with Dee.  I’m exhausted.  Trying to juggle her and my stuff. Plus feeling very ill.  Hours after the waking up shock are so bad.  Eating is dreaded.  I’m redundant and hate it.  So sorry.  
 

I so want Stee.  😨

 

 

 

[kayc]

39 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I so want Stee.  😨

I know.

I grew up with an alcoholic dad, he prioritized it over us kids' needs, as a teen my parents never bought us shoes, clothes, shampoo, etc, actually from age 11, student body cards, school pictures, nothing.  Not only that he never protected me from my mom and that was even worse.  At age 16 he forbid me to go to church, which I'd always done, w/o my parents.  Between him and my mom's mental and physical abuse (it was truly horrific home environment to grow up in) it literally drove me away when I was 17 and left.

George was my happy spot in life, I don't know what I would have done w/o him and God.  I love my kids too and surely miss them since they left home a million years ago...

[Gwenivere]

Hard Sunday after one of the worst nights before.  Dee in a total lack out. My walking worse.  Having to have another talk.  Facing another night of reminders of my condition and if I can do anything to stabilize it.  Means a message 5o the surgeons office.  
 

Dee's not doing well on her old meds and dosage, which got doubled.   Talks to doc on Wednesday.  
 

Sent a message to my back doc about it getting worse.  
 

Time slipped away again.  Just want a ‘normal' day.  So tired of how messed up they’re become.

 

[Margm]

Gwen, not knowing the situation, I need to keep my fingers still.  But, they move on their own.  I do believe Dee has put the onus on you to take care of her.  Thought it a good idea at first, but the last thing you need is another problem to take care of.  I'm sure, like she is a child, you are feeling protective of her.  You talk about her bad life.  She sounds like a very good companion at times, like maybe she is helping you, worrying about her more than yourself.  None of my business, but it seems she is the one needing help, she sounds like she might hurt you in one of her "moods," whether caused by drugs or alcohol.  I can tell you this, I do not think you will find a caregiver anything like her out in this ole world.  But, it would be nice if Gwen had someone that she could depend on rather than "what's behind door #3."  And you never know.  It seems like you are the one giving her care, and you are the one needing care.  But, on the other side, she does keep you guessing what each new day will bring, and someone that takes care of you would not be that exciting.  Love you Gwen, love the care and worry you give to this child/young lady/woman, but you are supposed to be the patient.  I don't think life would be as exciting with a staid, older woman, that is a real caregiver.  I don't want this person to physically hurt you.  I will admit, worrying about her, you have not had to worry about yourself.  But, was that the focus of hiring someone to help you?  I think she "helps" in some ways, but I do not think you depend on her, except "what mood is she going to be in tonight."  Not my business, I think you would miss her and worry about her if she was gone.  

[Gwenivere]

I don’t hire Dee.  I didn’t know she had the mental problems she has when I invited her to live here.  I have no fear she would ever physically harm me.  It is her verbal interactions that’s hard to abide.  Finding someone to fit my needs is going to be huge.  This isn’t a formal caregiver situation.  We are roommates and friends.  We help each other, tho my physical ability to help her is very limited.   I can help her navigate the medical side of her upcoming treatments.  
 

I'm so extremely depressed.  I just want to cry.  I’m not doing anything that the doctors have suggested.  I care because of how I physically feel, but mentally I feel paralyzed.  Supposed to be a shower day today.  It’s unbelievable how bad I feel.

Finished a series on TV.  I tried to get lost in it.  Too anxious.  Wish I could look forward to going to sleep.  But I know what the morning brings.  Back to this inner darkness.  Will have to decide if I want the housekeeper on Friday.  I'm not the nicest person to be around.  I want clean but also don’t care.  
 

Maybe morning won’t come.  

[kayc]

I feel you slipping into despair, I'm so sorry everything looks/feels so glum and hopeless...as humans we need hope to hold onto, even if it doesn't materialize as we want and need it to.  I would not even worry about what the doctors think at this point, they aren't living your life.

It is pouring rain like I have not seen before!  Glad it hasn't turned to snow yet, it will anytime...that would be a huge amount!  Supposed to get two feet, Lord I hope not!  But added up the hourly, just shy of that.  My pour hands, just thinking of it...it's only been a week since we went through this, only 16" that time, just got the rest of the snow out of the driveway, didn't even bother moving my car back to the carport because it's supposed to start at any time...

 

[KarenK]

Don't envy you at all, Kay. Snow is beautiful when all you have to do is look at it. Wish you were rich and had a heated driveway.😁

Gwen, you have a friend there who needs you and cares. She's just not able to show it right now. I do wish you had known her better though.

Radar shows it's pouring at my house right now. Guess I'm under a glass bubble. Dry as a bone.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know what the future holds for Dee and me and just myself.  It will never be right.  I’m so physically compromised as well with this hardware inside me.  I will always be at the mercy of that.  I don’t know how someone is supposed to live like this day after day.  Knowing you’ll never go anywhere again on your own.  You’ll never feel ANY of the normal you once knew.

Found out Dee has been drinking every night.  She faces the withdraels before her liver treatment.  She’s going to be very sick.  I told her I would stand by her, but I will lose my cool often.  When/if she crosses lines, I'm pushing back and pulling back.  
 

Time for me to get sleep.  Got t(ru my shower.  Have lots of c alls today I hate doing.  It’s going to be a horrible day.

[kayc]

Nothing surprises me with an alcoholic, they were in my family and my kids' dad's family.  Why I raised my kids as a teetotaler, I didn't want to contribute to them having issues and I knew they had a 50/50 chance or greater.  Luckily I'm not and neither was my kids' dad.  It's a hard disease to live with and most NEED AA to get through it!  I'd encourage that.  I know she's stubborn but if she wants to live there maybe it's time to require it.  And check on her, make sure she's attending.  Get the name/phone number of her sponsor.  

[Margm]

AA has taken my sister out of alcoholism twice.  She fell off the wagon when she moved in with mom.  Hard hearted Hannah here (me) would have died of something after two days.  Now my sister is fighting cancer.  We go in Friday for debulking surgery.  As an answer, her surgeon is a colorectal surgeon.  Don't know how this came about, but said it was the radiation to cure another cancer.  After nine years, my colon surgery is also acting up, but I have no more fixing they can do.  I had total of 144 hours intracavitary radiation, plus outside radiation.  The most they say anyone could have. My insides won't hold a stitch or glue. On top of my sisters, I will just watch mine for awhile.  Nine years might have been as long as such things hold.  "Not having a good time in Louisiana either."

Scott had hepatitis C and withheld treatment because it caused depression and he didn't need more of that (he thought).  We took care of him for a year under the hep-C treatment they had back then.  It was a joy to my ears to hear him snore, then I knew he was still alive. How did he get it?  He had had a lot of blood transfusions when he was shot, but he was DJ at a stripper bar for years and years.  So sexual could have been a reason.  But we are pretty sure it was exchanging needles from the drug dependency.  Did not matter where it came from, it was a hard fight keeping him alive.  The medicine made him very- very sick.  His gallbladder grew to his liver and a tedious surgery was successful.  

All God's children have troubles.  I think in the song they call it "chillens." We just do what we can.  

[Margm]

My kids have been through a lot.  My daughter was abused by our trusted youth director (who was married) from age 14 to 17.  We trusted him and his wife to help take care of her while I was in Houston at the big hospital.  At 17 she took an overdose, the church was breaking up for other reasons and he had promised to marry her.  I knew nothing until the OD and I went home and read personal notes under her bed.  I was fighting cancer, my dad was dying of cancer and this man prayed over him.  So, you will forgive me when I call it my mustard seed faith.  After Billy left I found I could pray to Jesus and talk to Billy at the same time.  I knew Jesus did not get jealous.  I find myself doing that again as my son is in the depths of depression, which is a family curse.  I might be thought of as having an "Alice in Wonderland" mentality, but it works for me.  Sometimes something good will happen and I will look at one of my, probably 50, crosses and will say "You did that, didn't you"  Nope, I am no more demented than I was at 15.  It works sometimes for me, and I need Billy's help now.  And, all this time my kids think they had perfect parents and I hear from them every day, never miss a day, and if  I need help they are there.  We weren't perfect, but we had a lot of love, and if they needed us we were there.  Sorry for the word salad, got a lot on an old woman's mind.

[Gwenivere]

Dee. won’t do AA and I can’t force her.   If she left I wouldn’t be able to be alone.  She does so much here.  I’ve explained this many times about agencies and time blocks they work in.  I don’t like being trapped, but I am for now.  I don’t want someone I don’t know living here.  It’s also very expensive.  

8 hours ago, Margm said:

Sorry for the word salad, got a lot on an old woman's mind.

I love the way you put that Marg.  We all have so much on our minds.  So many years of experience to process and learn fro.  We never stop as long as we breathe.   I hate when people look at us old people and think that.  And we have so much more to do.  Very serious issues now as we are in the lesser amount of time ahead of us.  I'm so happy for you that you’re kids are there and involved.  I’ve seen many peoples who are not.  
 

Today I get a call to set up time for assessment for a physical program with PT in it.   My doc says it won’t help me.  Not this kind of disability.  No chance of standing up more as the spine s too compromised.  Needs rods and would compromise bending.  I want the nurse and possibly OT.   Find out when I talk to them Friday. Rather have my housekeeper otherwise.  Nothing but paradise in the headlights.  😰

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Margm said:

My daughter was abused by our trusted youth director (who was married) from age 14 to 17.  We trusted him and his wife to help take care of her while I was in Houston at the big hospital.  At 17 she took an overdose, the church was breaking up for other reasons and he had promised to marry her.  I knew nothing until the OD and I went home and read personal notes under her bed.

There should be a hot bed in hell for people like him.  JMO.  I'm sure people are glad I'm not God.  But I think they will be surprised at what they have in store for them, it's horrible what was done to your young daughter, and mine too.  She was four when the babysitter had her BF and his friend over...and the "friend" raped her, and broke her doll's head off and told her that is what he'd do to her if she told...the whole time she was worrying about her baby brother, in his room sleeping.  Her XBF told me when she was grown, it was right before George died, I was researching counselors when he died...her dad refused to kick in $5 to help cover the cost.  He made double what I did, at least.  My sisters and I pooled together to cover the cost.  But it's affected her whole life, including her "picker."  She sold herself short when she could have been/done anything, my beautiful sweet very intelligent girl.

57 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

If she left I wouldn’t be able to be alone.

It's meetings once a week, no more than going to get groceries or doctor, an hour, that's it.

II shoveled 14" in 24 hours, now I have more to do.  100' to firewood, 50' up driveway (uphill), huge swath on/around car at top, also mailbox, and path to garbage can, both sets of front porch steps, I did have the gate done but now it's buried.  It is a lot.  I did some at Iris' too while waiting on the dogs to play.  I have a lot of energy, but no strength, it's way harder than four years ago before these injuries.  I feel 80 at times.  No end to the snow in the forecast.  May get a break Saturday.

Made a pot of soup but the cabbage didn't get done, only thing that changed was the lid I used...I loved my old one, can't get one like it.  It was domed and vented, I used it for my dutch oven and my 8" cast iron skillet.  Looked on eBay, nope.  Got it at Goodwill years ago.  Tried gluing it together but the glue melts over heat, no good.

57 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s also very expensive.  

I realize that.  I'm not suggesting that, I know your situation.  It's why I keep shoveling when people say "You should hire someone."  Ha!  They have a double income and I've done with one for nearly 18 years.  AND I'm saving up to replace the back of my carport if it doesn't fall down first.  It's getting harder, the growing old.

57 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

My doc says it won’t help me.

So why go through all that?  If they're pushing, push back.

 

[Margm]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I feel 80 at times

Yep, me too.  I'm sorry about your daughter.  People look at things now and wonder why we "didn't do something."  I talked to the head deacon.  He said "people are going to have to see that our Kelli is growing up."  Nothing against the man.  We didn't have "me too" in the early 80's.  We do now, and it could have been used.  A friend of mine was done this way by her father all her life.  No one knew.  She did and it almost destroyed her after she had had her kids.  Destroyed an innocent marriage.  Sometimes there seems to be too much "me too."  When you watch the movie "Spotlight" you realize it was not just women, and men are too embarrassed to talk about it.  Evil exists.   

[Margm]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee. won’t do AA and I can’t force her.   If she left I wouldn’t be able to be alone.

It has to be a personal choice or it won't work.  It is not magic and it is hard.  I think the meetings help because you realize other people are just like you.  They all struggle.  My sister had been in it so long that when Mama was sick she thought she would test it with one drink.  You can't test it, it grabs a hold and you have to start over with day 1.  

[Gwenivere]

Exactly.  First, I cant force her.  Second, even if I could, if she doesn’t want it, it’s wasted.  And she would resent me.  Last night she went over her usual limit and became the horridly cruel drunk. Getting on me about my nicotine addiction and how disgusting I am.  I don’t smoke, not one in 3 years, but the lozenges.  Damn, she’s back about if I'm using her.  I said no, but that means thinking she’s stupid.  I’m agreeing with everything she says to stop her attacks but you can’t when she’s like this.  She’s trying to run my life.  Telling me all the things I'm doing wrong.  Kinda ironic.

Some agency nurse coming right after I get up.  Within 15 minutes.  An assessment for my home health needs.  I can’t even think at that time so I don’t know ow this will go.  Dee is supposed to help.  This will mess up exercise, lunch and how we will make peace.  
 

Counseling* was by phone.  Jinny’s Zoom was messed up.  I really needed a friendly face.  Too much irony.  I don't know what I did to have all this happen.  Can there be this coincidence in one person’s life?  I want someone sane like Steve who can make me feel tis is worth it.

 

[kayc]

2 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

First, I cant force her.

Gee, and our gov't does it all the time!  I don't see any problem making it a contingency for her to stay there, her drama affects you!  But I also realize it's pretty hard to enforce if they are bucking and kicking.  Does that mean you have to put up with all her constant episodes?!  
I'm sorry.

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, she really needs to take a good look in the mirror. She's throwing stones at you to make up for her own failures. Don't let her brainwash you!