Check In

[kayc]

19 hours ago, kevin said:

KayC, tell me your secret on the weight loss...

I'm doing Keto.  I joined George's (iPraiseHim) Diabetic Group...he is a vast resource of information, much more intelligent than he admits to...he researches everything and passes along the information.  It is the easiest diet I've ever done.  Years ago I was on Prednisone and gained...then lost doing Prism Weight Loss.  Basically we avoid carbs, making sure to stay under 20 per day.  I eat meat, eggs, cheese, greens, non-starchy vegetables, berries.  He has all the scientific information about it, you can find the group on my FB account (I just started moderating) and join, you'll be amazed what you learn there!  I think he's lost like 170 lbs  or something, can't even imagine, he's been at it for three years.  I think it probably saved his life a while back when he was having medical issues.

[kayc]

@Polly  Hey, stranger! 

@Kieron  Your work is exquisite!

[Gwenivere]

Good to see you, Polly.  Nope, you’re not alone on the cooking thing.  I liked it when I had someone to eat with.  Now it’s just a chore for myself. I liked making menu plans for the week, Friday was take out, Saturday date dinner out and Sunday Steve’s night to BBQ.  Never leftovers (except holiday stuff) and rarely used the microwave.  I use, for example, the precooked pasta now when it was ritual for us both to have to drain the huge pasta cooker hat had a built in strainer.  It was all so very easy and bonding.  Didn’t realize it at the time.  I miss making him a quiche for his birthday and his omelette for mine.  Now food is fuel.  Every now and then I find something good, but I try to avoid cleanup because that is when we could continue talking.  Cleaning pans and loading the DW seemed like just continuing the conversation.  

[widow'15]

On 4/8/2020 at 1:29 PM, Gwenivere said:

Dee, how are you doing on the anniversary date?  Got kinda lost in the flurry, but I know not to you.   5 was huge for me.  Others mentioned that too.  I don’t bother trying to figure it out, just know the pain felt more increased than ever.  Like a backslide of years.  It’s so cruel we can’t hug people when, of all times, we really need it.  I don’t have anyone to hug, but I’m sure it’s so hard on you and Kay seeing your sons and not doing that.  Virtual hugs don’t cut it.  I’m glad I have the digs but it’s not the same either.  Nothing feels like arms around you.  The smell and he warmth.  Thinking of you today.

Gwen:  Thank you for your sweet thoughts.  Yes, 5 years without my husband was and continues to be difficult.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, I was kept busy on telephone calls and paperwork which kept my brain focused on bills and "stuff" instead of letting my heart lead my thinking process.   Today was more of the same.  

My cable and wifi service is being changed so have been working on changing service by phone, and online with little results.  Finally, tonight I went on Facebook and messaged the new company and maybe tomorrow I will be able to get this settled.  Wish the corporations would stop selling, reorganizing and changing our lives every other month.  Egads, enough is enough. 

Again, thanks for the kind thoughts.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

No ones checking in. Where’d you all go?

[widow'15]

5 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Where’d you all go?

Gwen:  I checked in briefly this morning and never got back until now.  Don't know if it's the Spring weather making me feel really sleepy and unable to focus on anything.  I did have a telephone call from a friend that checks in on me , she lives close by and was going to the grocery store and would pick up anything I needed.   Then had a few texts from my sister in law in Portland.  She was going in for a MRI today.  Her doctor thinks there is some nerve damage going on in one of her legs.  Hope this doesn't mean surgery.  She is a year younger than I and has always been so active.  Her partner is dealing with her health issues herself so worry about both of them. 

Now it's almost 8 pm and can't say I got little to nothing done today. 

Dee

[Gwenivere]

But!  We know you are there, Dee!   I don’t even know how to gauge what I do and don’t get done anymore.  The world is just too upside down to combine with grief.

[KarenK]

Heck, my big accomplishment each day is managing a few hours of sleep and fixing dinner for us.

I think I'll call and see if the dentist is open on Monday. Might as well see if I can get these 2 teeth fixed.

[Gwenivere]

I was watching the news about dental emergencies and it wa just that, emergencies only.  So many of the dentists donated their supplies to front liners.  Can you imagine how the hair dressers, manicure, opticians and so many places will be swamped?  

Are you in a lot of pain, Karen?   That sure qualifies.  I think you said you were.  Can you call today?  

As much as I hate to hear how we don’t get much done, it’s reassuring to me I’m not the only one.  And I didn’t even make a brownie cake! I did refill the snack jars with popcorn, rice cakes and raisins. Does that count?  Today I hope to get a to go sub for a couple of nights and Safeway is having a $5 special on Chinese meals.  It’s taking a chance going out, but I’m losng my sanity staying in too much.  

good luck on your teeth Karen!

[KarenK]

Yeah, I think anything that takes effort and concentration counts, Gwen.

Chinese sounds good. Haven't had any in a while.

My dentist is normally closed on Fri.  I'm not in bad pain, just discomfort. The missing filling tooth  is chewing up the bottom of my tongue and don't want to break any more off the broken one. Top and bottom on opposite sides and both are the anchor teeth for my dentures, wouldn't you know. It's harder than usual to eat, but that's not saying much.

Arizona has 528 zip codes and mine is # 4 for the number of virus cases, so I've only been as far as the mailbox in forever, it seems. That's mostly why I've been glued to the house and not bothered with my teeth, plus he might not even be open at his age. Of course we all know that statistics don't mean jack.

[kayc]

My dental appt has been put back several months so I'm glad I'm off sugar, still I hope this doesn't result in problems, I've always had a check up every six months.  

My BIL's kidneys are shutting down, his potassium is to high, he's tired all the time, I'm very worried about him.  He's the one who lives here with my sister who has dementia and COPD real bad.  She depends on him for everything.  June 1 is their 50th anniversary.  I am very upset about this news.  She doesn't understand enough to be upset.  She's not in reality.  She can't live alone.  I can't live with her and take care of her because of her smoking, it has made me very ill in the past and I just can't be around it.  I was very upset when she lit up in my car!  It brought on an allergic reaction that caused an ear infection and then I had a bad reaction to the medication, I was very sick for an entire month, that was two years ago in June.  Not liking life much right now, too much bad in it.

Karen, I hope you can be seen by the dentist.  My dermatologist canceled my appt to check for skin cancer, said they don't have PPE.  I hope the spot that concerns me isn't anything...

[Gin]

Not much good in this area.  I am feeling overwhelmed, as are so many of us.  My grandson had some epileptic seizures and fell and hurt his neck.  My brother had early dementia.  His wife of 61 years died a few months ago and he has regressed exponentially.  He does not want anyone coming to his house to check on him and certainly does not want to go to assisted living.   With this virus, this would not be a good time, anyway.  My son is in Mexico and thinks this is all a hoax.  He takes no precautions.   No wonder I do not sleep much.  I have not seen my daughters for 4-5 weeks.  They are both in health care and do not want to give me anything. A friend of mine from church died from the virus.    Hard to even force myself to get up in the morning.  I so miss Al and wish I could be locked down with him.   This is such a hard time for all of us!   Thankful for telephones, internet, grocery deliveries and all of you.  Gin

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

My BIL's kidneys are shutting down, his potassium is to high, he's tired all the time, I'm very worried about him.  He's the one who lives here with my sister who has dementia and COPD real bad.  She depends on him for everything.  June 1 is their 50th anniversary.  I am very upset about this news.  She doesn't understand enough to be upset.  She's not in reality.  She can't live alone.

kayc:  So sorry for your news.  This is quite troublesome for all of you.  Is your BIL's kidney issue due to diabetes or chronic kidney illness?  My knowledge of kidney issues is limited.  I immediately think dialysis when I hear "kidney problems".  When my daughter was 16 we learned she had only one functioning kidney.  She is now 51 and so far has managed to live with the one kidney functioning at a reduced capacity.  Hoping your BIL will be able to continue the best he can.

I agree, seems there is so much suffering all around anymore.  Good thoughts for your BIL and your sister.  Dee

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Gin said:

My son is in Mexico and thinks this is all a hoax.  He takes no precautions.   No wonder I do not sleep much.  I have not seen my daughters for 4-5 weeks.  They are both in health care and do not want to give me anything. A friend of mine from church died from the virus.    Hard to even force myself to get up in the morning.  I so miss Al and wish I could be locked down with him.   This is such a hard time for all of us!   Thankful for telephones, internet, grocery deliveries and all of you.

Gin:  It sounds like your plate is overfilled with worries;  your son's beliefs, not being able to see your two daughters, your brother's illness, your grandson,  and to lose a friend to this virus is too much to comprehend.  If only we could be locked down with our husbands the never ending fear we feel each morning when we open our eyes might be bearable.  Just to have someone to hold us when we're unable to sleep would lessen the pain.  Keeping you, and all of us in my thoughts.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Read Dr. Phil went on Fox.  I love this guy but this got me really had me wondering about him now.  Every time I have seen him he seems to have common sense and a good grasp of his field.  Anyway, in this article he told Fox that the mental fallout from this isolation is already harming people and will continue to do so.  I’m still with him on this.  But he got his statistics wrong comparing death tolls to it compared to driving, swimming, etc.  (Also, they aren’t contagious).  He went to say this has become paradoxical and should never been implemented.  That This will cause more deaths than the virus itself.  That people be allowed to come and go as they please going by their own judgement.  That is the case right now.  No one can stop you from going anywhere that is open.  (I did hear of one arrest of a woman who was positive and deliberately tying to infect people) It’s been proven that this self quarantine is working.  Much as we hate it.  I don’t have much of a life outside it anyway, but the way this has changed regular life around me and has had a huge impact. I know it has for everyone here.  Just the knowledge we are in danger changes how we think. 

Point being, it’s making we wonder if a lot of 'trusted' figures are being affected themselves.  Dr. Oz did much the same thing to having people up in arms for his license to be suspended.  Oprah haters are blaming her for launching their TV careers.  That’s just nuts.  At least the CDC and cooler heads have prevailed in updates.  All I know, for me, is that this IS proving to be more challenging than for many others by stirring up the intense grief, being alone as I face aging and serious physical problems and knowing things won’t get better going forward.  Feeling more unproductive as time goes by drags me down,  seeing all I used to do but can’t now is hard.  I’m not opposed to hiring help, I just wish Steve was here as I don’t do strangers well anymore.  A fallout of some sort with him gone.  It wasn’t a problem before.  My new world doesn’t include people as it did so now it’s uncomfortable.  Only 2 select people and they haven’t been accessable with this home stay.  This is a definite curse of grief.  One without human contact will never be without a fight every day to keep going.

 

[KarenK]

I guess I never paid much attention to Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, or Oprah. I put them in the same bucket as Jerry Springer and closed the lid. Now there were some crazy people!

Just read some sad news. Former  Az governor Jane Hill and her husband Terry both died today within hours of each other, supposedly natural causes. I knew a few of the governors and legislators over the years through my mother who was secretary to a few. Never met Jane Hull, but her husband was my gynecologist for a few years. He seemed like a nice man. I guess it's nice to think that neither will be left behind alone.

Gin, I'm so sorry everything is hitting at once and Kay, your poor BIL. I know how worried you must be for your sister. Although we are all here together for one another, we are still so alone.

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

I guess it's nice to think that neither will be left behind alone.

Karen:  Have often thought too bad we aren't given the choice to go with our husband (or wife),  instead of being the one left alone.  Crazy thought.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Not crazy at all, Dee.  I want to be with Steve every day.  Or if that is not what happens, I tire of being alone in this life. It didn’t take a pandemic to show me that, but it has sure driven it home.

[kayc]

Gin, your plate is MORE than full!  I am so sorry, I have been worried about my daughter, sister, BIL, but you have so many to worry about.  I pray we all get through this no worse for the wear.  As it is, it's wreaking havoc on me mentally.

Dee, thank you for your caring thoughts.  His potassium is high, just discovered this, yes he has Diabetes.  I wish my sister cooked low carb but she's stubborn.  She never was in reality but now with dementia it's worse.

Gwen, I love Dr. Phil, like his philosophy, etc, he seems down to earth with a good head on his shoulders.  I hadn't heard any of this as he's had nothing but COVID-19 on the last 5 weeks and I do not need to saturate myself with too much of this stuff so I haven't been watching him.  It's on his show, Inside Edition, the news, the newspaper, I'm sick of it, I don't need more fear infiltrating my life!  Funny, he told us to protect ourselves from over-saturation yet that's exactly what he's doing to us every day with his show!

Karen, I'm sorry to hear about your former Dr & governor dying but like you said, they are spared having to go through what we are going through, trying to make your way through grief and your severely altered life...alone.

[scba]

Check-in in. I'm in good health but dealing with a lot of mental stress because I'mm not dealing very well with the home office stuff. I have been isolated from the world for a year after my boyfriend died, so I'm kind of re living and re shaping the experience. It doesn't affect me AS THAT. Perhaps I became very good at survival tactics. Perhaps I'm very good at adapting to constant change. 

Somedays are fine, others I'm anxious. I stay at home as much as I can and I buy groceries online. I miss having a cup of coffee in a bar. I miss my groceries shops. 

I don't watch the news. I have no idea what is going on in other countries. But I spend a lot of time on my phone, my neck hurts in the evening. 

It feels safe here to make a confession: I don't want to wear a mask. Not even the home made ones. I was wearing one when my boyfriend was dying. I have had some PTSD events. If I put a mask, I will break. I don't want to break the law so in the event of going out I go with a scarf arranged in a way in which I look as someone from Discovery Channel. I look like crazy, but I'm crazy. This is However, if nobody is around while I walk I take off the scarf. The wanting to feel free and breath fresh air is stronger. 

This is a very challenging time. 

Stay all well and safe

Ana

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, scba said:

. I have been isolated from the world for a year after my boyfriend died, so I'm kind of re living and re shaping the experience. It doesn't affect me AS THAT. Perhaps I became very good at survival tactics. Perhaps I'm very good at adapting to constant change. 

It feels safe here to make a confession: I don't want to wear a mask. Not even the home made ones. I was wearing one when my boyfriend was dying. I have had some PTSD events. If I put a mask, I will break. I don't want to break the law so in the event of going out I go with a scarf arranged in a way in which I look as someone from Discovery Channel. I look like crazy, but I'm crazy. This is However, if nobody is around while I walk I take off the scarf. The wanting to feel free and breath fresh air is stronger. 

I’m so glad you checked in, Ana.  I try to avoid news too.  The whole world is adapting to this change and it’s pretty much the same everywhere.  

 I hadn’t really thought of it, but I have been isolating as well since Steve died.  I still did things at the nursing home, took the dogs to the park, shopped and kept med appointments.  But I wasn’t really me anymore.  Just the half tha was left. I couldn’t give my all and wanted to get home where I could be the broken me as it took so much energy.  I started to notice just how tired I’d be for the rest of the day.  I stopped playing with the dogs much, meals became chores little things seemed monumental.  It snuck up on me as the first 2 years was the typical crying and screaming, yet I functioned.  5 years later, I’m out of steam.  I now know this is forever with no goal that gives life meaning.  It dismays me that this pandemic is training me to be a more perfect isolationist.  Isolationists are far more susceptible to illness both physical and mental and I already know mentally I’m walking a very thin edge.  I look back on the past few years and see no one really ever came over much.  My phone calls turned into medical or crisis from catching up and regular chit chat.  I’m sitting here now wondering what to do with another day and the many ahead.  I read about the others locked in and all the plans they want to get back to and see if we were virus free tomorrow it wouldn’t change much of anythIng for me.  I lost spontaneity when I lost Steve.  People talk about 'color' coming back time passes.  Not for me.  Going into my 6th year I wonder how long I can play the 'widow' card.  I know that is how many see it when they find out how long it’s been that haven’t experienced this.  I bounce between it was like yesterday to it’s been so long I’m surprised I’m even trying anymore.  Hearing how others have found some contentment fills me with envy.  I’ve tried so many things.  I want to be left alone yet I don’t.  I abhor suggestions as they abound and I have thought of them myself.  I know myself enough to know outcomes of forcing myself into things.  I did a lot more social things when Steve and I were separated for 2 years. Big difference, he was alive and we would talk.  I think outsiders look at this as some kind of divorce.  I see many ex’s still in contact.  And they move forward because the ending was what they wanted, not a choice.

i don’t wear masks either unless forced to.  Like in the ER.  I feel suffocated and it adds to the stress.  It’s not protecting me from others,   I’m protecting them from me.  I don’t mean to sound heartless.  Of course I would hate to make someone sick.  It adds to the isolation beyond the practical in my head.  It’s bad enough we can’t touch each other.  Now we can’t even see each other.  Are they smiling or not?  I’m still trying to adjust to many not even looking each other in the eye.  Noticed I don’t do that much myself.  My mind is flooded with the images of health care workers in protection garb, both first hand and on the news that I try and avoid.  I try and catch the weather amid it all.  Occasionally a brush fire will start and I’m giddy that it is something unrelated.  I’m resisting masks so I confess with you, Ana.  

I had plans to go to the $ store today, but looking in my pantry it seems I have overdone that.  Can’t volunteer.  I hate watching TV during the day.  It’s been 'suggested' I learn meditation.  I’ve tried, but not enough and I wonder in this venue if I could with the added anxiety that comes with having the disorder as well.  Drives are becoming less stress reducing seeing the emptiness out there.  Rather a good reflection of how I feel inside. Can’t concentrate to read but I should try that beyond magazines.  

If you got this far in this post, I’m sorry it’s just another whine I normally would have posted in the venting topic I started for this.  Ana made some good points so the fingers took over and I couldn’t quote her there.  I know everyone here is struggling in many ways.  Either you’re good at dealing with it or have someone to talk to.  You’re it for me guys!  I love you all for it too. 

 

,

[scba]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I hadn’t really thought of it, but I have been isolating as well since Steve died.  I still did things at the nursing home, took the dogs to the park, shopped and kept med appointments.  But I wasn’t really me anymore.  Just the half tha was left. I couldn’t give my all and wanted to get home where I could be the broken me as it took so much energy.  I started to notice just how tired I’d be for the rest of the day.  I stopped playing with the dogs much, meals became chores little things seemed monumental.  It snuck up on me as the first 2 years was the typical crying and screaming, yet I functioned.  5 years later, I’m out of steam.  I now know this is forever with no goal that gives life meaning.  It dismays me that this pandemic is training me to be a more perfect isolationist.  

,

I felt the same for the first 3 years. I totally understand.

I'm not good at meditation, but contrary to my previous beliefs yoga has been a tremendous help to relax. I practice 20 minutes each day. I reached to yoga because I was struggling with grief, physically and emotionally. I couldn't go to gym, couldn't practice sports because I had to team up with someone and I wanted to be left alone. My body was tired all the time. Yoga softens whatever is going around in my body and in my mind. I follow a yoga YouTuber so it's free practice. 

I love to read magazines. I was an avid book reader but I can't do that anymore. It is a good substitute. 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I’d love to do yoga but physically can’t.  I know I frustrate many with good suggestions, but I’m not making it up to dodge things.  I was out today after posting and my right leg went 'dead'.  It was scary and has happened before.  Afraid it would just give out.  I was walking like I was drunk.  Part of the back compression or neurological.  

Im glad you have that, Ana.  Books are tough, I do the magazine route too.  Going to try a novel tho.  It would be great to have that back, good exercise for the brain.  

Hope we hear more from you.  Have missed you.  💖

[kayc]

For ten years I couldn't focus to read books for enjoyment.  During the storm last year I read several books, nothing else I could do, I was trapped.  I haven't read one since except one my sister gave me "Dancing in the Rain" in a dog's narration.  I think she thought it would help my loss, it didn't.  I still have to read the last chapter.

Try not to listen to world news, can't handle it, can only try to get through today and what immediately concerns me.  No sense worrying about what I can't change and taking on the whole world is too much.  I try to only learn about COVID-19 in my county, and don't want to over-saturate.  The newspaper is full of bad news, it's depressing.

Ana, good to hear from you.  I don't blame you on the mask and as long as your nose/mouth is covered when you're in public you should be okay.  As okay as any of us are.  

Gwen, I'm afraid if I tried Yoga I'd bend like a pretzel and get stuck that way.  I walk and am grateful to do that.  Got my burn pile done yesterday.  I don't accomplish much other than ordinary chores, walking dogs, cooking/dishes.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve got to stop checking Huffington Post when I get up.  It’s such a habit I got into when Obama was running for president.  every article now, it seems, is tied to this virus.  I’d like to say there must be other things going on, and there are, they just don’t command the attention.   The virus has also diminished stuff with people so locked away.