1st B-day Without Mom

[shubom]

It's been about 6 months since I came home from work and found my mom on the couch. I can't believe she's gone. Taken so suddenly! I miss her so much!

My 30th B-day is coming up next month, and I can't bare it. Thinking about it, makes me want to throw up. The memories.... I remember my mom would spend the whole day telling stories about her pregnancy with me and the day I was born. I use to love to hear those stories. They were pleasant...... and now I can't hear them anymore.....

My Dads gone.....now my Mom.....this is sickening.

I'm turning 30 and they are not here for the most important milestone in my life!

At first I wasn't going to do anything for my B-day. I wanted to go to the gravesite and sit doing absolutely nothing.

But then it occurred to me, maybe I should have a get-together/party, and pay tribute to them, and what they've done for me.

I thought about putting together a slide show with pictures of me and them from childbirth till now. I wanted to cook my mother's favorite dishes that she'd make for us and also have it at our house where she passed. That way it would seem like she's a part of my special day.

For the past week, I've been planning, but now I'm starting to feel anxiety.......I just don't know how I'll make it through..............

How did you deal with your 1st B-day without your parent/loved one?

[LoriW]

shubom,

I know how you are feeling. My Mom has been gone 7 months tomorrow and my birthday hit 3 months after her death. I turned 40. However, I did have a nice day...it was the anticipation of a really cruddy day that made the days and weeks leading up to it so anxiety ridden.

I cried for me. She was always the one to call me FIRST. That call never came...but, I relived in my mind so many special birthdays with my Mom. What she did for me on those days...the phone calls...the favorite meals...cakes...parties, and it made me smile because I knew in my heart that I had a love from her that time is never going to take away from me.

I will be thinking of you in the coming weeks and hope you are able to feel "okay" about your day. I too and dealing with some anxiety over my Mom's upcoming birthday in a week....the first we will not share either by phone call or get together.

Lori

[Paul S]

My birthday was 2 1/2 months after Mom's death. I never cared all that much for my b-day, so on that angle it was no big deal.

Still, no card, no hug, no smooch on the cheek. No cake or anything. No beaming smile while she sang "Happy Birthday".

Instead I found out be reading the classifieds that her house (my home) was up for sale.

I dealt with it be making darn sure that I went to a face-to-face grief counseling session that had been already scheduled.

I went to her gravesite and talked to her.

Shubom: I think you're idea for your birthday is a fantastic one. The anxiety is natural, it'll go away. Its your 30th, and your Mom's not there and you're taking over from what she used to do. Just focus on planning, get help if needed and I wish I could come.

[kellymarie]

Shubom,

I feel your pain and confusion. Although I have not suffered the lost of my mom or dad (thank goodness, I don't know how I'd survive), my 27th birthday was two days after Josh's funeral. Birthdays for me were always a time of ultimate happiness. This year, to me, marks the end of innocence. My birthday will never be the same; it will always be in the shadow of Josh's death. But.... fortunately, my counselor (I saw her two days before the funeral) recommended that I actually plan something myself for my birthday. And I am so glad that I did do something for my birthday. I didn't go to work (heck I hadn't been for that past week), spent two hours talking to Josh's mom, and then had dinner with a few close friends. Also, just a few weeks ago, we had an end of the year banquet at work. We usually put together a slide show of pictures from the past year. I decided to submit pictures of Josh and I. I was so nervous the ENTIRE week before; how would I react to pictures of Josh and I on a huge screen in front of EVERYONE in my department? I was sure I would cry and have meltdown. And, to my great surprise, I was SO SO happy to see pictures of Josh that night. It gave me a great excuse to talk to everyone about him. Everyone thought I would be upset; they all asked "Did you know those pictures of Josh would be in the slide show?" I replied with, "Of course, I ASKED for them to be there." Then I explained to everyone, just because he died doesn't mean he's gone. And since he couldn't be here tonight for the banquet (he was there the year before, in flesh and blood), he WAS here with us tonight. So all that was to say, I am so glad I decided to both do something for my birthday and, on another important occasion, include Josh. So having a dinner on your birthday and including your mom sounds wonderful. That way she will be there with you. Cooking her dish, at your house, and showing pictures of her will ensure that she will be with you for your special day; a wonderful part of her and your dad lives on in you. And it makes sense that you're anxious, nervous, and scared how the actual day will play out. We're not sure how we'll react. I was sure I was going to cry. But somehow, you've survived this long, and we all have faith in you that you will survive your birthday too. I think you've made a huge step by choosing to celebrate the day your mom brought you to life. Just think, "What would she want for me on this day?"

(I just remembered that my initial reaction to the end of the year banquet was similiar to your initial reaction to your upcoming birthday. I thought I just shouldn't go because last year we went together. Like your thoughts about how your mom used to celebrate your birthday by telling wonderful stories of baby you. But I decided to go anyways like you've decided to "go" anyways to your birthday. I know we're different people but I survived it. If that's even the tiniest shred of hope.... also by airing your fears and anxiety here, you've lessened their power!)

[tattoodlb]

HI..

My first birthday without my mom was rough; she also died quite suddenly, however that was self-inflicted. It seems that it still hurts that she is not here sharing all of my accomplishments as she was always proud of me and she wanted great things for my future...unfortunately, as fate would have it, she is not going to be a part of my future in person, but I do think she is proud of me still as I feel her in my heart.

Celebrating your birthday in your way by remembering your mom and all that she gave to you is awesome, it shows that she succeeded in raising a wonderful person and she is proud of you even if she is not here in person; I'm sure you will feel it in your heart as well. Never discount what you feel about your mom (or dad) once they have passed away; they are still with you even if you can't see them. Especially if you dream about them..it is true; they want to communicate with you and when you dream it is then that they do. Good luck in celebrating your birthday and you will find peace in knowing that your mom will be there, even if you can't see her; she lives in you and always will.

[shubom]

Thanks Everyone for all your support and encouragement to carry on this "Celebration of My Life" Birthday Party. Your invited.....you know.....you just have to find your way out here ! LOL

Thanks tattoodlb, I agree. I feel my parents are still with me, in my heart, and I will definitely bring that out at the party with the slideshow and the cooking, etc.

I was going through my old photo albums to create a slideshow. It was very hard seeing the changes our family has taken. It's sad. There's pictures of me as a little girl, and I just think how sad that little girl lost her mom and dad. I also see younger photos of my mom, and it makes me sick to see how she aged quickly when my dad passed. There are some good pictures that make me smile. Like my high school and college graduation. My parents were so happy back then. I also think about how great it is to see how they raised me, and how I turned out.

It's definitely a Celebration of Life - this Birthday.

Thanks KelleyMarie for your encouragement on the slide show. Your story about your dear Josh and the photo you submitted to the slideshow brings tears to my eyes. I'm sorry for your loss. That had to be really difficult. But I'm glad you did it anyways. Josh would have loved that. I will definitely try my best to do the same.

Lori, I understand what you are going through. My mom had planned a dinner on her birthday and then she passed away about 3 weeks before. It was horrible. We had a b-day party in her honour anyways, and it was not so bad. It was hard at first hearing people say, "So...I heard your mom is having a b-day party". It would flip me out, until I realized, oh ya she's gone. It was sad, but I'm glad we did it.

Yes, Birthdays... Holidays, all that is hard without your loved ones. It just feels like it sucks so bad for me. My father had just passed 6 years ago, and now my mother? It's like we barely started getting our lives back on track and having normal Holidays. My mom and sibbling, and I opened our home to other friends and individuals who didn't have family in town. We invited them over for Christmas and thanksgiving and BBQs. They loved it and it made us feel good and we as a family felt whole again. And now what?! My mom dies. Now we have to come up with other traditions to stay sane during the holidays. It's ridiculous.

I'm very sad, but I'm going to try my best to carry out this Birthday Party as best I can. It's my 30th ! And it means a lot to me to dedicate it to my parents. They made me who I am today.

Thanks all for listening.

[shell]

Shubom,

It's good to see you on the board again. Glad you are doing ok. I think your party will turn out wonderful, maybe bittersweet, but wonderful. Happy 30th!

Hugs,

Shell

[FUNNYFACE]

I too had my first birthday on 7/11 since my mother died...It was so strange because the first thing I thought of when I woke up that day was her. Without her I wouldn't be here....what a funny thought...I am 57 now and have had many birthdays. Some far away and she couldn't be near to celebrate or call or what ever but this was different. I guess all FIRSTS are gonna be different.

I had given her a dressed up Teddy Bear that sang a song about how much I loved her and even though I wasn't there I still loved her....well...this song just kept running though my mind....no matter what I did it was there....watching TV, listening to music, everywhere. We played it for her as she was dying as well as spraying her favorite lavender sent in the air....(hard to swell that right now)(haven't played the bear again)

I would like to think that the reason that song kept playing over and over again in my head was that she wanted me to know that she was here....that she loved me. I raise Afrian violets and I have about 10...but one is gigantic....I named it Alice after my mother....well...it started blooming the day she died and has not stopped blooming....she died Sept 2005. Usually violets do not keep blooming like that......strange....that to makes me feel she is telling me she is still around for me...

I am doing so much better and want to let you all know that you will have your ups and downs....mostly downs for a while, but there is hope....

Love+Hugs to all

Funnyface

[shell]

Funnyface,

Wow, that is really something about your African Violet! I'm sure it is definitely your moms "influence" that keeps it blooming. How wonderful.

Hugs,

Shell

[Whiteswan]

Shubom: The first anything is really hard. My Mom passed on April 2, 2006 and my son and I had to do the first Easter without her very shortly after. A "friend" (same one I have recently made a post about overstepping my boundaries this week) said a week prior to Easter that she and her daughter would come over with a meal for them and us so we could have Easter together. On Easter day she called in the late afternoon and said she just HAD to get her income tax done (not even due until April 30th and Easter was April 16th) and was sending her daughter and her daughter's friend over with the meal for my son and I to eat alone! So, we could have made plans with others who would have been here for us but because she said she'd be here we told others that we already had plans! So Easter was hard to say the least! Then it was the first Mother's Day without my Mom on May 14th and my 46th birthday was May 12th so it was all in the same weekend! It was a really rough weekend and the fact that she died on a Sunday and Mother's Day was a Sunday really complicated the matter for me. At least others were good to us on those days -ie- my sister gave my son money to get me Mother's Day gifts and birthday gifts from him to me (also money to take me out to eat). My cousin took him out to shop for both events too so I got double the gifts. We didn't celebrate with a special dinner as an extended family though as I think everyone was just too exhausted to even try that but at least everyone made sure I had my own Mother's Day and birthday from my son. BUT it wasn't the same without my Mom here and it was a really rough time emotionally . All I can say is you will get through it -- I did so you can too. Just let the feelings come , cry, scream, whatever you need to do. Try to surround yourself with positive people (and eliminate the ones who think they have more important things to do like their income tax) and it is another time you will survive even if that's all it feels like -- surviving. My love and thoughts are with you on your upcoming birthday.

[white butterfly]

My Mom passed away last month and I had my first birthday without her 3 1/2 weeks later. Ironically I wasn't home for it because we were out of state having her cremains buried in my Dad's grave. I'm glad I wasn't home. Even in her 80's, my Mom still cooked me a special meal and baked me Black Forest cake for my birthday. I dreaded the idea of not celebrating with her. When we got home, my teenage kids baked me a Black forest cake because Grandma always did. I think that we'll keep her memory alive by keeping up as many of her traditions as possible.

[shell]

White Butterfly,

I sometimes think ignoring certain holidays or celebrations is the easiest way to get through them. That was really sweet of your kids. And keeping traditions alive is a wonderful way to honor our lost loved ones. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I had my first birthday without mom and dad this year and I too thought it would be horrible but it actually was better than I thought... My mom died in April of 2005 so it was ten months after her death that my birthday took place I turned forty one.. My dad died in August of 2005 so it was six months before I turned forty one... I moved from my parents house after their deaths and moved in with a sister and her family and that is probably the only reason my birthday did turn out better than I thought.... Take care All and God Bless You All Shelley

[Leann]

Hi, everybody...

This is a point I haven't crossed yet, so I appreciate reading everyone's ideas. My Dad's birthday is November 1st and mine is November 10th, and we always celebrated together. This year he isn't here and I'm dreading it...so this is good (I can get some ideas of how to celebrate in mind before it comes upon me). A friend of mine gave me a "Circle of Life" necklace with November's birthstone inside it. I was truly touched. It reminds me that my Dad is still with me.

Hugs,

Leann

[shell]

Leann,

What a wonderful gift!

Hugs,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Leeann,

How nice is that to receive such a wonderful gift and from someone who really cares for you... Take care Shelley

[Haley]

To All:

Its me Haley and I also am in the same boat as you all are and it does hurt like crazy. I would be so much happier if I did not have to celebrate holidays either anymore. See in my matter is like this. My MOM left me April 9th and her birthday is April 11th and than Easter was the April 16th my Grandmother moved 2 weeks later and than Mothers day and than my Sister moved away and than now it was my kids birthdays June, July August and mine was August 16th and Billy's (the guy I am seeing) dad passed away August 10th and had the funeral August 15th. Now please tell me somebody when does the pain stop when is it time to smile again How do you go on and a shoulder to cry on I think everyday on what I use to do my MOM for my birthday would call up the radio station and wish me a happy birthday and than call me up and sing happy birthday to me in her crazy voice and the smile would slide across my face and now nothing really nothing my sisters called but I am still waiting on my MOM. Once again it goes back to WHY.

I hope we all can get through this time and trials together and give that shoulder to lean on and have each other.

My heart goes out to all of us I am willing to help any of us that need it we all need to keep our heads held high and keep going forward.

Thanks

Haley

[shell]

Shelley,

It is so hard to get through those things. I know that my mom and brother and I have kept holidays, birthdays, etc. very low-key. That has helped a little. Someday we will be able to celebrate in a "bigger" way, but for now, I guess we just have to try to slide over them as best as we can.

Hang in there, and a big hug,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

It is me Starkiss again, I wanted to write this post because I find myself repeating the same story over and over again... I just find myself on a merry go round turning round and round, and that is how I find me writing these posts I just keep saying the same thing... I can not seem to stop... I hope that people do not get affended with it because I am trying to stop but right now I just can't... Sorry about this Take care All and Have a good day... Shelley

[amanda]

hi shelley,dont worry about repeating yourself,post whatever you need to if it helps do it,i dont think anyone will be offended.

that is what this forum is all about doing things that help like sharing how we are feeling.

my mum died 1 month after yours and i keep talking to everyone about her and my loss,it has taken me along time to be able to but now i cant stop.

SO DONT WORRY.

all my love

amanda

[STARKISS]

Hi Amanda,

I really appreciate your post and I am sorry for your loss, Please email me if you need someone to listen.... I will pray for you take care Shelley

[lorikelly]

LeeAnn

where did your friend get the circle of life necklace? if you know could you pls let me know. thnaks lori

[STARKISS]

Hi Leeann,

Can you please let me know as well, I think it is a neat thing and would love to know where she got it. Take care Shelley

[shell]

Shelley,

Don't worry about repeating yourself...we all do it! It's therapeutic in a way!

Hugs,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I just wanted to write to all of you, and thank you for all your encouraging words... I know that with everyone going through similar problems it is so nice to have people able to talk too. Thanks again and Take care Shelley