Relationship ended due to that she lost her father

[BaxterBurg]

But yeah, if you view the universe has working by a plan, than this is a good way to look at it. Just for me though, I find it dangerous, because you may not take charge to change your fate if you feel its not in your hands. However, things thatare truly out of your hands you should never worry about, and how you see it is perfect. There's no point getting worked up about things you can't change, it only brings you down.

[BaxterBurg]

9 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I didnt regret trying to work out the relationship for 3 months because now I have no regrets

I agree with this. You shouldn't regret it.

[CommanderCody]

Thank you for your insight, Baxter. I agree with one thing on you and Kay C have stated:

9 minutes ago, BaxterBurg said:

I find it dangerous, because you may not take charge to change your fate if you feel its not in your hands.

Relying too much on the universe could be an excuse for people to don't care anything at all because it is " written " I do agree it should be balanced. But I somehow believe that the universe has already a plan and we should still be wise in our actions because  how we treat other people and how we interact with the world,  really depends on us. 

[BaxterBurg]

There's definitely a lot of ways to look at, and that sounds like a good way to see it. 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

One of the thoughts that keep me sane right now is thinking that I have served my purpose in her life and since we're not talking anymore, it's pretty clear that I don't have anything else to serve or fulfill my duty to her life and vice versa. 

In your own opinion, if I hadn't let go after we havent talked for 9 days, what would I or we be now? 

There are some situations and OTHER people's choices that dictate outcomes, I think that is the case with your situation.  I don't think your devotion or your letting go affected the outcome in this situation so much as HER choices/way of handling her grief & relationship.  Sometimes our hands are tied and all we can do is recognize that and do what we can to help our healing.  To have false hope and continue with that will not help our situation any.
 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Good way to look at it Cody. I agree more with Kayc about finding the balance. Being too fatalistic can mean you miss out when fortune presents itself, but in some cases--such as ours--I don't think there was anything we could have done/changed. Even if we could have done something different, it doesn't change the now. We did what we thought was right in the moment. Now, we have to work with our current situations--not live in what if's, or what could have been. Both only exist in our imaginations--even our memories are not completety accurate and only exist in our mind. And at the end of the day, as Kayc has always said, someone who drops us when things get tough is not someone we can trust to form a relationship with. And in my case, someone who isn't communicative will fail at any relationship. Everyone in my life has repeated this same thing to me. In that sense, our fate was pre determined. We did what we thought was right, they did what they thought was right; it would never have worked. 

Not sure if this makes sense, but here's my general thoughts. Its cliche but, when one door closes another opens. And there's no point worrying your present self with what if's, it only brings you down and doesn't change the present. We gotta work with our situation now. If fortune presents uswith someone new, we can't be letting this situation bring us down to the point that we miss it. In short: don't think about the past or present; live in the now, work with the situation at hand. It'sthe only way to be happy.

I so wholeheartedly agree with this entire post!

[kayc]

16 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

But yeah, if you view the universe has working by a plan, than this is a good way to look at it. Just for me though, I find it dangerous, because you may not take charge to change your fate if you feel its not in your hands. However, things thatare truly out of your hands you should never worry about, and how you see it is perfect. There's no point getting worked up about things you can't change, it only brings you down.

Agreed!

[CommanderCody]

Hello to all. I believe it's already the right time to update my forum. 

It has been almost close to 5 months since I've last posted here and since then I have begun my healing journey. 

At the early stages of my healing journey it was not easy for me; if you can recall I have been watching Youtube videos then about " letting go or how to let go" but that only helped to a minimal account. A few days after I have last posted on my forum I have considered talking to a therapist about my situation - I did reach out to many firms. Honestly, I was crying when I was dialing their numbers because I couldn't believe that I would need the help of a professional for this matter. Unfortunately, I haven't been successful in talking to a therapist so I had to handle my grieving myself. I also lay-lowed for a month in social media, it was the only solution I had in mind to help me heal deeply. 

Early days of February I had joined a volunteering organization and I had been involved in a business workshop. I was trying my best to improve every single day, taking my healing progress one day at a time. I haven't cried too much in February but the pain and stings are still there but it lessens every single day. It was hard for me to go through Valentine's because I knew that if we were still a couple we would celebrate it together. I had joined a new gym by February, I met a lot of people, and got me excited because I was in a new environment - a better one. I have been hanging out with a friend and it surely helped a lot in my progress. I couldn't stand inside our house and somehow I have to go out so I wouldn't be overwhelmed by my thoughts about my past. 

By the time March came by, I knew to myself that I have been healing on a great amount - I can feel that there aren't that many stings like how it used to hurt me. Weirdly enough my gut told me that somehow I was ready to see an old video of ours so when I did take a look at it, I was amazed that I didn't feel the need to cry, be nostalgic about the past, or just be sad. I was watching a video of us plain and simple - and I have confirmed it then that I have healed, but I haven't moved on yet. 

When April came, I got in contact with my ex's nieces and we had a live jamming session on stream. I was happy enough to know that they aren't being awkward or weird around me even though they know that my ex and I split up (I'm assuming they know because they're both girls). Around mid-April, I teared up again after 9 weeks that I haven't cried. I teared up because my chest was overwhelming with feelings about my past and somehow I had to release it. What helped me during that time was that I took a therapy drive around my city, honestly, I didn't expect that therapy drives were that effective but I was so amazed it helped me! I was driving during traffic but the traffic didn't bother me, all I care about was the time I'm having alone, listening to some music, and reflecting on my past. The following day after my therapy drive I talked to my father about my feelings and he advised me about it. Since then I felt so good every single day, I still think of my ex for some time but it lessens and lessens as each day passes. 

6 months ago I was in a shattered and dark place, I was so heartbroken that I thought I would never be able to bounce back from it but 6 months later here I am, I have improved a lot. I can see clearly as daylight why walking away on my ex was the right thing to do then - it wasn't selfish for me to just walk out of her life. I did it to protect my inner-self and that took guts for me. I could proudly say that I never looked back after walking away. 

And as of this moment, I could say that I have hugely healed; the memories of my past doesn't haunt me anymore like how it used to, the sweet moments that happened doesn't affect my daily activities, whenever I would think of a memory of us I would just smirk it off now. I don't know if I have already moved on - I don't want to declare it. My mind will know if I already did. 

Honestly what I can say about my healing process is that I'm so proud of myself for how I handled it: I didn't try to sleep with anyone to fill the void inside me, I took my time in healing, I joined workshops and a volunteering organization, I had been socializing more, I have been focused on my craft and kept improving on it, I have been traveling and hiking, I have spent my time with my closest friends, and many more. I have been more kind to people now and to myself. It's funny when I would read back on the things I said 7 months ago in my forum, I didn't know then that I would get past that dark phase of my life last year. No contact works very well. 

I would like to thank the following persons for being with me through this journey @BaxterBurg @GulfP they have been with me at the start and they are one of the biggest reasons that I have healed greatly. Being able to share my story with them and vice versa has helped me realize that there aren't many things we could have done to make the relationship work and I slowly accepted that. 

I also want to apologize to @kayc and @MartyT for not following your advice as early as I should have. I can see now that your advice is logical and they came from experience. You were just trying to protect every one of the people who are going through this grief of losing a relationship from further pain. I also want to thank you for the bits of advice that you have given me - I will forever be grateful for this site and how it helped me move on from my most difficult heartbreak so far in my life. 

To anyone going through this difficult and devastating situation, I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to go through it at your own pace. 

Peace out. 

[MartyT]

My thanks to you for sharing your thoughts with us, my friend ~ and I wish you all the best as you continue to grow. ❤️

[kayc]

No apologies needed!  This is a PROCESS and as such, sometimes it takes people time to come to their conclusions and realize these things for themselves.  I WISH we could avoid them more pain, but people have their own choice and own journeys.  We can't "make" anyone realize anything, unfortunately they have to experience it for themselves.  Still, I warn.

I'm so glad to hear how you've been doing and the healing you've been doing.  I wish you all the best going forward!

[GulfP]

I am extremely proud of you Cody, you have healed an enormous amount since I first got in touch with you. I am also very thankful for you and @BaxterBurg, I would be in a much darker place right now if it wasn't for you two!

And also extremely thankful for @MartyT and @kayc and their top-notch advise! I chose not to follow their advises early on because I knew that they meant to not act on any hope. It was only after I took their advise and started NC that I started healing non-stop, thank you both so much for taking the time to provide some clarity and guidance to those of us who needed it. There is a special place in my heart just for you two.

[CommanderCody]

Hello once again to all of you, I'm writing in my forum because I want to seek a bit of advice from @kayc and @MartyT

I haven't shared this story in my forum but last month I saw on my Facebook feed a post of my ex's sister looking for someone willing to donate blood for her husband. The husband was confined in the hospital because he had a heart attack. I did the only thing I know was right - to help her by sharing her post and also looking for someone whose blood type is they are searching for. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find one so I gave my ex's sister a message and said " Hi, Ivy. I'm sending my thoughts and prayers to your husband and your family. God bless" which she replied with " Thank you so much, Emman! Your concern and prayers are very much appreciated" and I didn't reply after that. 

I felt sad for their family because last year they went through the same thing with their father, and last month, a year after, the sister's husband was also confined in the hospital - that's why I decided to help them. I didn't regret it. 

Anyhow, a week ago, I started my own Mexican food business with my buddy and I have been posting all over my social media about it, promoting it, posting a tagged photo of us of our food, etc. My ex's sister has been seeing it btw as we still follow each other on IG and FB. 

To my surprise, earlier today I got a message on IG from my ex's sister asking me if her family could order from us for the weekend (and of course I said yes) which I gave them the menu and order details. Following that, she told me that they would like it to be delivered to their house because my ex and her family are coming on the weekend. We talked a little bit about her orders (she told me to bring them around afternoon for their dinner) after that and the conversation ended.

Now, I don't know if the sister knows that the food will be delivered to their house via a delivery app or not, but I have already decided that I'm going to be the one to bring it to their home. I know I have hugely healed from my heartbreak, I even have moved on already - but I want to do this, I know I can face them now. There's no hidden agenda behind my decision, I'm not going to ask her back in a relationship with me. I'm just going to casually deliver it and thank them for the orders. I have also noticed to myself that I can control my thoughts and emotions better now - earlier my mind was already fantasizing when I deliver their orders but I can effortlessly stop those thoughts now. I kept telling myself to focus on the present moment and just treat them like any other customers - which was effective. And I don't want to drown myself overthinking why did her sister choose to order food from us knowing my ex and I broke up. 

But I won't hide this tho, if I get the chance to have a small talk with her sister, I would likely ask to talk with my ex and clear things with her and that there are no hard feelings from what happened between us last December - because I'm confident that I can be a friend to her now with no strings attached. But if I don't get the opportunity for that, then it's okay. 

Any opinions? @kayc @MartyT (outside opinions are also welcome)

 

[kayc]

You alone know the true situation of your heart, if you can handle this or not, but my only question would be WHY?  You are broken up, moved on, why take a chance on it setting you back?  I assume you've examined your motives already...

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

There's no hidden agenda behind my decision, I'm not going to ask her back in a relationship with me. I'm just going to casually deliver it and thank them for the orders. I have also noticed to myself that I can control my thoughts and emotions better now - earlier my mind was already fantasizing when I deliver their orders but I can effortlessly stop those thoughts now.

No hidden agenda, but what IS your purpose here? And if earlier you found yourself fantasizing, isn't that an indication that on some level ~ even if it isn't conscious ~ there's still a part of you that's holding out hope of getting her back in a relationship with you? 

[CommanderCody]

19 hours ago, kayc said:

but my only question would be WHY?  You are broken up, moved on, why take a chance on it setting you back?  I assume you've examined your motives already...

Its because for me, I dont see anything wrong with doing it myself. It has been 7 long months since we've had contact, I have properly healed, Im assuming she also has - so I think its okay if we get to see each other again. But Im keeping my delivery to her family a casual one(obviously). If I have the chance to engage a small talk with one of them, I dont think thats going to harm me anymore. If not, then its okay too. 

19 hours ago, MartyT said:

No hidden agenda, but what IS your purpose here?

My purpose is a business purpose - to deliver their orders myself, that's all. I have no problem seeing old faces again, and Im sure I can face that fear now - the fear of seeing a former romantic partner (without any strings attached).

19 hours ago, MartyT said:

And if earlier you found yourself fantasizing, isn't that an indication that on some level ~ even if it isn't conscious ~ there's still a part of you that's holding out hope of getting her back in a relationship with you?

To be honest, no... I'm confident that I have killed every bit of hope of us getting back together. I dont even want to be back in a relationship with her. My fantasy yesterday was just for fun, imagining a scenario of me interacting with the sister or my ex. 

I really do feel that I have to deliver their orders myself, it doesn't matter if the sister is expecting me to deliver it or thru delivery app; I want to show the sister, my ex, and their family that I'm emotionally strong facing them again. I want to show them that this is the new me, I'm no longer the guy who I used to be 7-10 months ago. I want to show them that I have a clear direction in my life, that I'm there only for their orders, if for instance we had a small talk then I'll entertain them but I won't stick around for too long. 

[kayc]

No offense, but I think you may be kidding yourself.  You kind of evaded Marty's and my questions.

[CommanderCody]

None taken. But I have already answered your questions, I didnt avoid them. My answer remains the same, I think there's nothing for me to lose if I would be delivering it myself. I really would like to show them that I'm not afraid of facing them again despite getting my heart broken last year. I want my presence to show them that my emotional maturity has developed. And I want to show them that I'm a new person, I'm focused on my craft and I have moved on from my ex (by showing up)

 

 

[kayc]

I don't see why you feel a need to prove anything to them, you obviously place value on what they think.  If you were truly as over her as you say, I think this would be a moot point.

[CommanderCody]

Hey, @kayc. I have went through and delivered the orders myself yesterday to my ex's sister's house. The sister and I had a 15 minute talk and we talked about my ex, and our relationship. My ex and her family couldnt come so I was only attended by the sister. Anyway here's the story:

 " I went through my ex's sister's place today to drop off the orders. Unfortunately my ex and her family couldnt come but me and the sister had a 15 minute conversation.

As I approached their front door, the eldest son was in the door and took their orders and I asked him where is their mother and he said she's coming down. As soon as the mother saw me I could literally hear the enthusiasm in her voice how happy she was to see me. She told me that she cant let me in because her husband is still recovering then we proceeded to talk at their porch. 

I asked her how is the husband now and she answered my question. Then the topic shifted to me and my ex's relationship which she opened by she feels sorry for us that we couldnt make it work - which I agreed to. She told me that my ex has literally shut down everyone in their family, she doesnt go out and socialize, she stays in her room most of the time, she only has one best friend to keep her company, she resigned from her job and is trying to start a clothing business now.

I explained my side to the sister on why we couldnt make it work - I told her that it was confusing for me because it was my first time to handle such situation in a relationship but I tried my best to work it out with the knowledge I had in the time. 

The sister then said that when their family members started noticing that I wasnt around that much, they were asking her questions about me like " where's emman? " " why is emman not coming?" " how is emman?" " are you still friends with emman? " " do you still follow his instagram?" etc.. And she answers them with a short answer but she easily get irritated if she's asked the same question frequently. 

The sister also told me that she told my ex that I was the best/right boyfriend for her but it was sad that we couldnt make it work.

She then told me that at the end of this year, my ex and her family are moving out of their current house (the half-siblings won the case for the property of their house) which is a huge blow to my ex because she grew up in that house and now they'll be leaving it at the end of the year. 

The sister told me that until now my ex still shuts down some of their family members, still doesnt go out to socialize, always in the house most of the time. And now since they dont have a helper in their house, my ex always does the house chores but obviously she cant do that forever. 

The sister is really worried for her and then she told me that maybe I could give my ex a message and try to talk to her - (I repeated what she said in a question statement) I asked her if she thinks its alright to message my ex and she said absolutely. Even tho just as a friend please talk to her - she said.

She then asked me how I was doing then I told her that Im still in school, doing a business now, I added that Im planning to compete for body building next year (which she wow'ed to), and I told her that I still play the guitar. 

After a while we still had a talk about my ex, we then took a picture and she said that she'll be sending our picture to my ex or my ex's mom. 

Before I left I told her that I was the one who cooked and she was surprised to it, she told me that if they like it they'll be ordering again and she added that my ex might go to their house next week so she said that next Sunday maybe I could come (at least thats how I interpret what she said) and I said sure just let me know if you want to order again.

She then accompanied me back to my car, told me that Im in Ive lost weight and I told her that she did too. Before I said my goodbye, I took her hand and blessed it (its a Filipino tradition of giving respect or as we call "Mano po") and I walked to my car.

The sister told me to keep in touch which I smiled to. As I entered the car, she was still standing at their yard, she waved at me first then I waved back and thats when I left.

Honestly man, Im considering to leave my ex a message. I feel sorry for her. Ive constructed a message in ny head already. But whats your opinion on my story man? "

After this I dropped my ex a message on messenger and we had a really small talk. 

I told her " Hey! I was at your sister's house earlier. I was looking forward to see you unfoetunately you couldnt come. Anyway, I was just checking up on you. I hope youre doing well"

 

Which she replied with: " Hello! I heard, congrats on your new venture! Just a bit sick that why I didnt go. Hope youre doing well too. "

And I replied with: " Thanks! It was mentioned to me that youre also planning to start your own clothing line - thats great! You got my support.

Thanks! Hope you recover soon. And hey, if you ever need a friend, you can always talk to me. "

And she lastly replied with " Thanks! Stay safe :)" 

and I didnt reply after that. 

Any thoughts?

[Rae1991]

2 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Hey, @kayc. I have went through and delivered the orders myself yesterday to my ex's sister's house. The sister and I had a 15 minute talk and we talked about my ex, and our relationship. My ex and her family couldnt come so I was only attended by the sister. Anyway here's the story:

 " I went through my ex's sister's place today to drop off the orders. Unfortunately my ex and her family couldnt come but me and the sister had a 15 minute conversation.

As I approached their front door, the eldest son was in the door and took their orders and I asked him where is their mother and he said she's coming down. As soon as the mother saw me I could literally hear the enthusiasm in her voice how happy she was to see me. She told me that she cant let me in because her husband is still recovering then we proceeded to talk at their porch. 

I asked her how is the husband now and she answered my question. Then the topic shifted to me and my ex's relationship which she opened by she feels sorry for us that we couldnt make it work - which I agreed to. She told me that my ex has literally shut down everyone in their family, she doesnt go out and socialize, she stays in her room most of the time, she only has one best friend to keep her company, she resigned from her job and is trying to start a clothing business now.

I explained my side to the sister on why we couldnt make it work - I told her that it was confusing for me because it was my first time to handle such situation in a relationship but I tried my best to work it out with the knowledge I had in the time. 

The sister then said that when their family members started noticing that I wasnt around that much, they were asking her questions about me like " where's emman? " " why is emman not coming?" " how is emman?" " are you still friends with emman? " " do you still follow his instagram?" etc.. And she answers them with a short answer but she easily get irritated if she's asked the same question frequently. 

The sister also told me that she told my ex that I was the best/right boyfriend for her but it was sad that we couldnt make it work.

She then told me that at the end of this year, my ex and her family are moving out of their current house (the half-siblings won the case for the property of their house) which is a huge blow to my ex because she grew up in that house and now they'll be leaving it at the end of the year. 

The sister told me that until now my ex still shuts down some of their family members, still doesnt go out to socialize, always in the house most of the time. And now since they dont have a helper in their house, my ex always does the house chores but obviously she cant do that forever. 

The sister is really worried for her and then she told me that maybe I could give my ex a message and try to talk to her - (I repeated what she said in a question statement) I asked her if she thinks its alright to message my ex and she said absolutely. Even tho just as a friend please talk to her - she said.

She then asked me how I was doing then I told her that Im still in school, doing a business now, I added that Im planning to compete for body building next year (which she wow'ed to), and I told her that I still play the guitar. 

After a while we still had a talk about my ex, we then took a picture and she said that she'll be sending our picture to my ex or my ex's mom. 

Before I left I told her that I was the one who cooked and she was surprised to it, she told me that if they like it they'll be ordering again and she added that my ex might go to their house next week so she said that next Sunday maybe I could come (at least thats how I interpret what she said) and I said sure just let me know if you want to order again.

She then accompanied me back to my car, told me that Im in Ive lost weight and I told her that she did too. Before I said my goodbye, I took her hand and blessed it (its a Filipino tradition of giving respect or as we call "Mano po") and I walked to my car.

The sister told me to keep in touch which I smiled to. As I entered the car, she was still standing at their yard, she waved at me first then I waved back and thats when I left.

Honestly man, Im considering to leave my ex a message. I feel sorry for her. Ive constructed a message in ny head already. But whats your opinion on my story man? "

After this I dropped my ex a message on messenger and we had a really small talk. 

I told her " Hey! I was at your sister's house earlier. I was looking forward to see you unfoetunately you couldnt come. Anyway, I was just checking up on you. I hope youre doing well"

 

Which she replied with: " Hello! I heard, congrats on your new venture! Just a bit sick that why I didnt go. Hope youre doing well too. "

And I replied with: " Thanks! It was mentioned to me that youre also planning to start your own clothing line - thats great! You got my support.

Thanks! Hope you recover soon. And hey, if you ever need a friend, you can always talk to me. "

And she lastly replied with " Thanks! Stay safe :)" 

and I didnt reply after that. 

Any thoughts?

I think you did well in keeping things light and casual with everyone in the family that you spoke with. So good job with that. How did the interaction feel? Did it bring back any unpleasant feelings or send you back into a spiral of missing her?

Remember, you have no obligation to them/her nor them to you so you do not need to stay in contact with them or care about what they think/feel about you. However I am sure it was validating to know that her family cared for you, just don't let this send you back into your grief cycles.

--Rae

[CommanderCody]

9 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

I think you did well in keeping things light and casual with everyone in the family that you spoke with. So good job with that

I only spoke personally with my ex's sister, her son, and my ex but yeah thanks. 

 

9 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

How did the interaction feel? Did it bring back any unpleasant feelings or send you back into a spiral of missing her?

I felt so happy to see my ex's sister again! I didn't feel any type of unnecessary feelings like the feeling to cry or miss my ex. I was smiling when the sister and I were talking. 

On the way home, I knew to myself that I HAVE to talk to her, I didn't have second thoughts about it. As soon as I opened up our chat box, I typed and sent it. But I know that our conversation would be really short and formal (which did happen) but at least I let her know that I'm here for her if ever she needs someone to talk to. I think that's as far as enough I could go to lend a helping hand even as a friend. 

9 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

Remember, you have no obligation to them/her nor them to you so you do not need to stay in contact with them or care about what they think/feel about you. However I am sure it was validating to know that her family cared for you, just don't let this send you back into your grief cycles.

Yes, of course. It was really comforting to know all those things she said about me, it's just sad that our relationship really fell apart. Honestly I'm quite sure this wont send me back again into my grief, I knew to myself that I have healed enough to face them again and that's why it hasn't affected any sort of feelings inside me. 

I just have one thing to ask you tho: 

Was it alright that I haven't told my ex's sister that it was hard for me to walk away from my ex, or told her how much I loved her, or told her that I grieved my ex or that I still think of her sometimes? Was it enough that I said that - I was also feeling sorry for us that we couldn't make it work, that it was hard for me to see my ex going through a hard time and it was hard also for me because of our situation, that it became confusing for the both of us - that I dont even know at the time if I'll let her come to me or I'll approach her when she asked for space. I also told her that it was my first time handling such situation in a relationship so I really have no idea on what to do. 

I also told her that my ex and I already broke up 6 days before my birthday and she was surprised when she knew that because apparently my ex told her that we're only "cool off" but I went ahead and told her that we're already working out the relationship the day after we broke up.

The sister was also surprised when I told her that my ex and I went out last time to the mall, she didn't know about that. I told her that the following day after that we had a small talk and after that, we didnt talk for 9 days. After she reached out on the 9th day thats when I realized its enough and I ignored her because I need to heal then.

There were things that I missed saying to her sister but I think what I have said already suffice those things that I haven't said. But what do you think?