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My boyfriend, Darius, died two weeks ago. We just buried him 3 days ago. Of all the relationships I have had to date, I know for a fact that he was the love of my life. I am quite certain that would have lasted forever. I am completely lost. Going through the motions of my daily life, work especially like nothing has happened. I smile and speak with my typical cheeriness and no one (save the people that I trust and have told) are any the wiser. Although as soon as I get home, or I am alone (in my office, or the elevator) the façade fails. I am left feeling empty, broken, crushed under an invisible weight, struggling to breath, exhausted and somehow both heartbroken and apathetic. I have no idea what to do or how to be anymore. Everyone says to "take thing s one day at a time", yet everyday is the same. There is no longer any normalcy, no hope, nothing to hold on to. It all seems a meaningless journey along a dark and cold road, where there was once hope that he and I could make something better. No longer, just a long cold road with no end in sight. I don't know what to do.

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I am so very sorry for your loss. I can understand that feeling of hopeless dread. I just lost my Mom 2 days ago. I know, take one day at a time?  Losing who you are? The silence is unbearable. My belief that the person who was here in body is still here in spirit. The time spent with him and your connection is inside your heart and soul and will remain there.

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Hello, I'm very sorry for your loss. I too lost my boyfriend 7 years ago. The fact that we didn't marry left me in a very vulnerable position. I lost my job and our home. 

One day at a time may not be enough. If I may, my advise to you would be to find a place that is safe to express yourself (ie. a journal, a friend who is a good listener, a forum like here, an in person support group). Consider counseling if you can afford it. What is going on right now is a normal expression of grief, and I'm sorry to tell you this but I don't want to lie: those feelings might not go away any soon. You will learn to adapt but it may take a long time.  That's why I strongly suggest you to find a safe place to pour your love and your pain because if you keep pretending that you are OK (and why you should be?) you will stop talking about your feelings, you will hide, and you will start lying. That's what I did and it was wrong. 

I know how all this sounds and this is not to frighten you, but to give you hope that such place exist and that you may find some sort of relief in being yourself for a moment instead of pretending you are strong. 

This is one of those safe places. We understand. 

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Welcome, although I'm sorry you have had to find us.  As Ana says, we understand, and everything you say is familiar to us here.

10 hours ago, Creolegirl91 said:

I have no idea what to do or how to be anymore.

It's okay to not know, right now.  We humans seem to like certainty, the predictable, the expected.  Now you're in a place where nothing in life is any of those things.  I hope you can find a way to permit yourself some grace, and time, to get your bearings --because your point of reference in the world is gone. That's huge.  it's going to feel cold, meaningless, empty, etc. all those things are apt descriptors for what you are feeling right now.  Most other people aren't equipped or prepared to understand the difficult space you are in at this time, and they'll move on much quicker than you will.

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14 hours ago, Creolegirl91 said:

I know for a fact that he was the love of my life. I am quite certain that would have lasted forever.

You expressed exactly why you are feeling as you do.  We know in our hearts that one someone that is/was our perfect fit.  It was taken from you before you could create a long life together.  My first few weeks I was totally numb.  I couldn’t have pretended I was fine and, like you have heard, it’s really not possible to sustain.  You are on a new road and there is no knowing how it will unfold. It will be unique to you.  But we are all on our roads and understand the uncertainty and pain.  The support you need is also unique to you.  Coming here, a grief counselor, avoiding those who say they understand but haven’t experienced it and not fighting the pain is my recipe.  I hope you find this a safe place to share.  We all know a new language from shared pain.  💖

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21 hours ago, Creolegirl91 said:

Everyone says to "take thing s one day at a time", yet everyday is the same. There is no longer any normalcy, no hope, nothing to hold on to. It all seems a meaningless journey along a dark and cold road

We've all experienced this.  It's been 16 years for me, I didn't meet him until our mid-40s, and our time together was all too short (6 1/2 years), he passed five days after his 51st birthday...that was over 16 years ago.  When it first happened I didn't see how I could do one week without him!  He was my soul mate and best friend, my lover, my everything.  He was the most caring man I ever met, bar none.  I made cards for 35 years and enjoyed it, it holds little interest for me now as my "tools and mediums" gather dust.

We welcome you here, this is a safe place where you can pour your innermost feelings out and know you're felt and others "get it."  No need for a brave face.  
I wrote this at ten years, and hope something in it helps you now or later on down the road...this is an ever evolving journey.  
Tips to Make Your Way through Grief

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The one day at a time helps me still as I can't take on the whole "rest of my life..." it's too much and invites way too much anxiety.  Today, one minute at a time, I can do that.

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17 hours ago, mik said:

I just lost my Mom 2 days ago.

My condolences.  Truly, I wish I knew what to say or do that might help but I have no answers. Nothing that might help, but if I had I would offer it in kind.

 

17 hours ago, scba said:

I know how all this sounds and this is not to frighten you, but to give you hope that such place exist and that you may find some sort of relief in being yourself for a moment instead of pretending you are strong.

 

11 hours ago, Kieron said:

We humans seem to like certainty, the predictable, the expected.  Now you're in a place where nothing in life is any of those things.  I hope you can find a way to permit yourself some grace, and time, to get your bearings

 

33 minutes ago, kayc said:

Today, one minute at a time, I can do that.

It doesn't frighten me. I would rather a hard truth than a comforting truth that doesn't help me get better. That being said I would no say no to comfort. Just a comfort that does not serve me in the long run. I have been no stranger to struggles. Mostly of the mind, of expectation, and a legacy needed to be lived up to. Pretending to be strong thus far as been the only thing that I could do to keep from collapsing or falling apart. Pretending to have strength in the past has given me a false sense of one that has allowed me to carry forward. It gave hope that I would succeed at some point. There was a clear objective and means to meet it. In this instance, there is a clear objective, not to feel pain. However there is no road map to make that happen. There is lies my difficultly. 

There seems to be no reason to keep going. Everything that I am working for now in my life was meant to be shared across a lifetime with him. I used to look forward to when I imagine I would accomplish something and it often helped to keep me going. I see my success, but no happiness. I see the life I wanted for us both, but I am alone. Still with the love of my family and friends, but the overall existence is hollow. Hence having no reason anymore. I have no idea how to find a reason. 

Every day I wake up and at first everything is fine. It seems as the day wears on the gravity of it all bares down harder and harder until it is suffocating. There are time I cannot even breath. I have spend so much of my life learning to control, manage or in extreme cases, suppress anything and everything that did not serve me until such a time that I could deal with them on my own terms. His passing is too much. My instinct is to feel, scream, cry, let the emotion take hold until it is out of me, even if it takes days, weeks or months even. However my sense of control is so powerful that is manages to hold back most of the grief. I have days, moments or instance where I attempt to let or even help aid the emotion to take over. Less than 30 second later, control sets back in, and hold back the flood.

 

When I first heard of his death I hardly cried or felt much of anything. At the funeral I cried very hard but not until after they closed the casket and took it outside. Leaving the church, I did not cry. At the burial site I did not cry. Not until he was in the ground, and most everyone had already left. It was me alone staring down at him. My father and one of out male friend had to drag me away. Once we got in the car, the tears stopped. A switch is flipped and once again I am a picture of restraint and control. Even when I don't want to be. Instead of crying, it had begun to take a physical toll. Pains, altered eating habits, even my voice has become strained, as if I had been yelling or screaming. I have texted his phone every day since he passed. Talking to him as if he were still here. I is all that keeps me feeling connected to him and even that isn't real, not truly. 

 

I thank all of you for your support and wish we could have all found each other under better circumstances. I am often told I can be easily misread as confrontational or combative. And if at any point that seems to be the case, I do apologies. I don't mean anything of the sort. 

 

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I'm very sorry. I know and totally understand, we would like to avoid the pain, I have been there. It is too much, we want to run away and do anything to stop feeling it. But it cannot be. Its impossible, unrealistic. The pain from loosing your soulmate is something that we cannot control or avoid and if suppressed it may turn into an unhealthy behavior. A book that helped me to understand what was going on was It's OK that you're not OK from Megan Devine.

Your description from the funeral brought similar memories. I see myself seated and feeling "this is the funeral of a life that will never be". His parents celebrated his life. I didn't feel any of it. I didn't feel my boyfriend being there.

I was very young, I was very thin, I was wearing a very simple dress from one of our dates. I went to the hairdresser for a shampoo. It was a sunny day. I was numbed until I arrived to the memorial site and OH NO this is real! He is dead!  I felt totally empty and dead inside. I was hugged and hugged and I cried and cried. When they spreaded his ashes, I kneeled down and expected the earth to open and swallow my body. It was real. He died. But I didn't. I was killed and have been left alive.

Numbness is totally normal. The brain and the body are doing their job to keep us functioning. 

We have survived. Trust you will do, in your own time and terms.

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19 hours ago, scba said:

It's OK that you're not OK from Megan Devine.

That's a good book, our pastor often has quoted from it.  

I agree with what Ana has said (Scba)...

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I will pick it up. Is there anything that you did that you found comforting? I am more than willing to try just about anything. Same to anyone. If there are thing you all did or found helpful I would be grateful for and will try.

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I am sorry for your loss. Many sources suggest creating a narrative of your loved one, and your loss. In a sense you are doing that here, by sharing your story with us. After my friend's death 2.5 years ago, I sorted and collected all of the correspondence I had with our mutual friends and colleagues and created a memorial book. After my mother died, my sisters created a cookbook that interleaved her recipes with family remembrances. My mother and her parents and sibs had a very compelling WW II story - a dramatic escape from the Nazis - that was written up as a young adult novel in Israel. I got the book translated into English and found an American publisher for it - a very healing experience. Take care of yourself. 

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There are so many things people do to try and make sense of this.  I followed my emotions.  I was numb for awhile after the shock and breakdown.  I became productive doing tasks put off from his care for his cancer.  Framing pictures, ridding the house of all the medical supplies related to his needs.  Did not want any reminders.  I destroyed all pictures of him from the treatments.  Even found places to donate them.  When I ran out of tasks I broke down.  The crying turned to screaming, I couldn’t talk and would wail trying to sleep, taking a shower, yelling at him wanting to know why he abandoned me.  I knew it was the illness, not his choice, but I was angry as well as heartbroken.  So, after all these words, I’m saying there are common reactions like crying, but others that are dictated by how, why, faith, no faith, the length of time or suddenness and our coping skills unique to us.  I hope others share some examples so you can see anything you do is normal for you.  Normal is an odd word to use, but you’ve crossed into a new one without your consent.  That’s another reason to intensify the grief.  I’m so sorry about the pain.  💖

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22 hours ago, Creolegirl91 said:

Is there anything that you did that you found comforting?

It will be different for everyone but whatever brings YOU comfort, do that (except drinking which is a depressant...we don't need anything further depressing us).  Our bed was a huge reminder of his absence so I started sleeping in our loveseat/recliner.  Still do 16+ years later!  It makes no sense because we always cuddled there so you'd think IT would be a huge reminder of his absence too but for some reason it makes me feel like I'm cuddled up with him, strange huh!

I threw all of his work stuff away, clothes, everything, I didn't want anything to remind me of that place as THEY were responsible for his death, imo.  They pushed him to work harder/faster/harder/faster!  They even got him on meth to get more work out of him, he was already working harder than he should have!  They broke his weight restrictions, continually.  Yet not one company rep bothered sending a card or flowers when he died, not one of them attended his funeral although coworkers did.  They stole all of his tools, worth thousands of dollars, my son drive 1 1/2 to 2 hours to his job to get them and all they gave him was a broken pencil and piece of chalk.  REALLY!  I didn't want the thermos or mug they'd "awarded" him, nothing, in the garbage!

I also put his pictures up, down, up, down, depending on whether they made me cry or brought me comfort, do what you feel in the moment, finally they were up to stay, but it took a while.

I listened to his CDs, all of them, even the ones not my taste, in an effort to ascertain what he saw in them, feel closer to him.  Then I was okay with letting them go...eventually.

I still have his bathrobe hanging on a hook, sometimes I wrap myself in it.

And the old t-shirt I wanted him to throw away?  It was full of holes and shrunk/stretched misshapened, I didn't want to part with it.

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12 hours ago, razorclam said:

My mother and her parents and sibs had a very compelling WW II story - a dramatic escape from the Nazis - that was written up as a young adult novel in Israel. I got the book translated into English and found an American publisher for it - a very healing experience.

What is the name of it?  Wow, that's...a lot.

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Another thing I will say is I didn't care about eating, whether I went hungry or ate junk.  At first I lost weight then I gained it.  A lot.  Years later I finally take care of myself and am at a good weight.  

It's hard to learn to cook for one.  If you don't feel like cooking, make a healthy smoothie.  (spinach, strawberries, bananas, yogurt, granola, protein powder...there, all the food groups!)  At least you're getting something in besides Cheetos.

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

It will be different for everyone but whatever brings YOU comfort, do that (except drinking which is a depressant...we don't need anything further depressing us).  Our bed was a huge reminder of his absence so I started sleeping in our loveseat/recliner.  Still do 16+ years later!  It makes no sense because we always cuddled there so you'd think IT would be a huge reminder of his absence too but for some reason it makes me feel like I'm cuddled up with him, strange huh!

I threw all of his work stuff away, clothes, everything, I didn't want anything to remind me of that place as THEY were responsible for his death, imo.  They pushed him to work harder/faster/harder/faster!  They even got him on meth to get more work out of him, he was already working harder than he should have!  They broke his weight restrictions, continually.  Yet not one company rep bothered sending a card or flowers when he died, not one of them attended his funeral although coworkers did.  They stole all of his tools, worth thousands of dollars, my son drive 1 1/2 to 2 hours to his job to get them and all they gave him was a broken pencil and piece of chalk.  REALLY!  I didn't want the thermos or mug they'd "awarded" him, nothing, in the garbage!

I also put his pictures up, down, up, down, depending on whether they made me cry or brought me comfort, do what you feel in the moment, finally they were up to stay, but it took a while.

I listened to his CDs, all of them, even the ones not my taste, in an effort to ascertain what he saw in them, feel closer to him.  Then I was okay with letting them go...eventually.

I still have his bathrobe hanging on a hook, sometimes I wrap myself in it.

And the old t-shirt I wanted him to throw away?  It was full of holes and shrunk/stretched misshapened, I didn't want to part with it.

 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

What is the name of it?  Wow, that's...a lot.

Escape in Time, written by my late cousin Ronit Lowenstein-Malz. 

https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/ronit-lowenstein-malz/escape-in-time/

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On 11/4/2021 at 10:20 AM, Creolegirl91 said:

If there are thing you all did or found helpful I would be grateful for and will try.

You might find some of the topics in this forum to be helpful:

Tools for Healing

As we travel our individual grief journeys, we may find it helpful to return to activities of self-expression that satisfy or relax us, or we may discover new ones that bring us comfort and relief, helping us to feel calmer, more relaxed and less stressed. Here we can recommend and share whatever helps us feel informed, cared for and nurtured: the ideas, tools, resources and practical information we can revisit and use throughout our grief experience (books, music, videos, meditations, quotations, poetry, art, writings, webinars, seminars and the like).

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On 11/5/2021 at 7:00 AM, razorclam said:

Escape in Time, written by my late cousin Ronit Lowenstein-Malz. 

https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/ronit-lowenstein-malz/escape-in-time/

Thank you!

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On 11/3/2021 at 10:11 AM, Creolegirl91 said:

 I have texted his phone every day since he passed. Talking to him as if he were still here. I is all that keeps me feeling connected to him and even that isn't real, not truly. 

 

 

 

I want to tell you I do the same with John.  Through WhatsApp - his phone was disconnected but we have years of texts on WhatsApp because he lived in England and I live in the US.  John had some lung problems and contracted Covid in July and died August 14 after a very traumatic stay in the hospital.  The UK lifted travel restrictions on August 1st and I traveled over to be with him.  I focused on fighting the hospital to get in to a Covid ward.  I eventually won my way in to see him twice.  He was ravaged but beautiful as always.  And conscious as his lungs were too fragile for a ventilator so they did the CPAP / BIPAP treatment.  This has been a hard month in its own way as i was meant to be setting up a new home for us (we were in love a little over 6 years) and he was coming over in January.  I’m still devastated.  Like you it is like losing your reason.  I have no regrets - he never did anything to hurt me except die. I did nothing to hurt him.  What’s unresolved is the future.  I was meant to be defending for a doctorate next month.  I can’t even look at it let alone finish writing it.  I can function.  I can’t care.  I didn’t go over for his funeral as he had divorced his wife for me years ago yet she took over as the widow with an elaborate romantic eulogy etc - it would have been horrifying to be there.  I’ve finally managed to push her out of my life.  It’s nice not to be jabbed at daily but now there is exactly no distraction from the incredible emptiness of living now.  I am in an in person grief recovery program now but recovery seems somehow useless.  This money spent on staying upright as I have a son with autism was all saved to marry him.  Now I get to spend it on grief recovery.  It’s hideous.  It hurts.  And I don’t know except you have to find a way to direct all that love you had for him to yourself.  They thought we were worth it.  I’m so sorry you lost him.  I’m so sorry you can relate to us.  It just sucks.

elizabeth 82242541-1412-42B7-A414-582B76F8D261.thumb.jpeg.863b7102b4e2279afb8da6bea457230d.jpeg

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You can see the love in both your eyes.  It’s unmistakable.  I’m so sorry your love story ended by this cruel thing that has seized our world.  I’m also sorry his ex calls herself the widow.  She isn’t.  Even tho you weren’t official yet, that is your place.  Not a good one, but you were his love.  We all understand your paralysis with a recent death.  You should be carrying out your plans, not posting here.  I’m glad you found us.  It’s safe and always a place to share your feelings.  💖

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I am so sorry for all you are going through, your story really touches me, this is very real as we all know here.  She has her pretense, that rings hollow, you had HIM.  I'm so glad they let you see him, here it depends on which hospital and what they're following at any given time.  I'm so sorry you were robbed of your "happy ever after,"  I hope you can finish your doctorate, any way you can do so later?  With grief it's hard to think or focus.

Grief brain-loss of mind
Grief Brain-Widows Brain
Grief Healing: Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested Resources
Grief, PTSD, and Your Brain | HealthyPlace
Widow Brain

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