The Wait is Almost Over ​🤞🏼​

[Boho-Soul]

A brief recap - my husband died December 10, 2020. It was sudden and unexpected. The initial autopsy could not determine cause of death so it went into secondary autopsy. I was told it would take between 6-12 months, then the wait began. After 14 months and no answers I was beyond frustrated, and the wait was taking a mental and physical toll on me. I passed the 21 month mark just over a week ago and called the medical examiners office yet again. They said someone would call back. Typically when I called them they'd say I would get a call the next day, which I did. This time I waited a week with no phone call. I called back this morning, left a message for someone to call - then someone called back. I was told the report will be finalized tomorrow and I should receive the full autopsy report outlining cause of death via mail in about a week 🤞🏼

The wait is almost over ...

[kayc]

Hopefully!  Waiting with bated breath!

[Boho-Soul]

The autopsy report has finally arrived.

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Boho-Soul said:

The autopsy report has finally arrived.

I hope it brings you the answers you've been seeking for such a long time.  ❤️

[kayc]

Whatever it contains, know we are here in support of you...

[Chocolate]

My heart and thoughts are with you.

[Boho-Soul]

I received a lot of closure in a week – I submitted forms to land titles, handed over keys to the new tenants renting my studio, the ME report arrived, and I sent in the medical certificate to my insurance. All was a huge relief, but I experienced a flair up. I felt rundown, my gut hurt, had muscle tension and struggled with sleep. I’m starting to feel better and return to the point of healing I had achieved before the news, thanks to my supportive therapies. My health and well-being are top priority, so continued healing is key. I also felt new waves of grief, which I welcomed, as it helped me release more of that chaotic energy that comes with loss. Like they say, “You have to feel it to heal it.”

So, the medical report states that my husband’s immediate cause of death was cardiac arrhythmia (of undetermined etiology). Significant conditions contributing to his death were his recent tibia/fibula fracture, mild/moderate coronary artery disease, and borderline hypernatremia (a condition due to dehydration and an imbalance in electrolytes defined as a rise in sodium). Given his symptoms of the severe distress and trauma that he experienced, and I witnessed, it all makes sense. I feel my questions have been answered and I can move on from this. I’ll still be processing moments of that day, but it won’t be open-ended, and I can now do it with a sense of completion.

[kayc]

So proud of you, @Boho-Soulfor how you've tackled this and your incredible patience, perseverance, and strength as you've endured...

[Boho-Soul]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

So proud of you, @Boho-Soulfor how you've tackled this and your incredible patience, perseverance, and strength as you've endured.

I realize there aren't many here that can relate to my specific situation, so any posted response to my threads are comforting. Thx for your kind words kayc.

[nashreed]

Like I've mentioned, I ordered up about 2,000 pages of hospital records from Annette's last hospital stay, a couple of weeks before she passed. What I've read so far doesn't jibe with what I remember happening. I could not talk to her on the phone (damn COVID) the whole first week she was there. She just was not coherent. I remember her telling me (when she finally was able to talk to me) that she was told they almost lost her. I don't know if she was telling me this because of a feeling she had, or if she dreamt it or what- There is no mention of anything of the sort. She is not described as being particularly out of it (not anymore than normal). There's no reason she couldn't talk to me that I see. 

I have a lot of questions and mysteries I'll never have answers to. 

[V. R.]

@Boho-Soul, I am so relieved for you that you have finally received what you've been waiting for, for way too long. I admire your courage and perseverance (Kayc's perfect word), you deserve to have a clearer picture now of how and why you lost your beloved, although I can imagine how hurtful for you it must have been reading through that report.

Thank you also for your kind words in the other thread "Angels calling". I think one of the factors that are unconsciously 'stopping' me from grieving in a sane way, and driving me mad, is that I'm left with no explanation. Could I have done more? What if? Should have.. (you know, the usual torture thoughts). People may think does it matter? Yes, for me it does, I can't help it, it's the way I am. I try not to be like this. So many heart attacks occur in this day and age and so many survive, why not him? He had never had any health problems, the only consolation I try and talk myself into, is that he had only ever had one ECG done in his life, nearly twenty years ago, so perhaps there was an underlying heart disorder that we didn't know about and so just like a time bomb, was waiting to explode? 

Hoping you will now  finally find more peace and serenity in your life.

[kayc]

James, wow, so hard with all those unanswered questions...

[kayc]

@V. R.So many things unanswered!  Perhaps that explanation makes the most sense (heart issue, unknown), but when one never knows for certain, it can bug you for sure!

[Kieron]

On 10/2/2022 at 5:56 PM, Boho-Soul said:

I’ll still be processing moments of that day, but it won’t be open-ended, and I can now do it with a sense of completion.

That's a great way to describe it, in very relatable terms.  Sometimes naming the problem or the issue or the concept allows us to feel a sense of control, or power, or agency, over whatever it is.  When we can't name it, we can't get a handle or a grip on it.

James, I wanted to comment on ordering the medical records.  I understand wanting to know the full story and I did this myself back in the day.  However.... Having been on both sides of the situation, as both a neutral professional documenting things as I observed them, and as a patient's family member, the records will rarely, if ever, align with what we remember happening.  It's been said in the various helping professions, "If it's not documented, it didn't happen."  The various perspectives of the involved hospital/facility providers, some of who didn't care, whose first language was not English, or who were tired and overworked and underpaid --all of it muddied my personal recall, at least in my experience.  Reading the records upset me more than it helped, because it was in the chart (or not) and thus unchangeable.  Yes, some things were clarified but others were made more confused.  Filing a complaint with the board of nursing against the worst offender who failed us did me no good because my verbal report didn't stand up to the written documentation, such as it was.  😞😣😣

When I was running around in his last days to try to get everyone moving in the same direction (the rehab facility, the hospital and the various other "professionals" who failed us at every step), I thought that would cut down on confusion, but it seemed to be in vain.

I wish I had had the presence of mind to demand of the facility social worker, in that last meeting I had with her, why in the world hospice was not called when it was obvious he was fading fast.  Talk about dereliction of duty!

[scba]

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

That's a great way to describe it, in very relatable terms.  Sometimes naming the problem or the issue or the concept allows us to feel a sense of control, or power, or agency, over whatever it is.  When we can't name it, we can't get a handle or a grip on it.

James, I wanted to comment on ordering the medical records.  I understand wanting to know the full story and I did this myself back in the day.  However.... Having been on both sides of the situation, as both a neutral professional documenting things as I observed them, and as a patient's family member, the records will rarely, if ever, align with what we remember happening.  It's been said in the various helping professions, "If it's not documented, it didn't happen."  The various perspectives of the involved hospital/facility providers, some of who didn't care, whose first language was not English, or who were tired and overworked and underpaid --all of it muddied my personal recall, at least in my experience.  Reading the records upset me more than it helped, because it was in the chart (or not) and thus unchangeable.  Yes, some things were clarified but others were made more confused.  Filing a complaint with the board of nursing against the worst offender who failed us did me no good because my verbal report didn't stand up to the written documentation, such as it was.  😞😣😣

When I was running around in his last days to try to get everyone moving in the same direction (the rehab facility, the hospital and the various other "professionals" who failed us at every step), I thought that would cut down on confusion, but it seemed to be in vain.

I wish I had had the presence of mind to demand of the facility social worker, in that last meeting I had with her, why in the world hospice was not called when it was obvious he was fading fast.  Talk about dereliction of duty!

Thank you Kieron for your testimony as you showed us the other side of the desk. I don't know in which side I belong since I choose consciously not to read his autopsy file. 

There is a chapter in Didion's the year of magical thinking describing her journey through the medical records. 

[Boho-Soul]

10 hours ago, V. R. said:

Hoping you will now finally find more peace and serenity in your life.

Thx VR. I got the information I wanted as to 'what' happened, but it does not explain 'why'. It states that there are a number of diseases of the electrical system of the heart that are referred to as channelopathies (caused by either genetic or acquired factors), so I'm letting go of the 'why'. I recently found out that two of his three brothers also have heart arrhythmias, so there's a possible genetic component.

I'm still working toward more peace. I'm now confronting the complicating factors of our marriage. My late husband suffered with severe mental illness, and I'm now facing how living with him and his unhealthy coping skills has adversely impacted me. I tried to carry our marriage on my own (not possible as marriage is a partnership, not a solo endeavour), I was on edge never knowing when he would experience a depressive dip, I took the brunt of his unhealthy coping behaviours and he would often blame me for his state etc. There's more, but I'll stop there as this may not be the correct forum for such a topic.

The hardest thing to sort out is that he was a good man at his core, and it's hard to hold space for his 'core self' and his 'coping self' in the same moment.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

There's more, but I'll stop there as this may not be the correct forum for such a topic.

Hon, anything you choose to share is fine here.  Gosh, I think we've talked about pretty much everything here, as long as we're respectful that's pretty much the only requirement.

 

[Gwenivere]

That’s what so hard, James.  But there is no real changing for the end.  I was told by professional hospice people that know the signs and they were spot on.  Did my supposed preparing do?  Not at all.  There’s a reason they call it reality.  I actually saw t myself and couldn’t deny tit.  He crossed a line there was no coming back from.  It sounds horrible, but I’m glad I was not there.  He wouldn’t have known and left me with another image to add to so many.  My question has always been why him.  One we all carry.  I even know the answer….flaws of nature..

Agreed with Kay, BoHo. It helps us. understand your journey anything you share. And definitely your relationship and challenges are paramount.  Depression is very impacting.  Look what it’s done to us left behind.  Everything you share is safe and respected.   Valid.  What is r right for you is. right.  I hope you will trust that so you can hopefully ease some of your burden.  I am still checking in e very day after 8 years for the connection to people that truly understand.  

[Boho-Soul]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Hon, anything you choose to share is fine here.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Agreed with Kay, BoHo. It helps us. understand your journey anything you share. And definitely your relationship and challenges are paramount.

I appreciate both your comments. I'll post when I feel I'm able. Many thx 🙏

[kayc]

Not a problem, just want you to feel free to say what you want.

[Boho-Soul]

It's been 2 weeks since I got the ME report stating my husband's cause of death. Most of my symptoms that I initially felt like muscle tension have subsided, although my energy levels have tanked. Did not expect to experienced energy crashes again. It's rather annoying and I find I'm irritable, mostly to my cat who doesn't deserve it. It's strange because that's not me, I've never been one to be irritable.

It's an amazing autumn day today, trying to gather enough energy to do a short walk, want to enjoy these amazing warm autumn days before the big shift in seasons happen. I think getting some vitamin N (nature) will do me good. It's Canadian thanksgiving this weekend, so I want to give thanks for the wonderful weather we have this weekend and reflect on the blessings I have received over this last year. Gratitude is healing and thankful reflection will put me in a positive state of mind.

[Boho-Soul]

Pix of today's walk on the pathways in my community - love the autumn colors.      

   

   

[kayc]

Don't take it for granted!  All I see is smoke, since August 1!  Your pictures are beautiful!

Enjoy your Thanksgiving, and all other Canadians as well!  Wish I was there to walk with you!

[Boho-Soul]

16 minutes ago, kayc said:

Wish I was there to walk with you!

That would've been great if you were able to join in the walk 😊 The weather is unseasonably warm for this time of year, today was 22C, above the typical 16C.

When I went out for my walk I passed my neighbour's house who lives 2 doors down from me, and saw her in her yard. I called out out to her and told her I'd received the ME results. She joined me on my walked, we talked about the results, and chatted about our other neighbour in our cul-de-sac who just lost her husband last month. It was nice to have someone to share the walk with and to have someone to talk to.

[kayc]

71.6F, that sounds great!  I know it gets cold in Canada, but oh how nice for the beauty and clean air!  I've had smoke since Aug. 1st, can't go out w/o a mask on, yesterday was in the 800s, hazardous air quality!  It's been this way for so long, we can't enjoy the outdoors.

I understand what you're saying, I love greeting my neighbors when they're out and there was an autistic boy who'd sometimes join us on our walks, not in this though.  Have to cut them short when this high.