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Kinda Quiet Around Here


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JennO,

I hit 39 weeks yesterday so my due date is 6 days away. I hope he gets here soon I cant wait to see him.

I also get panic attacks alot lately Its weird sometimes I feel like I am forgetting something maybe its the fact that I went from spending my everyday with someone and taking care of him and now nothing. Another reason why I cant wait for the little one to come. Take care all.

Edited by chrissy777
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Hi Jenn, It does seem like, atleast for the few months that I have been here, that the activity here ebbs and flows a bit. But I think we are all still here, checking in, reading, etc. It's nice to know everyone is still here just in case of a crisis! Sometimes I guess we get quiet in our grief process and reflect. Other times I just felt so awful I couldn't manage to type how I felt. I think we'll all really need alot of support from each other over the next handful of months; I'm already getting a little fearful of the holidays. I'm starting to think of new ideas of how to handle the holidays because everything from my old life doesn't seem right anymore. Anyways, here's a big hug to you!!! Kelly

Chrissy, Wow, I can't believe it's almost time for your little Jason to join us! On my recent trip to visit my family and Josh's family and friends, I was able to see Josh's friends that are pregnant with their new little Josh. They're not due until Novemeber eventhough she looks so pregnant! I can't wait to meet their little Josh too! And big hug to you too! Kelly

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I didn't think about that quiet reflective grief thing. I am cautiously having a few good almost full days lately and wonder why...it will be 11mths Saturday.

The weirderst things really spiral my mood down. Tonite a friend was supposed to come over and help me paint the trim in my basement and she didn't call or come. I was just so sad, so lonely. I spent two hours down there doing it by myself and watching Dancing with the Stars.

I can't believe I am saying this, but I am thinking about the possibility of meeting someone. I am just becoming so lonely..I just want someone to talk to and watch a movie with. I think of a few things...how can I do this when I can't even take my wedding rings or Jeff's off my fingers..or his pictures off the walls...and I truly must lose some weight before anyone would find me remotely appealing. My job is such that I work late nights two nights a week and how could I possibly leave my baby with someone a third night..I don't want to, but I can't find a job that gives me more regular hours, even with 10+years experience and a degree!

I have lots more to say, but I just ran out of emotional energy.

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JennO,

It is a good sign that you are thinking about the possibility of maybe having someone in your life again. And you don't need to lose weight to attract someone, the right person will love you as you are...just as Jeff did. Don't worry about your rings or the pictures or any of that, when the time is right, it will happen, whether rings are on or pictures are up or not...and that person may understand about that. It is a hard thing you are going through. Be extra kind and loving to yourself!

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Hi Jenn,

Glad to hear that you are doing better as I hope we all are. You know in your heart when it is time to meet somebody, I have met a few people nothing serious though just nice to know that there are guys out there if that is what you are looking for. It has only been 2 1/2 months for me since Trevor passed, and I know I am not ready for anything serious but like you said it's nice to have some one to watch movies with and such. I haven't taken my engagment ring off my finger or Trevors clothes out of our closet, I feel like I will know when it is time, just as you will, just don't rush yourself, one day at a time. Take Care and I hope to hear from you soon.

Hugs,

Brooke

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Jenn,

Glad to hear you are doing better, just like everyone said, take your time with everything. I am only 5 1/2 months into this and like you I haven't gotten rid of much of anything that is Karen's. I know that I will know when it is the right time. I still wear my wedding ring and have hers on a necklace aroung my neck. If you are ready to meet someone, the right one will come along that will like you for who you are and not how muchh you weigh. Karen was overweight, and I didn't have one problem with it. I loved her for who she was on the inside. She had a personallity where if I got mad at her, it just wouldn't last long, and her whole face lit up when she smilled.

Kellymarie,

When you find out the new things to do for the holidays, let me know. I am dreading the holiday season coming up. The holidays are generally depressing to me before Karen died because of the loss of my Grandmother and the divorse of my parents back in the fall of 1986, so I know this one is going to be worse. Karen was such a great cook during this season and there is so much of it that I will miss.

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I think that everyone's taking things at their own pace. Slow...difficult progression. Good days, bad days, days that seem

to blend together.

For me, it actually pains me to see the growth of new memberships. I wouldn't wish this pain and suffering upon anyone

that I ever cared about.

Unfortunately it's a cruel fact of life, and something we all must share at one time or another.

Sometimes silence is the best remedy.

My best to all of you. Thoughts and prayers are constantly with you.

William

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Hi,

I got a new job and now leave at 7 am and don't get home until almost 4pm. I'm beat and have been going to bed very early and very sad. I tried for a year to get this job, started while Paul was still alive and now he is not here to share my accomplishment. Sept. 10 was 9 months and with all the talk of 9-11 and interviews with widows that were on TV, I was a mess for a week. I couldn't even come here. I'm feeling a little better now, but dreading the holidays along with you. Paul died right between Thanksgiving and Christmas...Thanksgiving was the day he started his downward turn. Don't even want that day to come. Our anniversary is next month, too. It's still just so overwwhelming, I feel like I'm living someone else's life, but we go on for our kids. Mine is a freshman in high school this year, I try to put up a good front for him, but it's hard. Thanks for listening.

Karen H

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Karen,

I am sorry you have been having a hard time. I hear what you are saying about the 9/11 widows. I have a hard time watching such sorrow I always have but now when you can relate to the loss of a spouse I know what they are feeling and it hurts me all over again. "Living someone elses life" you hit the nail right on the head. Right now I am on maternity leave from work and have absolutly nothing going on but waiting for my son to get here. I shouldnt complain though because at least I have that which will bring me so much joy. I kinda feel like I am in a bad dream or a horror film most of my days. I wish I could wake up... Take care of yourself.

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" I wish I could wake up..." voices my sentiments. :(

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It's been pretty quiet here the last couple of days, I find myself wondering how everyone is. Give us an update! I feel like you are friends and wonder about each of you, how are you doing?

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Hey KayC, isn't it funny how this runs in cycles? I was noticing the quietness myself. I'll just share something. My birthday was Sunday and I had asked friends and family not to do anything. I did not want to celebrate. My hospice counselor came on Monday and surprised me with a little tea party with hats and sandwiches and a small cake. It was a very thoughtful gesture and she wanted to see me smile, if just for a second. Life will never be the same. I had someone say to me, if you are looking for it to be normal again, it won't. Your reality has changed. Boy, is that an understatement. Hope you are feeling better KayC and hope everyone is hanging in there. Deborah

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Hi everyone..I too have noticed the quiet. I have been on vacation with family in town trying to forget that Jeff wasn't here to celebrate our son's first birthday adn my birthday last weekend. I am heading back to work tomorrow and I am a wreck. Exhausted, spent, broke, and not wanting to go. I am beginning to feel so very lonely again...amidst all the chaos.

This time last year I had just given birth and Jeff and I had taken our son out a few times in his first week to have some alone time. My parents had stayed with us for several weeks and we were grateful to them, but wanted our family time. I am so glad we did that, since they are the only memories we have together. Leaves are falling, temperatures are cooling off, and they are bringing back all those memories of last year. I am just so very sad and wishing a year ago back today.

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Hi everyone,

I, too, am getting a little nervous about the holidays...and I also had a birthday - it was yesterday. I had made an appointment to get my hair done, after I took a good look in the mirror the other day and practically passed out from shock!! When I woke up I didnt feel like going to the appointment, but forced myself., and I'm glad I did. I look a little more presentable - even if it's just for me and my daughter, (and even if I'm a little too blonde and it's a little too short!)

Dick always got me a card for my birthday that was either very sentimental or very funny. As far as presents go, the last few years he never knew what to get me so he would say I could get myself something if I would. We hadn't really made too much of our birthdays in the last maybe three years or so. We were fortunate enough to be able to buy whatever we needed when we needed it during the year (we were both retired) - so when our birthdays came around, it was always a bit of a challenge.

We were married almost 9 years - together about 10 - and in our earlier years together I would surprise him with outrageous presents...like one year I secretly packed a bag for both of us and told him we had to go for a drive 'cuz I had a surprise for him - and I had made reservations at a motel in Las Vegas (we live in California) for the weekend so he could see one of his favorite entertainers (I forgot her name-a jazz singer) who happened to be playing there that weekend. It was a blast and he LOVED it!!

One year I gave him a surprise present that was a ride on a "Murder Mystery Train" out of a little town not too far from us. He didn't know what it was all about for the longest time after we got to our destination - where the train was to be boarded. The murder mystery started before we boarded the train - a fight was staged and yelling and hollering was going on - and Dick was so stunned and kept looking at me and wondering what in the world was everyone doing and why were there so many people milling around watching!? He loved that one too!

Then I remember one year he didn't buy me anything - he put money in a card for me, and I didn't talk to him for days - until he went out and bought me something personally!!

Yep, the holidays are definitely going to be a challenge. Has anyone else thought about alternative ways of spending them?

Love, Benita

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I've already begun to anticipate the holidays and I'm not sure if I will be able to participate. Last year, Larry had died the day before his birthday, in November. Then there was Thanksgiving,Christmas, New Years and so on. I stumbled thru all that last year but this year will be different. Now I know he is gone (even though I still haven't accepted it) and the memories just flood in of our life together and all the holidays we shared. I just don't know yet how this will all work out. I'd just as soon skip it all.

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Deborah....Herman died 2 days before his birthday......and then came Christmas, etc. Canadian Thanksgiving was on October 10th last year and it was the last gathering that Herman was at....then on the 14th as you know all ***** broke loose. This year Thanksgiving is on October 9th...a short time away and I dread it so much. Herman will not be there and it will be so hard, yet every second of the days and nights are hard without him, still how do I go and be Thankful when I just cannot be. Like you, I feel this year will be even harder and I too wish I could just skip it all. My heart breaks for you Deborah so much and I wish I could reach through the screen and hold you. I know that I am not in any way, shape or form the one you need to hold you but I hope you can at least feel my hugs to you. Lori

Hugs to all of you....I still can't believe how caring and understanding you all are.......Lori

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