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Missing Not Only My Mom, But The Rest


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I'm brand new to this, so I'm just plunging in. My mother died Oct. 25, after 6 months of a series of health calamities (heart attack, quadruple bypass surgery, bowel obstruction, numerous falls, boken neck, pneumonia, and sepsis). It was a very difficult time, especially since I'm an only child and the responsibility of it all fell to me. I wished for my two stillborn brothers whom I never knew. Now, my pastor (a really sweet guy) tries to encourage me with the thought that my dad (who died 32 years ago) and my brothers met Mother when she got to heaven. It IS a good thought, but it hurts. If they're all there together, that's good, but I'm not there with them. Finally, my family is all together, without me. It's like grieving for my dad all over again, now grieving for the brothers I never knew, and feeling terribly left out.

Odd, random stuff hits me hard and makes me cry, often at inconvenient times. I know that this is normal, and will get better with time. I have a great counselor provided by the hospice who took care of Mother during her last three weeks. He's helped a lot and guided me to websites that would help, resulting in finding this particular discussion group.

The biggest immediate weight is cleaning out Mother's apartment. Like others have posted, I have an urge to clean out my house and have nothing that is not necessary, so my sons will not have to go through it all. But I am so exhausted from the last 6 months that I just don't have the energy to tackle it right now. I'm trying to rest and take care of myself, finally.

I don't have a question to ask, just wanted to share and be part of the group. It's good to know there are other people out there, and reading other posts has helped. Many/most(?) people don't know how to relate to me. They love me and want me to be "better", but for now, I'm just being me, walking through all this.

Thanks for letting me share.

Martha

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Hi, Martha....and welcome. I'm very sorry for your loss. I felt (and still feel) pretty exhausted after my Dad passed away. He had a stroke last December and had been in the nursing home in rehab before he passed away. My Mom came to live with me during that time until we saw which way things were going to go with Dad. In April, he decided he was going to stay at the nursing home and we moved Mom in with him. When Mom left, I was pretty wiped out. She has numerous ailments as well....she wasn't demanding at all (in fact, she worried about being a bother). It's just that her needs are greater than I am. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was something I could do to help out (my brother was going to visit our Dad daily and observe his therapies) and my Dad stressed less knowing she was safe here with me. I think what you're feeling is normal....just take super good care of yourself. And don't worry too much about what other people think....go through things at your own pace.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

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Thanks, Leann. I, too, would do it all again in a heartbeat. Our moms and dads took such good care of us, doing the best they could, while we were growing up, it's the least we can do for them. But it is exhausting, and there is a sense of relief when someone else takes over the primary care.

It's tough to lose a parent. No matter how old we are when they pass, it still makes us feel like orphans. I'm so sorry that you have lost your dad. Is your mom still in the nursing home? That's tough, too.

It's good to have someone to walk through this with us. Thanks for your response.

Martha

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Hi Martha,

I am sorry. Feel how you feel and don't let anyone try to tell you different. This is something that you cannot rush, cannot fake and cannot push back down. My mom died in August and my dad 7 months earlier. It is sad, it is draining and it will get better. I know what you are saying about wanting to clean out your house for your boys. I had the thought to make my kids not love me later on so they wouldnt miss me so much when I died. It just hurts so much to miss someone you love. Take care, rest up and get strong again, you are in my prayers

Taika

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Welcome Martha,

I'm sorry for your losses and I understand the grieving for them again. I did that too when my dad died (it made me grieve all over again for everyone I had lost). I think you have a good handle on the grieving process and that is important. Take care of yourself and do what you want, or more importantly, what you can handle, when feel up to it and not before. Hope to hear more from you.

Hugs to you,

Shell

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Hi Martha,

First, I am sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My mother passed away August 1 then later in August we went to clean out her house. It was such an enormous task that I too wanted to come home and do the same to my house so my girls would not have to when my time eventually comes. As others have said get the rest you need and take care of yourself first.

Hugs to you,

Libby

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Martha

I am so sorry for your loss. i lost my mom in july and feel how you feel. i took care of her here bedridden for 18 mos so i have all that to deal with it. i would do it again to have her back and not have all this pain. i don't think she would want to be back since i have to believe she is at peace. i miss her terribly. try to take one moment at a time sometimes that is all we can do, give it up to God or what ever higher power you believe in. i said yes Lord, i can't do this anymore and i need you. its a roller coaster of emotions and you never know when that turn or hill is coming. you have found a great place keep coming and sharing for some reason it helps. God Bless lori

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Wow!! I'm overwhelmed by everyone's response. What a blessing you all are! It helps to know that someone else KNOWS where I am emotionally. What Lori said about a roller coaster sure describes it well.

Today, I cancelled Mother's cable TV service. They waived the final bill, God bless 'em. I also cancelled her telephone. They asked me if I wanted to keep the number (how do you do that?) for sentimental reasons. YES! and NO! I don't know...I didn't do it. It wasn't necessary, but just having the choice made me uncomfortable.

Then, on my lunch hour, I went to the post office to have her mail forwarded to me. They won't let me do it. Only the executor, with PROOF, can have that done. I'm not the executor. She put her assets in a trust with her church so that they would handle all the final stuff and spare me the job. That's been nice, but...I'm her daughter, her ONLY child, and they won't let me have her mail...I don't think there will be anything important come now, but it's just the idea. I was going to do one more "errand" and, after this decided to forget it for today. I'll think about that one tomorrow, just like Scarlett.

Thanks for your support and prayers. And thanks for letting me vent. You all are in my prayers, too. :blush:

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Starrgirl,

The legal stuff can get you really bogged down! I handled everything after my dad died and all the red tape, about who had to sign for what and proof of death and all that just about drove me crazy. Plus, they want everything done pronto, like you're in any shape to deal with it all! I know how you feel about the mail, that's so personal and you'd think you could collect it!

Take it one day (even one moment) at a time.

Hugs,

Shell

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Oh how I relate! I miss my Mom, my Dad, my maternal grandparents (didn't know my paternal grandparents real well). I feel like an orphan and realize that the 4 significant adults I had in my life who were always there for me no matter what are gone! I had a dream a few nights ago in which my Mom was telling me that it will all be ok and that "you have a lot of friends in high places." I took it to mean all my relatives in Heaven. (My quick witted 8 yr old son agreed then said "Either that or you know a lot of mountain goats!" ha.) It is hard to conceive that they are all dead. I agree with the others here: don't let anyone push you through the grief process -- it's hard enough without trying to rush it. I really think we all never get over it or beyond it, we just learn to live with it somehow. I know that from experiencing all the other deaths before my Mom's . Hers has been the hardest for me and I think it's because she was my Mommie and there is no one like a Mother! They carried us for 9 months in their womb, went through great pain to give birth to us and nurtured us like no one else ever could until the moment they breathed their last breath. My Mom was worried about my son and I even when she was very sick and knocking at death's door. I heard her praying out loud one night for God to please make sure my son and I would be alright! (I never told her that I heard her praying that as I figured I would let it remain between her and God.) She was on her death bed reminding me to make sure I looked through her file cabinet for all the legal papers like the will, house deed, etc. She kept saying "remember where everything is that you'll need and do whatever you want to do about it. I know you want to get out of this neighbourhood so sell the house to do that if you want." She knew I don't care for some of the new neighbours we have around here and she knew I couldn't afford to pay the high property taxes here indefinitely. She was a Mother in the true sense of the word right to the end. I think that she is still trying to reassure us as I have a lot of dreams of her in which she is reassuring me and my son frequently still sees her spirit in the house and she's always smiling at him -- it makes him happy and it certainly comforts me when he sees her. I also still smell and sense her presence at times, especially when I am upset about her dying or something else. Sounds like we all have a lot of friends in high places in this thread. Love to all.

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Dear Whiteswan,

I've read with interest how your boy sometimes sees his Nana, and I thought you (and others reading this) might be interested in the message I received today from Christine Duminiak:

Dear Friends,

I am currently writing a new book about stories of spiritual experiences of children who have seen the spirits of departed loved ones, angels, Jesus, or other holy beings.

I believe a book about stories from children who have had these spiritual experiences would be very effective and comforting in helping others to believe in the afterlife, that our loved ones live on, are still a part of our lives, and still contact us from Heaven.

If you have a child's spiritual experience story that you would like to have considered for my latest book, please fill out the form over at:

http://www.christineduminiak.com/submit.html

Thank you and God bless you,

Lovingly,

Chris

Christine Duminiak

Certified Grief Recovery Specialist

Founder - Prayer Wave for After-Death Communication

Author - God's Gift of Love: After-Death Communications

http://www.christineduminiak.com

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Two other good books to consider reading after a loss are Allison Dubois' books,

"Don't Kiss Them Good-bye" and her more recent one, "We Are Their Heaven". Allison is the medium who is used for the inspiration of the hit show, "Medium", and her books are centred on her communications with spirits...many amazing stories to give us confidence in our loved ones' continued existence AND continuing presence in our lives. Both excellent reads. (another 2 to add to you list, Marty, if they're not already there. And I've even been wondering if you've ever crossed paths with Allison, seeing as she works and lives in your city...she even mentioned a 'reading' involving someone who'd been at Hospice of the Valley!)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Marty T: Thanks for the info on the writer who is interested in children's experiences in seeing the spirits of our deceased loved ones! I told my son about it and he is thrilled that he may get a chance to tell someone besides me and my sister (who he told the other night) about his seeing his Nana. Love and hugs and thank you once again for this wonderful site!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Starrgirl:

I don't understand why the post office won't let you forward your Mom's mail. When I started having my Mom's mail forwarded, I just filled out one of those "change of address" forms, mailed it to Mom's Post Office and voila, her mail is now being forwarded to my house.

I didn't have to "prove" anything to anyone. And her mailman knew that Mom had passed away. If I was you, I think I would try again. This time just fill out the form, (making sure to send it to your Mom's post office) and drop it in the mailbox (with a stamp). What's the harm in trying. The worst that can happen is they tell you they can't. And, quite possibly, they just might start forwarding the mail.

I didn't deal with anyone, in person, except for when I asked the mailman for the form. Other than that, I never dealt with a postal worker...did it all by mail, and it worked!

Let me know if it works, if you decide to try again.

Take care, and things will get better, eventually.

Sincerely,

Kim

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Kim,

Thanks for your reply and your concern. It sounds like you flew in under the radar, and possibly your post office personnel aren't as picky as ours are. I should have just walked in and asked for the change of address thing and walked out, like you did. Instead, I had to go for the details... :huh:

After thinking about it for a little while, I figured that there would be no more personal mail or bills, just her church magazines (which would need to be cancelled)and some random junk mail.

I probably will just leave it like it is. I emailed the executor of her will and let them know. They can do what they want with it. If they do have her mail sent to them, I know they will send anything personal on to me.

It is a really weird deal though.

Thanks again for your response and I'm glad you were able to get your mom's mail.

Martha

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Hi, this is all so hard, isn't it? I just lost Mom December 1, and I am still in shock. Are you any bit better after a month? Its like I am in a fog, can barely drive, actually not even walk straight. It was a sudden illness, of 7 weeks, which was mild and then suddenly severe within a month. She didn't have time to get her power of attorney in place or anything.One day she could talk and plan, and the next not move almost. Very disturbing, and I'm sure everyone here has had similar horrible experiences. Its all a mess. My sister who is cold and unemotional, and I are now trying to get things released to us that she wants us to have, (small things), but the red tape is nuts. I can't even deal. I too felt like I want to clean out my house,(and feel horrified of the htought of everyone going through my personal effects) but I can't, since I am the family historian of sorts, and have lots of memorabilia, pictures, etc. from my Grandparents, and now Mom. Its crazy, and horrifying, the way these things happen. I feel all the things everyone does I guess, which is comforting in a way. Guilt is there, cause I had a disagreement with her in the summer, not big, but I felt a bad attutude for a few months, which wasted time that could have been better. But of course you never know what is coming until it happens.

One thing that helped me with each loss over the past few years, has been to make a photo album of their life, and I was actually doing it for every family member anyway, but once they die, it seems urgent to me to complete. It did help with my Grandmother who I was the closest to, other than Mom. Well good luck to you, and I know how you feel, believe me.

Sandra

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I'm so sorry you lost your mother! It just makes the earth shift under your feet somehow. You asked if I'm better after a month. It seems SO much longer than that. Well, I don't cry in public so much, but I still cry when I'm in my car alone, and in the shower. I cry other times, too, but not as bad. I'm blessed to have a hospice counselor who has really helped me. If you have some sort of counseling available, go for it.

The best advice I can give is to take it easy on yourself (not always easy..), give yourself time, and take care of yourself. Everyone has been telling me to take care of myself, but no one told me how until my counselor said to eat right, rest, and exercise. Makes sense, though sometimes hard to accomplish.

Everyone handles grief differently. Your sister may seem cold and unemotional but she's grieving too, just differently.

Contrary to everything we've been taught all our lives about putting others first, etc., this is a time when we need to be self-focused. You've been through major changes in a short span of time. Cut yourself some slack.

Making the scrapbook of your mom sounds like a wonderful way to "lean into" your pain, feel it, and deal with it. I've started journaling and it has helped.

hugs and prayers,

martha

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