Bad Night

[dpodesta]

I am having a bad night tonight. It started in choir when we were practicing Christmas music. It all started to remind me that Karen won't be here for Christmas. I want her here so bad I just ache inside. It took every ounce of energy to keep from crying. I get home and the tears just won't come. I hate feeling this way and I hate that I have to live the rest of my life without her. I just want to hear her voice, feel her touch, to see her smile just one more time. It is driving me crazy, all I want to do is sleep. I have gone from working until I drop to coming home and not wanting to do anything but watch tv. My life just seems so unimportant anymore, like why am I still here? I am so confused to all of my thought and feelings right now.

Derek

[kayc]

Derek,

I am so sorry. I went through that too. George and I did everything together and we were always together at church. I always sang in everything, the choir, a ladies ensemble, I was on the morning worship team...and he always sat in the pew during my practices and smiled at me...he only had eyes for me. Now I look out over the pews and ours is empty and it's not right, I can't bear to look at it. I have been in church all my life, always been an integral part of it, now I can't bear to even go. I attend a ladies Bible Study in the pastor's home during the week, but I tried going to church for months after George died...I even taught a sunday school class on prayer. But it's just so hard. He's not in the fellowship hall, not in the pew, not in the foyer, he's not anywhere and it doesn't seem right. We went together. We always held hands during church, always exchanged glances, knew what the other was feeling. It's such a hard reminder. Has it been a year for you yet Derek? Everything in the first year seemed like a milestone reminder to me. I can't say the second year is a whole lot better, but at least it's passed all the "firsts without...". The feeling like nothing matters is pretty normal for what you're going through. I hope we all get better, it has to. There's so many people in this world that have been through this and they look like they've somehow managed to continue and rebuild their lives...I know it's not ever the same again and we're all forever changed, but somehow it has to get better than this. Hang in there, Buddy, I've noticed your absence and have wondered what was up, we miss you when you're not here, we need you. Try to keep your chin up...and good luck finding anything to watch on t.v.!

[gabrielle_land]

Hello Derek,

This month and December seem to be so hard... it's like watching the rest of the world from somewhere else, like some kind of film.. people expecting x-mas to come, so cheerful, I feel I just don't belong here. This will be my first x-mas too without Christophe, it's so pianful to just think about it.

I see the x-mas lights, and trees on the stores and I pretend not to see, I'm not even planning anything, just bed and tv.. I no longer care about x-mas/new year anymore, without him they are just one more day... its so sad that the pain of it scares me... I guess this 2 months wont be of any help, but as Kayc told you, things will someday get better for all of us.. and keep on coming and posting, we all miss you around, I was wondering too why you havent posted lately, remember we all love your precense here,

Blessings,

Gaby

[lorikelly]

Derek

I knew something was wrong b/c you haven't been here. i have been thinking of you. i am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. maybe you should not sing in the choir sometimes we have to avoid things that make us really upset. you can still go to church but don't sing. i know that i have to try and avoid things if i can. i can't listen to music b/c for some reason it upsets me. we have to do whatever is good for us .

How is Carson? i know it is hard for him right now also. it is hard to take care of yourself and him when all you want to do is hide yourself under the covers and wish it would all go away. i am happy that you have him because he is the one thing that will get you through this. Remenber he is a part of Karen and she lives on in him.

I wish i could tell you more , i am praying for you. i pray that God will carry you through this. God Bless and know that i am always here for you.

Lori

[chrissy777]

Derek,

I too have missed you on here. I understand. I was walking through Toys r us yesterday and I couldnt beleive they are playing xmas music already. Well that started me thinking about what is to come with the holidays and it left me upset. It will be my first holidays without Jason too. Sure I know it will be my first holidays with the baby too and that is great but it is so bittersweet. I am working on Christmas this year so maybe it will keep my mind occupied. Like Lori said I try to avoid things alot. Not saying thats right for everyone. I hope things get better too like KayC said They have to. Take care and God Bless you and your son

[Charlie]

Derek,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad and we all can relate to that feeling of not belonging to life anymore. People are planning and enjoying life and we just exist, just waiting for the next day to come and hope that the pain will ease a bit, but another day passes and everything is the same, you are still alone, still sad, still empty inside.

It has been 2 years and 2 month now for me and I still do not feel like part of society anymore. I wish I could find my place again, but I just don't feel like I am part of this world anymore, but I am trying real hard to fit in again. I had and I am sure you did too a good marriage and a purpose and what all of us here on this site need to do is find that purpose again. You have a son, make him your purpose to go on.

Good luck to you

Grace

[JennO]

Derek,

Thank gosh you resurfaced...as you can see, we were all concerned for you. I think I went through the exact same thing not too long ago. My perception is that it is our body/emotional subconscious is telling us to keep busy cuz we aren't prepared to deal with the real emotions. It is about 7 mths isn't it? I think I nearly fell apart at 6-9 mths..but not in the way you think. I couldn't cry, I couldn't stop going or watching TV/using the computer because I was afraid what I would feel, I talked about Jeff, but distanced my emotions from the words (like a good memory kind of conversation. I found that forcing myself to clean the house, or go out with a friend, take a walk, etc....helped me spark a new attitude on those particularly hard days.

My friend, we have only just begun this awful journey into widowhood. I think many of us really resist being gentle with ourselves...myself included. I find myself really disconnecting from this site and other grief support when I am beginnning the downward spiral. I am glad you found your way back and hope today is a little better for you...

[dpodesta]

Thank you all of you for your kind words, you all know how to lift someone up. There have been several nights when I wanted to sign on to this site, but I just couldn't get myself up off the couch and wait for the computer to boot up, so I would continue to lay there and watch TV.

The choir for me has always been something I have been involved in, I just can't stay out of it. Luckly for me, the church I go to now is not one that both of us attended in the past so I don't have a certain pew to look at, but I do miss looking out over the congreation and not see her looking back at me. Today has been better, I will just have to wait to see what the next nights bring me. It has only been 7 months for me, so I know I am still going through all of the "Firsts". God bless all of you.

Derek

[spunkye]

Derek - I've missed you too.

I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now.

I keep thinking, for myself, things are going to get better - but I'll be darned if that's what's happening.

Everytime I look at Dick's picture, my heart breaks one more time and I've been on such crying jags!!

A friend of mine who lost her husband a few years ago just sent me a card and she said on it, "It does get better"...I just have to trust that and trust God that He can make something good out of heartache and loss and pain.

Love you, Derek,

Benita

[dpodesta]

I have a lot of pictures around of Karen and I find that it is very hard for me to look at them. I have a picture of Karen and Carson on my desk at work and every now and then I will look at it. When I do look at it and her beatiful smile I just ache inside, so most of the time I am working I am just working around it without really stopping at actually looking at it.

Derek

[chrissy777]

Derek,

I know what you mean. I have pictures everywhere of Jason and I but they are just around. Everytime I stop to look at them I break down. I wouldnt feel right taking them down. So there they are making my heart ache everytime I stop to look at them. I cant wait for the day where Ican look at them and smile instead of feel this emptiness and heartache. Take care and God Bless

[gabrielle_land]

Looking at pictures is painful, it's so painful to watch somebody so healthy and alive, and reminding ourselves it's not so.. I have this Christophe's picture next to my bed.. I took it about a week before he passed away, I see his angelic face as I fall asleep, it does hurt, but then I think I wouldnt be able to stop watching his picture for one night..

*Hugs*

Gaby

[LarrysGirl]

I have Larry's pictures all around me. Where I sit and paint I have a table with a candle and some of his notes to me and his pictures. Yes, it does break my heart but I want to see his face and sometimes I talk to him and tell him how much I miss him. I know everyone here is having a rough time but it is good to know that we can come here and someone will extend a hand and kind words and they do understand exactly what you are feeling. Deborah

[Jamie]

Derek,

I have not been on the site much either and am thinking of actually not coming back....I don't want to do that but in my last post(my one and only original post) if you would like to go there, it tells you why...this isn't the place to say it all again.

I sleep with Herman's picture...on the couch because I still cannot sleep in our bed. Guess that makes me weird. Tomorrow I will have been without Herman for a year and I cannot understand how that is possible...it's like I am floating.

Derek, I didn't mean to talk about myself, I am sorry for that.

I have been worried about you Derek and thinking of you and wishing that I could somehow comfort you, but I know that the comfort needs to come from Karen. Derek, if you can somehow feel this, my arms are around you hugging you with all of my strength.

Much Love, Jamie

[dpodesta]

Jamie,

I have read your original post. I know that this is a difficult descision, and I encougage you not to let go of this site. If you are wanting some privacy from you family, then change your sign in name. There are ways you can do this without letting go of this site. What ever your descision is, may God grant you peace and I hope to see more of you.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Jamie,

I went back and read your posts last night but didn't see anything amiss so I must have missed something somewhere. But like Derek said, please don't let loose of this site, you need the support and we care about you. Please contact Marty, the counselor, and ask her for ideas on how to resolve your dilemma without having to give up this site.

[janieb0828]

Derek your feelings are normal. I am going through the same feelings, I have been out of work for the wreck we were in for 2 months. Now I have been off since Oct. 12th, I just can't seem to get myself back to normal, or some what normal. I miss Mike everyday!!! I know that I will never be the same again. I usually find myself vegged out on the couch, laying in bed, or sitting in a bar drinking away my pain. I am quickly learning that doesn't work, I just wake up with a hangover the next day and still hurt inside.

[jkw]

Jamie: I know it's none of my business, but I have not been on this website for a little over a month now, and I came back tonight, and read your post.

I hope you find a way NOT to leave. You're needed here, even though you don't think you are! We need you. It's a selfish reason, I know, but if you stopped coming here, I don't think it would do you any good at all. Do like Derek said, and use a different name and city, and don't have your password log you in automatically (you know, it says remember my password)

Anyway, I am sorry for butting my nose in where it doesn't belong, but I really hate to see you stop coming. Take a break if you have to, but come back...It helps, more than you realize!

Take care,

Kim

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FOR SOME REASON, THESE TWO POSTS ARE POSTING TOGETHER. I TRIED TO EDIT THEM, BUT IT DIDN'T WORK. SORRY! I AM NOT TOO COMPUTER LITERATE!

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Hi Derek:

I guess we all needed a little break from posting, huh? I know exactly what you mean, when you said life seems so unimportant anymore. I feel that way almost every day.

I told my husband that I had to find something to do that I enjoy, then just dig in and start doing it. The problem is I can't come up with anything right now. Nothing sounds good to me. Maybe someday, just not now.

I hope you're feeling better, and I have missed "talking" to everyone. It's nice to be back!

Take care,

Kim

Edited November 17, 2006 by jkw