Can't Sleep

[dpodesta]

I am sitting here, wanting to go to sleep, otherwise I am going to feel like crap tomorrow. As I sit here and read other's posts, I feel so many different emotions. I read of people who have people in their lives that think they should be over it by now. And it just makes me want to cry and at the same time makes me so angry inside. I am so tired of feeling exashusted. I don't feel like myself anymore, in fact I don't know what that is anymore. I have so many people around me that are there for me when I need them and yet I feel so alone. I hear Carson in the other room sleeping, and I wonder what is going on in his mind. Here he is a 7 year old having to grow up without his mom. What kind of life is that? There is soo much that a mother can give a child that a father can't give. I can't be both. I just can't help but feel he has been short-changed, and it just kills me inside. I just want some relief. There is just so much more going through my mind that I just can't put into words. I just ask God for some peace tonight for me and everyone of you. Even though I feel like I am alone in this I know that there are many of you out there that are feeling the same.

Karen, I miss you soo much and wish you were here.

Derek

[Trudy1964]

Derek,

Your sadness breaks my heart. Carson is so lucky to have you as you are lucky to have Carson. They say God doesn't send us more than we can handle but don't you think sometimes he has our applications mixed up with someone elses. I know what you mean about people being there for you and yet you are alone. I have a wonderful support group. The people I work with, my family, the list goes on. But I just can't make them understand how I feel inside. Grief changes a person. I don't know if we'll ever be the same people we were before loosing our loved ones. I can't wait for the day when my insides smile just like the fake face I put on in the morning. I have read many of your posts. You write so well. I can't think of a place where Carson would be better taken care of. God Bless you and I'll pray for your peace you are asking for.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[chrissy777]

Derek,

Your words hit so close to home for me. I always think what is my son going to do without a father. I feel guilty. I know I shouldnt, but I do. I think a father should be there to do fatherly things for him and he doesnt have one. I look in his face and he is aways smiling and so happy. I dont know how to be both. I guess we cant. All we can do is give them all the love we can give them. Take care and I hope you can sleep better tonight. God bless you and your son.

[kayc]

Derek,

I don't know how it is to raise a child without his mom, but I do know that if anyone can do a good job of it, you can. I understand you think he's being gypped, I'm sure that's the case, but I also know that the hardships that we go through mold and shape us into the beings that we are. I am grateful for the things I have learned in the last 1 1/2 years, yet at the same time I wish I had not had to experience these things...I wish there could have been another way, and everything within me misses George.

I wish you peace and a good night's sleep tonight.

[lorikelly]

Derek

I wish i could help you be right there for you. i can't but pls know that i am always thinking of you and praying for you. i am not sure why these things happen, i wish i had the answers. i can only say that Carson has a wondeful dad and will grow up and be just like you. karen is with you everyday. look at carson and you will see her. I pray that God gives you peace and comfort tonight and always. i think the time of yr is making it some much worse. i wish we could all be together right now. love and prayers. Lori

[Dave]

Derek:

I to have recently lost a wife and my best friend. I hear your pain and understand it. In my case it was just Ann and I along with our two "boys", our two beloved beagles for more than 25 years. It has always been just Ann and I and we thought that was all we needed, each other. Now she is gone and I am left with a huge void in my life. I to am searching for meaning and purpose. I to am tired and exhausted each day and I to have trouble sleeping and finding peace of mind. Each day is about "staying busy" for me. Staying busy in this context is exhausting. I am told there will come a day when I will find purpose and regain my sense of hope and a future without Ann. I believe this, although I do not know when it will come. It has now been almost one year since Ann passed and in reality it has been over a year since we were able to talk to each other as she was in the care of Hospice at our home battling terminal breast cancer. I miss her each and every day and the pain is greatest when I am not "busy". I know in my case that allowing myself to not get enough sleep only adds to the problems I am dealing with. Personally I find that a good exercise routine helps me sleep at night. I also have seen my doctor for some sleep aids when I just can not sleep and I am starting to get run down. You have your son and your love for him and this purpose in your life is something you have and you must focus on. In some ways my two boys provide this to me. I know I need to take care of them and they are the focus of my life and are helping me get through each and every day. Friends are there as well, however as you stated they are there and yet we are alone. It's good people are there, however in the end we must find peace and purpose and move forward. Have faith that the day will come for you as I do that we will find peace and purpose and be able to move on without leaving our love for our special person behind. They were a big part of our lives and that will never change.

A long winded response, however answering your letter has also allowed me to express my fealings and thoughts. All the best Dave

PS:

Ann I miss you and I'm taking care of the "boys" as I told you I would. They miss you as well. We know you are in a better place and one without pain.

[LarrysGirl]

Dave, I was reading your post this morning and saw another person who knows exactly what I am feeling and how hard this journey is. Its just over a year for me losing Larry. We were together over 14 years and we were each others best friends. Even the often times when he was in the hospital, we talked all the time. We just couldn't bear to be apart. I just wanted to say that we also have two beagles, Maggie and Kasey, and they were Larry's love and passion. We enjoyed walking them in this field near our home and now when I drive past I can't even look over there without my heartbreaking. I just wanted to add that I don't feel like myself either, I can't think straight and feel like this must be what its like to be insane because all I know is I've been dropped on another planet where no one understands me. Lucky for you people have been there, because my friends are just too busy for me. They are busily preparing for Christmas, as they should, their lives haven't stopped, just mine. I hope there is a purpose but I'm not sure. I lost my faith when Larry died. I don't know how to do this, I just get up everyday and am surprised I'm still here. Good Luck to you, Debbie

[missingcharlie]

I can tell you that I am now about to go through the 3rd Christmas without my beloved husband, Charlie. I lost him in Nov. 2004, so the first one I really don't remember. The 2nd one I just focused on my grandkids - it was still terribly hard; now I face the 3rd one and yes, I am depressed that he's not here, but I have to admit that it's a little easier this year. I'm hoping this will give you all a little hope for the future. I still miss him so much, but I think I have finally gotten "used" to him not being here. I talk to him alot and I think that helps me. I now can actually smile and chuckle to myself when I think of funny things about him....

I so much hope that all of you will find peace in the near future. We will be here for you, so be sure to come here often!! We're our own little "family", here.

I hope all of you have the best holiday you can! Hugs to all of you!!!!

Patti

[LarrysGirl]

Hey Patti, thanks for the encouragement and I wish the best for you through the holidays. I know you miss Charlie and I hope that you can feel him with you because he is. Debbie

[kayc]

I, too, think it gets somewhat better with time. I still miss George, I always will, no one fills his spot, he was very unique, very special. Now my son or daughter or mom or sister or friends and I share little stories about him and I remember with a smile...somewhat tinged with the pain of missing him. There is such a mixture of pain and emptiness mixed in with the good memories.

[MartyT]

Patti and Kay, thank you. I think it's so important that our members who are a bit further along on this journey occasionally make a point to reassure our newer members that, while the pain of loss never completely leaves us, the intensity of it does lessen over time. We can get so mired down in the hopelessness and despair of grief, and it's only those who've been there, who have the credibility of their own experience with loss, who can convince us that, if they can make it through this, then there is hope that with one another's help, compassion and companionship, the rest of us will make it, too. Bless you both for sharing that hope with us today.

[STARKISS]

Hi Derek,

I am so sorry for all the pain and lack of sleep that you are going through but from what I have read from your posts I can honestly say that you are a great father... I too have not slept well, I may start the night out sleeping but wake up three or four times a night and can not seem to get back to sleep... I also dream about my parents, The doctor has put me on a low dose sleeping pill. I hope this season you and Carson do find some peace Take care Shelley

[spunkye]

Oh Derek, - I can so relate to how you're feeling.

I've been in "the pits" for weeks now...haven't posted much and have stayed in bed for days on end. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone, talk to anyone...it's worse, instead of better (I've said THAT before).

I talked to a friend today and she had me promise to do ONE thing that will help me, every week. I said I could agree to that.

I feel like I'm just rolling around in self-pity. Am I just taking advantage of my circumstances to be miserable? I swear I feel like I should be committed somewhere and just allowed to sit and stare!! I've never been so depressed in my life!

Yesterday I finally was able to see a pastor at a Christian church (I've not been to), who is also a counselor. He was wonderful. He basically gave me some understanding, bible verses, and some glimpses of heaven (in the bible)...gave me the homework of reading Psalm 91 everyday. He also said to wake up to a schedule on a daily basis. ...so what did I do today?...I basically stayed in bed.

God bless us all and heal our hearts...

Love, Benita