Missing Persons

[MikeC]

It has been more than seven weeks since my Janet died. After her death, visits and calls "just checking in" have dropped dramatically. It is not like I have nobody - several friends still drop by, invite me out, or call regularly to check on me. But some people who were very frequent visitors during Janet's illness have seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth - missing persons, so to speak.

One that puzzled me was my sister-in-law, who was married to my older brother who passed away three years ago. After my brother died Janet and I invited her to dinner every week. I thought we had developed a strong bond, even stronger than when my brother was alive. She visited frequently during Janet's final weeks, but since Janet's service I had heard nothing from her until a couple days ago when she left a voice mail message checking in to see how I was doing. Anyway, after several attempts to call her back got no answer, I emailed her and told her that I was struggling with the loss of Janet and also invited her to dinner. She sent a reply saying she had not called or dropped by because the thought that Janet would not be here was unbearable.

The more I think about this the more it hurts. After losing her husband she should know how unbearable it is for me that Janet is not here. It also reinforces my belief that for some people I am basically just a reminder that Janet is gone.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Mike

[Dusky]

Mike C,

Just a few days ago I answered a post by Jan Thurman entitled "Why does it feel like its getting worse and not better." I copied and pasted Chapter Nine from the book I recently wrote "Finding My Banana Bread Man " http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ - and I think this same Chapter relates to the post you have written here. You may want to check out my response in that post - and Chapter from my book. It speaks about the same sense of abandonment that we can face from individuals who were seemingly close during our loved ones illness but who vanish as we start the grieving process after our loved one is gone.

I know the pain of what you describe - and hope this helps.

Peace,

John - Dusky is my handle on here.

Love you Jack

[LarrysGirl]

Gosh Mike, thats the million dollar question... where is everybody?? Unfortunately we all here on this site will experience this and I don't have any good answer. I went thru all the emotions of anger, sadness and utter disbelief. People that would call often to check on Larry have completely fallen off the face of the earth. For me, almost three years, nothing shocks me anymore. People don't even say his name. So sad. I'm sorry you also are having to go thru this. Deborah

[fred]

MikeC I am truly sorry for all of your losses, and I have given some of these questions a great deal of thought. For a lot of the people outside our world, those that do not have to deal with our 24/7 experience of loss all of the time, our existance can be unsettling. When they see us they are faced with an unavoidable reminder of the impermance of life. Not only that they will not live forever, but the understanding that they may at some time be walking in our shoes themselves, or have in the past. This is frightening, to some, we are the walking dead; not in their world, but not out of it either. By now you know that there is not much, if anything, that can be said that will make anything easier for you. If they know anything of the grieving process, it is this, that it is always difficult to relate to someone in your position when the best they can offer is ¨Seen any good movies, lately?¨ Give them time, good friends will be back, you can go after the ones you feel you need right now, it will be easier for them. Your sister-in-law is another matter. She KNOWS how bad it is for you right now. And though you are also a reminder to her of loss and grief, you need to know that she is probably still grieving your brothers death, just as you will be still grieving Janet in three years. Grief is not always a simple one year, bang it is over process. It is complicated and as you read more and more here, it sometimes goes on for many years. Think for a minute about some people that never remarry. Obviously they were happily married once, but for some reason, they can´t or won´t try again. Your sister-in-law may also be concerned about the fact that you are a widower and she is a widow (I hope you understand my hint). If you need her help or guidance, maybe it would be easier to stick to email or the phone, since that is how she felt she needed to ask how you were. Let her ask to get together over coffee or whatever. Since she uses email, is she also aware of this site. If you wouldn´t mind that she might be looking over your shoulder, you might want to make her aware of it. Good luck Mike, none of this is easy. Just take care of yourself!

[mlg]

Mike,

I think most of us here have had somewhat the same experience. You can choose to do one of two things. You can sit and wait for them to come or you can go out and make new friends. My sister-in-law sat and expected everyone to come to her and became depressed. I decided I wasn't going to do that. I was depressed, sad, hurt, and confused but I wasn't going to get totally down. I joined a grief support group at our local hospital and we meet twice a month. From that I have made several new friends and we have done things together. It's nice because when one of us is having a bad day the others understand and will hold our hand, give us a hug or just let us cry. That happened yesterday after I finally ordered Tom's headstone. In fact 2 of my new friends came by and I just was really down because it was just something else smacking me in the face to say he's gone and not coming back.

I guess what I'm saying is only you can decide what and when you're going to do it but you can't always rely on the past. It may be that they are grieving in their own way and "never" again or a least not as often will the two meet.

Here's to finding new friends.

Mary Linda

[MikeC]

John, you have described many of my feelings about abandonment by friends in I Became Their Greatest Fear. This verse rings true for me:

Those who do not understand

Have not been to this dark land

When they could not see you here

I became their greatest fear

Deborah, it has been less than 2 months since Janet died, and hardly anybody mentions her name now. Some people seem a little uncomfortable when I bring her up in conversation. Not everybody, though - I still have a small core of friends who don't shy away from her mention. I am not surprised that people who were primarily Janet's friends don't came around much, but there are a few that I thought were close to me, too, that have surprised me with their absence. On the other hand, there are a couple of folks I didn't know very well who have really stepped up.

Fred, my sister-in-law is actually seeing someone again and has even mentioned marriage, though I am sure she still grieves the loss of my brother. I don't know that I need her help or guidance, but I think it would have been nice if she had called or dropped by to see how I was doing.

Mary Linda, thanks for your comments. I think I should look into a grief support group, and I believe our local hospice has one. For some reason I've been putting off contacting them about it, I don't know why.

Thanks, everybody.

Mike

[JeanneC]

Mike

I know how you feel and it could get very lonely and depressed when this happens. People that you thought were your freinds turn out to be different and there are others that somewhat surprise you.

Alex and I had not children. We were married for 15 years and together for 20. His sisters live in Texas and New Mexico and most of our families and friends are spread all over the country. But there is one cousin and his wife who I thought were close to us. We would see them occasionally and on holidays and other functions. We would speak regularly though.

When Alex had his heart attack, he was hospitalized for 5 months in critical condition. During those 5 months maybe I saw them 7 times. They live 10 minutes from the hospital. I used to sit there alone for hours while my husband was in a coma, eventually he came out of the coma. Alex's sisters came from out of town, but could only stay for a couple of weeks and then would come back again, but of course call every day. But to be at the hospital sometimes 24 hours listening to the doctors tell you things that you don't understand and having to deal with that is horrible. After Alex passed, his cousins never called me, knowing that I live alone. There are friends that do check up on me and I see from time to time.

One of our good friend sent me this the other day. Maybe this will help:

There comes a point in your life when you realize

who matters,

who never did,

who won't anymore...

and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,

there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Give your heart to everyone you don't want to lose in 2008

'Be kinder than necessary

because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

Love and God Bless

Jeanne

[Jan Thurman]

It seems like everyone has the same feeling. At the time that this all happened everyone says anything you want done we'll do it, just call. But being that you never here from these people again (and they are relatives of my late husbands) you do not feel like calling and asking them to do anything. His sister lives across the road from me and has never come over to see how I am doing. My husbands brother and wife who we always had to dinner and went over their place to dinner and also out with them to different places have never invited me over for dinner. I have seen them once in the 5 months he has been gone. They live about 15 minutes away. They do call, but I can't understand why I don't see them. They are retired and I work so they have more time than I do to stop by. Also my husbands cousin and husband live down the street and they would stop by when my husband was alive have never stopped by or called. His other cousin and his wife that we used to go out with have never called or stopped by to see how I'm doing. If it wasn't for my daughter and family living on the next property I think I would be totally alone accept for my support group and this web page. The people that I do hear from that live in California, whereas I live in Oregon, are my husbands children who I have always been very close to and his ex-wife. We stayed friends as he had 4 chhildren at the time of his divorce and I always wanted him to stay close to them. They all live in the same town in California so it made it easy to always see all of them when we visited. His ex-wife and I are always e-mailing each other and so are the children. At the time this happened they were all here for me for 2 weeks and thanked me for giving their dad a great life. So I guess this happens to everyone for some reason so we shouldn't take it too personal. Jan

[KathyG]

Jan said:

It seems like everyone has the same feeling. At the time that this all happened everyone says anything you want done we'll do it, just call. But being that you never here from these people again (and they are relatives of my late husbands) you do not feel like calling and asking them to do anything.

Not only do we not call these people because they don't check in with us; sometimes when we DO get up the courage to ask for help, they don't want to give it. When my husband died, many people told me that any time I needed to talk, needed something done around the house or wanted to get out for awhile, I should call. But when I DID call some of them, they told me they were too busy, already had other plans, were late for a dinner party, etc. All kinds of excuses.

I understood that they have their own lives and didn't expect them to drop everything when I called. But I try to be as independent as I can, and I wouldn't have called in the first place if I didn't really need their help. I hoped that if they were busy when I called, they would maybe suggest a different day or time when they'd be available. (That's what I would do if I were them.) But they didn't offer any alternatives - and they sounded relieved that their other obligations got them off the hook from their promises to help.

So I concluded that their offers were just empty words. I won't call on any of those people again. And sadly, now I feel I can't trust anyone who says "call me anytime," except for a couple of friends who have never let me down.

[kayc]

Mike,

I don't know the answer but I sure know you aren't alone in your experience. That's one of the reasons I ended up remarried...I was so incredibly lonely...everyone from the church, our friends, they all just disappeared. The only one that seemed to be around was John, who was a friend of George's. After we married, he immediately moved back to his old city, leaving me alone. People fault me now for remarrying, yet where were they all when I needed them? Where are they all now, as I am still alone? People I had been there for, all...gone.

You are not just a reminder of your wife, but for some reason your sister in law can't seem to get past that...undoubtedly she is struggling as your wife's passing probably brought up reminders of losing her husband. All I can say is, we are here, you can talk to us any time.

KayC

[JoeA]

Mike -

I just had a dsicussion with my counselor about this. What I have had to do is two things. First, let go of all expectations I had about support from friends and family. Let go of the disappointment too. Just let it go. Second, watch and listen carefully to others and open myself up to unexpected sources of support. It will happen. It has for me. I have met people just recently with whom I had no connection, and they have been amazing sources of support. Have hope,

Peace

- Joe

[MikeC]

Wow, I appreciate all your words of support, but at the same time I am so sorry that so many of you have experienced this sense of abandonment, too. I have gotten support from unexpected sources, as well.

I want to tell you about my experience at work yesterday. I teach at a small college and it was the first day of class. When I returned to my office after my last class I saw my friend Joe, who used to teach in my department but left for another job about 4 years ago. He lost his wife to lymphoma over three years ago, shortly before Janet was diagnosed. He has been in frequent contact with me mostly via email throughout Janet's illness and since her death. Anyway, we talked for a couple of hours about our common losses and how our lives were turned upside down, etc. When Joe's wife died I went to her wake but out of ignorance didn't follow up with support like he has for me. As I have written before, I had experienced the loss of several family members but had no idea how devastating the loss of a husband or wife could be. I apologized for not being a better friend to him. I am thankful he is still my friend.

I am also thankful that I found this place with such gentle, compassionate souls. I feel welcome and unafraid to talk about nearly any problem I am having. I just wish I was better at offering meaningful words of encouragement to you all, as well.

I have contacted my local hospice about a bereavement support group. Apparently they do not have such a group, but they do offer a bereavement class. I don't yet have any details about how it works, but I have a feeling it is not like a support group. I'd really like to interact (in person) with others who have lost spouses. I guess you all will have to be my support group.

Mike

[MartyT]

We can do that, Mike, and we will. This support group may be a virtual one, but it is just as valid, just as real, just as valuable as any "in person" group. It is, after all, what we the members make of it, just like any other group. It is a reflection of the people who are part of it, and I know from my own experience here that the people on this site are very special indeed.

[shhh65]

Marty,

I feel blessed to have found this group. I attend a local grief support group which meets 2 times a month. I needed more than that especially in the beginning. I was so alone even though I have a wonderful family and friends. When I googled grief support and found this website at first I thought maybe it wasn't for me. Most of the posts were by people who had lost their spouses to an illness and I thought they wouldn't relate since my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. But I was wrong. It is sad but true, we all have a lot in common even though we are also very different. Heartache seems to be our common denominator. I come here almost daily. Sometimes I read and pray for those who are hurting. And sometimes I post when I feel the need to express myself no matter what time of day or night knowing someone will "hear" me and truly understand. I want you to know that I am very grateful for this site and your support.

Sherry

[mlg]

Mike if they don't have an actual grief support group is there a group call Theos there? It is for people who have lost a spouse. The one here seems to do a lot of socializing but most of the people have been in it for 4 or 5 years. Just another thought. Hope you find something to ease your pain.

Mary Linda

[JeanneC]

Mike

Like you, I am happy that I found this group. Even though you wish you could give support to others, just talking about your own experiences and listening to others helps. When Alex first passed I thought that this just only happened to me. Now, I am not ignorant, but when you lose a spouse it is so devastating. Losing anyone is. I lost my mom and dad and it was tough. But I have to say that I can feel that losing Alex will take a very long time for me to feel like I am whole.

Love and God Bless

Jeanne

[mlg]

Jeanne,

Like you I had lost my dad which at the time, I thought was the worse thing in the world. Little did I know that 18 years later I would lose the love of my life and it was a GAZILLION times worse. I don't know that this hole in my heart will ever fill in. I laugh and at the same time my eyes fill with tears missing him. I don't think my emotions quite know what to do so they just mix it up.

"They" say that we'll all make it through and I guess we'll just hope they are right.

Mary Linda

[JeanneC]

Yes Mary Linda, we will make it through. If we don't then we will just be miserable for the rest of our lives. We will never forget and I don't want to. I just don't want to grieve and agonize any more. A lot of my agonizing is me reliving Alex's time in the hospital. I know that it will pass and that I can start remembering the good times.

I talk to two friends of mine that have lost their spouses about 13-15 years ago. One has remarried. They both give me great advice, but I feel that I am having them relive old memories of their loved ones. They tell me no, but who knows. I know they are both happy, but we must give it time. Like they both told me it does take time. There is no time period on grieving.

Love and God Bless

Jeanne

[kayc]

Mike,

I live in a small town, far away from the city, and we don't have a grief support group either, so this has been my "support group" and I seriously doubt any other could have done so well for me. It is actually very handy that we can come on line any time of the day or night, and there is one of our "family" there to support us. Sometimes just seeing the names of who is there reading at the bottom of the screen is enough for me, it makes me feel not so alone.

You will get through this, all of us together.

[Dusky]

Yes Mary Linda, we will make it through. If we don't then we will just be miserable for the rest of our lives. We will never forget and I don't want to. I just don't want to grieve and agonize any more. A lot of my agonizing is me reliving Alex's time in the hospital.

Jeanne

JeanneC,

In your message above, you touched on what has been for me the most difficult part of this grief process - and that is - the memories and images of my Jack being ill and blind. They have been the most haunting aspect of moving through grief. However, for me, it was the fact that he had to endure total blindness in addition to the illness which was the most difficult to watch - and now the most difficult to remember. Even three years later the images can haunt me. However as time passes more and more of the images of a healthy Jack reach the surface. I've come to look at this process as a pot of homemade soup. When you first begin making your soup it is nothing more than individual ingredients each with their own distinct taste. Perhaps there are some ingredients that when tasted in its raw form are actually unpleasant. However you know that once cooked even these unpleasant ingredients will make the whole pot better.

So it is with our grief - and those particularly nasty images of illness and in my case blindness. Once it is sufficiently blended with the rest of our loved ones life it gradually takes on a different flavor. Out of Jack's blindness I saw the true essence and spirit of a magnificent man. I stated in my book "Finding My Banana Bread Man" ( http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ )the following "By failing to partake in and witness Jack's illness, many people lost out on an amazing opportunity to experience the extraordinary individual he was, because his true essence became most apparent in the closing days of his life." Jacks illness and blindness has in effect been that ingredient that when taken by itself does not taste good - but when blended in the soup of his life showed me the best of what he was.

As I indicated in the book, "As difficult as his illness was for me, I am grateful I did not miss one day, one instant, or one heartache of it. Witnessing and directly participating in this process was what later allowed me to heal."

My home made soup is still cooking - and that ingredient that by itself is so unpleasant - will greatly effect the end result of my soup.

My life is still cooking - and the illness, blindness and death of Jack which was so unpleasant to watch - will greatly effect the end result of my life.

JeanneC - Just as you still agonize about reliving Alex's time in the hospital - I do as well for Jack in relation to his illness and blindness. However, when looked at it as a "pot of homemade soup" somehow I am able to better deal with it all.

My best to you an all who visit and participate on this site. What a wonderful place this has become.

John - Dusky is my handle on here.

Love you Jack

[WendyJ]

Sherry you would be surprised at how many of us lost our spouses very unexpectedly, it is not as uncommon here as you think, and I am one of them.

Love,

Wendy

[JeanneC]

Thank you John for enlightening me. I am sorry that Jack had to suffer his illness while being blind.

As you have said that you are grateful that you did not miss one day, one instant, or one heartache of Jack's illness, must be a comfort to you. I have no regrets whatsoever that I was there every day for Alex. It might not seem like a long time that Alex was sick, 5 months, but it was just that it was a continuous 5 months - with ups and downs. It wasn't that he was in constant pain or much pain at all, but it was the torture of him being in a bed and not able to move. I don't know if I could have taken it if he died instantly. All he wanted was to come home and I feel bad that I was not able to give him that. I think what bothers me most is the finality of it. Even though he did not pass instantly; when he finally did it felt instant.

John, I always like to read your posts. You seem to know how to express your feelings to others to help us better understand what we are going through.

In fact everyone that posts here has been wonderful and has helped me get through this day by day.

Love and God Bless

Jeanne

[mlg]

Dusky

When I read your post today I am reminded a story of two men in the hosp. One was by the window and the other across the room. They talked often and the man across the room asked what do you see out the window? And the man would reply with glowing visions of a beautiful blue sky with a few clouds. Flowers and children in the park and other wonderful scenes. One day the man across the room woke and discovered that the man by the window had died so he asked if he could be moved over by the window. The nurse obliged but when he looked out the window all there was, was a brick wall. The man said something to the nurse and she said, Yes, John was blind but he always had a beautiful picture in his heart and shared it with everyone. Maybe your Jack did the same thing.

I too would not trade a moment of being with Tom his last 4 1/2 months but I have guilt at times that I didn't lay there with him his ENTIRE last day. I thought maybe he needed time to himself even though he didn't tell me that. I laid there most of the day but now wish I had only gotten up when absolutely necessary. I don't know why we all beat ourselves up about these type of things but it seems that we do so it must be part of the whole process too.

Right now I am agonizing whether to go see a friend of ours who was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer also. He was to have a Whipple procedure tomorrow but they have said he is too weak. When I went to see him 2 weeks ago he was pretty good. Now I don't know whether to go see him again or not. It is really hard but I did it before to let him know that I was there for him. Now I'm afraid that when he sees me he'll only think of Tom and maybe it will not be good for him to think about the quick way this disaese took him away from us. I guess eventually my heart will let me know what to do.

Mary Linda

[Dusky]

Mary Linda,

Thank you for the beautiful story about the two men in the hospital. I remember reading this story some time ago and its wonderful to be reminded of its significance in relation to my Jack. I have no doubt that due to his wonderfully positive and in moment approach to life that he did see beautiful things in his minds eye. Oh sweet of you to remind me of this story. - Thank you.

As for your dilemma - visit your friend with pancreatic cancer or not? You have told me what you believe his reaction might be if he sees you. However, have you considered what his reaction might be if you do not go to visit him? I would suggest that visiting this man will have long lasting positive effects for you and shorter (yet sweet) effects for this man. Not visiting him will not change the outcome. I say go.

John - Dusky is my handle on here.

Love you Jack

[WendyJ]

Mary Linda please go see him. I never did go see my boss Les that one last time in the hospital as he was dying of Pancreatic Cancer and I regret it to this day. We had already said our goodbyes and he made me promise to quit smoking which I did within 5 months after he died in 2001 but I regret with all my heart that I did not go see him one last time.

Love,

Wendy