Anyone Have An Answer For Me

[Jan Thurman]

I have never been a religious person. But it seems that when you have such a tradegy in your life like losing a husband of 40 years that you seem to turn that way because you are looking for an answer. In every thing that I seem to read and also in the book that I was told to start reading (You're Late Again Lord) it talks about the plan that God has in store for you. Why I get so upset is that I was completely happy with my old plan - being with the love of my life until we were, say, 90 years old (not just 60). So why take my wonderful plan away and make me so miserable because He has a plan for me and I must not be impatient I have to wait and see what it is. I was completely happy being married, in my cozy little house, with my cozy little life, and my wonderful husband so why make me so miserable and make my cozy little house cold and my cozy little life upside down and take my wonderful husband which leaves a great big hole inside me that I feel will never heal. Does anyone have an answer for me. Thank you. Jan

[LarrysGirl]

Sorry, Jan, no answer here. God and I aren't on speaking terms anymore. What was his plan for my Larry, to die???? Hmm, no offense to those who still have their faith and I don't want to debate that topic either. We have all to cope in our own ways. Hope you get a better answer from the others because I'm with you, I don't understand. Deborah

[MikeC]

Jan, I struggle with that particular question and the general religion issue all the time. Like you, I am not a religious person. My Janet was a very active member of a church and lived an exemplary life. I envy people of faith who have a very real belief that they will see their departed loved ones one day, but I have trouble accepting the concept of a god who supposedly loves each and every one of us, yet permits his children to suffer and die horrible deaths. I have been told that mere mortals are not meant to understand God's Plan. I surely don't understand it, but I am sure I don't like it.

The day after Janet died I ran into one of her teacher friends, also a “Christian,” at a local supermarket. I told her that Janet had passed away the night before. After conveying her condolences she said, "I'm not worried about Janet - I'm worried about you. Janet's faith will get her through. If you don't have faith, then get some!"

That really stunned me. There I was, with my reason for living gone, having spent the last 3 years caring for her and the last 6 weeks providing round-the-clock caregiving. I poured my heart and soul into attending to Janet and making her as comfortable as possible. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but I was able to continue on because of our abiding love for each other. How could anyone be so insensitive? I held my tongue and didn't tell her what I thought of her advice. I think I acted more like a Christian than she, the professed Christian, did.

Still, like I said earlier, I wish I had the hope of seeing Janet again. That would be such a great comfort. I just can't believe it at this point.

Mike

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I doubt if there is a person among us who hasn’t asked these same questions: Where is God in all of this? And if the agony of grief is part of God’s plan for me, then I don’t want any part of it! Is there some master plan that controls the events in our lives? (I think of the song, If I Were a Rich Man and that scene in Fiddler On the Roof, where Tevya raises his fists to the heavens and asks his God, “Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan, if I were a wealthy man?!”)

I struggle with those same questions myself, and I certainly don’t claim to have the answers. Like Deborah, I don’t want to enter into a debate on the subject either – but I will support completely your right to ask the questions!

Here is what I do know: The explosive emotions of grief (crying out in anguish, “Why me? Why my beloved? Why now? How could this happen? It isn’t fair! I hate this!”) are normal and necessary reactions that must be expressed, not repressed or denied. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and to express those feelings, even if they are not logical. The thinking part of us knows that illness, pain, suffering and death are an intrinsic part of being human, but when the one we love is taken from us, we see it as a sign that something has gone terribly wrong. It is only human to rail against this horrible injustice, to feel overwhelming feelings of pain, helplessness, frustration, hurt and fear, and to scream at the heavens, “Why?!” Such feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad – they just are. And they certainly do serve to let us know we’ve sustained an injury that needs attention and nurturing.

I know right now you’re struggling with all those “Why” questions, but that is an essential part of the mourning process, as you search for meaning in your losses. It’s been said that life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved. You are not alone in your search. We all struggle with those questions, and we’re all looking for meaning as we help each other come to terms with our own losses.

In my own search for answers and for meaning in the losses I’ve endured, I find it helps to read the observations of other bereaved individuals, as I often find so much wisdom and comfort in their words. Here are just a few examples that make sense to me:

. . . Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life. We can't explain it any more than we can explain life itself. We can't control it, or sometimes even postpone it. All we can do is try to rise beyond the question, "Why did it happen?"and begin to ask the question,"What do I do now that it has happened?"

-- Harold S. Kushner, in When Bad Things Happen to Good People

I am a parent twice bereaved. In one thirteen-month period I lost my oldest son to suicide and my youngest son to leukemia. Grief has taught me many things about the fragility of life and the finality of death. To lose that which means the most to us is a lesson in helplessness and humility and survival. After being stripped of any illusions of control I might have harbored,I had to decide what questions were still worth asking. I quickly realized that the most obvious ones -- Why my sons? Why me? – were as pointless as they were inevitable. Any appeal to fairness was absurd. I was led by my fellow sufferers, those I loved and those who had also endured irredeemable losses, to find reasons to go on. Like all who mourn I learned an abiding hatred for the word "closure," with its comforting implications that grief is a time-limited process from which we will all recover. The idea that I could reach a point when I would no longer miss my children was obscene to me and I dismissed it. I had to accept the reality that I would never be the same person, that some part of my heart, perhaps the best part, had been cut out and buried with my sons. What was left? Now there was a question worth contemplating.

-- Gordon Livingston, MD, in Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart

For a long time I was obsessed with why [my son] Mitch had ended his life. I thought that I needed to discover the real cause of his hopelessness. I studied and analyzed what I believed to be his suicide note . . . Finally, I perceived that a death by suicide is a result of factors too numerous to count. I wanted to know why, but I didn't have to have an answer in order to go on living my own life. Even the most experienced and astute investigators are finally forced to make what at best is only an educated guess. It is important, however, to ask why. It is important to worry about why, because one finally exhausts possibility after possibility and ultimately one tires of the fruitless search. Then it is time to let it go and to start healing.

-- Iris Bolton in My Son...My Son: A Guide to Healing After a Suicide in the Family

The “if-onlys” are natural for you to explore, even if there is no logical way in which you are responsible for the death. What you’re really feeling, at bottom, is a lack of control over what happened. And accepting that we have little control over the lives of those we love is a difficult thing indeed. – Alan D. Wolfelt, in Understanding Your Grief, p. 38

My children asked me, “Why did Dad die?”

I told them, “It was an accident. There are small accidents, like knocking over your milk at the dinner table. And there are large accidents, like the one your dad was in. No one meant it to happen. It just happened. And his body was too badly damaged in the accident for his soul to stay in it anymore, and so he died.

“God does not spill milk. God did not bash the truck into your father’s car. Nowhere in scripture does it say, ‘God is car accident’ or ‘God is death.’ God is justice and kindness, mercy, and always – always – love. So if you want to know where God is in this or in anything, look for love.” – Kate Braestrup, in Here If You Need Me, pp. 187-189

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.

– Anne Morrow Lindbergh

[Rosemary T]

Hi Jan,

I also have never considered myself "religious" but I did think I was "spiritual". Like you and others who express a "bewilderment" of it all, I question God all the time now. I sure don't feel very "spiritual" or feel like I have any "faith" anymore. I find myself praying and then just begging to hear or feel something so that I can go back to believing that everything will work for the good and that there is a purpose for all of this grief and hurting.

I keep telling myself that I have no right to question the ALMIGHTY and that I should be ashamed to think that I have any way of understanding one who is OMNIPOTENT.

Again, I have to thank you (as I have so many others on this site) for expressing EXACTLY what I feel. It gives me more comfort than you can imagine to know that I am not alone in my feelings about a GOD that I once thought I knew, loved, and understood. I can only do this one day at a time and reading posts like yours help me to know that there are many of us in this together and feeling the same thing.

Take care!

Rosemary

[PattyAnn]

Jan,

Well said. I feel very similarly to you. I have sporadically gone to church this last year seeking comfort,hope, and answers to my deep despair and grief, but it (religion) just didn't seem to make sense to me or ring true for me. God's plan...hmmmm. All I know is marrying my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me and his death was the worst things that has happened to me. It's like every cell of my body grieves for him.

I have no answers either, other than to just endure day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and hope that someday I will come to some type of understanding for myself. I don't think it's an understanding that anyone can teach me. I have to find my own way. I read. I listen. I think. I endure. I hope. I cry. I don't know what else to do other than that.

Thanks for expressing your feelings about religion. It really hit home for me!

Pat

[fred]

Okay Jan, Good question. Tough question. This is my third attempt to respond to you, let´s see if the computer will allow me to finish this time. Let me turn the question around if I may. I do think of myself as a religious person (though I certainly haven´t always been this way). I know some of the Bible fairly well and the Gospels, quite well. I average about two services a week through most of the year and almost live in Church during Holy Week. My wife was far more religious than I and had been since childhood. She knew the Bible forwards and backwards and lived its teachings to the fullest. She even lived in a monastery for a couple years while hiding out after leaving the abusive husband of her first marriage and attended services with the brothers around the clock. So if this is what God wants of us, why didn´t he answer my prayer to trade places with her in that filthy, hospital emergency room? And because he didn´t am I supposed to stop believing in him now? You weren´t religious before and you had everything, do you expect to understand it all now that you are ready to ask the first question? Religion, faith, God... it isn´t about answers or services or institutions or God´s plan for your life. It is about love. You knew that during your marriage; now you are ready to learn all of the other things that love means. Loving yourself and showing that you do by taking care of yourself, loving others in all the ways you can; being here to give comfort and support to others, showing compassion, and caring for those in need. I don´t know that there is a plan, or if it has changed or not. I THINK the reason I am still here is because my work isn´t finished yet. There are still things that I need to do, that I need to learn before it is my turn to be released from the suffering we often call life here. The best of what we experience here may be the least of what heaven has to offer.

[kath]

Dear Jan,

I feel your pain and I wish I had some answers, for all of us. I am totally faithful to my God, yet entirely human and full of error. I sat at Easter Mass this past year and contemplated the risen Christ. The immensity of it all normally fills me with joy and awe. This year I was grieving Bob and I wondered "what if it isn't real. What if it is a story that has been passed down through generations and it isn't real." That would mean I would never see my loving husband again and the pain of that was too much to bear. It is understandable to question and wonder about the injustice and to want to scream and give up on having any faith whatsoever. But, for me, I am not strong enough to go it alone. I had faith in my marriage when it was the most difficult, and I had faith I could get through this time without going back to drugs and alcohol, and I have faith that my kids and I will be okay again and I believe it is an easier road than if I didn't.

[kayc]

Wow, you guys' responses are all so good! Marty, you gave us a lot of help with your post. Mike, your wife's friend was totally inappropriate with her response, that didn't even dignify worthy consideration! Some people ought to stay home rather than open their mouths! Anyway, unfortunately, most of us have run in to one or two of them. Jan, I was like you that first year, I was angry at God and didn't understand why I had to lose my George when he was barely 51! How could that "be a plan"! And I had always been close to God, but after that I found it hard to pray (ME, someone who TAUGHT prayer!). It's not that I didn't believe in God any more, but rather that He could be over there and I'd be right here and that would suit me just fine. With time my anger began to subside and I realized He was still there and wanting to go through this WITH me. He understood my anger and all that I was going through. I'm not one of those people who ascribe to the "everything happens for a reason" theory, but rather we can look to learn what we can from what we go through. I have seen immense lessons learned from the grieving process. I still don't WILL that it should have happened, but I do want to allow myself growth from it. To do otherwise would mean that all that I have been through as a result of George's death, would be in vain. The same is true for other parts of my life. I am going through some really super hard places right now...I don't know why, I don't even begin to understand and I must admit, I don't like it any, but I do hope God helps me grow and learn from it and if He can use me in any way as a result, more power to Him!

The cliches people give others are usually best not given.

[JeanneC]

I guess I am outnumbered here. But Alex and I were never really religious. We were brought up Roman Catholic and we got married in Church. But I can truthfully say that we both were not church goers. I believed and believe in God more than Alex. I don't know what happened, but it seems that a whole new meaning of my religion and god overwhelmed me. When Alex passed away I knew in my heart that God was saving him. I had many discussion with a hindu nurse that took care of Alex on many ocassions. She was very insightful and helped me understand how God feels about all of us. Even at the very end before Alex passed she had a conversation with him and he had told her that he made peace with God. I believe that God has saved my husband (and me) from a life of pain and suffering. He suffered for 5 months in the hospital without ever getting out of bed. His heart had only a 10 - 15% capacity. He definitely needed a transplant. Most patients waiting for a transplant, don't make it. If he was on a list (which the doctors were trying to get him on) he would have to stay close to the hospital or in that hospital that was performing the transplant. In the meantime waiting in the hospital all that time, can cause more infections. The wait can be 1-2 years. In his case, which I was told, would be less though. He was on a ventilator and a feeding tube. The last week of his life he was able to eat, which gave us hope. He was alert and conscious and was able to talk and write. If anyone knew Alex, would understand that he never wanted to live a life like that. He would say things like, and pardon me for this "shoot me know". Alex also told me that he thought that this was not a life for me. I personally would have taken care of him in any condition that he was in.

So, how I feel, even though I miss him terribly, god has freed him of all the pain and machines that he was hooked up to. I was always afraid of dying, but I know in my heart that when I die I will see Alex again. I truly believe he is waiting for me, but wants me to have a good life.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[teny]

Hellow my friend Im so sorry to tell you that Im suffering with thesame whys and strugle with faith.I was happy with my life and had a lot of dreams to spend retirement and some days withno worries.I just hate that plan that GOD had for me for all of us here.I do understand .Your far away friend .TENY

[Jan Thurman]

Thank you all for trying to answer my question. I know this is a hard subject to talk about and I hope I didn't upset anyone. I will take all of your views on the subject and have them try to help me through this deep dark hole they call grief. I will continue to read the book I was told to read and see if that sheds any light on the subject. I feel all of your pain as I know you all feel mine. This is a journey I never thought I would be on until (like I said before) in our 80's or 90's but I am and I must get through it somehow. My support group starts again on November 5th right before my husbands birthday on the 8th so I am looking forward to that. This is my 3rd session. Thank you all again for taking the time to answer my post. Jan

[kayc]

Jeannie,

I feel as you do...but at first I felt angry and distant from God. It took me a while to process George's death and to realize that God spared him a lot of pain and misery...he also would not have wanted to have lived as an invalid and his heart was damaged and couldn't be repaired. I guess if I have a question, it's why it had to happen at all, but I've learned not to ask futile questions I can't get answers to.

[WendyJ]

I know for me before Steve's passing I was not as religious as some, believed and prayed in my own way. After Steve was taken from me I was very angry with God, especially as there are many people in this world that I believe should not be here and good people like him were taken.I do know that I was brought together with some wonderful friends I never would have met here and my new love of my life Derek. I truly do believe now things are planned and do happen for a reason even though we do not feel they are fair or understand them at first. I no longer question the why's and am just thankful for what I have now and the promise of a new family to love and be a part of.

Love Always,

Wendy

[JeanneC]

Kay:

I know what you are saying - Why did it have to happen at all. My husband was at fault in that respect, I have to admit. He ate good, stopped eating meat and ate very healthy but smoked and knew there was a problem with his leg and did not want to go to the doctor, when I begged him to. One of his doctors said that you cannot force someone to go to the doctor if they don't want to. I think that if I forced him to go and this happened, I definitely would not have forgiven myself. I just will never know. And, the would of and could ofs will just get to you. I just hope that we all can live with the decisions we made or didn't make, because this is the way it was suppose to be. I trully think that our lives are planned out for us.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne