If We Had 5 Minutes....

[marsha]

If we had 5 minutes to speak to our spouses again, what would we say? Joe and I started and ended each day by saying "I love you". I never took for granted that he would always be with me.. but one is never prepared. I went through a mountain of guilt during his 4 months of cancer, and after. So I guess I would first ask him, are you happy? Is it ok? Then I would do like I did every night, body hug him, kiss his eyes, and say "I love you more than anything". What would you say? Hugs, Marsha

[LarrysGirl]

Hi Marsha, I saw your post earlier but had to step back a minute and think. For the 2nd anniversary of Larry's death I made a video of our life together and the music was the song "One More Day". Each time I watch that my heart yearns for him, just for a moment. Like your said, I would want to put my hand on his face and look into his eyes. Just to hear his voice once again, to be able to say I love you another million times, it makes me cry just to think about it. I miss him and I know you miss Joe so much. We were also a couple who always said I love you many many times a day. Take care, Deborah

[laurieb]

Hi my Virginia and NC friends,

I too often think of this and join you both in the fact that we NEVER got off the phone or left one another without a heartfelt I love you. I believe in my heart that he is at peace and happy. My journey is to find that peace and serenity here with out him. My chore ever day is to realize that he wants me happy and at peace and that he is here with me in spirit. Our love transends life and even though he will not be here to share many physical things with me, a cup of coffee, a walk, dinner, a hug, he is there to pray to to, feel in other ways and to one day be reunited.. In Gods time.

This is so hard to write and somedays even harder to believe as my heart is still broken but faith is believing in something when common sense says otherwise.

thank you for your post and for keeping me on my journey

laurie

[valley]

Marsha,

Like you and Joe, Tom and I usually said "I love you" as we went to sleep each night. If I only had 5 minutes with Tom again, like you I would want to know if he was ok, if he could see and know how great his kids are and how much they help me.

Often when I was cooking or washing dishes Tom would walk up behind me and put his arms around my waist and kiss my neck. It felt so great. I would turn to face him and we would hug and kiss. Simple, no words, just sweet and loving and close.

And in spring, summer and fall we would sit on the top step of our porch and have a drink before dinner and talk about what we had done that day. I loved that and so did Tom. Our little ritual of communication and winding down the "work day".

So for my 5 minutes either of those jestures would be wonderful as we spoke to each other and shared our love.

But I am greedy and couldn't stand only 5 minutes. But of course wouldn't it be wonderful.

There were times in our relationship that I could not imagine that we could ever choose to be apart. I knew inside myself that no matter what happened we were in this for the long haul. Other times in our 39 plus years, I felt the uncertainty of life, of relationships, of watching our friends marriages split up, of my own insecurities .....thinking that could happen to me, because anything can happen to anyone. But the longer we were together, the more I believed in the on-going nature of "us". I never believed that Tom would die though, or at the very least he would become an old man, or live into his 80's like his father. In some ways I still cannot believe he is gone....that strong, strong, vibrant man.

Yep, give me 5 more minutes. Now!

Love to you Marsha,

Shelley

[Maryo]

Hi Marsha,

What a lovely thought if I had 5 minutes with my husband what would I say. I talk to him every night before I go to sleep. Sometimes I cry because I am not sure if he hears me and I miss him so much. I don't think I could bare to say goodbye again.

Mary Lou

[Boo Mayhew]

I'd ask him if he was okay first and how much he missed me. I'd tell Cliff that every second of this unspeakable pain is worth the time I had with him. I'd tell him that love IS eternal, and that I was moving towards him, back home, one day at a time, trying to make him proud of me. I'd ask him if he flitted around the cosmos at breakneck speed, and if he checked on me hourly, daily or how often. I'd ask him for reaffirmation that so far I'd done ok. I would insist that he told me he missed me as much as I missed him.

I'd sacrifice EVERYTHING apart from my soul (because that is how we are still linked and connected after all, in my mind) ... just for a TASTE of him. But it would never be enough.

I'm half relieved this is a hypothetical question, because I'm not sure I could say goodbye to him again. I might not come through the darkness a second time.

[Korina]

Like Boo, I am not sure I could say goodbye a second time. However, I would ask him if he now knows all the secrets of the universe. And, because during the rough times, he once told me he didn't think I loved him anymore. Even though I told him at that time this was not the case, I would say to him that being with him for 20 years was the best thing ever, I wouldn't trade it for anything, that I do love him forever, and look forward to being with him again. And I would tell him how wonderful our daughter is and how proud I am to be the mother of his child. There are so many other things, but I think I will end it here....

Korina

[kath]

Marsha,

The best thing about Bob and I was being in the same room and not having to say anything. For the first dozen plus years I insisted on conversation. But what a pleasure it was to just be together without words. It was the look, the touch, the relaxing comfort of his presence (and finishing each other's sentences when we did talk) that meant so much to me. If I had five minutes again, I would want to listen to what it is he has experienced these past two years. I believe he already knows what I have to say, because I filled our lives with daily reminders. So, I'd probably just stare, dumbstruck and in love all over again.

Kath

[kayc]

I don't know that I'd "say" anything, I'd just want him to hold me...for five minutes, everything would be right with the world.

[Rochel]

I just lost my Buddy, my pal, and my friend 2 weeks ago tonight...I'm like the gal that said if I had 5 minutes that it would be impossible to say goodbye again...I still cannot look at his pictures, his clothes, his chair without bawling my eyes out.It hurts so much this broken heart of mine..Here's hoping that my tears and the Lord will set to repair the pain in my heart...We had the memorial on Sunday the 4th and he never wanted one, but all the people that loved him showed up blessed me...and my friends will talk about him and use his name...At first it hurt...but it sounds like in the future that it will comfort me....It amazes me how all the things that trigger in the howling and pain....I went to Lowes the other day and it made me almost throw up with grief beyond belief....It is very early in the game for me and I keep losing things too...sleep at night is hit and miss...eating is not fun....I miss so many things about my Darlin Man and my life is completely different...the life I knew is gone and that makes me feel the punch to the stomach...does it ever let up??? I plan to close the house for awhile and live with my elderly mom just to get away from the memories and that alone makes me howl...Love to you all...it helps to read about your Honey's Blessings, Rochel

[bam]

I lost my best friend my husband of almost 47 years, 4 weeks ago tonight. His 65th birthday was Sunday the 4th and we had a picnic and the grand kids sent balloons with notes in to their Papa. If I had 5 minuets I would just hold him and love him and never say good bye. I miss him so much. It's okay during the day while I work but at night when I'm home alone I can't stand it. I miss him so much. The house is so quiet. He was my whole life. I write to him every night and let him know what happens during the day and I feel I can at least stay in touch with him. It really helps to read quotes because I think I feel like some of you. Thanks for your time. God Bless You All. Bam

[Korina]

Rochel and Bam:

Welcome to this forum (as so horribly wrong it must feel to have to be here...). The people here are great, and it helps everyday to read the posts and, when you feel the urge or need, to post yourself.

You are both very new to this process (here I am speaking from the grand old total of 3.5 months....). What I can say from my experience is that being with family in these past three months (both my husband's family and mine) has been of great comfort. However, it does not change the fact that when you go home, you will have to deal with the reality that your other half is no longer there with you in body. I am at that spot right now, as chunks of the last 3.5 months have been filled with family.

As for that punch in the stomach, I found it has let up, to be replaced by a heaviness in my heart, or sometimes an emptiness in my heart (not to mention an emptiness in the apartment). As for sleeping, I don't think I slept for real for the first month; one day, I did - I don't know why, but the sobbing and the thinking and the replays/rewinds/recrimintations in my mind stopped long enough for sleep to come. And then I developed a routine at nighttime that helped me sleep (this forum, writing letters to Scott). What I have also found is that at the beginning, being at home was painful, as everything was a screaming reminder of Scott, and the fact that he was gone. But now, while I am incredibly sad and lonely at times, I now find that the reminders of Scott are now mostly comforting as opposed to screaming. That is where I am.

One common piece of advice is to take care of yourselves during this whole process. Grieving is very hard on your body and very exhausting. Keep in contact with your doctor, try to eat (even though it may not be palatable in the least), go for a walk/get some exercise. And let yourself just lie on the couch when you have to.

Take care,

Korina

[kayc]

Rochel and Bam, I'm sorry to hear that. You've found a very caring place to come to.

Kay

[denny's heartbeat]

I would wrap my arms around his neck, bury my head in his chest and never speak anymore than "I'll love you baby" and soak in his warm breath on my neck (which I miss more than I can put into words) and let that handlebar mustache tickle my neck sending shivers to my very soul, just like it did every time throughout our time together. I would be sure to breathe him in deep, if I had 5 minutes with my baby that is exactly what I would do. Joanna

[PaulaB.]

I would hold Tom's hands as tight as I could and look into his very blue eyes. I would touch his cheek and be grateful that I had 5 minutes of heaven on earth. Paula

[Kavish]

I would not say a word and would just feel her smile go through my soul to reverberate in my heart forever.

Kavish

[jrm]

5 minutes just to have him hug me ever so tight...This truly has been a long week Monday our 41st anniversary and Thursday 3 months since he passed and also his 66th birthday. I'm still trying to heal my body since the motorcycle accident. I believe he kept me safe and I would like to thank him..like you all said it would just be too hard to say goodbye again