Poll: Irrational Things You Did?

[emptyinside]

I guess I'm really into polls and discussion questions lately. I'm just wondering what kind of "strange," maybe out-of-character (or not), things you guys did after you got the horrible news. It doesn't have to be immediately after. Just anything in your grief and/or shock. Did you destroy things? Become fixated on certain things? Move? Take up lessons in something you've always wanted to do? As for me, I babbled and burst into tears in front of a total stranger and could not shut up for the life of me!

[Korina]

Off the top of my head, besides just needing to talk and talk about the whole thing, and searching for any information on grief, I also started crying in front of a total stranger. A saleslady at Sears in the children's department was being so nice, I suddenly just told her about Scott, crying. She came around the counter, gave me a big hug, and said if there was anything I needed, they were there. And that her father had died when she was a child and her mother was able to raise her.

Also, one of the strangest things to me, though apparently not uncommon, was the lack of emotion I felt at Scott's funeral. I cried, but nothing like I had up to that point, or after. And when I was greeting people, and was meeting folks from his neighbourhood as a child whom I did not know, I felt like I was watching them from inside a bubble. I was looking into all these terribly sad eyes, and thinking, "Geez, I had better make my eyes sad, too. I am the widow, after all." And I was greeting some of his friends whom we had not seen in years. When one of his buddies walked in, I almost went up to him with a big grin on my face, saying, "Hey, ---, how are you doing?" It was like I was working the room for a political function (we were both politically involved). How absolutely absurd!!!!

Sigh.

Korina

[kath]

I was looking through my husband's things, wanting desparately to give something special to our children to have with them during the funeral. My son came running in, saw a couple of bullets from Bob's rifle that he had kept with his cufflinks and stuff, asked if he could have them, I said "Sure" and handed them over. So, during his dad's funeral, my son carried two rifle bullets in his pocket. Later that day I saw him banging them together and freaked out saying, "You can't have those!" I totally didn't even know I gave them to him.

As my cousin told me, there was no "Mother of the Year" award for me that day!

[Boo Mayhew]

I tried phoning Cliff on his cellphone 48 hours after he died.

I took a photo of my lounge 3 weeks after he died ... to see if the camera's eye could see him, even tho I could not

[LindaKoz]

I check my cell phone every morning when I am leaving for work looking for the morning text Brian used to send to me every day. I wish he could text me from heaven. Sometimes I just want assurance that he is ok.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Chai]

I don't even know what's 'normal' for me anymore...I remember finding it very weird that I didn't cry a TON until the memorial...judging my grief, really. And, even now, I don't talk to people about him enough. It's something I'm determined to start doing. Before, I would have talked a lot about my emotions, and now...I keep all the hidden, deep, sad, important stuff to myself (except on here and journaling, for the most part).

Now I am more serious about death, and just...serious things in life, because I am no more disillusioned by that "it won't happen to me" feeling.

When I heard the news, a friend of mine saw me sitting by the library on the phone with my grandma, crying. I can't remember if I called my mom or she called me, but I found out she and my stepdad were coming up to get me from school...so I had an hour, so I sat and cried with my bear, and I actually went to lunch. I was the girl crying at the salad bar that day.

One thing I've become determined to do is get over a couple petty fears, like my fear of bees and of climbing ladders. My father believed in me, and I want to overcome these fears and hold up to his belief. Before, I would've just continued being afraid. I'm also trying to learn things I keep saying I will - like relearn my German, and piano. Before, I felt I had all the time in the world to do all of that. Now, I know that time is precious, and you can't take anything for granted, so do whatever it is you want to do NOW.

[Korina]

I have also listened to the cell phone to see if he would talk to me through it. And I called his number, though I knew it had been discontinued. Maybe, just maybe. I continue to keep an eye out on email and the phone (and have checked missed calls on the home phone just to see if something might be there)...

Korina

[LindaKoz]

Yesterday for some reason my mind began to think that Brian was at work and I started thinking about what we would do when he got home. Of course these thoughts were greeted with an overwhelming realization that Brian is gone and I am by myself. I miss him so much.

[Kat2005]

When I would be at work I would catch myself reaching for the phone to call Pat. Sometime I would just dial the phone knowing that he would not pick it up. I guess I just thought maybe just maybe he would. I would also call out to him when I got home from work. I would yell, baby I home.

I really thought I was going crazy doing the things I did. I just long for the life that I had and I guess I do things to try to hang on to it.

[jrm]

I must have called 10 of the 15 days in Florida to leave a message that I'd be home soon. Flying high in the sky among the clouds I looked out to the sun and tried to find him. I couldn't stop crying on the plane. How embarrassing trying to keep quiet. We always traveled together and loved flying, riding motorcycles, picnics, cuddling, just everything we did we did together. Now each night I find peace in taking one of his favorite T shirts to bed fresh with his favorite aftershave, a picture of us, and his pillow with the same pillowcase since July. Today has been a really rough day...November 8th 4 months gone after 40 years together. I'm so sad.

[LindaG]

I slept in his truck the first night. I go to the cemetary every day and have a full blown conversation with him at lunch. I drive and drive and drive hours out of the way with no known destination. I received the bill from the ambulance and emergency room care today and fell apart for hours. Just looking at the horrible list of procedures that they tried to revive his heart. At first, I felt the need to keep "his" childhood friends close but as they ask me to send pictures of the grave marker and a picture for the deceased listing at his high school, I want to never hear from them again. I had his wedding ring sized days after the funeral so I could wear it on my right hand - I was in a panic mode that I would misplace it. All of my normal behavior is out the window and I don't care.

-Linda G

[emptyinside]

Thank you for sharing. All that you said made perfect sense to me.

[Alden]

I am new here, and it is a few months since this post began, but thought I would add some of my odd behaviors. (by the way, I lost my wife to mental illness).

For the first two years after she left I could not get to sleep before 4 or 5 am. I tried for a while, but the grief would overwhelm me, so I finally gave up. I would do anything to "distract myself" late into the night; crosswords, TV, surf the net. I found that I was calmest and most centered at night and I didn't want to give that time up. So I would stay up later and later until I would just collapse into bed. I'd be up two hours later, deal with the kids and get them off to school, then sleep some more. My strange routine.

I have one friend who, after losing her husband to cancer, would get her kids off to school, then sleep all day, setting the alarm until it was time to get them at the bus. Then she would shift into mom-mode, do dinner, spend time with them, and after they were in bed she would watch TV all night. She was forced to take two yours off of her career because of being so incapacitated by her grief.

We find strange, but perhaps effective ways to cope. I still have my grief, many years later, but I can now get to sleep at a reasonable time without having thoughts consume me.

Alden

[jrm]

Wow I was reading through these posts and it surprised me that I actually posted back in November, 4 months after Duke was killed in the motorcycle accident. Well it's 6 months now on the 8th that he died and I'm still going to bed with the picture, his T-shirt, and his pillow. Well, I have cancelled his cell phone but it was sitting in the L.R. next to me plugged into the charger. I picked it up and was going through it, when I realized there were some videos on it. He was not very techno with the phone and the button for the camera was on the side. I remember I used to kid him when I heard a "click" and tell him oops you just took a picture. He didn't like having that button on the side. Well to my utter amazement the videos were of him, walking with the phone, or checking the phone, so brief but after the initial shock has worn off, I pick up that phone often just to see him. The eeeiriest one is just the sound of his feet (he had one squeeky sneaker) walking across the kitchen and laundry floor, the squeeky laundry room/garage door opening then SLAM. Like THE END. I keep pictures of him around but am I beating myself up by hanging on to these ever so brief videos?

[kath]

"I keep pictures of him around but am I beating myself up by hanging on to these ever so brief videos?"

I don't think you are beating yourself up at all. Even the smallest glimpse of them keeps them physically near to us and that is all we want really...to have them close by again. I laughed at Duke's non-technical ability and was reminded how Bob couldn't tape a voice message. He would sound so awful or forget what he wanted to say and re-do it again and again that I would have to lock myself in another room to keep him from hearing me laugh. Of course, he'd hear me then he'd start laughing and we'd both be rolling just trying to make a voice message. His last one was no exception and it sounded like a frog croaked it for him. He never changed it because it took him twenty times to get one where there wasn't bust-a-gut laughter going on in the background. I called his cell a million times and nearly kept our contract in force just so I wouldn't have to lose it. Then I figured out that I could call his phone and my new one at the same time and record his message onto mine. After a few dozen attempts, it worked and I had that to listen to again and again until I accidentally deleted it. So, maybe you'll need to consider the source of this response, but it all sounds perfectly normal to me.

[jrm]

Kath, Thanks for the little chuckle about Bob. I need that tonight. Sometimes I wonder what's normal anymore cause I sure do strange things. I find myself somewhat setting up a shrine on the dresser near his picture. Oh how Duke loved chewing juicy fruit gum! Today I found an opened package in one of his jacket pockets. God knows how old it was. Well of course I had to chew a stick, but laid the package by his picture. He loved tootsie rolls too. Found just the wrappers, but laid them with the gum. Oh I know I'll clean it up sometime, but today it seemed right to put it there. So our sad story starts July 3rd with just a weekend full of fun and just the two of us and our corvette and motorcycle. Taking the motorcycle early the 3r to watch the Middleboro parade, then down to Plymouth waterfront for lobster, then back home to wash the corvette, then the parade in Randolph with the corvette. Yep we were having fun. We had many things on our "bucket list" and one was hearing the Boston Pops perform in Boston and watching the fireworks. So on July 4th we hopped on the bike, rode the 30 miles to the city and had a grand time hearing the Pops and Neil Diamond perform. July 5th we stayed by the pool with family and friends. On the 6th in the p.m. we were heading to a car cruise night. The question was "take the vette or take the bike" I won...the bike. We were t-boned 12 miles from home, Duke airflighted to Boston operating on his femur and I soon followed in the ambulance. The doctors told me we would be fine, his operation went well, then things turned and the next thing the Dr. was telling me he was gravely ill. He died July 8, 2009. So though I try not to put an anniversary date on each month, I do find myself getting blue and sad. Thanks for listening. I needed someone to hear me tonight.

[Babs11]

What a great Topic!

So many people can relate to this...

...We didn't have a huge group of outside friends...we had acquaintances and work friends but were both Home Bodies so we spent a lot of time having conversations with each other...so now the person I talk to most can't verbally respond...so I spend a lot of time talking to myself...I am really starting to get sick of hearing myself and wish he'd pipe in at any time and say "Enough Already"! ...

...I thought maybe I would try to drive God Nuts and he will send him back to me because he can't take it anymore...

Love and Peace,

Babs

[emptyinside]

Aww Babs, that last part is so cute and sad. Thank you for sharing. May I ask how you are dealing with the loneliness of talking to yourself after being so used to talking to your husband all the time?

[jrm]

Well it seems like I haven't posted forever but my last post was Jan 4th and now it's Jan. 20th. 6 months since Duke passed away. I've been thrown into this awful "grief trigger" Two weeks ago I watched my neighbor's house burn. Lynda and Mark are new neighbors (about 6 years) but the previous owners raised their kids while we were raising ours. Her husband had a stroke, was blind from that, and I remember Jack sitting out by the garage every day just feeling the sun on him. Barbara sold to Lynda and Mark and moved in with her daughter. I have been crying for all that they lost which was everything. Watching those flames engulf the house, standing there with Lynda and Mark and feeling their grief set me off with so much grief and sorrow for them, but now every day my sorrow engulfs me. I am trying to get out to do something every day but this "grief trigger" is somewhat paralyzing me this time. How do I get through this?

[furkid]

Like most of you, there are quite a few things I have hung on to because they were Randy's. I felt I couldn't get rid of them because he had time to collect them. Shortly before and after he passed I was having my basement sealed. We had a terrible black mold problem and the doctor's told me he couldn't come home until that was taken care of. We put some stuff in the attic to let the heat kill the mold in the wood. At one point the guys helping me wanted to get rid of some stuff and I paniced. Maybe Randy would need that. You have to understand, he was a woodworker and constantly collected scrap wood and other things he would see along the road that "somebody could use". Sometimes it drove me nuts. I am a terrible saver too, but I didn't bring in stuff from the side of the road. Well the folks that were helping me knew he would probably never be able to do some of the wood working he used to do. The cancer had paralyzed him from the waste down. But the thought of throwing something out just seemed totally ludicrous.

9 months later, I realize, I really need to get rid of some of this stuff. I will never use it and I don't need to keep it around. I'm hoping to have a garage sale in the summer. I still get mad if one of my cats knocks things off his dresser. I should have sold his van months ago, but I still have it. I recently had a minor car accident, and now I'm driving it for a few days while my car is fixed. It's twice the insurance, and the registration, etc, but it was such a nice van, I just haven't been able to sell it. It's impracticle, but I don't know whether I will ever be able to sell it.

[JohnG]

I don't know if this is "irrational" but I got into my car and just drove and drove and drove until my mind was so numb with being tired that it took every bit of concentration on the road to get back home. Maybe not irrational but definitely irresponsible. In the intense grief and disbelief I was in who was thinking rationally?! Even now, 7 months later, I have to fight the urge to want to flee in that manner when the fear and panic begin to rise.

[leeann]

Don't know if it is irrational but I just couldn't sleep after finding my Mom.. like at all. I think I was up for something like 60 some odd hours straight... I was amazed I didn't just fall over. But I just couldn't sleep. I had to call the Dr and he called something in for me and told me not to worry about it.. so since I had loads of other stuff on my brain at the time... I didn't worry about it.

One other odd thing.. My folks were married for 53 years when my Dad passed. He had a burial plot that his sister had given to him as the other half of a plot with her first husband. So he was buried with my Aunt's first hub. My Mom passed 5 yrs after Dad and she was buried in the one of 4 burial spots in her family's plot. The rest contained her parents & her sister who had died in her early 20's. Both of these plots were in the same cemetery. They never planned to be buried together because they each had a plot given to them that they thought it was foolish to buy an additional plot for them to be buried as a couple.

They both said they would "meet up" in heaven. It literally didn't matter to them. They were both very spiritual beings and didn't give a whole lot about what happened to their bodies after they were done using them. Ya know?

(Explaining this to the Funeral Director... should have been filmed. He was quite puzzled at first. Had to explain it to him 3 times and then he said, "So, they won't be buried together?" And we said,"Now you got it!". lol)

Well a couple weeks after my Mom died... I went to her plot where she, my aunt & my Grandparents were buried and took a small stone off of it. Then I walked over to where my Dad was buried with my Aunt's husband... and pushed the stone into the dirt next to his head stone. Like somehow, even though I knew they didn't care.... I somehow had to have someway to put them together. And burying the stone into the dirt somehow made me feel as though they were. But I knew they were together in my heart... yet.. I still felt compelled to do that>> to physically DO SOMEthing to "seal" the deal that they would be together forever in eternity.

I don't know... I guess that's weird.

[kayc]

The most irrational thing I did was to remarry...one of George's friends was "there" for me after he died, and you all know the outcome on that. A bullet to my head might have been kinder and smarter!

[marsha]

How much time do you have, lol? When I was in the deli, at 4 a.m. baking, this was just after Joe died, there was this fly that kept buzzing around the kitchen, then landing on the table or bopping me in the head. I got it into my brain that this was Joe, reincarnated. I yelled at the fly, I cried over the fly, I even tried talking logically to the fly. I got over it, but damn if I didn't believe it. Hugs, Marsha

[kayc]

I hope they don't haul me away, but I talk to him. I lament to him about his being gone and leaving me, and I tell him things, mostly cry out how much I miss him and love him.