Our Beloved's Belongings

[Rochel]

Hi My Family,

Well, the other day I finally made the decision to let go and get all of my Bob's things out of the house...This is almost as tough as the memorial, ashes and all the other heart wrenching things that we all have to do...When you look at the shirts with the printed flowers or other prints that you are so used to admiring on them, it tears your heart out and the punch to the stomach comes back full force...I had a really hard time with his boots and jackets and I kept his robe...When I think of all the times he looked good in his clothes, it makes me weep...Then, you take many ugly black plastic bags and drop them off on cold indifferent concrete at a Good Will waiting for somebody to make a profit on your spouses belongings...I had a very good friend that helped me and we all need good friends to help us over the griefy humps we all have to face each and every day one day at a time....I turn to my Lord when it gets too heavy for me to carry...I'm slowly getting aclimated back into my home but the triggers are here all over the place....I heard a wonderful message at church and here is some wisdom from that message:

The experiences that we have is God working out His foreordained and prearranged plan. He is directing every turn and facet of my life, if I will only look to Him for guidance. Sometimes, because I do not understand the difficulty I am facing I must look through the eyes of faith. And through faith I realize that all things are working for good. But then as I look back, I can see that the hand of God was leading me and directing me into various things. It is so beautiful to trace His hand in my life even though sometimes He was directing me into a move that was not an easy or comfortable situation. He simply needed to teach me some lessons.

Sometimes when I moved, God was teaching me not to move without being directed. And so, He let me make that move to show me the danger of going ahead without His direction. But even then I could see the hand of God as He was working out His perfect plan in my life. He knew what it would take to bring me to a complete commitment of myself to Him. And then He knew what it would take to bring me to the end of myself, where I would give up totally and completely, reckoning my old self to be dead. God knew exactly what it would take, circumstantially, to bring this transition about in my life.

So my friends, there you have it..."He is for us not against us and He is cheering us on in this difficult trial and battle" He wants to see us win this race....Bless you today...Rochel

[azusaman]

Rochel, Very well said and very encouraging.

In His love,

Ted

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Dear Rochel,

I don't know if & when I'll be able to bring myself to get rid of Pat's clothes & shoes. Or the things in the guest bathroom the old spice, & his toiletries. I had to clean out our cabin which was full of clothing, books & you name it. I found a man up North that could wear his size & he got a new wardrobe. His niece bought the cabin so I left Pat's cowboy boots & his Cowboy hat there, I'm sure she knew why. They are still where I put them. I hung on to my Dad's clothes for 4 years...before I was able to turn loose of them...& I still wear 2 of his old undershirts that are practically rags now, & some of his jackets & Hats.

I tossed Pat's "Archie Bunker" chair because I simply could not walk past it without seeing him reading or doing the Crossword puzzle. Selling his Suburban was traumatic...driving it made me feel so secure, but I simply could not afford Tags, maintenance & Ins. on 2 vehicles. When our last 2 dogs dyed in 09, the remaining 2 would fit in my Explorer. I cryed in front of the Notary...had to present Death Certificate & our Marriage License to sign the title over.

I hauled a lot of Pat's tools back to Phoenix..I don't know why, for I don't know how to use most of them. I go on periodic cleaning binges...on my closet. Marsha said to me once we spend half of our lives accumulating things & the other half getting rid of them! So True!

[kayc]

I could feel what you were feeling as I read your post. But I have to share...when it came time for me to clean out George's clothes from our closet, I felt like God had a sense of humor, for his closet rod broke...not mine, just his.

BTW, It's 4 1/2 years later and I STILL have his robe, his fishing vest and hat, his favorite clothes, the Norwegian vest that was such a good find...and I probably always will. Nothing wrong with that!

By the same token, I couldn't wait to get rid of his welding clothes, for I felt his job contributed to his hasty death. Thus went all of his Carharts!

[Korina]

I still am not ready to go through Scott's clothes. I do, however, know of some things I will be keeping either for myself or for Kailyn. Anyhow, I will probably wait to do all this until we move, as my parents are going to move out here, and we plan to buy a place together, both for the support for all involved, and to share the cost, as real estate is insanely expensive on the west coast.

I have been able to open the closet and look at his clothes, though it usually still results in a flood of tears. As for his toiletries, they went almost immediately (though I kept his soap dispenser I had bought him), as it was just too painful to see them. The tears are welling up just thinking about it...

Hugs,

Korina

[kayc]

Korina, Hey gal, what are you doing up at 1:00 am? LOL

It's interesting what one person has to do is the opposite for the next person...some have to throw this away or that and the next person has to hang on to it...I think no matter how we deal with it, it's important that we do what most helps us cope...I'd advise against tossing too soon though, I've seen some who got rid of everything, and I mean everything, only to regret it...if that's the temptation, maybe box it up and put it in the garage or attic for a year and then see how you feel in a year. Once it's gone, it's gone. As for having a shrine, if that is what brings comfort, what does it hurt? Others need to understand, this is about US handling it the best way we can for US. It's not like there is a right way and a wrong way, there is only our own way.

[JeanneC]

Alex belongings (clothes and shoes) have left the house about six months. I thought I would never do that. I do have his false teeth (in a box) though. What do I do with them. hahhahah.

Rochel - I know that it is hard for you to get rid of your husbands clothes. But it is done now and you will feel better about it.

Kay - LOL about your husband's closet rod breaking.

Jeanne

[mrspapajohn]

Rochel - - Your post certainly brought back memories. When I cleaned out most of Stephen's clothes (I couldn't get rid of everything so I kept some of his favorite things - including his robe) I gave them to his two brothers and Stephen's nephews. On our anniversary, I flew from Phoenix to Ft. Worth to visit Stephen's grave. One of his brothers and Stephen's nephew picked me up. When his nephew got out the car, I almost fainted from shock. He was wearing one of Stephen's shirts and for a moment I thought that my dear husband had come back. He looked exactly like Stephen when we first married. Neither Stephen's brother nor his nephew knew why I couldn't stop crying.

Kathy

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

I have an 88 year old widow friend who's husband has been gone 20 years. She lost her younger brother Dec. 3d which is when her husband dyed. She was devastated & triggered all the memories. We spoke about this & I told her I haven't been able to get rid of Pat's clothes. Dorothy said her husband had a top dresser drawer that was his personal domain & in 20 years she has not opened that drawer. I didn't ask her why she has left it untouched (the curiousity would have killed me) but it just goes to show that is different for everyone.

Love, Vickie

[Jude]

I lost my beloved husband six months ago. I have started going through his clothes -- during the summer, our church was in need of shorts and jerseys so I went through those to donate. I have now gone through his sweaters for the same reason. I have kept about a dozen for myself to wrap in. However, I am having memorial quilts made from many of his clothes -- one from jerseys he bought when we traveled, one from his N.E. Patriots tops and another from his favorite tops and pajamas. I feel this is a way I can remember him; and when I am sad, I can wrap myself with memories. I hope this helps others out. I have tried to come up with ideas to memoralize my husband and our memories as I am having such a difficult time with his death.

[Sharon3]

I too like all of you had difficulty going thru my husband's things. They went from the closet to the basement to the garage to someone who made me a quilt. I kept a few things in tack and have a tote of things. I also dontated some but it is the choice of having a quilt made that brings me the most satisfaction. I also made a book for our granddaughter through an on-line software program............

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

You'll find links to dozens of additional ideas for memorializing your loved one here: Memorializing

See also Creating Personal Grief Rituals

[Queeniemary]

Jeanne, I had to chuckle when I read about your husbands false teeth in a box. My husband's upper plate, which he always took out when he was at home and not planning to go out any more in the evening, are still in his drawer in the bathroom, in the little cup. Right where he put it the evening before he died in the early morning hours the next day. Our dentist, a very close friend, told me there is no recycling of dentures (yes I was dumb enough to ask, at least he did not laugh at me). Also Jude and Sharon3, we have a lady in our town that makes memorial quilts, and I plan to have one made from many of his favorite shirts, which are hawaiian type (exotic, with flowers, birds, etc)shirts. I started the other day to try and clean out some of the things from the closet, but lost it when I came across his "jailer" uniform, hanging there ready for him to wear the night of the day he died. So I will wait awhile before I try that again. Monday we would have been married 20 years. It still seems like a horrible dream, and I have lots of trouble sleeping, and don't seem to want to eat very much, have to make myself. Usually a frozen dinner, as I just cannot bring myself to do much cooking for one.

[Frank G]

and don't seem to want to eat very much, have to make myself. Usually a frozen dinner, as I just cannot bring myself to do much cooking for one.

You must eat if only by the clock and not by appitite as I did for a while.While my June suffered her final 3 months I lost over a stone in weight and the weekend before she went back into hospital I was bitten on the foot in the night (on a mattress on the floor beside our bed) which developed into Cellulitus and I was on antibiotics for 2 weeks and also on an antibiotic drip in the ER at one stage while she was up in the Oncology Ward.My imune system was obviously rock bottom so you must take care of yourself.I have not only had to learn to cook for one,I have had to learn to cook from scratch as beans on toast was my total talent.We married at 19 so I went from Mom's cooking to June's cooking and till now have never lived on my own.

Take care.Frank G...

[ipswitch]

My mom made a mini rag quilt from my husband's jeans and shirts. There were very few things left that were in decent shape - he was unemployed the last year of his life, and puttered around the house a lot.

Today I went through the pantry and pulled out the things my husband liked - and I hated! I'll never have to eat or smell tuna fish again! Or that dreadful casserole (no joke - chicken and rice soup and tuna)that his mother used to make that he loved...but It was sad in a way. A relative came by and could make use of the groceries, so they didn't make it to the donation center, either.

Jeff was a pack rat - he scolded me a few months ago about throwing away three pairs of leather shoes. I had to tell him that he hadn't worn them in so long, they had grown moldy beyond any recovery.

His last job was at a home for troubled children and adolescents. I don't know why, but whenever clothing was to be thrown out, Jeff brought home everything that might fit him, and never threw anything away, even if he never wore it. Much of the clothing I pitched right away but there are still about a dozen pairs of - shoes -. He owned exactly two good shirts. He bought them a couple months ago for job hunting. One was never taken out of the package. There is a blue blazer, worn less than a dozen times. Two pair of good looking khakis, same situation as the shirts. Two good overcoats, I think he wore one of them, once, for my Dad's funeral.

Jeff's ashes are in the brass container under my bed. his wedding ring and dog tags from the service on a chain on the bedpost. In the closet is an insulated denim jacket that was his favorite. I re-attached the pockets and buttons many times over the years. In November I went back to work for a former employer. The first year I worked for him, Jeff and I had been married a little over a year, had our first house, and on St Patrick's day, Boss had a sale: each item on the sale rack was 3, 17, or 87 dollars. I think Jeff bought that jacket for 17 dollars, so now it's 23 years old. Good buy. If I'm feeling nostalgic someday, maybe I'll tell Boss about it.

He never threw out his old sleeping bag, even though we bought a pair that could zip together. I'm going to one of his favorite places to scatter some of his ashes later this year. I plan to use his sleeping bag, but I don't know what to do with it, later.

He collected lots of things, so there are: dozens of tins, not especially attractive. Marbles, many, none exceptionally rare. Newspapers of important events during our lifetime, but not in good condition. Matchbooks. Tons of diskettes with pictures of the work he did around our houses. Many are of the barn he built at house #1. I suspect his final decline into alcoholism was caused by my insistence that we move closer to the city after he'd finished the barn he was (justifiably) proud of.

[Korina]

Ipswitch:

While I am by no means an expert, I highly doubt that your husband's alcoholism was caused because you wanted to move closer to the city. However, I completely understand your feelings of guilt, because believe me, I have them too; I suspect they are natural and hard to avoid. I look back to the idiot things I did 20 years ago, and wonder if they pushed him down that path. But you know what, neither of us were perfect. I think I feel the most guilt because I didn't try to do anything about his alcoholism sooner. And when I did - an intervention and admission to an in-patient clinic - he died from infection. And then that led to guilt in that what if exposing him to other people in treatment caused the infection, therefore making me indirectly responsible for his death.

What we have to remember is that alcoholism is a disease, involving biochemistry, psychology (it really is a mental battle) and genetics. One single thing action on our part is not going to be the root cause of the disease. And ultimately, it is the alcoholic who must make the decision to take his/her life back, which is a life-long and difficult road, one that is hard for those of us who have never experienced addiction to understand.

So give yourself a break and try to ease up on the guilt.

Lots of hugs,

Korina

[kayc]

While at first it is hard to throw ANYTHING of theirs away, after a while when you feel ready, give yourself permission to throw away moldy shoes and donate non-collectible marbles and a sleeping bag someone else could use. Make a scrapbook with the newspaper clippings or perhaps a collage if they aren't too lengthy, maybe intersperse with pictures from that time period. Keep those things that most remind you of him and that you most treasure...but to those who were married to packrats, it's okay to let go of some of it.

[ipswitch]

Oh, yeah, I can't, and don't want to keep all of it.

On another forum, in another topic, a poster wondered how to keep from hoarding everything she found appealing. One suggestion intrigued me: someone suggested getting a box and labeling it "Pieces of Me." She suggested that if one was thoughtful, one could limit the collection to fit into the box. As time went on, some things would become less important or laden with emotion, and one would naturally make room for newer, more currently evocative things.

Korina, unfortunately, Jeff was an active alcoholic all of our married lives. But he did resent the move, (he lied and said he was glad we moved, often, but I suspect he did so to try to convince himself.)

A lovely man is helping with the house, now. He'll need to re-do many of the things Jeff started. He thinks, I suspect, that Jeff was always this careless about his work. I wish he'd known Jeff before the alcohol took him so far away.

I did find a way to get some of Jeff's treasured things out of the house. kind of.

He had a shirt from his dart team days: he hadn't been of a size to wear it, for many years. And a hat, bedraggled and worn, that came back from Southeast Asia with him in '70. They got cremated with him. So I guess sometimes, you can take it with you...

[DeeGee]

About 2 months ago I took John's clothing out of his closet and drawers, producing 5 huge bagsfull. Anything that was not in perfect condition I discarded.

I was then unable to do anything with the clothes, so the bags just sat. Then, just last week, I was outside talking to my neighbor (finally outside after the long, snowy winter indoors here in the Northeast U.S.)and I know that both her husband (about John's age) and her teenage son have the same tall, slim body type that John had.

Out of nowhere I asked "Do you think your guys would wear some of John's clothes? I am about to give them to charity and some of the things are very nice." She said "Oh, yes! That would be wonderful! Things have been so tight for us for so long now, Bob has not worked for almost a year now and we can use any help we can get." So the bags of clothing went to them and I told her they should take anything they like and can use and then to just give away or donate what they don't want. That I do not want any of them back.

So perhaps one day I will see one of John's shirts or one of his coats on one of the neighbor guys. And that will be a good thing.

But, speaking of hoarding, John's job required that during the summer months he wear a short sleeved T-shirt of either bright orange or chartreuse green. The company provided them, and each is custom embroidered with the company emblem and the worker's first name. As it happened, shortly before he became too ill to work any longer, John had just received his allottment of 6 green and 6 orange T shirts.

I could not get rid of those brand new, never worn T shirts! If there was another worker with his name at the company, I would have passed them back, but I know there is not. For now, they reside in a small duffel bag sitting on the floor in the closet.

The only use I can think of for them right now is that once in a while my two older grandsons will stay overnight, and there have been times when I have provided them one of John's T shirts to use as PJs. So they will have lots of PJs here, should they need them.

Actually, in writing this, the more I think of that, the more I like it. Perhaps I will pass the duffel bag on to their mother!