Need Answers From Old Friends

[teny]

I want to apologize to the new comers for my post cause I know you all need hope for less pain.Today I went to his grave it is 40 months and the pain is soo stong.Some days I think that IM progressing and then pain and desperation comes to the surface and I can not find meaning in life.I have my work but economic situation in Greece is so bad that stress is part of every days rutine.joy happiness are emotions I forgot.every days life goes on but the lonely nights are desperate.WE were togetherfor 40 years since I was18 and I dont know any other life without him.Does any of you that have been here so long as me have the same grief or Im not normal to feel this way .love from far away .TENY

[kayc]

Teny, I think it is still here with me but I try not to give place to it...after this long, I don't much see the point...I have to live life without him and no wishing or grieving is going to change that. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I wish I were there to give you a big hug!

[David'sGirlStill]

Teny, You don't have to apologize, you're helping me not feel crazy. It's only been 12 months and I am still taking it second by second some days. I can't figure out a new life. David and I got married at 18 and we were married for 31 years. I just want my husband back.Some days I'm just happy I'm one day closer to beimg with my husband.

Hugs

Phyllis

[ARiddle729]

Teny,

I agree with Phyllis. No need to apologize to us newcomers. I am probably one of the newest on here. My grief is still very fresh, but reading posts from many of you who are still having problems after so many months, makes me realize that this is not going to pass quickly. I will not be disillusioned into thinking I can go 6 months or a year and suddenly life is all better.

This is one reason I reached out to this group and will continue to do so. I hope finding this support early on will help me handle each new step as it comes. I am thankful to you and others like you who have experience with this and are willing to share and help us newbies.

Thank you

Angie

[LarrysGirl]

Hello Teny, my grief is still hard. Life hasn't changed much since Larry's death. I haven't been able to make many changes and like you I'm struggling financially. I feel like I'm living in an empty shell of what was a happy life, now each day runs into the other. I am lost without him and I miss him so much. You aren't alone Teny, take care of yourself, Deborah

[kath]

Dear Teny,

You are not alone at all. It's 33 months for me and I have nothing to replace the hole left in my heart since Bob's passing. I function well. I get up each day and go to work. I have to stay focused because of my kids, but each day of not having Bob here to talk with, laugh with, joke with, hold, brings me more sadness. I miss him greatly and even this morning acknowledged that not one day goes by without thinking of him. Today I thought of all the times we bought each other the same CD. We were always so in sync with each other. I miss him so much.

Kath

[Korina]

Like Kath, I must function because of our daughter. And I always have thanks to Scott and God in my heart for her, because I do not know what I would do without this focus. But it is on my walk from work to pick up Kailyn from daycare that I miss Scott the most. I usually don't get through that walk without tears. It is my time to mourn, and unfortunately, to go through the woulda shoulda couldas and the guilt. But I think it is necessary.

Teny, I hope you are able to find some focus, something to do that will enrich your life and honour your dear husband - maybe that will help. I am under no illusions about my grief at 40 months - I will still miss Scott and grieve for him at for the rest of my life. I guess we just have to learn to live with it.

Sending you a big, virtual hug from Canada!

Korina

[teny]

thank you my far away friends.I feel like Im swimming and trying to keep my head above water and some strong wave allof a suden covers my face and I can not breath.love from far away .TENY

[Jewellbud]

Hi Teny. I just told a friend who lost his wife last March, and myself who lost my partner of 10 years in July...that we r an exclusive club of one step forward and a thousand tears back. I do not think we should ever apologize 4 feeling the pain of having so much love in our hearts for our loss. Death changes everything in our realm...death leaves no emotional stone unturned. U my dear r just as normal as the rest of us who r trying to learn our new normals in life. I feel like I have changed just like the earth's axis did with the earthquake in Chili. Just like that change...who knows what it means. But this I know...I am forever on a path of change & so are u. Keep the Faith DAJewellbud

[Sharon3]

Teny....The anniversary of my husband's funeral was one year yesterday....so I truly now know the pain of 12 months and one week. I too met my husband when I was young (16) and loved him from that time until the day he suddenly died (44 years) and beyond. The thing is I think I never really knew was how much and how deeply I loved him and how much I took for granted as time went by. I know, like you, I will be missing him the rest of my life...don't apologize...this is a safe place to express your feelings. I hope I find out what my new path will be but I know I will always feel sadness for his loss and for the life we thought we would have and that there will always be triggers of pain. I too don't know yet how to really live without him. One foot in front of the other...............I wish you joy and happiness again as I do everyone on this post including myself.

[Dale&Sue]

Hi Teny: As others have said, no need to apologize at all. I feel for you and I cry for you. People have told me that time will heal. I actually don't really believe that. Like you are missing your love, I know that I will miss my partner, Dale, for the rest of my life. He died in October 2009 and the pain is devastating. I'm not so sure it will get all that better. I only know that I just live with it. All I can say is that I know how you feel. The loss of such a love has felt to me like it killed my soul, but my body still lives, that's what is so hard about this. My heart is with you, believe me...I send you hugs across the miles...from Canada. Susan

[LindaG]

Teny-

When my husband first passed last fall, a grief counselor told me that you never get over but you learn how to manage the grief. She said I would learn how to not fall in the hole but to walk around it. I don't think from all I've read here and elsewhere that anything you are feeling is not normal. I think learning to walk around the hole is going to be a life long exercise for most of us. I try very hard to think of Joe at peace and safe. This gives me comfort. When it is really bad - especially early evening I take to dogs down to the beach and walk and talk to Joe in my head. The cold air and moving helps. It helps to have that day end conversation and it helps me to be able to get some sleep and puts my mind in a better place. Just an idea to try to help.

Sending you a hug to beautiful Athens!

-Linda G

[Maryo]

Hi Teny,

I agree with Linda,

You never get over it but I am trying my best to deal with it because I don't have a choice. It has been 19 months for me and I still cry. Some days things are almost normal and then grief kicks in and I am back to the tears.I try to take one day at a time and give thanks when I have a good day.

I wish you a better day tomorrow and many days after.

Bye for now.

Mary Lou

[DeeGee]

I have just passed the six month mark for having lost my husband to cancer. I still read here a lot, but have not posted much lately. I guess because I feel it is the same old, same old. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.

I am doing better on the crying. Still not going out all that much, but since New Years it has been nothing but snow here where I live in the northeast.

I agree with others here. I don't think this is something that you ever "get over". I think you just learn to live with it.

There is a song from years ago by Don Henley of The Eagles called "The Heart of The Matter". One of the lines in that song was "I'm learning to live without you now...."

That's what I'm doing. Learning to live without him. And I don't like it one bit.

And I surely don't like some the platitudes I've heard as I get out a little more, such as "Well, life goes on" and "Well, it's been six months. So what are you going to do with the rest of your life?"

My condolences to all who read here. It hurts. It still hurts.

DeeGee

[annette85035]

I met and married my husband while he was incarcerated. We're going to wait till he got out to get married, but he figured I would have more say so on his medical care as his wife and not just as his fiance.

We're married just short of two years when he was killed in a so-called accident while being transferred. For YEARS I went to his grave everyday to care for it.This is the only thing I knew to do for him and it is what kept me going.

Just a couple years ago, I stopped going every day.So I go for special occassions-like birthdays and holidays.

He passed back on Feb 23, 1994 at 11am, no, I still miss him

[Dusky]

Teny,

I have been at this for pretty much the same amount of time as you. I have found that Rose Kennedy's quote on grief seems to sum it up the best - and she would have know given the amount of loss she expereinced in her life. She said "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind (protecting it's sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." For me this says it all.

Love to you,

[mlg]

Teny,

I think most of us feel your pain, it's just that some of us handle it better than others. For me it depends on the day - some are good, some are TERRIBLE. When it's bad I go back to a minute at a time because that's all I can handle. I still can't look the future. I take one day at a time. Just know that Yiany is there beside you even if you can't see or feel him. He has not deserted you.

[mrspapajohn]

My Dear Teny - - I have been reading your posts from far away ever since I joined this site almost 13 months ago. I am so sorry for your hard times and your continued sorrow over Yani, but I believe it is normal after spending so much time and so much love on someone whom you expected to spend the rest of your life with. The love does never die and I believe that we will always carry our loved ones with us in our hearts. I am thinking of you, my far away friend, and sending you ((hugs)). Take care. I am with you in spirit.

Kathy