I Don't Know How Long I Can Go On Like This?

[Suzanne R.]

Since my husband passed away on January 22, 2010 I think I've gone from shock, denial, despair, only to sink lower and lower than I could possibly imagine. I think I'm getting worse, I don't want to be here now that Danny is gone. I am still crying and depressed, and I feel like I'm drowning in my sorrow. Maybe I don't want to be healed, I have never known such sadness. I'm never going to see him again and everything reminds me of him. I mean everything. Last week when watching American Idol I realized the theme was Elvis, tonight it's Shania Twain both of which I know Dan would be watching with me if he were here. I was watching an old program today he would be watching with me and I thought of something funny I would have said to Dan and I could just hear him laughing out loud but I burst into tears. All alone and crying. I don't know how much more I can take. The TV shows I thought were safe for me to watch are not safe any more. At the end of 3 years of taking care of what he needed, always hoping and praying for his health to get better, for the cancer to be cured I feel was all for nothing.. I don't know how much more I can take. Doing my errands by myself, eating on my food plan by myself, going to my appointments without Danny, by myself. And others are telling me I'm going to get better? I've read others posts where they have lost their spouse for a few months, 3 years and 11 years and they are just as depressed and sad as I am right now. I just hope the Lord calls me soon. I don't know how long I can go on like this?

[DeeGee]

Oh, Suzzane! I am so sorry that you are in so much pain right now. My sympathy and condolences for your loss. I see that you are just at the three month mark. For whatever reason, that was a really down time for me also. I think maybe because around then the initial numbness had worn off and the reality that, like you, I am never going to see or talk to my husband again - ever - kicked in. And, also like you, at that point I actually felt worse than I ever had.

I was very bad for about a month or so and then it started to lift a bit. It will be eight months since John died on the 29th. Things have gotten easier for me. I'm not as sad all the time as I was. I don't cry as often.

So I guess I would say that I personally have seen that it does get a little better as time passes. But I still have some very bad days, that's for sure.

My husband also died of cancer, 14 months from diagnosis to death. So if it was 3 years for your husband, you had three years of being busy, busy taking care of him, going to appointments with him, shopping for him to make sure you cooked all his favorite meals, etc. and then when he became very, very ill, taking over doing things he could no longer do.

All that activity, no matter how tiring it was at times, no matter how heartbreaking it was, kept us going. And then when they lose their battle, here we are.

Please hang in there. Post your feelings as often as you want. It helps.

DeeGee

[LarrysGirl]

Suzanne, I'm so sorry that you are hurting so badly. It is so hard to lose the one you love. I'm not a great example of overcoming grief, as I'm at over 4 yrs. There were many MANY times when I was sure I could not go on but I have. I haven't made very many changes since Larry's death but I have had to grieve at my own pace. I wanted to tell you that even though I do struggle with the challenges of finding my way on my own, the intense pain has lessened, I do still grieve and miss him everyday but I'm trying to find a way to survive, you will too! Take good care of yourself, Deborah

[kath]

Dear Suzanne,

It will be three years for me on Memorial Day and I have yet to watch TV or even the news. I've tried a couple movies and find myself with the box of Kleenex in my face. So, to protect myself I stay away. (This tactic has worked for my son who can now freely control the remote and watch the sports channel endlessly.) I am truly sorry you are in so much pan right now. It does ease up as we get more adept at surviving. Survival must include joy and laughter and though it seems impossible, it will come again. You were a caretaker and cheerleader for three years. That's a long time. Allow yourself time to at least rediscover what you need to do next. If you are crying a lot, it is because you need to. If it has become too much for you, ask your doctor at your next appointment. They have things that can take the edge off. Grief is hard as you already know. But it is not the same at 3 months as it is at 3 years or 11 years. We don't ever "get over" our loved ones. That would be a shame for me. I do feel that most days I "get through" the challenges pretty well.

Keep posting and talking. Hon, we have all been there with you.

Kath

[kayc]

It was the longest time before I could watch a movie, and I canceled t.v. when George died. I'm out almost 5 years now and just recently hooked it back up but it's so different now (reality t.v.) it doesn't hold any reminders.

Some things do change for us forever. One of the things I've noticed, all of my life I've been an avid reader. That seemed to die with George too. I cannot read a book. I don't know why, but my focus just isn't there anymore. I have a very hard time sleeping in my bed, I prefer to sleep on the recliner...the bed is just an empty reminder that he's not there anymore.

So many things we used to do together that I can't do anymore...we used to always go out and gather leaves in the fall and come back and put them in a vase...after he died I bought silk ones...I can't seem to make myself go out there without him.

I can't seem to look at pictures...some people pour over them, but for me, it's hard. Looking at us once smiling and happy...no, it's just too hard.

But you find a new way eventually, a way to go on and live, it's different than it was "before", and nothing ever feels the same again, but like Deborah said, it doesn't stay with the same level of intensity either. Please don't think that it will. And you have all of us to go through it with you.

[Susie Q]

Dear Suzanne

As I read your post I can see myself in your words - crying alone and wondering how I will bear the unbearable for one more hour. The first few months are a blur of pain and confusion, and after that the pain and confusion stay but are mixed with the awful dawning truth that this loss is real and forever. That's where you are now.

I ask myself many times a day - how can this have happened to us? In my case we had dinner one night, he went to the garage to finish something for an hour, came back inside showing the first signs of a cerebral haemmorrhage and died three days later. Fit, healthy, active, no medical problems and full of life - and then just gone.

I don't know how, but I have survived the eight months since I lost him. I've hated every minute of that time, but now am back at work after six months and seem to be 'coping' to the outside world. What I'm really doing is just filling in the days.

You will gradually be able to do more of what you have to do but take it at your pace. The crying, fear, despair and sadness are all attempts by your mind to assimilate the unthinkable. No wonder it makes us feel so horrible for such a long time.

Over the next few months the fog will start to lift and although the pain stays you will start to manage it better. I couldn't see it happening either, but here I am - full of longing to just talk to him but strong enough to try to try again tomorrow to carve some sort of life for myself. Wishing you some comfort in your sorrow...Susie Q

[valley]

Dear Suzanne,

Yes, the pain of this intense heart ache is enormous. This broken heart. My husband died 19 months ago and I miss him every day. Like you, I felt I could not go on, or rather didn't care to. That joy was gone forever.

We do go on, as our partners would want us to. We scream and we cry and we finally come to a day where that is less intense. Where we find a tiny bit of balance as we move forward. I still cannot sleep well at night. I cry, but not every day. I am beginning to learn to do the things around our place that Tom always did. I can only do this by thinking that he is watching me, finding it funny, finding it good. He was someone who did not like to see things fall apart and so in his honor I am trying to pull myself together and our place. I ask friends. I pay people. I do what I can now to keep the place going which requires that I keep myself going too.

I was in the hardware store the other day to buy stain for my deck. I didn't know if the old stain was oil based or latex and all of a sudden I started crying. Caught the salesman off guard. I never know when my longing will surface and hit me. I left the store and drove home and thought "why am I doing any of this"? And then I think, because Tom loved this place and I need to keep it up...for him and for me.

You will at some point feel stronger, but it is so different for everyone. But you will. The loss of a great love and friendship stays with you, but I am hoping mellows into something I can feel happy to have experienced and grateful that I had that in my life. For now, I still just feel the sadness of this huge loss.

Take care and write what you feel. I am so sorry for your loss.

Valley

[Chrissie]

Suzanne,

Thank you for your post. It has also been 3 months since I lost Tim and am having the same feelings. I cry on my way home from work because I know he will not be there when I get home. I also cried during American Idol because that is something we always watched together and I know he would of liked last nights show. I was late for work again today because I couldn't fall asleep until 4am and then I overslept. I know people say it will get better and I do believe them, but it just doesn't seem possible right now. Sometimes I think my friends think I'm losing it, they just don't understand how hard this is to go through. This probably hasn't been very comforting to you but I just want you to know you're not alone. I know the pain you are feeling and my heart and prayers go out ot you. Please hang in there and we'll all get through this together. One day the memories of our loved ones will be filled with more smiles and less tears.

Chris

[STARKISS]

Hi Suzanne,

I am so sorry for your loss, I know when I was at the three month mark I barely did anything and all my friends did not understand why I could not go out and act normal... I am at the five year mark for losing my mom and soon will hit the five year mark for the loss of my father and things do get better but you will never forget you just learn to cope better... I still have my bad days and my really bad days especially on anniversaries and birthdays... May God Bless you and I will add you to my pray list Shelley

[kayc]

Valley,

I know it is stuff like not knowing the answers that really gets to us, we feel so helpless without them. Is there a bit of stain left in a can anywhere that you could find out if it's oil or water? Most places use water base nowadays, unless it's from a super long time ago. If you try to use water over the oil, it doesn't usually stick, although I did a dresser one time that did...but it took five days to dry.

I guess if I thought it'd do any good, I'd give it a good cry again, but no one listens or seems to care, so I don't. I miss George more than anyone can possibly imagine. His love for me was so rare and special and there's not a day goes by that I don't realize it.

[Lainey]

Dear Suzanne, my heart breaks for you as I read your post.You sound like you are ready to give up.. please don't, for your sake and Danny's. He would want you to go on. Everyone of us that are on this site have had or are having these same feelings, regardless if you've lost your loved one a month ago or twenty years ago.

Everything and everywhere you go will remind you of him,that I think will be a constant, it is for me. But I have learned to remember the good times we had, memories are something that can never be taken away and as time goes by I have found that they are what gets me through the bad days.

You WILL survive this, we all do, no one said it is easy, but one day the ache will be a bit less and you will find yourself beginning to enjoy things. You have to focus on the little things, remember that your loved one wants you to be happy.

Hugs to you

Lainey

[nats]

Suzzane,

My heart aches with you indeed...I will pray for you...first my wife left to be with God 2/14/10 and I know the pain you feel,

please do not give up you have much to be thankful for from reading your post, my wife and I had just begain our life we had been living together for 4 years and married 6/17/09 before biopsy and they found her cancer, I regret not making her my wife sooner because she truley wanted it but never pushed, she was the happiest I've ever seen her on our wedding day, I had only 9 months with her as my wife before she left, we talked about the future and prayed for cure but knew what was happening as the "little demons" as she called them spread, she wanted me to go on and be happy I pretty sure your husband would also want that for you, keep comming here and maybe consider some local support groups,(they've helped me),I miss Ruth so much words cannot explain but we have to find a new life without our spouses and there is no time frame we have to meet, I'm sure all of us will never truely get over our losses but as time goes by and if we reflect on positive memories we shall heal, you have to put yourself first now and seek whatever gives you comfort in healing, I also have the TV problem but I find taking these things head on allows me to conquer and take some more steps towards living my new life without the most cherished thing I had my wife, but I know one thing, she may not be here but she will never leave my heart, and I will carry her with me everyday as I rebuild, I hope I have given you some positive things to reflect on and I will be praying for you and all the other people here, this is a great place keep comming back....

God Bless

NATS

[Maryo]

Hi Suzanne,

I remember the first few months after my husband died. It will be 2 years in july. I never felt such pain. It really will get better. You will have more good days and less tears as time goes bye. Grief can't be rushed as much as we wish it would disappear. One day at a time was the best advise I was given.

This site was a blessing for me as I hope it will help you also.

Mary Lou

[annette85035]

Yeah I can vouch that we don't get over the loss of our loved ones,but we do learn to get along without them?Whether we like it or not!

[valley]

Mary Lou and all of you good people,

Yes, the only way I have been able to survive my loss is to go one day at a time. Live the day I am in. Gradually I have been able to think a week ahead. And try to make each day count....for you. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to talk to someone, then talk. If you need solitude, then take it. Let yourself feel what you feel and do not feel guilty for that. I never knew what a broken heart was....now I do. And like the bones in your body, it takes time to mend. Allow yourself that time. For me, this loss has been sometimes unbearable, and yet I am still here. I miss my partner all the time, and yet I can laugh again.

Grief is something I did not truely know, as it was always only a word, eventhough I had lost very important people in my life, people I loved intensely. But nothing, nothing prepared me to lose my life partner. I feel a deep ache inside, but I am still here, still functioning, and yes.....I can laugh and enjoy friends and family, the beauty of my home and environment, the warmth of the sun, the crow that flies by.

But yes, grief is overwhelming. One day at a time.

Bless you all,

Valley

[TerryY]

My husband made the journey on Feb. 17, 2010. This has been the hardest 2 months of my life, I still want to go to, bus someone ask me could my kis take it losing both parents, that is one of the only things keeping me going. It seems like everyday something else goes wrong. My car broke during the 3 weeks we were in the hospital, my refrigerator broke, there was a chemical explosion 100 yards from my front door, the week before Easter, had to evacuate without clothes, medicine, or anything else. Oh yes, that same week I learned we had no life insurance. Then today, my boss brings me to the side, telling me I know it been a rough couple of months, but you must get back to normal. This is a woman that has a husband, 2 kids, both parents, and she wants me to get back to normal. I'll never be normal again.

I have had special signs for Wayne. The first time I had to mow grass, I finally get the lock off, I get on the mower it want start, of course here comes the tears, I just looked to heaven, I told Wayne talk to God, I need help. I tried to start it, it started. Last weekend, it just popped into my head, where is the bank card. I looked through my purse, looked all in the house, no. Went out to look in my car,(I got it fixed, hopefully last week)couldn't find it, I looked up Wayne HELP, I looked on the floor under the drivers seat there it was. Then today, my daughter was looking up something on the internet for me, after about a hour, she looked up said daddy, help me I can't find it, she looked on page 10 his birthday, there it was.

So, with the help of Wayne, God, my 2 children, and my doctor, I guess I'll have to stay around a little longer. By the way, my doctor saw me Tuesday, and upped my medicine, for depression, I think I might be feeling a little better.

Let's all hand in there together, we will make it.

We had been married for 35 years, he had been ill for 24years, with bile duct cancer, only 8 months. This type is one of the deadliest forms of cancer.

Good luck!!!!

[Korina]

When Scott died, I had 2 repeating thoughts during those weeks immediately after. "This sucks donkeys," and "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy." I still feel this way, though those thoughts don't override my thoughts every waking moment. And I can now (usually) sleep without the tv. I remember very specifically the moment when I truly didn't care whether I lived or died. However, I have survived, if not for myself or the memory of Scott, for the people who would hurt if I checked out.

The early weeks and months can seem endless and unbearable, but I was able to get through them and onto what seems to be a stage of a dull ache by just concentrating on surviving from one moment to the next, without thinking too much about the future. You will find that you are strong, and that you will survive, and one day, smile. But you will always miss him.

Korina

[Sharon3]

It has been 14 months for me and I have hit the wall this past week...I don't know why or what the trigger is but it is pretty deep and pretty real. I just read your post Kayc..........It sounded like I posted it. I also was an avid reader, but can't seem to read more than a few pages at a time and am almost ready to give it up. I also cannot look at pictures, especially recent pictures...I also know of others who not only look at the pictures but talk to them.........can't go there. I still feel so lost and want desperately to find what path I am supposed to be on but it is not coming. I feel sad and empty and hope I turn some sort of corner soon.......but keep coming here to find hope and validation because it is difficult to think of how long this sort of pain can last. I feel for you all.

[Lynne48]

It's been ten months since I lost my husband, Kelly, to brain cancer. He had been feeling tired and we figured it was just stress from work, then he couldn't remember things. This all happen in a matter of 3 mos. He went though surgery,radiation and chemo. We prayed and hoped he would get better. His spirit and wonderful sense of humor helped him fight this terrible disease. He tried so hard. He was my best friend. We did everything together. We was teased about how we were always together. Like other people have said, you feel numb, you are like in a fog. I don't know if reality has set in, but lately it seems like the sadness I feel is worse. Maybe, because it will be a year and it seems like yesterday. If it wasn't for my kids and pets, I would probably just stay in bed. I try to keep busy, but I'm having a hard time staying motived. I'm letting things go and I tend to forget to pick up things. I know I need to get it together. I have two beautiful children, that also miss their father. I know it will get better, but it is so hard. I planned on growing old with this man and it's like what happen! I'm trying to take each day as they go and there are good days. I do laugh with family and friends, but like so many of you have stated, so many things remind you of that person and then the sadness washes over you. I have his family here, but they're all dealing with their grief in their own way. We talk about Kelly, but everyone keeps their emotions in check. I know I'm not alone. That there are many others that are feeling this way and that it will get better for all of us. Kelly believed when it was your time, it was your time. It didn't make it any easier to let him go, but I know someday we'll be together again.