To Know You Are Dying Must Be The Worst.

[Suzanne R.]

It is such a huge, heartwrenching, emotional turmoil that we all go through when we have already lost our loved one. To have the knowledge that someone we love dearly will be passing soon must be overwhelmingly sad. I have experienced both and I know that all of us are having a really difficult time with our own emotions and lonliness and despair. But I wonder how it must be for the person who knows they are going to be dieing, I can't even imagine, I haven't had that experience yet, but I think that must be a tremendous burden, especially those who aren't fortunate to have any faith and don't believe in a life after this one or if they believe in nothing, not God, or Heaven or the Judgement day. I can't even imagine what must be going through their minds. It's true that we are all on the same journey, but are on different levels because of where we stepped on to this journey. The reason I brought this up was for very personal reasons. I got the backlash just today from my eldest brother who is dieing of cancer who seems to me to be full of anger, hatred and lies, lies about my own son who I know is the farthest thing from the truth for what my brother believes it is ludicrous and pathetic, and I don't know why he would even think this. It's a long story but I don't even remember the last time my son spoke to him socially because we live in different states and this son is the most ethical, respectful, common sense-filled person I have ever known, he doesn't gossip and doesn't even listen to me when I tell him family things, he is so far removed from any of this, and my brother actually believes that my son is the one who told my sister that my brother is dieing which is what my brother didn't want her to know because he doesn't want her at his funeral. I don't know anything that is going on with my siblings because they have a history together as they are all older and always went on trips together. If you were to look in the dictionary my name would be under the word naive. I called him to ask him to consider forgiving to leave a legacy for his children and I think it's because of his fear of death that he's actually believing my son had anything to do with it. My brother who I always looked up to is dieing and because I'm so afraid of my own health will be put under stress that I can't call him and talk to him now. It's out of my hands. I must turn this over to God. I tried to do what I thought was the right thing and I'm just thinking to know your dieing must be worse than even losing a loved one. I think something snapped inside of his head because he really believes this about my son. So, I've been advised by someone I trust to just let it go. I try to get to the root of things and fix them, but she said don't tell my son, don't tell anyone, it will only make matters worse, but I just don't know how to let things go. I never really knew stress until now. I have my own issues with losing my husband that I'm dealing with. After my brother finished yelling at me, he hung up on me and now I am literally shaking and sobbing. So, he must be going through hell knowing that he is dieing. I feel sorry for myself just for what he put me through but I feel sorry for him as well. I would rather do something good instead of feeling sorry for someone but I just don't have that skill, I guess. I know now that I am not a mediator, I'm not a peacemaker, but I know in my heart I am not a troublemaker either, and I know only God can read my heart. I'm sorry to be long-winded but if I didn't share this I'm going to explode into a nervous breakdown. I pray for you all to have peace. And me too.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Chai]

Dear Suzanne,

I am so terribly sorry to hear of what trouble you are going through with your brother, son, and the rest of the family.

I think it is a blessing indeed to believe in God or afterlife or some thing, in such hard times, and I myself have experienced that it has given me some strength. I hope that you can get some strength from higher sources, too.

I wish I had some advice for what to do with your dear brother. I think it is good that you have someone to trust; at the same time, and no offense, but has this person that you trust ever had someone close die? I personally would encourage you to speak to your brother and try to do some healing between the two of you before he passes; I feel that this would be beneficial to you both, he for his remaining life, and you for your life after him, so that you will have one less thing to trouble you in grief. But, if the matter is just too fragile, then I would say at least speak to your brother, on other topics. Let him know that you love him. If you feel it is right, even talk to him about what he is going through.

When my father was dying of cancer, I did not talk to him about what it was like. He was hoping to recover, and so I tried to be as happy and positive as possible. It was very hard. I would cry after talking to him on the phone. I would cry basically to everyone except him, just so that he could remain with his hope. But in retrospect, I do sometimes wish that I had spoken to him about what was going on; that we had connected on a deeper level, and gone beyond our various types of denial, and just spoken about it. I think it would have deepened our connection and been healing in some way - him, to vent his trouble to the person he held most dear, and me, to not be hurting now and wishing I had leveled with him more during his illness.

I do also think about how, to know you are dying must be the worst. How hard it must be, for them to know that what they have done and will do, is soon over! It makes me very sad when I wonder what my father's real state of mind was then, because I know that he felt he did not accomplish everything he wanted to. And knowing he may have been troubled about that, hurts very much.

I think all we can do is let them know that we love them. And be there as much as possible, and if it is a tough situation like with your brother, leave if it gets too hard to bear. But I would still encourage being htere as much as possible; this come from my personal experirence having been unable to be by my father's side when he was ill as much as I wished, and now the wishing dwells within me still. I do not want that you will wish that you had spoken more to your brother, or been with him more. When it comes down to it, and I do not meant to be hard but - when it comes down to it, these are final days with a loved one. That, I think, will at some point go beyond any arguments and such. That will drop away. It gets down to just, here is this person you love. Show him your love, and know that he loves you very, very much. He is hurting so much in so many ways, but remember that beyond whatever painful stuff he may say to you, he loves you.

I wish you the very best, and your loved ones, and God bless!

((((((HUGS)))))),

take care,

Chai

[Korina]

Scott passed away within 3 days of going into ICU, for which I was completely unprepared. At the time, I didn't even consider that he thought he was dying (maybe because though I knew it I didn't believe it). But when I spoke to the chaplain and his case worker at the addiction treatment centre where he was an inpatient, I realized he considered while in treatment that he might not make it, and then when he spoke to the chaplain in the ICU, their conversation was about dying. Of everything, I think that broke my heart the worst of all. Maybe because we didn't talk about it, and that he bore that burden without me. That he had that fore-knowledge still haunts me.

Korina

[Kat2005]

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Having to deal with this along with everything else is very difficult. You need to know that your brother truly loves you. For some reason people lash out at the ones they love the most.

I wish I would have handled things differently with my husband also. I knew he was very sick and I think I was in denial of just how sick he was. I truly didn't think I would only have nine months with him. I remember when he was diagnosed with the prostate cancer and still in the hospital he turned to me with tears in his eyes. Pat was not sick a day in his life. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he wasn't going to see me anymore. I told him that I wasn't going anywhere and that he couldn't give up. We needed to fight this thing. Pat also suffered from vascular dementia. He had a hard time processing things so alot of times he would ask me why he hurt and I would have to remind him about the prostate cancer. Since I was told in the very beginning that he could live 5 to 10 years, everytime he would bring up dying I would try to be upbeat. I regret not talking to him about it. There were so many things I would have done differently and so many things I would have said to him. I do believe in the afterlife and I know he will be there waiting for me.

I agree with Chai, let your brother know that you love him and remember that your brother truly loves you.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care, Kat

[MartyT]

Suzanne, dear, I too am sorry to learn what you are going through with your brother, your son, and the rest of your family. Your situation reminds me so much of a thread entitled "I Can't Tell Them," written from the perspective of the one who is dying, in our Anticipatory Grief forum; you may want to read through all the posts you'll find there: http://hovforum.ipbh...topic=1206&st=0

Please pay special attention to some of the resources I've mentioned in my response to this woman, which may prove to be very helpful to you as well: http://hovforum.ipbh...findpost&p=6240

[nats]

That's a topic we do not touch on much but I'm glad we are...not for your issue I'm sad for you, but others and maybe one of us...as most know my wife joined God on 2/14/10, I've been healing well, I have a close friend and we are becomming very close, I just had a routine chest x-ray and they found a small nodule in my left lung lower lobe around seventh rib...Dr. says no concern as of now but going to recheck in Oct., well just having Ruth going thru a battle with lung cancer you can only imagine what's going thru my mind, "I may be dying" well it scares me now I've met someone so close, a few months ago it would have been OK, I was ready to be with Ruth, I still am but not yet, I feel God brought us together (this new person) for a reason and have this come up I am at a total shock...maybe it's just I'm selfish I really am confused and just wanted express what is on my mind about knowing your dying, it must be very sad knowing your going to leave your loved one I kinda feel that now, even though it's just "nothing to worry about"...I just pray for all the people who do know they are dying that they be as happy as they can be, have no pain, and feel the love of there family and spouses before they go....

May God Bless All

NATS

[golden48]

Dear Marty,

Thank you for posting Can't Tell's insight on facing death with fruitful comments from fellow posters too, certainly giving us food for thought.

In His loving Grip,

golden 48

[golden48]

Dear Suzanne,

I found it easier and more effective to pen one's thoughts on paper and hand it to the person concerned.

Through the years I found writing, helps tremendously, getting the importance of the contents across to the person concern with calarity of thoughts helps both the sender and the receiver, giving them time to reflect and absorb what is said without being there is also a plus.

Knowing how hard it was going to be for me and our extended family and friends, my husband wrote this 'Final Roundup' so that I did not have to encounter repeating again what was happening to him, I am ever so grateful that in his time of going through the 'valley of the shadow of death' his thoughts were on easing our pain and grief.

In His Loving grip,

Golden48

This was the email he wrote:-

I finally found out today that a bone scan revealed that the prostate cancer had 'jumped' its barrier and is entrenched in the bones.

This is the cause of pain in my hip and not from lifting items heavier than is proper for my age.

At least we both know what is in front of us and had prepared for the occasion. Of course Jess, who is the one being left behind is teary but quite reconciled to the fact that I may have six months, even more, but in any case it is only guess work.

I give thanks that, like you, we both know that this is only a transition and one day we shall rejoice on the day the roll is called up yonder and we shall all know each other face to face.

Our doctor wants me to have some radio therapy in order to relieve the pain in the hip joint and I'll go along with that. She knows specifically that I don't want any other treatments to prolong life. Unless I have quality of life I am not interested in delaying the inevitable.

I will sorely miss Jessie and of course Melissa, Jeremy and the g/children; but then again I was here to witness their arrival and the early years of their lives.

God is surely compassionate, loving and understanding and all will work out perfectly because He knows our need (Jessie's needs)so I expect to leave y'all at what God determines is the right time.

I am to have two ultra sounds within the next two days; one for the abdomen and one for the kidneys. Apparently one of the kidneys isn't functioning at all and the other has a slight obstruction. Makes me feel that I'm falling to bits, yet I feel so well in myself.

Anyway that brings you up-to-date on the happenings in our neck of the woods. Considering world affairs it isn't such a bad time to be leaving.

When I awaken it will be resurrection, whoosh!! and may meet you on the way there - now wouldn't that be something.!!

Our love to you,

Frank

[Suzanne R.]

Thank you all for your helpful comments and support. It is good to know that you are all here and I so appreciate your kind words. May we all have some kind of peace from within. I know now that all I can do is pray for him as I pray for all of you as well. I place it in God's Hands. I don't regret trying to help. Thank you again. May we all have peace somehow.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Marion Claire]

in the 9 months my husband was sick he never mentioned dying. He knew he was but never spoke about it. He would pull me close and just rest his head on me and be so sad and just sit like that for a while. He just could not talk about it to anyone. Except once told one son-in-law he was worried about me financially. My son-in-law assured him our 5 girls would help me any way that was needed as would the adult grandchildren. Think it was too painful the thought of being parted for him to talk about it.

[Frank G]

I had to take my June back into hospital 10 days before she died.I had hired a wheelchair for the last 4 days at home and we'd had to arrange for scans as it seems the chemo. wasn't working.We were told that day that the cancer was 'enveloping' her liver and there was no more could be done.I think she was totally frustrated with being so weak in the legs and now being bed-ridden she seemed to accept the news.

We only had one conversation about death and that was about 2 days later.She held my hand and said,"I'm a bit scared,what do you think happens?"We were both Christian Agnostic so my answer was,"I think you just go to sleep and don't wake up and if we're wrong in our beliefs you'll see your Mom and Dad and brother Keith again."She just smiled at me and said,"That would be nice.You always know what to say to make me feel better."

Her younger brother Keith commited suicide back in the U.K. in the early 1990's.

You all take care Frank G.

[kayc]

Suzanne,

A lot of people when they are dying, aside from being in pain, not liking what's happening, it's a huge adjustment to go through and they are often not themselves. I would simply state the truth and let it go. Your brother may be incapable of retaining truth and reason at this time. I'm really sorry for the situation and the light it casts your son in...do try to shield your son from his remarks. Been there!