Anyone Lost A Friend When You're Grieving?

[emptyinside]

I think one of my friends isn't talking to me anymore. :/ I've always been careful not to talk about grief too much, often going several weeks acting normal. And this friend always encouraged me to be honest with emotions, but one night I got frustrated and cried and I think she disappeared on me. So much for "I'm always here for you, day or night. If you need anything, call me anytime." I feel ashamed I was so open. I'm going to be much much much more careful from now on! I've actually been practicing my "everything's great" face. I hope it works. I can't take more pain, and it's not fair that grief caused my world to change like that. I'm so embarrassed! I should have been more under control.

[jodo]

Hi Emptyinside,

That is REALLY sad about your friend, Is it someone you have known a long time ?? I guess people just don't know how to handle it or what to say to us ? It happens all the time to me, I can see it in their faces when I bring up how sad I am, they just become nervous, and many change the subject. If that friend never "comes back", then I guess that shows what kind of friend she was (or wasn't !) I realize more and more everyday that I am going to have to somehow get through this all by myself (and the help and support of all of you on here !) Well, keep us posted on what happens with that friend ! Take Care, Love and peace to you ! Jodi

[emptyinside]

Yes, a long time. She has been there for me before, though, for the first year. Really listening and encouraging me. Now...poof. I can't stop crying...I messed it all up.

I'll keep you posted. This is silly, but I'd appreciate some good energy or prayers that we'll work it out. Thanks for your kindness.

[Den's Gail]

Yes, I lost a friend of over 30 years right after my husband died and she went through the whole life and death of one of our children with me. I called her and asked her why she hadn't called and she told me she prayed for me all of the time but she didn't know what to say and then she said she was on her way out the door to a block party and hung up. I was crushed. I'm 60 years old now and my husband died suddenly four days after a freak bicycle accident on Nov. 8, 2007. She's five years older than me and both her and her husband have health problems but they're under control but maybe it just hits too close to home and they're afraid it can happen to them.

You shouldn't be embarrassed at all. We need to be able to talk about our feelings, we can't hold them in, it hurts too much and we need real friends who can be there for us.

I'm still having a terrible time and there are very few people who understand. We also lost another child too and my husband had had cancer a few years before he died but survived that and was in very good health. I'm suffering from "complicated grief" which can be from one severe loss or several losses. I also lost my Mom in '79 on Christmas morning from an auto accident and have been through many other losses and traumas in my life but I always had my husband to get through them with. We were very close and did everything together. I was put on xanax after he died and allowed to get on too high of a dose. It's a long story but eventually ended up needing to see a psychiatrist to supposedly get off of it and weaned to an antidepressant, but instead she said it wasn't a high dose which it was, 6 mg., and added an A/D too. Four months later I was in terrible shape and told her I wanted off all the drugs and she said it was her job to prescribe them but my right not to take them. That was in June of 2008 and I won't be finished with this w/d until the end of next May and then it can still take 18 months for my brain to heal from them. I'm also suffering from PTSD after watching my husband fall. We were together since I was 14-1/2 years old and I still wake up every day shocked that this is my life. I just don't feel like I fit anywhere anymore. If it weren't for a few good friends who call every day and one cooks for me and another one shops for me, I don't know what I would do.

I've heard many stories like yours, people just want to hear we're fine and would rather have us fake it than help us. There's even counselors who don't understand so please don't blame yourself.

I don't know whom you lost, but I am very sorry for your loss.

[Daughter2010]

It is a sad thing for your friend to act like that. Then you wonder, where is the real friendship? Sure people out there haven't lost someone but it is important they understand we are all subject to pain and loss. We cannot be expected to fake it just to please others. That should NEVER be the case. Grief is the time where we need to take care of ourselves, our inner motions, feelings, and the last thing we need is someone who cannot contribute to our recovery.

When I say recovery, I don't mean going back to who we were after experiencing our losses. We definitely change and I don't think it is a bad thing at all. Death is part of life and where it is extremely painful and difficult for us to accept, it should not stop us from being who we are or to evolve into this new person. When I hear others say accepting the loss, the death of the loved one, I think they are saying with acceptance comes a new understanding of who we are and how we cope to move forward with our lives. Moving forward feeling that pain in our hearts yes, but moving forward in a way that we keep going for them, for those that have gone home before us, for those who died.

I think about what my dad would want and he most of all would say, keep going I want you to be all you can be and live life. Don't grieve for me because I am here, I can watch over you and you need to keep on going even when I am apparently absent. So everyday, I get up and try to keep going for my Dad. I am human and I do miss him very very much, and yes I have my sad moments and outbursts in public. But you know what? who cares! If those that are supposed to be called our friends, cannot understand the meaning of true friendship, and cannot understand we will feel this way probably for the rest of our lives, then they do not deserve my friendship nor yours. I don't say this in a bad way, mean or resentful way but rather with the understanding that sometimes that happens, and you know what? it is going to be ok.

Some of my friends have really distanced themselves since my father passed away. Then I think, well...where was the so called friendship? I don't know but don't care to find out if they are not there for me specially after this event in my life. I also have come to find my true friendships, and well, I am thankful to God for that.

I have learned to be more appreciative of everything, because we know our time is short, treasure life here. Have i experienced hard times? sure like all of us here, but deep in my heart I know I need to keep going. I have even seen this in my mother. I think little by little she is realizing there is a different life after my father. I know she misses him every single day and will do for the rest of her life. She has had to adapt to her new life, she didn't ask for it, but she is doing it because she has no choice. She always envisioned growing old with dad, they met when she was 15, and married him after a long courtship. She says God gave her the best gift she could ever hope for and that was a husband like my father, 33 years of marriage until he passed away.

To conclude, I would say don't worry about your friend. Remember you don't have to fake anything for anyone. Be yourself. You learn to be selective in terms of who you talk to regarding your emotions and grief. So, I don't think it is a matter of trying to keep emotions under control because those who love you and care about you, will be willing to understand there are times you will feel one way or another and there is nothing wrong with that.

I seriously think, this world needs to understand more about pain, and be more receptive to it because,in reality we will ALL experience loss at one point or another, so we better be more compasionate and understanding of other's emotions.

Big hug for you

-L

[emptyinside]

"Be yourself. You learn to be selective in terms of who you talk to regarding your emotions and grief. So, I don't think it is a matter of trying to keep emotions under control because those who love you and care about you, will be willing to understand there are times you will feel one way or another and there is nothing wrong with that."

Thank you, Daughter2010, for your thoughts. I appreciate your wisdom and insight, and I'm happy you found true friends.

To be honest, though, for me I think people have limits. There are people who are there to listen, there to comfort you, but I let my grief get out of hand and got frustrated, allowing my emotions to erupt, which changed a friendship for the worse. I'm very remorseful about my actions, and I just wish I could go back and do things over. I will be more selective in sharing my feelings with, well, everyone, except on this board. I do not want to go through life alienating more people. It's destroying me, and I'm really at my lowest at the moment, very panic attack ridden, and regretful of my own actions. I'm definitely on a mission to try to be who I was before, when things were normal.

[emptyinside]

Den's Gail, a friend of THIRTY years? I'm so sorry, especially when she was there for the death of one of your children! I don't understand that. How come she was there for the death of one of your children and not for the death of your husband? I'm so sorry you've had so much trauma in your life. I wish you the best outcome in coming off the medication, and I'm glad you have a few people who ARE helping and there for you. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I just don't know what to do...I really can't take more of this pain for very long. I was actually doing better, but with this abandonment I'm back to square one, but this time with no fuel to proceed. I only had one go in me, and I can't climb that mountain again.

[Den's Gail]

Thank you. She was my neighbor and best friend and then they moved a few years before my husband died. We had a private funeral and I called her later and asked why she hadn't called me. She didn't even know about the w/d or anything going on and that's what she said to me. I'm still hurt but have come to terms with some people just can't deal with it. She had five children and one of her children called my number by mistake one morning and recognized my voice and told me she was sorry she dialed my number by mistake and to go back to sleep, I wasn't even sleeping, she just didn't want to talk to me or say anything. Here she remembered my number after years, her kids would always call me if they weren't home and needed anything, we went to all of their showers and weddings but not a word after he died. Only one daughter sends me Christmas cards and writes nice things in them remembering things we did with them.

I know these things really set us back and hurt us more when they could help us instead. I wish I knew the whys, I really do. I just keep praying every day to please not let me have a nervous breakdown and to please help me get through this. I'm trying not even ask why because our faith says we're just supposed to have faith in God and what He gives us but it's SO hard. So many people in w/d can't take care of themselves, it gets worse the lower you get on the drug and they have their spouses to take care of them and all of the responsibilities of the house. I have one problem coming at me after another and it's overwhelming but the evenings are easier, but not as much so as they were, they're getting worse too and I'm alone all day and night except for when someone occasionally comes over to help me with something and then they're gone. Even a man who was one of our best friends isn't nice to me anymore. He started hanging out with his ex-wife and her boyfriend and her friends now, unreal to me but that's his new crowd and he just tells me I need to find a handyman or sell the house. He said no drug takes this long to get off of and if this is what being in love does to you, he's glad he was never in love. He said he knew his marriage was a mistake the night he got married. Before my husband died, he would have done anything for us, my husband would be shocked but people don't understand and just want to have fun and if you don't want to go out with them and aren't capable of it, they just don't have the time for you. He helped me quite a bit in the beginning but now I'm afraid to call him because he's actually yelled at me so badly and I don't need that right now, I'm much too fragile for it.

Your Mom is very lucky to have you and that you are mourning together and you understand her too. That would mean so much to me but since I'm not "moving on" like other people my family just doesn't begin to understand the depth of what I'm going through. I was even afraid to post here, I've been a member for quite some time but the moderator told me to feel safe, that the people here are very understanding, so I reached out to you as my first attempt.

You're hurt now and I certainly understand it, but PLEASE, don't blame yourself for needing people, especially people who said they understand and would be there for you. I pray the pain of this will ease in time and new people will come into your life who will understand and be there for you. It's hard to "fake" it all the time and it's not good for your health either to keep it all in.

Hugs,

Den's Gail...forever

[loulou]

Emptyinside,I know how that feels.I have had friends of 15 years completely shut down on me.I'm talking 1 week after dad died.Now that I can "act" normal again,they seem fine,but I will always remember that they are not truly my friends.I know that sounds harsh,but to me a true friend is someone you can lose it around,and blubber to,and not feel guilty.Someone who would not get uncomfortable about your tears,maybe even would shed a few with you,cause they love you and hurt when you hurt.I even feel dumb breaking down in front of my fiance now,because I can feel a slight tense feeling come over us.Maybe its me.Maybe I'm paranoid.I do have one friend who is all the things I said a friend should be,but only one.Thats how I know it is out there.Maybe give your "friend" some space and decide if you want that to be a superficial friendship like some of mine,or let it go,which I have done to some as well.I dont think you should feel like you pushed that friend away.It's not your fault.Without my one true friend I might have went crazier then I did.I wish everyone would have someone to be open with.The pain is all consuming,if people cant deal with that,thats not our problem.We didn't ask for this pain.love and hugs,(and to Den's gail,and everyone else on this site)

[jennifer1969]

Not to many of my friends call or talk to me since my husband passed away. And if they do and I talk about my husband Mark they will change the subject. I don't know if they don't want to talk about him or if they just don't want to hear me talk about him. I wouldn't ever do that to a friend.

[emptyinside]

I am having a hard time with this. I'm not too good with anything else in my world changing, and I feel like everything is upside down. Any tips on getting through the days or how to make the days less agonizing?

[niamh]

((((HUGS)))) is all I have Em as I'm right there with you

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

You might try spending some time on this page, where you'll find links to a number of very good ideas: Helping Someone Who's Grieving

[Imadaddysgirl2]

Dear emptyinside. You didn't mess it up. Our society doesn't do a very good job of educating people about active grieving. There is a myth that what is out of sight is out of mind, and that if grieving can't be heard, it can't be thought about. I like the article that Marty gave us. It takes skill to learn how to trust someone to share our grief with. I wish we could teach this in our school systems. Thanks, Renee.

[Lostdaughter]

Emptyinside,

I think I can relate to what you're feeling. When my Dad went into Hospice I sort of "lost it" with a few people. In fact, I ended three friendships more or less. But I also lashed out at times in my grief and know I made mistakes. Having done so with more than a handful of people, the ones who were true friends came back and understood to be there for me. The other ones can go by the wayside.

I guess my feeling at this point is that anyone who isn't respectful of what I need to do, take my time to get over things, etc is someone that can move on. Of course, I don't want to lose all my friendships but I will tell you - things were very stormy at times and this was prior to my Dad dying. Now that he's gone, I hope to retain better control of my emotions and do the right thing at all times. But I figure no one gives us a handbook on dealing with grief and we are only human.

LD

[jennys]

I think I'm going through this as well with 3 of my friends. I don't think they mean to distance themselves. It could be a reaction to me distancing myself, I don't really know. I just don't feel I can talk to them about how I feel, or even be honest about how I'm feeling. If I'm not happy and fun all the time they don't want to be around me because I make them feel stressed out. They also think I'm crazy because I've been acting weird. I just can't even explain to them what's going on in my head because I'm too emotional. I cry all the time. The weird thing is one of them lost someone not too long ago, so I should feel like I can talk to her, but I almost need her to tell me it's ok. I don't want to drag her down too. I just feel like a wreck and hate everything about life right now. It's hard to be fun when you're depressed all the time. My grandfather died on my father's side, and my father died a long time ago but I never grieved for him. I have guilt about my grandfather and how things ended with him and grief about my dad dying. Things in my life are good but I feel extreme emotional pain when I'm alone. It's almost unbearable. Any family I'm close to is on the other side of the country and those that are nearby I hardly know or don't feel comfortable talking to. There are other people here I could try to talk to but I'm terrified of ruining more of my friendships.

[niamh]

hi jennys,

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandfather and your father. I lost my Dad suddenly last Christmas, I have no real words for the true pain of it.

I remember someone I knew from childhood who had lost her Dad 2 years prior told me she had lost a couple of friends after losing her Dad..........it was incomprehensible to me. But here I am 9 months later and now I see how possible it is.

I hope I don't lose my friends, I try to be honest with them, I try to let them know when I don't pick up the phone for a while, it's nothing personal, there are simply times when I cannot talk to anyone and need my alone time.

I get paranoid at times because now sometimes it can be weeks before they contact me and I wonder are they sick of my sadness. Yet they are always good when I do talk to them but I guess what hurts the most is that all those little gestures of kindness, the nice texts or emails simply sending hugs or thinking of you, that used to come during the initial days have all faded now, yet now is the time this is more real to me than it ever was in the beginning. Life goes on completely normally for everyone else but I feel like I am in some sort of time warp.

I find it somewhat odd aswell jenny, you mention those that lost someone not too long ago should be the ones you can to talk. I lost my Aunt who I was extremely close to, suddenly 4 years ago. I was with her daughter when we found her. I thought her 4 children would be the ones that could relate most to me, could and would understand some of my feelings. Maybe they do, I really don't know, it's all pretty much fallen apart and I never hear from any of them. I get more random kind messages from old school friends I haven't seen in 18 years than I do some of my family. One of them I used to be best friends with, like sisters. Now we dont talk or see each other. I tried explaining my feelings to her as best as possible, tried explaining that I am dealing with this so differently from how she did but it doesnt mean my way is wrong. Unfortunately as much as she tried and wanted to help, she kept telling me things I "have to do" ........this I simply cannot cope with because nobody else is in my head, while people can relate, nobody can fully know exactly what is going on inside me, therefore nobody can tell me what I "have to" do. It hurt me so much because I opened up so much so I could help her understand my actions, inactions etc but it seemed for fall on deaf ears.

For any of my true friends, I can't put on a face and pretend things are ok .....I have to do that for 39 hours a week in work, it's more than enough time to have to hold it together every single day, week in week out.

Do your friends ever ask how you REALLY are doing ? If you are honest with them, do they try to fix it or just make you feel awkward with your feelings ?

Sometimes I wish I could take to a world stage and try to make everyone understand how truly difficult losing a loved one is, regardless of how much time has passed because I think so many need to be educated about grief, about it's devastating impact, about the true reality of how difficult it is.

I am saddened by peoples attitude at times because I know the one single "good" thing that has come from this, is that I feel I have more compassion than I ever had before for someone who has lost a loved one. I always had compassion but I also had my ideas which were so generalised and OH so wrong.

I hope you know you can share with us here, we all walk this same lonely dark road, we walk in different directions, at different paces but we do meet others along this road.

sending you lots of love and hugs Jenny

Niamh

[Daughter2010]

Hello,

Yes I do think society is not fully educated on grief, as it is something people perceive as not a subject of discussion when in reality talking about it is what really helps others going through this.

I almost lost it today with someone I considered a friend. I've known him for almost 6 yrs and i know he lost his father 6 months prior to being introduced to me. At the time I had no idea about grief, but now I do. Today I decided to ask a question about his father, I wanted to be able to talk about my loss with someone who has gone through a similar experience. What I found was a resounding no, which i found a bit surprising but in a way understandable. Maybe he is one of those people who doesn't want to share his experience, who knows.

I did express my thoughts and I told him I thought he would be understanding of my situation and would be willing to talk about it with me. To top things off I told him I guessed I never knew him well enough to know he wouldn't be supportive.

But in a way I didn't feel his support. I cant make him talk about his father but I sincerely thought I would get a different reaction. Like I said, maybe I never knew him well. Then I thought about it and reflected on how I handle friendships and it just reinforced the idea of being very selective regarding who you talk to about your grief and loss. There will people willing to listen and be compassionate towards others, but some others will be just submerged in their own world, too selfish to look around to help others.

Your true friends will understand or at least try to, and i guess the benefit of this is yes you may lose some friendships, but you too will make new ones and those will be people that will stand by you in any situation. So, all in all realizing not everyone can handle your pain or my pain is a good thing because it teaches you something about yourself, your character and how you perceive life and friendship. That is all that really matters.

-L

[emptyinside]

I think I'm going through this as well with 3 of my friends. I don't think they mean to distance themselves. It could be a reaction to me distancing myself, I don't really know. I just don't feel I can talk to them about how I feel, or even be honest about how I'm feeling. If I'm not happy and fun all the time they don't want to be around me because I make them feel stressed out. They also think I'm crazy because I've been acting weird. I just can't even explain to them what's going on in my head because I'm too emotional. I cry all the time. The weird thing is one of them lost someone not too long ago, so I should feel like I can talk to her, but I almost need her to tell me it's ok. I don't want to drag her down too. I just feel like a wreck and hate everything about life right now. It's hard to be fun when you're depressed all the time. My grandfather died on my father's side, and my father died a long time ago but I never grieved for him. I have guilt about my grandfather and how things ended with him and grief about my dad dying. Things in my life are good but I feel extreme emotional pain when I'm alone. It's almost unbearable. Any family I'm close to is on the other side of the country and those that are nearby I hardly know or don't feel comfortable talking to. There are other people here I could try to talk to but I'm terrified of ruining more of my friendships.

I relate to what you wrote. I don't have experience with a friend losing a loved one, but when I lost one, I expected 100% support and understanding because this is one of the worst things that can happen to a person (I'm learning that this is a stupid expectation). When I'm alone, I feel such pain, and I just feel wrong all over, too scared to reveal too much in the future in case I ruin the rest of my friendships. I'm so self-conscious now. Am I talking too much? Too little? Do I act differently than I normally would? I try to pinpoint these differences so I can stop them, but it's hard to do it when you originate them.

[JamesI]

I think one of my friends isn't talking to me anymore. :/ I've always been careful not to talk about grief too much, often going several weeks acting normal. And this friend always encouraged me to be honest with emotions, but one night I got frustrated and cried and I think she disappeared on me. So much for "I'm always here for you, day or night. If you need anything, call me anytime." I feel ashamed I was so open. I'm going to be much much much more careful from now on! I've actually been practicing my "everything's great" face. I hope it works. I can't take more pain, and it's not fair that grief caused my world to change like that. I'm so embarrassed! I should have been more under control.

Hi Em:

You have no reason to be embarrassed. You were just being honest, which is supposedly what your friend wanted you to be, at least that's the impression she left with you. I had a similar experience. I had emailed a co worker, Marlene, that I had worked with for 2 years to inform her that my mother had passed away. I was transferred from that position to a location closer to my home, but, we kept in touch and would meet occasionally at some work functions and meet for lunch or dinner. We worked well together.

Anyway, she emailed me back and asked me for my address and said she would be in touch. She never wrote, never called, and never emailed me back. I asked her to tell another co worker about my mother passing and I never heard from him either. Recently, the other co worker, Irwin, emailed me to inform me and others on his address list that someone hacked his computer and sent an email asking for money to be sent to Spain because his wallet was stolen and he could not get help from anyone and was desperate.

I knew that it was a bogus email, but, Irwin sent everyone an email explaining that he was hacked and to ignore the bogus email message. So, I emailed Irwin back and told him that I did realize that it was bogus and asked him if heard from Marlene because I have not heard from her for over a year. Irwin told me that she has a habit of doing that to everyone, which I knew, but I just thought she would have been in touch with him. I asked him if Marlene told him about my mother passing and so on. I never received a reply from him either and again, we all had a good working relationship and I went to his retirement party.

I was wondering, why do these people seem to get scared when you mention that someone has passed away. Most people would express their condolences as most decent people do, especially when you know that you had a good working relationship with them and you kept in touch with them as I did.

I was kind of hurt in a way and then I thought maybe they don't know what to say or how to express themselves. Even though I was kind of hurt, I really cannot be angry with these people. I just let it go. If people cannot express their condolences or give you comfort, so be it. You can't make people care. I know that I would not do that to someone.

I've also heard people say, "Oh, if you need anything you need, let me know" "If there is anything I can do" "Just call me" "I'll call you"

I have learned that you cannot rely on anyone but yourself and this includes relatives as well as so called friends, unless of course, you're fortunate enough to have someone that really means what they say.

I do have a friend, Jane, who I grew up with and kept in touch with over the years. She has really helped me so much. She lost her boyfriend about 7 years ago to an illness and understood about grief. She cried with me on the phone and helped me with my journey. I am so grateful to her. The bereavement group has helped me too and I still go it.

My mother passed away on March 20, 2009. I do feel better, but, I am not over it. You never get over it. You learn to get used to it. It still hurts at times. I keep busy and that helps. It helps to be distracted. You need a break now and then from grieving, but, you need to return to it and go through it. It helps you to work it out. There is no timetable.

I have read many books on grieving and continue to do so. It can take 2 or 3 years or more. Whatever it takes. You just need to keep plugging away. You know, get back on track, and move on. Remember the good memories. They can be a comfort. I have many dreams about my mother and that is consoling and also a comfort to me.

I hope that what I told you will help you. Sometimes it helps me if I can help someone. I try to do that at the bereavement group. We all give each other advice and try to help each other. Keep in touch and let me know how things are going.

Take care,

Jim