My Husband Died 7 Days Ago Today

[Darl]

We have been married for 43 years, he battled cancer for 1 year and 10 months. Saturday my daughter came to Florida from Arizona, we went to the beach, pushed him in his wheelchair out to the pier, he ate pizza, had a beer, bought my other daughter fudge, came home and went to bed at 8:30 p.m. and never waked up. On Sunday I called Hope Hospice, they came out to evaluate him and decided it was time to take him to Hospice House. He only had a couple of times he was coherant. He died at 9:30 p.m. Monday. I can't help but wonder if I should have taken him to the hospital first. He had lung cancer, metastasized to his brain, back and his liver. He never believed he was sick until 2 weeks ago when at night in bed while he was holding me he said "I think I am dieing" I know he was waiting for our daughter to get here. Our son did not arrive untill the next day.

I can't believe a friend told me "it was expected, you need to get on with your life" He was only dead 3 days, I have lived with him for 43 years, what were they thinking.

I can hardly stand to be in the bedroom. He had a hospital bed which Hospice picked up so all that is in there is a twin bed for me to sleep on. It hurts so bad not having him here. He was the only person that truly loved me for me, he was my best friend, he encouraged me if I tried something new, he was a good husband and loved his children.

Today the Funeral Home called to say to pick up the ashes and the death certificates. My daughter who lives in FL will bring them to me tomorrow, I don't know how I will stand it. I can't stop crying, I am numb.

Darl

[kiwa]

I am so sorry Darl,

There aren't enough words to express this enough.

I am shocked that your friend has asked you to 'get on with it'.. you get on with things how you want. Please ask her to be more supportive. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a lover. If it means anything to you I still feel numb and it has been 3 years since I lost my mum. I still cry and I still have tough days. In the beginning my friends were setting unrealistic expectations for me too. I just wanted support not pushing and shoving. Your husband sounded like a good man Darl and your daughters sound brilliant too. take your time with things and be kind to yourself. Thinking of you

Kiwa

[ipswitch]

Please accept my condolences.

43 years!!! It sounds as if they were happy ones, too. I found the first few weeks dreadful. The day after the funeral was the worst. It changes and becomes more bearable, but it never goes away, I guess. Of course you're crying. It hurts like anything. I'm not quite six months out, and I still cry at random moments.

My husband had lung cancer, too. But he died only five weeks after his diagnosis. We didn't have much time to say good by.

Your friend is a boob.

I hope you find some peace.

[Billw]

Hi Darl, I'm really sorry that you had to find this site. I am glad it was here for us to find though. Wow, 43 years is a long time god bless you guys. Things seemed to move so fast after the call to Hospice it was all kind of a blur, my wife had ovarian cancer that spread to her bones. It took her in just a year and four months. I am still numb from time to time it will be four months without her on the 29th. It is so raw and surreal at times I didn't think I would get through the first few weeks. The people on this forum have helped a lot over the past months, a problem shared is cut in two and a joy shared is doubled.

I have had some family and friends say some really off the wall stuff at times, that "get on with your life" comment is pretty out there. Until someone has been in this situation they have no idea what they are talking about, stick to the kindness and comfort of those who want to help you feel better, I am "getting through this" not "on with it." Take good care of yourself............BW

[nats]

Darl,

I feel your pain as my wife also battled lung cancer and spread much as your husbands did, we had just 9 months after we found out, she fought hard but God decided it was time for her in heaven so on 2/14/10 she joined all the angels to do her work for God, I continue each day knowing we will be reunited in the kingdom of God when my plan is complete, focusing on this helps me get thru each day....take your time on your terms and one day at a time....we are here for you, there is a wonderful group of people here who fully understand what you are feeling, I pray God will comfort you in someway and I will pray for you...

May God Bless You

NATS

[west]

The first few months are a nightmare and I believe that people do not really know what to say so they say inappropriate things.Most people really do not "get it" unless they have gone through the same experience. I try to remember a good memory each morning as I get up which can bring a smile to my face. Missing his presence is just terrible and people say that time does help. I believe this grief journey is the hardest thing that I ever had to do especially since it came so early and so suddenly. God bless and keep writing. It will help.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you're having to go through this. You have found a very good place here, there are a lot of people who've been through this, all in various stages of grief, and we'll be here to help you through this. At first it feels unbearable but eventually you learn how to cope. It is extremely painful at first, it is hard to assimilate everything as it affects you on so many levels.

Try not to worry about the future, it helps to stay in the present and just tackle what you must this day. Take good care of yourself, make sure to eat right, drink lots of water, and try to get a walk in every day, it helps to control what you can. It also helps to express yourself, get it out, let out your feelings...alot of people don't know how to give appropriate response to someone grieving, but you can always come here where you'll be understood and cared for. A lot of people find help with a grief counselor or a grief support group as well. (((hugs to you)))

Kay

[Deb625]

Hi Darl, for now just concentrate on you, even if it is just one breath at a time, one foot in front of the other. Reach out for support from family and friends and this group, they are all there to help you. I think everyone here has had some things said that were in incredibly poor taste, people just don't understand that you have just lost a large piece of yourself and as Bill said, you won't get over it, but eventually you'll be able to get on with it i.e. this new life that we didn't ask for. I lost my husband 3 months ago and while I'm still not past the uncontrolable sobs and crying everyday, I have found it getting a wee bit easier... Try to take care of yourself as best you can, it will be hard for the next while. Take care, Deb

[redwind30]

Darl, I am so sorry. I understand your pain. Yesterday was four months ago that I lost my husband, the love of my life. He was diagnoised with lung cancer on March 26, three weeks later I lost him. I have found that there are many people who don't understand my pain. Some of those have lost spouses; but there is a huge difference between losing a spouse and losing a soul mate. It sounds like you have lost a soulmate. It was unkind and selfish for your friend to make that comment to you. I understand how those sort of comments can make the pain even worse. I wish I had some sort of answer for you; heck, I wish I had some sort of answer for myself. But as of yet, I have not found any answers. Again, I am so sorry for your pain. Take it one hour at a time.

Try to take care of yourself.

[Mrs.G]

I just had to say I agree so much about what you said, redwind...about the difference between a soulmate and a husband...my husband of 33 years who was killed in an accident a year ago, is my soulmate....

[Mrs.G]

Hi Darl,

So very sorry for your loss. My husband sounds simliar to yours...I say the same things too..."he truly loved me for me...best friend...only man I have ever been in love with". We were married for 33 years. It has been a year and I still miss him every moment of the day. It seems impossible that they are gone out of our lives. It was hard to watch paper work coming in saying he had been deleted from our insurance etc...like he had never existed...the world system wants him gone..but we dont...we need them to be here...and they are not ...these are small thing that cause us extra pain as we grieve our losses. Most of this year I have been living in and out of fog and numbness... mostly in it...that is normal. There are many days that I can not stop crying...that is normal...somehow you will be able to keep on living, though it will feel like you are only existing...that too is normal....I am trying to take one day at a time...because if I dwell on my life without him in a longterm perspective...it is harder to want to go on...but we must...God has more for us to do...as time passes the intensity of pain will lessen...it is still there a year later, but we are able to handle it better. God bless you...

[Queeniemary]

Darl, I am so sorry for your loss. How wonderful that you had 43 years with the man you loved. I am sorry someone was so insensitive to you. My husband has been gone over 7 months now, and I would just bop someone on the head who told me to "get on with my life". I am getting on in the best way that I can, and until someone has gone through this, they truly cannot understand. I am praying for peace for you Darl, and for the strength you need, that we all need to get through every day. You have found a very good place to come to for support.

I am so sorry you had to join this club that none of us want to belong to.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Korina]

Ipswitch is right - your friend is a boob (that said, he/she was probably trying to help - unfortunately, often they simply just don't know what to do).

I am not sure how long I was numb for, but numb I was. During Scott's funeral, I felt as if I was watching the whole thing in the 3rd person - such a strange detachment. I didn't really sleep for a month, but for 2 weeks, I stayed with his mom, and I think the routine of just everyday 'stuff' together helped us both.

This truly is one if not the hardest thing you will go through. But I found that I have found strength through this whole ordeal, and I believe Scott is encouraging me all the way.

Keeping coming back to this forum - I know for me it did and does help me through very difficult days.

Take care,

Korina

[valmalhill]

Darl,

I am so so sorry for your loss. It hurst so bad. I lost my husband who was 45 years old 3 weeks ago. I'm glad you are reaching out for help. We are in the right mind enough to know we need support and we need others who have an idea of how we feel. I too, hate going to our bedroom. We have a King size bed and it is so empty without him in it.

People who have not experienced this kind of loss, don't really know sometimes what to say, even saying some very insenstive things. I had a friend of mine tell me just the other day, that I need to start thinking posiitve thoughts or I will not get better. I think people are uncomfortable with death and they can't understand what we are feeling. 7 days is nothing, 3 weeks is nothing, years may be nothing for some of you too. You cannot put a timeline on grief.

I hope you get some rest and I pray you are supported by people that you lift you up. I'm going to a support group on Saturday and I have a counselor that I just had an indiviual session with. Part of me knows the only thing that would really make me feel better is if Mike was back. We did absolutely everything together. He was my rock and I wonder how I will go on without him. Please keep writing. This is a safe place to share your sorrow. 43 years is a long time, I'm sure you two loved each other very, very much. I hope is watching over you know.

I'm going to pray for peace for you.

Love to you.

Valerie