Girlfriend's Father Passed Away!

[kayc]

Contact right now is a mistake, it's counter productive for what you want. You need to create some distance between your heart and her so you can heal. You do not want her to see you as needy, a big turn off. You do not want her to feel pressured by you which would make her withdraw further. You need her to see you as someone confident, happy, self-assured and a survivor. You won't get that message across to her if you continue to text her. She knows you care about her. For some reason that is not having a desirable affect on her right now. Create a bit of mystery about you...give her a chance to miss you. That won't happen if you continue to show up on her screen. Withdraw yourself to preserve the love that is already there. Each time you don't hear back from her, it creates a disappointment for you...that withdraws from your love bank, causing you to love her less. You may not think so, but it does, it's just like math or science...2+2=4. Unreturned love withdraws from your love bank balance. A smile from her adds to the love bank balance. Love makes sense once you understand it. What makes less sense is when people reject it. But they have their reasons, it's just us that have a hard time figuring it out and one reason for that is because we get mixed signals, confusing us. We have to learn to read the handwriting on the wall, pay attention to red flags. There's always those "ah-ha" moments in life, a moment when a word spoken or something happened that causes a real shift or change in things...sometimes it goes by unnoticed by us because it seems insignificant, but to the other person it changes everything about how they respond. We notice that shift and don't know what caused it.

Last night Jim made mention of "like when you hear wedding bells and it causes your heart to stop, you remember getting married and you can't breathe". That was very enlightening for me. It wasn't me per sae that scared him off so much as a trigger in his brain memory of his previous marriage...he got scared, he got cold feet. He was afraid of making a mistake. He had a horrid 30 year marriage and is quite naturally scared of getting into that situation again. So why did he ask me to marry him? Quite simply, probably because he felt love for me and was caught up in the moment...his impulsiveness took over, he threw caution to the wind...and it was later that his throat got a lump and fear struck through to his heart like a dagger. He called off our wedding date the weekend we were to start marriage counseling. Is that significant? Yes. When it came down to the counseling time, it made it all seem real and he freaked out. He made it clear to me that he was not calling off the marriage, just the date...he procrastinated, apparently tried not to think about it. He changed towards me. Did it have anything to do with me personally? No. Did it mean he loved me less or thought less of me? No. He just isn't up to the snuff. Do I want someone who isn't mature enough to go into marriage and follow through on a commitment and be there for me through thick and thin, as I would for him? No. He has issues to work out. Issues that while understandable, are not acceptable in a partner. Do I still love him and care about him? Yes. But not in the same way that I did. I've had to withdraw for self-preservation. Would he have a chance of getting me back? Yeah, about a 2% chance. You see, if he was willing to work on things, do what he needed to do to make things work, yes, I'd give him a chance...but I do not see any sign of that in the foreseeable future. What I have seen of him shows me that he doesn't work on relationships, doesn't communicate effectively, and is too passive, letting the other person do all of the work. He is a coward and cops out on life. A "non-participator". That doesn't make a good partner. So I can be friends with him and enjoy his company but nothing more. And how I feel about him has nothing to do with it. It takes stepping back from the relationship and feelings and looking in as an observer to be objective enough to make the right decision for yourself. If Jim did not have a commitment phobia, I think we could have had a good life together...there is so much about him that I like and love...he's easygoing, mellow, great sense of humor, I feel we fit in with each other well, our belief system is compatible, I enjoy his company. I could have taught him communication skills had he been willing to learn but he made it clear he was not.

Well in the end, it was his loss. And you know what? Your XGF...it's her loss too. Someday perhaps she'll realize what she threw away and regret it. Perhaps it will be too late...perhaps it won't. But she had something special in you and grief or no grief, she's a fool to throw it away. I know about grief...I didn't throw away special relationships when I went through it. I realize we all respond differently, but I don't think the grief is the cause. I think it a handy blame when there were already underlying problems that we weren't aware of, and when grief strikes the other person, they can't handle it any more, they can't keep those problems at bay anymore, and they aren't in a position to talk about what is really going on...shoot, if they couldn't talk about it before grief struck, you think they can afterwards?

Personally, I think while Jim was taking care of his dying mother he was sleep deprived and overwhelmed and didn't have enough in him to go around and he used that as a platform on which to break up with me on, the truth is he'd had doubts for months that he was too cowardly to convey to me and he didn't want to get married. I think he spoke too soon when he asked me. I think he moved forward in our relationship too fast and while I was able to adjust and keep up, he could not, even though he was the one who set the pace. I think Jim never would have married me even if his mom had not been part of the equation. Not without counseling and help working through his issues, and you have to be a willing participant for that to happen, and he was not. It's funny,just a couple of weeks before he broke up with me he told me he saw us spending our lives together. Liar. You see, the deficiency does not lie in us, it lies in them. There's nothing inherently wrong with them not wanting to marry us but there IS something wrong about being too cowardly to come clean with us. There's something wrong with leading someone on and lying to them. Even if they didn't mean to, even if the person they lied to the most was themselves, and I think that's usually the case. The difference between us and them is we know our own minds...they do not. They're mixed up. It's sad, really. They are people we love and care about, but that's one thing we can't help them with, they have to figure it all out for themselves and do something about it...or not. Over and over again I hear people ask, "What can I do to make him/her love me?" The answer is quite simple, nothing. You can't MAKE someone else do anything! You can work on yourself, and make yourself more appealing, inside and out, but you can't control response, you have to accept what will be.

[Tom19]

I'm not sure about things, I contacted Fern because it was what I felt was right, just a simple text to tell her that I'm thinking of her. It didn't do anything to me, I'm not disappointed that she didn't text back, I never expected her to, I wasn't asking a question and I didn't want her to feel like I was pressurising her into getting in touch, I'm sure she will get in touch in time and that's why I've decided it's just best for me to forget about my stuff for now, it's not important at the moment, Fern's important and I don't want to drown her. I never expect Fern to miss me, I don't expect her mind to be anywhere else apart from thinking of her Dad right now, it would be selfish of me to want her to miss me, I'd rather Fern be happy than miss me, I can deal with being without her but I still love and care for her as much as I ever did. I'm not saying that if she sorted things out to a point where she thought we could be together again then I would want to, because compared to 3 weeks ago, my understanding of the situation has changed massively and I can partly see where she is coming from now. Although I'll never fully understand until I go through the unfortunate events of grief.

Whilst our situations are similar, they're also very different. The fact that yourself and Jim were due to be married is obviously much more serious than two friends who decided to make a go of things in a relationship which worked. There was nothing else, we was happy yet this has had a massive effect on Fern, any 17 year old who loses her Dad is going to be distraught, not only that but Fern and her Dad were the closest Father and Daughter I've ever known. This doesn't change anything that I feel for Fern or what Fern feels for me, it's just right now she can't deal with a relationship and I respect her for telling me.

I'm sorry if this comes across as I'm disregarding your opinion, because I'm not. You're a good person and I wish you the best and I sincerely hope things work out for you better in the future. We both know that I probably wouldn't be posting here if I didn't care about things, but I do, and that's why I seeked out help.

[kayc]

17 explains a lot. I didn't realize she was so young, that puts a whole different slant on it.

I know you think it doesn't decrease your love for her, but given time on a continual basis, it does change things.

Wishing you the best!

[Tom19]

I do hope you didn't take offence to my last post, looking back at it, it does seem to be a little bit harsh and I never meant to come across as argumentative or like I was disregarding your views, because I wouldn't as you have helped me through this and your advice has been great.

I'm not looking to text her everyday, I'd texted her when I wanted and when I feel it's right for Fern, not for me. I just don't want to feel like I've forgotten or abandoned her through this and that I'm still here for her and that I understand her decision and respect her for it.

The fact we're still very young, does make things different, it's a lot for her to cope with.

[kayc]

I'd texted her when I wanted and when I feel it's right for Fern, not for me.

I typed a reply earlier and see it's gone now so I guess it ended up in cyber wasteland.

No offense taken at all. I think the above quote is the emphasis, that you are trying to be there for her in a selfless way. I hope someday she appreciates it but even if not, I know your pure love for her isn't looking for gratitude, but just to be there for her. She is very lucky.

The principles remain even if our situations/people are unique. I will back off from telling you what I think and let you find your own way. Good luck in all of your efforts!

Kay

[kayc]

bumped to a new thread

[Tom19]

Hey Kay,

Still in the same place as I was three days ago, will be 2 weeks on Sunday since we've spoken. Came across some other things of Fern's today and a letter was posted at my house for her, so I'll hold onto that until she gets in touch. Still got my stuff there too, also got some money there and we have a joint DVD rental account, the only thing is the DVD is at Fern's and so I'm being charged but I can't actually use the service although it's only £4 a month for that so it's not a big deal.

Hope things are starting to look up for yourself! x

[kayc]

I hope you aren't getting charged a daily rental. Does she have a roommate that could get it back to you?

Well I got laid off work and there aren't any jobs around, so that kind of sucks, but other than that I'm okay. Did you read the other thread I posted? I put it in a new thread because it might be more pertinent for anyone in a breakup that wants a reconciliation. I know it helped me a lot when I was going through it. I think this is the longest I've been totally out of a relationship and no desire to be in one.

[Tom19]

It's just a monthly fee of £4 a month. She also has £100 of my money at hers, it's kind of a good job I'm not short on cash at the moment!

I seen your other topic you posted, I'm sorry about that, hopefully you find a new job soon! I did read through that other one as well, I'll give it another read through properly on Monday as I'm busy all this weekend! It might help me as I'm having a little bit of a setback just lately, I keep dreaming of Fern again and so not sleeping properly at the moment!

[Eve]

Dear Thomas

I know this was posted a month ago. If I'd known about this forum I would have responded earlier. I don't know if things are ok now with you or your girlfriend. I see on your last post that you are taking some space from each other (?). I think I am in a position to comment because since my sister died the same things have been happening between me and my boyfriend; and reading your story has allowed me to understand what he was going through and why we had a massive argument last week. Following my sister's death last month, I haven't really been able to concentrate on anything else in my life but my grief and the arrangements that come with a death (funeral etc.). I haven't been able to nurture my relationships either - with my friends or my boyfriend. Losing a loved one is such an overwhelming sense of loss that you don't feel quite yourself. I haven't excercised or eaten healthily since she died. I feel like a part of me has died. It is just since last week that I have settled into my normal routine. It is very hard to understand it when you are not going through it - I know you know that. You seem like a very thoughtful young man, my thoughts are with you and her as you go through this difficult situation. My suggestion is to bear it out while it lasts (and it could last very long). I realize now that what is really needed in a time of grief is 'friendship', not a romantic relationship. My bf and I had a huge fight last week because he couldn't understand what I was going through and I thought he was insensitive with me (he didn't mean to). We live together so 'taking space' is not really an option. Keep strong.

[Tom19]

Thank you for your input Eve! It's greatly appreciated. I am so sorry to hear about your situation, I hope you're okay!

Today at work I had another visit from Fern's family, this time her Mum, Sister, Aunt and cousin came in to say hello. Apparently Fern isn't doing very well at all at the moment, and doesn't seem to do anything apart from go work, stay at home or go out with family. Her Mum told me to keep patient and that she's sure she will come around eventually, but yeah, Fern's struggling right now.

One of our mutual friends has a leaving party tomorrow before he leaves for America on Thursday for three months, although I've been told that Fern isn't going (I am) so I guess she's still not up to doing much and is really struggling to cope at all right now. I just wish she would let me in but I understand her reasons for not wanting to hold me back, although I don't see it like that, I want to be there but she doesn't think it's fair and so won't let me in.

[kayc]

I'm sorry about the loss of your sister, Eve. I hope you can work things out with your BF and he can be patient.

I'm sorry you aren't sleeping well, Tom. I know how that is...with my loss of job I'm finding it difficult to sleep now too, and of course when Jim broke up with me, it was a long time before I could sleep through the night. You say you're busy this weekend, at least that is good.

So many go through this, so many break up when there is a loss in their family...I just wonder what happens to married couples when this happens? I lost my father years ago but it didn't affect my husband and my relationship, we just weathered it together. So why is it different for engaged couples? I did give it time to go back to normal after my fiance lost his mom, but he never did go back to wanting me as anything but a friend. It is hard to understand. I still feel if it's a permanent split there had to be other issues, whether they'd ever been brought to light before or not.

I do know that when you lose someone close to you, nothing is normal and others can't understand unless they're going through it too. The hardest loss I ever had was when my husband passed away. To say the grief is overwhelming and all encompassing is an understatement. It takes years to process and "normal" doesn't exist anymore. There is a beginning to grief but no end. But I didn't throw away my sisters because my husband died so it's hard for me to understand how my fiance could toss me completely away when his mom died. If someone could explain it to me, I'd appreciate it. He's never attempted to, and will not talk about it. It's hard to have closure when you don't understand what happened.

[Tom19]

Well at least I had a good weekend, was out with a friend on Saturday and bumped into Fern's cousin and so I stayed with her all night, which was nice! And today I was with my friends for my mates leaving meal. Was with both of Fern's best friends too but we never spoke about Fern anyway, I didn't want to, they asked a little but I'd rather not say anything to them as they could easily just go and tell Fern whatever I say, best to keep things to myself or to people that don't know Fern.

[kayc]

Oh Tom, I'm so glad you had a good weekend! And you are wise to not say anything to Fern's family and friends. You're doing well!

[Tom19]

I don't feel like I'm doing too well though. It's when I dream of her and then I wake up thinking about her and because I'm not seeing or speaking to her it doesn't go away at all sometimes! It's been 15 days since we've spoke now.

[Tom19]

Argh disaster! Just been sorting my bedroom and found loads of Fern's stuff! Thought she was out and so I popped around (we live a one minute drive from each other) expecting it just be her Mum or Brother home. Anyway.. Fern was there. So I didn't know what to do and just said "Is it okay if I just drop your stuff off?" so she replied "Yeah, go on then." Anyway I went to my car and got her things. Went back and gave them her and she said "Thank you, I'd give you yours but I've not managed to sort it all out yet" so I just went "That's fine, are you okay?" Fern said "Yeah, I'll text you when I've sorted things." And that was that.

Got home, I cried. She wasn't fine! I know Fern and I know she wasn't fine. Kind of feel bad for going round and dropping her stuff off but it just kept reminding me and I didn't think she was home (she's normally with friends on a Monday night)

Don't really know to read about it all, is she holding my things for a reason? Or is it just that she doesn't feel like sorting it? I don't know. But I'm going back to complete no contact I think. I hate how much I miss her!

[kayc]

I know, Tom, believe me, I know. When I said you are doing well, I should have qualified that "under the circumstances". I know outwardly we appear to be doing better than we feel like inside.

(((hugs)))

[kayc]

If I had to guess, I imagine she hasn't gotten your stuff together because she's overwhelmed...grief tends to paralyze you and it's hard to do the least little thing. She'll get around to it eventually, but it may take some time.

[Tom19]

The thing is, I'd rather Fern sort it when she's ready to talk to me a little more. I think it hurt me so much because of how it was, she looked so down and she just seemed so unhappy. All she was doing was lying on the sofa when I walked up her path, wrapped in a blanket watching tele with her brother.

I just miss everything about her. I miss not being able to text her random things during the day, having someone to go home to and rant about things with, to just cuddle up and stay warm with, to hold someone's hand, to walk my dog with, to talk absolute nonsense with, to make little jokes with, to turn to and give her a little kiss, to make her laugh, to see her smile when we look at each other, to annoy her and wind her up, to just have that feeling that she would always be there, to buy things for, to spoil her, to text in the morning, to text before I go sleep, to wake up next to, to call beautiful, to make me feel like the luckiest man alive, to do things with, someone to call mine, to be able to talk to friends about, to kiss her on the forehead, to make things with, to help me look after my nephews, to walk her dog with her, to pick her up from work, to call in the middle of the night if I can't sleep, to dream about and then realise things are actually better in reality, to know I'm making her happy, to hear her say I love you, to make her laugh, to watch films together.

[kayc]

I know...I miss all of those things too. Isn't it weird how life is going along and you're happy and you think things will keep going the way they are and all of a sudden something happens randomly and your life is completely changed?!

[Tom19]

Yeah, it's horrible!

Sometimes I just feel so angry and let down by her, I hate how I can't understand things. The one thing that has got to me through all of this is that she can be friends, she can be with anyone apart from me? Fern can't even talk to me! I just want to know why.

[niamh]

maybe "educated" guesswork Tom but not being able to talk to you is possibly because of how in her face it is for all that she has lost ............the one man who would do anything for her no longer here, no boyfriend/partner/husband can provide what a father does, possibly the fear of having another male in her life which doesn't come with any guarantees (no matter how much you tell her you love her, will be there etc, there is an intense fear for a girl losing a father she's close to and nobody can ever provide that same level of security). There's also possibly a fear of losing yet another male person that she was or could be somewhat dependant on .....so it's "easier" to stay away for now..........no expectations, no disappointments.

Also the future possibilities with you..... marriage/family etc .........all things her Dad was supposed to be here for, sometimes when we lose someone we don't only lose that person, we lose our entire future as we "planned" it or hoped for, every dream can be lost because nothing in the future will be what it was supposed to be now.

In some sense girlfriends or just friends may not fully represent a girls dreams in life .....if marriage and family are something someone had hoped for ......but a boyfriend does represent that possiblity. For me personally right now I cannot even fathom the concept of marriage for myself because it would have been something so special to be shared between my Dad & me, I don't know how I could do it without him, for now it's an overwhelming fear to think of it.

as always wishing you much peace Tom,

Niamh

[Tom19]

I guess that makes sense Niamh! Although I won't really know the answer unless we sit down and speak about things, something Fern clearly isn't in the right frame of mind to do at the moment. The past few days have been tough, it's so hard to not have Fern there. A lot of the time I don't know what to do with myself, I just wish I could turn back time and change things, but I know I can't.

It's my birthday in 2 weeks time, the same day would also have been 2 years that me and Fern would have been together, I don't know if she'll be touch before then at all or even say Happy Birthday or anything to me.

[Tom19]

I sent Fern a e-mail today, anyway this is what I said..

"Hello.

I went to see Keaton today so thought you might like to see a picture of him now? Especially seeing as he was your best mate for the 30 minutes that he fell asleep on you when he first came! Also thought your Mum might like to see them so I'll attach them to this. He's so much better at walking now, although he still looks exactly the same! He went mad when he seen me.

I can't apologise enough for invading your personal space, and hope you forgive me. I pinky promise (plus I've never broke a pinky promise, unlike you, you never kept to them, geek!) that I won't get in touch again until you're ready to talk to me, hopefully you will at some point, but like you said before, you don't know how long you'll feel like this for and you can't exactly say when you'll feel as okay as is possible after what's happened.

I'm sorry for my ignorance, I just don't understand things, I don't know how you feel as I've never been through it, but I'll support you if you want me there, although you already know this anyway. My stuff that is at yours isn't important, you're important, nothing else matters apart from you.

Thinking of you like always! x"

[niamh]

I know it's easy to say Tom but no matter what you did even if you could turn back time it would not matter,I know it's so hard but this is not personal,it is nothing you've done wrong,nothing you've said or didn't say,don't mean this to sound bad but it's nothing to do with you at all.

The only way things could still be ok is if you could have saved her Dad which is an impossibility anyways.

I know of course it feels personal and you are hurt.

It takes time to even realise and understand what grief is for anyone who is slapped with it,it's not something we are born knowing about. So it will probably take time for Fern herself to grasp what's happening to her,with her emotions and feelings so until she is aware herself it's almost impossible to talk and explain to someone else.

It took me time,time alone,time reading and trying to make sense of the chaos going on.....it was only then i could "explain" my behaviour to friends.and there was nothing anyone could do to speed up that process,no matter what they did I had to learn and grasp this myself.

Try not to take it personally if she doesn't reply to your email,there's many I've ignored because I simply had no words.

As always wishing things will turn out good for you

N