22-Months, Minutes, Years

[mfh]

It is 22 months today since Bill walked through death's veil. I held him tightly as he took his final breath. His head on my heart, my hand on his. It might as well have been 22 seconds ago for how vivid the memory. As thin as that veil is, it feels worlds away....and sometimes non-existent. But I know he lives in some manner I can not grasp. 22 months feels like 22 years and 22 minutes simultaneously. It is unbelievable to me that it has been this long. So much of the past months are a blur; so many tears and so much wailing; so much pain and agony. But I made it. I never thought I could/would survive. I can't say I am happy....I am not. I am sad and tears sit just behind my eyes constantly.

Last night we shared our art work (I belong to a small group called Local Color-we are all watercolorists-me being the new kid on the block). Every third time we meet our instructor comes and critiques our work...of course, mine is the only work that exudes sadness...I found myself crying as the instructor talked about how well I had expressed my pain, captured the homework assignment to paint "transformation" and some of it should be framed. Then she saw my tears which I normally control most places out in the world... and she reached out. Grateful I am surrounded by understanding friends there including and most especially the instructor. But I AM painting. I AM functioning. I AM doing life's essentials...slowly, usually late, but done. I am not who I was and I do not know this new person well at all. Tsunamis roll in and swallow me up tossing me carelessly on the beach to heal or catch my breath before another one rolls in but I know now that I won't drown (though sometimes I still wish I would). I have one friend whose soul mate of many years died on the same day, within hours, of Bill. We did not know each other then. We both know the meaning of this "ordinary" day in January...no one else I know does. Grief is very lonely in spite of wonderful friends. Monday will be Bill's birthday. This is not how we planned to spend it. We should be traveling around Europe by now. I suspect however he is experiencing the unfathomable beauty of a world I can not see. For that I am glad. Then I start the reliving of the final downward spiral towards his death. The awful hospital days, his death at home...the horrific moment when the world and me changed forever. I am often now able to re-direct my mind when painful memories flood it. At other times I wake up crying due to a dream that shook me from sleep or see some small thing that opens the floodgates of my broken heart. But I am still here...painting my way through this pain; writing my way through it; reading my way through it; sometimes sharing and talking with friends through it...none of whom REALLY get it, and I am left still feeling empty and alone.

Mary

[terp8r]

Mary, I'm sending warm hugs your way and I hope you feel all the caring and understanding we all envelop you with. Love, Pam

[dave s]

Mary am thinking of you on this day. I know it feels so surreal and painfull.......Dave

[MartyT]

I am not who I was and I do not know this new person well at all.

I doubt I'll ever read a better description of where you are in your grief journey than this, dear Mary. You may not know this new person well just yet, but because you are so determined to survive and learn and grow, and because you are moving forward, I've no doubt that you will become the person you are meant to be ~ and you also will recognize once again the person you've always been.

I just read these wise words on Ashley Davis Prend's Facebook page, Transcending Loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief:
You are changed because of your loss, and you are changed irrevocably. Your life is on a new trajectory now. Although it may seem that you have changed in a way that knows only pain, sorrow, and suffering, just wait. As time goes by, bit by bit, and with your own intention, you will change in a way that welcomes tenderness, that bears witness, wisdom, and compassion. Be open to that possibility even if it isn't yet your reality. You are changed.

[HAP]

Very nice Marty.

Mary, you have said this so well i weep with you.

We will grow through this concrete sidewalk.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Thank goodness for this place and all of you who DO get it. It certainly helps with this lonely journey. Marty, thank you for your input. It always means a great deal to me. I am starting to see glimpses of who I have always been. That is consoling. As for who I am, over and above that, the new me remains a stranger yet. I trust I will come to know her in time because, yes, I am totally determined and have been from day 1. I must make the years I have left meaningful and pay tribute to all Bill and I were and had together. Until I know this new me, that can't really happen in its entirety. The journey goes on. What lessons it has and will bring with it. Lessons I never wanted to learn but ones I must use well. I do love Prend's book and quotes from it always speak to me. I actually have two copies....in my fog...I bought replicas of some. Someday the right person will come along and inherit one of them. This quote, is particularly relevant right now.

I thank you all for being there. This safe place to fall feels so comforting. I attached 3 of my paintings. These are not my best (I am a real beginner) but they tell the story. Tsunami of Grief, Part of me is gone, Living in hell are the titles I gave them.

[kayc]

Mary,

Thank you for sharing with us your feelings, your paintings...they express where you are in your grief journey. I remember making collages when George died...one for how I was feeling, and one for where I wanted to be again. I can't say as I'm there entirely yet, but somewhere in between. I think it's great that you can paint your expression, it's a wonderful outlet. Thank you for taking the time to share with us!

[hendrixx2]

Than you mfh for sharing those thoughts, at this point in my journey (3 mo) I can't even think of being able to concentrate long enough on anything else other than the hurt I'm feeling. Your paintings capture my current emotions perfectly.

Your posts have helped me to realize that I may just make it through this after all, again, thanks...

[mfh]

You will make it. It is a tough journey and we are all here for you. Mary

[mfh]

Mary,

Thank you for sharing with us your feelings, your paintings...they express where you are in your grief journey. I remember making collages when George died...one for how I was feeling, and one for where I wanted to be again. I can't say as I'm there entirely yet, but somewhere in between. I think it's great that you can paint your expression, it's a wonderful outlet. Thank you for taking the time to share with us!

Kay, I do find the art healing. Our next assignment is "tangled" as. Theme. That should be easy. A tangle of feelings. Mary

[dave s]

i find it ....soo interesting, how we all deal with this horrible pain......find your paintings...so enlightening Mary, and good....... Thanks for sharing Dave

[HAP]

If this is what you do as a beginner--if this is what you see and create--what will you do when you think you have become good at it? Mary, these are wonderful.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Thank you, Harry. I told my instructor that I fought the assignment to paint "transformation"...and i did fight it. Not sure why since I am transformed since Bill died...maybe it was the acceptance of that...sadly right now that transformation is to pain. Next time we have to paint "tangled"....that feels ok....for I truly am tangled....

Thank you, Harry.

[mfh]

A friend posted this on Facebook this morning:

I will stay with it and endure through suffering hardship, and once the heaving sea has shaken my raft to pieces, then will I swim.

Odysseus

I am going to see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close today. Last week I saw the Iron Lady. The latter I truly recommend if for no other reason...the acting. However, it deal with death also.

[Anne E]

So happy you are finding a creative outlet for your grief. Talking is always good, especially if you can find people who "get it". That's why I appreciate the Women's group at the local Hospice. They get it.

However, I think pouring your feelings into your painting is wonderful. I have found that while I am doing something creative and totally concentrating (I am learning to knit) I do feel calmer and at times am able to think more clearly. Now I see why Dick would go to "his space" and draw and bead when he had a bad day.

Please continue to share your work. I would love to see how your progress.

Anne

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Mary's experience with painting her beautiful water colors ~ and Harry's having written such moving poetry (here and here) ~ teaches us that there are many different ways to get in touch with, express and process what we are feeling in grief. Talking to someone individually or in a group where we can be heard, felt and understood without judging is one way; writing down and sharing our thoughts and feelings with fellow mourners as we do in these forums is another ~ but expressing ourselves in various forms of art can be very powerful indeed. See, for example:

Art Therapy: Healing Grief and Loss (YouTube Video),

Healing Artwork: The Creativity Grief, http://www.recover-from-grief.com/creativity-grief.html

Grief and Creativity with Mother Henna, http://www.motherhenna.com

Mary, I look forward to your comments about http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_quK9SEGYE. I saw it last weekend and found it to be much better than I had expected. (Many of you already know that I think watching movies is another very effective way to get in touch with grief. See, for example, my recent blog post recommending We Bought a Zoo.)

[mfh]

Marty, these links to art therapy and grief are great. Thank you for those. Last year I took most of my CEU hours in art therapy classes at the UW-Madison. Also helpful. It is rare that I can get lost in something other than pain and tears since Bill died. He is always in the back of what is left of my heart and my mind no matter what I am doing. But I do find myself getting totally engrossed in my art. That, in itself, is healing. However, much of what I paint is an expression of my pain and even though that is true, I get lost in it as I am doing it. It is NOT the finished product. It is the process that heals.

As for the movie, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, I just got home. Just as it ended, a former client of Bill's came up to me, someone I had not seen in years. She happened to know the person I was with and was taken aback when she saw me and though she knew Bill had died, she did not know what to say or do. It was uncomfortable and I was not in a space to deal with it. I felt badly for her but I did my best at the time. Her presence interrupted the space I was in as the movie silently ended. The friend I was with and I were just starting to share her pain and my pain when we were interrupted. So I drove home somewhat distracted yet pondering. I came out exhausted and with a headache. The movie was emotional work for me. Its many layers, the stories and emotions behind each character; the relationships between them; the grief that ran throughout; the re-living of 911 (Bill and I traveled in our RV down the St. Johns River in New Brunswick that day); the questions one finds oneself asking as it goes on; and the symbolism that permeates the movie were all pulling at my emotions and my intellect. I plan to spend some time chewing on it and then I will share my response and reactions. Overall, I thought it was good (though it had its weaknesses). I do recommend it as a movie that can help people identify their grief/loss feelings. I find these movies to be healing, cathartic and exhausting emotionally and I recommend movies for that purpose. When I have had clients in the past who can't cry, I suggest movies. It usually helps us both identify their pain. I have been known to bring a movie into my office in rare instances. I will respond later or tomorrow in more depth. Sorry for the long response.

[mfh]

So happy you are finding a creative outlet for your grief. Talking is always good, especially if you can find people who "get it". That's why I appreciate the Women's group at the local Hospice. They get it.

However, I think pouring your feelings into your painting is wonderful. I have found that while I am doing something creative and totally concentrating (I am learning to knit) I do feel calmer and at times am able to think more clearly. Now I see why Dick would go to "his space" and draw and bead when he had a bad day.

Please continue to share your work. I would love to see how your progress.

Anne

Hi Anne, I think knitting is meditative (once one learns). I do not knit, have tried and my hands get in a knot...someday perhaps. It is calming according to my many knitting friends. I am posting a painting here that I posted a while back as it really does define my pain well. It is inspired by a painting I saw on line so I can't claim the idea 100%.. It is really the first painting I did and I saw her version and knew it was me. So I painted it altering the colors to suit me. You might consider getting some watercolors and diving in. You Tube has a ton of lessons (check out Helen Klebasadel on You Tube...she is my instructor). I think everyone can paint and if you are drawn to it, you probably will be good at it but it is not about product...it is about process.... here is the painting called Agony. Peace, Mary

#2 pdf Agony.pdf

[LarrysGirl]

Mary, I didn't read your post until tonite. I hope you find more comfort and peace as you travel this journey. At 6 years, I still don't recognize myself, little bits and pieces feel familiar, hoping to find some acceptance soon. My thoughts are with you, Deborah

[kayc]

Your paintings are great, Mary!

I know how to knit but can't do it (carpal tunnel) but I do enjoy making cards using stamping and die cutting...lately haven't even felt like doing that. Probably need on antidepressants...

[mfh]

Deborah and Kay,

As I drove home today from the movie, I said out loud (I talk to Bill in the car or at home) that I expect that 10 years from now I will be sad and crying and missing him. Hopefully the grief tsunamis will be milder but I will grieve this loss forever...I know that. That does not mean I plan to avoid healing or avoid creating a life that in part is shaped by my grief-by this loss. I think you both are doing at 6 years what I am doing at almost 2 and will be doing at 6 in some way shape or form. I want to use this pain and loss as best I can but it will be there to carry forever, to embrace, to integrate into my identify and my soul. how could I ever not feel sad that Bill is gone? Impossible...I longed for him for my whole life. I "knew" him when I was 14 in that I could have described him to anyone (but he was even better than I imagined)....we spent our lives coming toward each other and finally to having an incredible life/we. That does not go away nor does the pain of losing it. I think we can have a meaningful life and that our pain is a part of what will make it meaningful. I am not sure what meaningful is at this time for me. It is empty now. I think it was CS Lewis who said he did not want a friend who had not had pain in their lives....it deepens us, makes us real, brings us to our knees, makes us more compassionate, more empathic, gives us a bigger view of life-cosmic in my case, rearranges our priorities, lessens our fear of anything else and more that I do not know yet. The friends I am closest have wounds. They know pain and are not afraid to come from their pain. Bill was in touch with pain and I was and am with mine. I think both of you and others here including myself are living that...growing through it and because of it. Of course, I would trade this one for any other pain/loss. But I was not given that option. Thank you for your replies.

Mary

I have been pretty quiet lately. I surely made up for it the last couple days.

[mfh]

Another movie that opened at Thanksgiving (came across it today on Sunday Morning on CBS and it is still playing around here) is Hugo. A family film about a boy whose father died.... The trailer suggests it might be a good film on loss. January is the month of good films. I am always picky about films I see and we saw few during Bill's final years as he was not able to track the stories (loss loss loss of a brilliant mind). I am just now starting to pick and choose and attend those that have meaning to me. I do not do violent films or stupid ones. Nor will I go to one where there is even a hint of an animal being injured in the making of the film or in the film.

http://www.fandango.com/hugo_139935/movieoverview?date=

I am drawn to this one because it involves an antique clock. Bill had an antique clock collection (an cars at one point) and also built our 7'10" grandfather clock-including making the metal hinges on his metal lathe. He loved the precision and hand crafted qualities offered by old clocks and the challenge of keeping them working. We still have several including one that is 200 years old-a skeleton clock with a glass hand blown globe. The clock was stolen when our rural home was totally burglarized in 1988. It is the only thing we got back and it was in tact complete with the key...long story. Other clocks were still packed away as we had not unpacked them yet or they would have been gone also. Interesting how being burglarized was so traumatic then and today, it would mean next to nothing. When the worst happens to a person....everything else falls in line behind it.

Peace

Mary

[Copperpot]

Mary, your words deeply moved me. The way that you express through your paintings is magical. I have found painting to be quite helpful as well. I found this site very recently and have found it to be absolutely wonderful. Thank you for sharing so candidly. I am sure it has helped so many and hopefully it has been has been some small comfort for you in this long journey you are on. Prayers for you and your continued healing.

[Suitearia]

I am not who I was and I do not know this new person well at all.

I doubt I'll ever read a better description of where you are in your grief journey than this, dear Mary. You may not know this new person well just yet, but because you are so determined to survive and learn and grow, and because you are moving forward, I've no doubt that you will become the person you are meant to be ~ and you also will recognize once again the person you've always been.

I just read these wise words on Ashley Davis Prend's Facebook page, Transcending Loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief:

You are changed because of your loss, and you are changed irrevocably. Your life is on a new trajectory now. Although it may seem that you have changed in a way that knows only pain, sorrow, and suffering, just wait. As time goes by, bit by bit, and with your own intention, you will change in a way that welcomes tenderness, that bears witness, wisdom, and compassion. Be open to that possibility even if it isn't yet your reality. You are changed.

I hope these words I copied from an eariler message are true Marty ... I do hope so. Yesterday at 630 am was the 2 month anniversary of Ric's physical death and his rebirth back to home. Yesterday I did pretty well but this morning the sadness prevails. I can function but I just feel so sad and empty inside.

[MartyT]

Suzanne, my dear, at this very early point in your grief journey, I am not at all surprised to learn that "sadness prevails." Grief is a process, not a single event, and it takes a great deal of time (and effort) to learn to carry it as you find your own way through it. If you did "pretty well" yesterday, savor that as evidence that you can do this and you will survive, and know that some days will go better than others. On a bad day, it's okay to give in to that sadness and emptiness. One thing we know for sure about grief is that it changes, and that goes for whatever mood you find yourself in at the moment. Those moments do come, but they also go away ~ and every time that happens, we gain a little bit more confidence, knowing that we have the strength and will to get us through the next one.