Looking For The Positives

[kayc]

I want to lick the beaters! Of course that would break my diet...but oh it looks good!

[HAP]

Dear friends,

We are expecting 8-13 inches more snow this weekend. I shoveled about three feet of snow off the deck this morning as another foot would certainly have made getting out the back door impossible--and might have proven too much for the deck to handle if we ever get rain added to the snowpack. I discovered the beginnings of an ice dam over the deck door that has nor created a problem yet, but needs to be addressed before it does. I pulled the snow down off that section of the roof to expose it to whatever sun we get the next two days.

Yesterday, I went to Westport to sign checks for the scholarship I set up in Jane's memory. The first three recipients are doing quite well. One got his nursing white coat this week. Another already has hers, and the third has a 3.91 cum. He has one B on his transcript in four years--in English. He's going into research. On the remaining two, I'm still waiting on transcripts.

I had a long talk with the folks who run golf tournaments for the Jimmy Fund yesterday afternoon as well. I feel better about it after talking to them but I am concerned that I just don't have as many people as I need to keep all those balls in the air. I think and plan for Walking with Jane like it is a multi-million dollar foundation with a full-time staff of a dozen. The truth is something very different. While we generated over $100,000 in donations last year, maybe $15,000 of that ran through our bank account. The rest went directly to other groups. I'm as close to full time staff as we have--and I just can't do everything I see that needs doing. It's frustrating sometimes. I know I am making a difference. I know we've raised a lot of money, comparatively. I know we've raised awareness beyond where it was a when we started. But I also see how much more needs to be done.

The positive in all this is I am ready for whatever storms--physical or emotional--arrive this weekend. The hatches are ready to batten down--and I have hatches to batten.

Peace,

Harry

[KarenK]

Hello My Friends,

As we all know, for every positive, there must be a negative.

On the positive side, my son & I went to Tucson for a couple of days to the Tucson Gem & Mineral Show. Ron & I had been several times, but Robert had never gone. We had a great time. He is a Geology "buff", so was very excited to see all the stones. I bought a few bead strands & a Boulder Opal pendant which is from Australia. This trip was special for both of us as we do so little together.

On the very negative side, my grandson has become more & more depressed & is talking suicide. He is generally an unhappy person, more so since his girlfriend from "across the pond" has broken up with him. He will not talk to his dad or me & just stays on the computer in his room. I did convince him to go to a doctor last month for some anxiety meds which he takes, but they are doing nothing for him & he has told me to cancel his upcoming appt. We are all familiar with the loss of our soulmate & that it takes time to lessen the hurt, but he can not see this, of course. He feels it is selfish of me to want him to remain on this earth. I feel it is selfish of him to give up on life as I watched 2 of the people I loved struggle so hard to stay alive.

His dad & I are at a loss. He is an adult in the eyes of the law & I can't force him to seek professional help, but suffice to say that I am very worried.

I have not heard from my SIL or grandkids in Kentucky for a while. I e-mailed my grandson twice regarding his other grandmother's address so I could send his birthday gift, but have not heard back. The last time I spoke with my SIL, he was having financial difficulty and considering selling the beautiful farm.

Please forgive me for not being more supportive. I am nearby, but at times can offer no solace. I struggle each day with the loss of Ron & I guess even more with the loss of Debbie. The manner in which they were taken just seems so cruel & senseless.

But life goes on for all of us in whatever manner it wishes. We don't have much say in it, do we?

Love you guys,

Karen

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

I have been wondering about you, and so, I am glad to hear from you, and that the Gem and Mineral Show was a positive for you and your son.

I am so sorry to hear about your grandson's struggles with depression. I hope things turn around soon for him and for all of you. It would be sad if your SIL must sell the farm. I hope things work out there as well.

But now, let me talk of you. I hope you are taking time and self-care for some journaling, some reading, and some time each day to reach out and let us or others hold you and carry a little of your grief, if we can. You have been through a lot. You are still going through a lot with concerns for your grandson and the grief for Ron and Debbie.

Thank you so much for letting us know how your are doing. Please come any time and lean on us, let us hold you up, and and let us wrap you in loving {{{HUGS}}}.

I am holding you in my heart and in prayer.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

My dear Karen,

As fae said,"Thank you for letting us know how you are doing." I'm glad you got to the Tucson Gem and Mineral Show again and with your son.

I keep your grandson in my prayers. This has to be so difficult for the family.

You need no forgiveness for not being supportive to us ~ we are here for you whenever you come. It is your turn to be held up by the love that continues to come from this forum.

Anne

[kayc]

Karen, I'm so glad you and your son had such a good time together...a brief respite from the struggles of life. I'm very sorry your grandson is so unhappy. It is hard to be young because you have no perspective on life with which to compare it to, you don't realize life is ever changing and the pain we feel can change in intensity if we but give it the time and effort to do so. I wish he'd see the doctor, asap.

It's good to hear from you! I just wish life would give you a dose of something good.

[mfh]

Dear Karen,

Marty contacted me about your post about your grandson. I cannot imagine how helpless and frightened you and your son feel. It is difficult to deal with this age group. You have no rights because he is "of age" and so he has to come to a place where he will cooperate with whatever help you can find and that becomes the challenge.

Here are some steps you might takes;

You and your son make an appointment and see the doctor who prescribed the meds to see if he has some ideas about a next step or to see if he can get this young man to come in for a complete physical (blood, urine, Vitamin D, thyroid, Magnesium, hormones, etc). If he is using or abusing alcohol that will make his depression worse as alcohol is a depressant...so finding out what you can about his use of alcohol as well as test results from a complete workup. If he has been sad or moody for a long time, there may be many factors playing into his depression...emotional, social, physical, neurological. It would be so good if he would agree to individual therapy with an empathic therapist who can connect to him and to his pain as well as having a good evaluation. Along that line, his diet and perhaps lack of exercise can be contributing to his mood or depression also...lots of sugar, alcohol (which is sugar), colas, junk food.

You and your son might go to the local suicide prevention center to see what services they offer or suggest. The state may offer services in a situation like this. This will take some foot work and I know you are just wiped out so perhaps your son can carry some of this load.

You might call the MISS Foundation (for families who have lost a child- you certainly qualify). It is headquartered in AZ. See if one of their certified therapists can see him. I would vouch for anyone of them as they are really fussy. This is the link to locate one near you and to study the site. http://certification.missfoundation.org/certified-provider-search

I would not hesitate to ask your grandson to cooperate with you for YOUR sake...i.e. see someone, get evaluated, sign himself in to a psych unit for a two or three week evaluation. He is clearly a danger to himself and maybe the physician he saw can help with this. You can always call 911 if he become actively suicidal. They will take him to an ER where he will be evaluated by a psychiatrist. It may come down to that. Just do it without discussing it if you feel he is in immediate danger.

You can see, I have no answers, just ideas. It is just so difficult because this age range is such a challenge (basically he is an adolescent except in the eyes of the state) and you need his cooperation.

Whatever happens, you can only do so much...sadly. I am so sorry you are going through all this on top of all that has happened. I hope you can get him to agree to get some help (and help him to get it). He is in pain and scared and probably hurt and angry about the girlfriend breaking off so feeling alone and rejected. Not a good mix for someone who is already depressed. All you can do is what you can do and then...hope and pray he can get through this. Again, I am so sorry.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[R.Everit55]

Karen,

I am so sorry for all you're going through.

If your grandson has or is talking suicide you can call 911 or take him to the ER. They will evaluate him and may keep him in the psych unit for safety and med adjustments. OUR son who is now an adult, went thru that and was talking suicide when he was about 16 and we did call 911 and they took him in and kept him for 10 days and got him therapy, proper meds, and he has been good since. He still suffers depression but he has his two little boys now to live for. My Mary passed a month ago and he is so amazingly strong. For myself and his boys.

I will pray for your dear grandson. And you.

Butch.

[KarenK]

First, I want to thank each of you for your concern & suggestions, especially you, Mary for taking the time as I know you are on hiatus. I will discuss these suggestions with my son as he is as lost about this as I am. My grandson has an extremely short fuse & gets upset when anything does not go his way. It is not a perfect world and things do go awry, but he cannot seem to accept this. This is the main reason he & his dad don't get along. Thus he lives with me.

He mentioned that if I called someone to come in & help him that he would kill himself on the spot. I hope this was just his "bravado" talking. He is not violent unless provoked beyond reason & never with me. He does not smoke, drink, do any drugs or socialize AT ALL unless through the Internet. He is an introvert who does not want to be around strangers. He becomes extremely anxious in new situations & therefore has never held a job. Academically he did well in school, but not socially, so he tried online schooling which he got tired of and did not complete. In actuality, he is very intelligent just like his dad, but has no way to apply it.

It is a "can of worms" & has been for quite some time as his mother deserted him when he was little more than a year old. She lives within 5 miles & has several other children, but it is as if he never existed. In his eyes, she is dead. My son raised him alone(with a bit of help from Mom & Dad) & the few women my son had relationships with really did not "mother" him. You would think he might hate women, but that is not the case. I know this is contributing to his feeling of worthlessness whether he admits it or not.

I know this is only part of the problem & a professional may be able to get to the bottom of it. If only he would accept that suggestion.

If this topic continues, in deference to other members, I should probably continue it in the Talking Heals thread as this area is for positives.

Love,

Karen

[shalady]

Karen, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and especially for your grandson.

Shalady

[MartyT]

I agree, Karen, that continuing your topic in another thread is a good idea. Meanwhile, however, I want to add my voice to those of our other members in expressing my concern for you, your son and your grandson in the midst of all the chaos in your life. I am so sorry. You've had way more than your share of burdens to bear, and you so deserve some peace in your life. I also want to thank our dear Mary for responding to your post, as last night I was not in a position to do so.

Karen, my dear, you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope you can act on some of the ideas offered to you. Please keep us posted (as you are able) and know that we are pulling for you. ♥

[HAP]

Dear Karen,

I wish there were something I could add to what others have said, but their suggestions all cover what I would tell you. My thoughts are with you as you deal with this.

Peace,

Harry

[Queeniemary]

Karen, my dear, so very sorry for this additional stress and struggle for you. I have no further suggestions, you have had them from the best, but just want you to know I am praying for you, your son, and your grandson. I am also praying that your son in law does not have to sell the farm. Keeping you close in my heart.

QMary

[mfh]

Karen, I was and am happy to jump in here. My heart goes out to you. Know that I carry you in my heart. I hope your grandson agrees to get some assistance. His agreement is the key.

Peace and love

Mary

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I've spent the day researching the immune system for a series of pieces on immunotherapy I hope to get well-started this weekend, writing Jane's poem for tomorrow, and fixing a major air leak I discovered around the slider this morning. I've always been struck by the amount of cold air that comes off that backdoor when I open the curtains in the morning. Today I went looking for it and found it very quickly. I read a trick about Velcroing the outside edges of the the drapes the other day and tried that in conjunction with a draft blocker. The draft is gone.

Getting Jane's poem written was very difficult this year. The cold and snow have worn me out, with more snow coming tomorrow and well below normal temperatures through the middle of next week. But it's done--I just need to print it out tomorrow and get to the cemetery before the blizzard begins tomorrow afternoon.

I came across a great video today of a cytotoxic T-call killing cancer cells. Getting these cells to be more aggressive about cancer cells is one of the things immunotherapies try to do. It's a neat video even if cancer is not something you have an interest in. https://www.youtube.com/embed/cJU7ZaWe5-o?feature=plcp&rel=0&showinfo=0&autoplay=1

I'm as ready for this next round of weather as I can be. But I've really had about enough.

Peace,

Harry

[MartyT]

This one's for you, Harry

[kayc]

Marty, how fitting! Not just for New England, but Massachusetts, anywhere back east dealing with this never ending snow!

Harry, Thank you for sharing that with us...the research/work they are doing now is going to benefit all of mankind for generations to come.

[HAP]

Dear Marty,

It's beginning to feel that way. Time to move the snow again. More later.

Peace,

Harry

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I'm shoveled out--and it wasn't too bad. Just really cold. And windy. And there was a lot of snow. Did I mention it was cold and windy? Mary, I know it's colder in Wisconsin, but for here, this is outlandish.

And we may be looking at another 6+ on Tuesday.

About all I can do is laugh. And be thankful I bought this snowblower four years ago that I have had second thoughts about every year since. Not this year--that's for sure. Feels like one of the smartest moves I've made in the last four years.

I've put a couple of pictures below for those of you in warmer climates--Anne and Marty--just in case you want to see some snow without getting too cold.

Peace,

Harry

[MartyT]

Seeing it in pictures is about as close as I care to come to it, Harry. Stay warm, stay well, and be careful ♥

[kayc]

Oh Harry, been there, done that! Only without a snowblower. LOTS of shoveling! This is the first year I haven't had snow...only for Christmas eve/day. VERY unusual. What I want to know is if we have global warming, how come back east has so much snow?

[MartyT]

Just so you know, Harry, your beautiful piece, Growing A New Heart, is now "live" on our Grief Healing Blog.

[HAP]

Dear Friends,

Actually, I'm told the melting of the polar ice cap has created more open cold water, resulting in an increase in cold moisture heading south and east, coming into contact with the warm moist air of the Gulf Stream--warmer than usual this year. The combination creates huge coastal storms--this last one even had an eye like a hurricane. Those storms do what hurricanes do--pull cooler Canadian and polar air down into New England as they leave. That's pleasant in the summer, but in winter the air is significantly colder, so the days immediately following the storm are significantly colder than normal. That means cold air is in place to make sure the next storm is snow rather than the rain we most often get this time of year in southern New England when the North Country gets snow.

It's about 1F here this morning with a wind chill of -13F. Houses here are not really built for that level of cold for an extended period of time. My thermostat is set for 65 at night--normally I go for 63, but this winter has made getting the house warm from there in the morning really difficult. This morning the indoor temp was 60F. My heating system is fine--but it just can't keep up. The basement is 48F and the garage is below freezing.

The plow came through again overnight so eventually I have to go out and clear the end of the driveway--again. I can't complain, though. I have friends who are hearing unpleasant sounds from their roofs. That's not a problem for me--at least not yet.

The good news is the latest forecast shows the storm for Tuesday taking a slightly more southerly track, so we are looking at only 1-3 locally with lesser amounts inland and further north. Last night, that was 6+.

Global warming doesn't always result in locally higher temperatures. Sometimes it means more and larger storms. We are certainly seeing those here this winter.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

It'll be important for your friends to get their roofs shoveled off asap or they could collapse. Back when we had six feet of heavy snow at once, we couldn't open/close our bedroom door, that's when I knew I needed help. I was pregnant and couldn't get up on the roof and my husband was gone, plowing snow for the highway department, but a neighbor and some friends came and shoveled the roof off...they literally saved our house.

I was kidding, Harry, but I like your concise explanation, very simply and well explained!

1 degree is just too cold in my estimation, it got down to that here last winter...this year it's balmy, plain crazy! I'm so glad you have a snow plow to help you clear your place! We are concerned about drought this summer because we aren't getting our usual (needed) snow. I keep wondering if it's late coming, but no sign of it yet. Nature is getting confused and flowers are coming up way early...if it freezes they will be lost.

[HAP]

Dear Kay,

Actually, I have no plow. The city plow did the street last night and snowed me back in. Sigh. The snowblower makes short work of most of the job, though. I have taken to clearing the deck by hand. That was my big worry previous to this last storm. I have a neighbor with a six foot drift on theirs that would scare me to death if it were on mine. Mine got to about three feet and made me nervous.

The science of this winter is really fascinating. I read what I wrote about above this weekend. I couldn't resist writing about it given the excuse, even though I suspected you were kidding. Sorry.

I really have had enough of this white stuff. And the cold doesn't do much for me either. It's just wearing me out--snowblower or no snowblower.

I'll pass along about shoveling off the roof--though if their situation is like mine I don't know how they'll get up there.

Peace,

Harry