Meditation

[Wifflesnook]

I went to my great niece's wedding in July. I didn't want to go, but I had to go because I was driving our daughter and grand daughters. It was my birthday, the second without my beloved Pete. Deep down I expected that the fact that it was my birthday might have been acknowledged publicly (mentioned in the speeches). I realised when that didn't happen, how self-centred that was. This wedding was not in any shape or form about me of course. The bride did wish me happy birthday during the day anyway. But it was something which showed me that the awful effort required of me to be there was not in any way balanced by my presence there for others. You will be missed of course, Mary. You must be deeply loved because you are as we know a very very special human being. But the pain and difficulty that going to this wedding would bring to you could never balance. I'm so very very glad that you have made this decision. As you know your advice has been so valuable to me since we met on the forum. I'm glad you are taking your own advice here.

[mfh]

Jan, I don't think it is too much to expect or hope that your birthday would be mentioned but I guess understandable. Glad the bride acknowledged it. I think we who are so raw and vulnerable are hypersensitive also as we walk this path...things bother us that we would not notice before. But at the same time...we know they do not matter...priorities change.

I got an email from my brother saying he was sorry I would not be there and then about the motel bill...I could get stuck with a $900 bill as I learned when my sister responded that "the deadline was two weeks ago as announced in the invite (which I never looked at)....her response was less than warm..."sorry you can't be there...hoping for better days. I know you understand if the motel charges you...gotta go lots of details to take care of" in a nutshell......that was it.

It all reminds me of how much Bill was to me and still is to me. He was my family and losing him meant my entire family died. I feel very alone on this planet. I need to re-read Clarissa Pinkola Estes on family...her writings support me so in this regard. I really have no family, not really, and they would say it is all my fault that I feel this way because they are there and have been there for me. But I will never know how they really feel and pursuing it is so futile.They can not or choose not to hear me. I think they can not. They live with a different compass than mine. It is strange to be so alone...i.e. re family. Feeling very sad about all of it. Even a friend this week could not fathom my not going to the wedding...but she is over involved with her kids. I can't have a conversation with her without the cell phone ringing and if it is a kid (all adults with kids) who she might have talked to an hour ago about nothing... she talks to the caller, no matter where she is....art group, lunch, etc. How could she comprehend my saying no to family?

Hair cut today....cleaning gal is here and we are taking Bill's chair to the garage for Good Will pick up. I replaced the living room chairs, got rid of my old one, put his in his office/guest room and when I got a new chair for my art room, I moved that chair into his office...It seems so strange to move that chair (The Empty Chair) out but was never a good chair as I bought them in a hurry after his hip replacement. our currents at the time swiveled and rocked and I feared he would fall. The chair was always too big for him...he was not a giant man...5'10" at his tallest. 5' 4 when he died.

I am, as fae would say, nattering. It has been a difficult week to feel what I call rejection by family...rejected by silence....Thanks for listening. I always appreciate it. The Empty Chair.pdf I wrote this in 2011.

Mary with love

[enna]

Oh, my dear Mary. Of course we listen. That is what you do so well here. Tuned in to all of our journeys. Listening with an open heart and giving just the right amount of feedback.

I am so sorry that your family does not understand that you have gone through two eye surgeries and your decision about not going is because of your own health!

Haircut is good. I am wearing mine shorter right now because of the high temperatures with humidity!!

I loved your poem reflection about The Empty Chair. I saved it and reread it occasionally. My Jim had to have a special chair for the last several months so he could get up and down. It still is next to the fireplace and I find myself having conversations with him when the house is so still. I hope this will not be thought of as 'crazy'!

This morning I'll be out on the patio having coffee as the sun rises. I love the sky when we have had clouds. Anne

[mfh]

Well Cnrista and I (cleaning gal) just took Bill's chair to the garage.

I talk to Bill all the time....I do not think that is crazy...we know these fine loving men are on the other side of the threshold but we also know they are right with us some how...why would we stop reaching out to them? Never! You are not crazy, Anne. We, at least i do, talk to God,Jesus, Jude, Francis....what is the difference? I talk to my Mom, Betty, Barbara, Mary Ellen, Larry also...just not as often. We are just fine, Anne.

I guess as far as family is concerned, I Ned to let go again. It would just be nice to have so,e softness expressed...c'est la vie!

Off to hair cut...I will feel better

[kayc]

Mary,

$900 is ridiculous! Could you call the hotel and beg them to forgive it being as they still have time to re-rent the room? They should have let you know the deadline for cancellation to begin with or not expect you to pay it. Since you have a very good reason (surgery/recovery), they should understand!

It just sounds like you won't be able to count on family for support. That is hard. But it seems people have family or friends...me, I'm sadly lacking in the friends dept., at least you have some of those!

Jan,

I think because we lost our husband and they used to treat our birthday as something special, we feel it all the more keenly now that they are gone. I cried myself to sleep my first bdy. w/o George...no one remembered it! It hurt and it amazed me. I was even around all of my friends and none of them said Happy Birthday. It hurt because I knew George would have made a big deal about it...I was his life...and I just felt all the more, his absence.

Anne,

The day of the bat and bear encounters, I'd woke up very early, it was still dark, and the sky was incredible! It was mottled with clouds and stars, and so pretty I just inhaled the breathtaking view. I'm so glad there are those here that share my love of nature!

Now I'm off to read Mary's poem!

[kayc]

Mary,

That poem is beautifully penned...it sounds very familiar, did you post it once before? I think we all feel that way...until our chair is empty too.

[MartyT]

Yes, Kay, Mary's poem was published in Grief Digest Magazine and it was posted in our Voices series, here: The Empty Chair ♥

[mfh]

Thank you, Marty.

[mfh]

Mary,

That poem is beautifully penned...it sounds very familiar, did you post it once before? I think we all feel that way...until our chair is empty too.

Kay, thank you for the compliment on my poem. I appreciate it. I wonder how these days are for you with all that is on your plate?

Mary

[MartyT]

Positive Psychologist Dr. Lynn Johnson believes in the power of meditation, and he thinks it can change the world. Here he describes a research study whose findings indicate that eight weeks of meditation training will significantly raise compassion towards others, and he believes that Things Are Getting Better

[mfh]

This is a great piece. I do believe it is getting better in spite of wars, crimes, the disconnection between people in a connected world, and so much more. In 1980 I could not mention spirituality in the corporation I was involved with as a consultant to their wellness program. It was not acceptable in the business world.

Now meditation and mindfulness and spiritual values are a part of every organization. Even in our schools that disallow prayer, meditation and mindfulness is acceptable. It will take millions of people to counterbalance evil but I truly believe it will happen someday....Imagine it. Just imagine it.

The movie UW Center for Mindfulness created illustrates very well the power of meditation and mindfulness. It is happening. Thank you for this post, Marty. The critical mass point will be reached.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Mary

I took my sisters around yesterday, always an exhausting day dealing with walkers and wheelchairs and no handicapped sticker. I always feel relieved when at last I'm home again! It was nice to see my daughter and catch up with her a bit at lunch. My son went home for the weekend to be with his wife and will be back again next week. He is rebuilding the transmission in one truck and doing something to the other one and still needs to get to my plumbing, and I'm going to try and rope him into cleaning my chimney. I've been having fun cooking for two, now need to figure out how to use up all the leftovers in my refrigerator!

Still waiting to hear what the news will be on medical insurance. I can't worry about it, I can only do my best and trust God will take care of me.

[feralfae]

Kay,

I hope all these things get resolved, and that you also finish with the accident, and have time tomorrow to catch your breath and spend a few quiet moments with Arlie, just relaxing.

Peace and Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Kay, I wonder why there is no handicapped card. One of them, if not both, are eligible. When I needed one for Bill, our doctor just gave us a form to fill out. There must be a way to get one for your car so it is there when you do this monthly outing.

I am so glad your son is there to help you with tasks. We both know the value and comfort of having someone who can do those jobs that are beyond us. I bet those leftovers get eaten....when he returns.

[kayc]

My sisters, being the handicapped ones, need to get the auth. from their doctor for the DMV to issue, and I have no idea why they haven't done so. It would sure help! Also, we have to take two cars, so we really need two of them, being as the walker takes up my entire trunk (it's huge) and the wheelchair takes up my sister's trunk.

[enna]

Thank you, Marty, for the link by Dr. Lynn Johnson. How different our world would be if we all became more compassionate.

[mfh]

Here are the notes from last night's talk by Tara Brach. Enjoy. Lots of food for thought but the book is better, of course.

I made an error in the first couple lines. Tara HAS an agreement with the federal government to train congress and others there in Mindfulness. I reported it that she does NOT have such an agreement ...but she does.

Tara notes.pdf

[enna]

Thank you, Mary, for the notes. I so recommend both books. I love the poem. I shall find a way to recite it often. "Self compassion desolves suffering..." wow! I liked the idea of putting your hand over your heart and saying, "I love you, sweetheart." We really don't tell ourselves often enough that we are worthy of love. Thank you.

[Wifflesnook]

Thanks Mary.

[MartyT]

Thank you, Mary, for sharing your notes with all of us. So very thoughtful of you ♥

(I can so relate to the difficulties you had in hearing Tara speak. I have the same problems. So very frustrating ~ especially when you value every word and want so badly to hear everything! Your notes indicate how hard you worked to capture all of it, and we are grateful.)

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you so very much for your notes, and especially for using your "eye time" to share them here. Enough was familiar that I felt comfortable and welcome, and enough was new that I feel inspired and re-affirmed.

You take very good notes.

I hope you are resting and enjoying a peaceful day.

I have put away ladders and loppers, and have come in, and at least sit with myself here, and hold my hand to my heart and call myself many loving names as the mud falls away and the Gold begins to shine. What a wonderful practice for each day! Thank you!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Yes, Marty, the whole hearing thing is very frustrating. The worst last night was when I turned up my hearing aids, the coughs that happen in a crowd (everyone has to cough when the talks start) were like bombs going off and papers turning were worse...as you well know. You have been there and are there also. I know. And yes it did make note taking a bit challenging. Now I am glad I did it because going over them helped me to know what she said since I was so preoccupied with sound.

fae, I am glad you (and I) are holding our hands to our hearts...and peeling away the protective covering to see the gold beneath.

My love to both of you,

Mary

[kayc]

Oh Mary, that is so hard (hearing loss/aids in crowds), I have known so many people that have had that problem. I'm glad you were able to hear some of it at least.

[mfh]

Thanks, Kay. I got most of it. It seemed to deteriorate as the evening went on. This is a brand new building and I do not know why their sound system is so bad. In October Jon Kabat-Zinn speaks there also but his voice will probably carry better as Tara is a gentle soft spoken person. I hope they publish the podcast. It was just a strain to hear and as the evening wore on...a strain to see. Next go the fangs, I guess. I really can't complain... I CAN see.

[kayc]