Meditation

[feralfae]

Mary, there is very little, if anything, you cannot do. You may not be doing it the way you did years ago, but you are adapting and still DOING things as well as still BEING in your life's flow.

Thank you for all you bring to us here.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

As I attempted to get back to sleep after 3 hours of sound sleep...I remembered one more thing that Tara said last night. She asked us in one of the meditations to empty our minds for 10 seconds...of all thoughts. Then asked how many could do that. One hand went up...that of Cheri Maples who was sitting a few seats away. She is the former Madison police officer who trained the whole department to Mindfulness and who brought Tara here. She is now a Buddhist monk, i believe and has a large organization in Madison. Tara said she asked another audience that question, one in which her own mom was a member and her mother was the only one to raise her hand. Of course, Tara was illustrating a point but it is a good challenge that tells us how determined we are to have thoughts as we also attempt to empty our busy monkey minds of all thought.

[mfh]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeanne-ball/meditation-tips_b_3791316.html

3 Ways Meditation Helps you Deal with Adversity. Good video here also.

[mfh]

It just dawned on me why tears fell at Tara's talk when she put her hand on her heart and said "I love you, sweetheart"

Those are the very words Bill said to me on a daily basis. Why would I block that....until now. That started the faucet running for the day. Last night I woke up having a dream, one of those I thought was real for a few seconds. It was weird. I was wanting, in the dream, to write to Bill to tell him Bill died....I needed him to know. Yes, you read that right. Saying those 4 words emphasizing different ones is meaningful if you emphasize the first one, I, it says to me....that I love me even if no one else does. The second one says...I am special. The third says I am pointing you out among many.

I think it is time to hit Costco today. I dread it but the refrigerator is empty, no bread or milk in the house....down to basics. I did that on purpose...emptied it...using stuff up.

I am going on very little sleep today....but must get food in so off I go soon.

Mary sharing peace

[kayc]

I hope you take a nap today, Mary! Rest your eyes!

[mfh]

I am just about ready for a nap. Frozen and cold food is in the frig...the rest of the groceries are on the kitchen table...and floor in bags. Thanks, Kay, for caring.

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary, I've been putting off Costco. So many Doug memories there. I have gone twice, so I know I can do it again.

You are brave to go alone, to shop alone, and to drive with your eyes healing, and imagine still sensitive to light.

I am now inspired.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

I have gone many times since Bill died and every time it is hard as are so many other places.

Every time I put my hand on my heart now and say, I love you, sweetheart, I not only hear me say it to me, but I hear Bill say it to me because those were his exact words....as he hugged me or whispered it to me at a Mahler concert, or a zillion places....and the tears flow as I hear me say it to me and as I remember Bill saying it to me. Both bring tears.

You can do Costco...but add some time to sit in the car afterwards to gather your soul back...from all the aisles in Costco.

[Wifflesnook]

Pete called me Sweetheart too, Mary. And my friend John, who stayed with me for the migration festival, wanted me to walk to the local pub and back. We would have seen many friends, his and mine. But two days before, I had reread a poem of Pete's that he put on the last birthday card he made for me, and it was his poem about us walking back from the pub hand in hand and looking at the crescent moon and hearing the water in the estuary, and I realised that I could never never walk back from the pub with another man, however innocent (if that is the right word) the relationship. I hAe been so blessed, and such a bond is enough. Bitter sweet now, but we had those wonderful shared experiences. Enough.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones, I just had to add this to the list: Cookie Monster Teaches Mindfulness ♥

[enna]

Oh, I suppose that COULD work with chocolate, but....... "ME WAIT." I don't think so. Good try, Marty.

[mfh]

This is fun...especially the video. Great addition...so simple...just wait!

[mfh]

Come on, Anne.... a plate of fudge....while you wait...I will grab it and run!

How is Benji doing?

[feralfae]

Mary, Jan, I love that your husbands called you sweetheart.

Yes, Anne, how is Benji???

Oh, I am laughing Marty! Thank you!

I am being so good at waiting for my chocolate. And tomorrow, I may have a GF chocolate chip cookie Even with all that delicious fudge I still lost two pounds last month, and one so far this month, so I am happy to self-regulate. If I gain a couple pounds, I will need to self-regulate off of chocolate for a month or so. But sometimes, like with the fudge, it is just so much fun to almost get sick with the indulgence in something so entirely heavenly.

Mary, Jan, Kay ... Doug never called me sweetheart. He did call me beautiful woman a lot though, and when in Costco, he would say, in a semi-loud voice, such things as, "Hey, beautiful woman! Do you want the bag of big peppers, or the bag of small peppers?" And everyone would look around for the beautiful woman, and there would be me, beaming, sometimes with clay in my hair. He still thought I was beautiful all the time, which was very nice. Mostly, as a term of endearment, he called me spark. He said I was his spark.

I love the silly cookie monster, and that was a great video for children. Self-regulation is such a difficult concept to teach to little ones, because they see so little sense in it. I don't blame them in a way, but I love having chocolate -- and cookies -- tucked away for next week. I am a squirrel, what can I say?

Today, my iChing says my Path is inaction. So, here I sit. fudgeless and finished with my chocolate rations. I am just fine. I have mocha decaf brewing and I am reading Jospeh Campbell's Pathways to Bliss. I have ordered a couple more Spider Robinson books, because I like his mind.

And I am meditating.

It is good that you are all just as goofy as I am.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Oh, Jan, how wonderful to have that poem about the special time and place and holding hands.

I went out to dinner with one of Doug's good friends while I was in Fairbanks, and I won't do that again any time soon, because he thought I was ready for a lot more involvement than I am ready to have. I am ready for no involvement. I am not ready to date or even go out for coffee except with girlfriends.

So, yes, I understand your feelings. Even if it is a good friend, you are just not ready to layer over those precious memories. Good for you for knowing that and honoring it. I am proud of you, dear heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, I think we adults need that video. Since this eye stuff started I gained weight and now I need to focus on shedding it...argh! I know I did the old comfort food thing...and I am mad at myself because I gained back what I lost.........10 lbs. not that losing that will bring me to a goal but as long as I feel healthy I don't care about that. I just felt better 10-20 pounds lighter. And I shall get there...again. I will wait...eat mindfully again....it works when I apply that technique to food.

I think being called beautiful woman is super neat.And I suspect he was not just referring to physical beauty. I just watched Super Soul Sunday and Maya Angelou was being interviewed. Reminded me that Bill bought me her book: Phenomenal Woman and wrote inside..starting with To My Phenomenal Woman....I need to get that book out.

[enna]

Do you really think I would leave ANY chocolate out, Mary? I like Cookie Monster. I wonder if Marty practices mindfulness with her fudge!!! hummmm

Benji is doing okay. Lots of sleeping and sticking to me like glue. He is glad to be home. He is calm. He hasn't forgotten how to 'beg' for a treat... he sits up on his hind legs and puts one front paw on his face - someone must have taught him that!

My Jim called me Love. I suppose it's the same thing as sweetheart.

I don't go to Costco anymore because I don't have any self control! What am I going to do with a 16 pack of apples! With one of their large chocolate fudge cakes! With produce that's packaged for five people! I have saved on paper products but I can get them at Target now. Did you know you can buy a ten pair package of gold toe tube socks for half the price that they charge at a department store? Jim used to wear them. I cannot buy canned or processed foods and I can't go near the candy isles! There are things I need to work on...

I have several male friends and I know people talk - who cares. We are all friends. Our spouses were friends. Some are teacher friends. I invite male and female friends to dinner. I have a retired doctor friend who thinks I'm beautiful - I accept that. We are like brother and sister. His wife was one of my best friends. I don't know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow let alone a few yesrs down the line!! Maybe I'll remarry when I'm eighty-five. It's not in the cards right now.

My dear forum friends - our weekend is coming to a close. Have a peaceful night. I hope Harry is resting after his walk. Peace, Anne

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary, what a wonderful story of your book from Bill.

Yes, Doug was a definitely referring to more than physical beauty: "what is essential is invisible to the eye." One of our friends has Little Prince quotes on his bottles of wine, so lovely. He sent

I gained weight when I could not move much. Now it seems to be coming off fairly easily with the exercising and weights I am doing. I do not want to $buy$ a new wardrobe, and I am not back into sewing yet. But after the Bernina classes in a week, look out!

Anyway, my goal was a pound or two a month for as long as it takes to get back into my rose coral lace dress and have it look good on me. I think it is a size 10-12. I can get in it, but it does not look so great yet. When I am there, I will post a photo. I have more work to do, I estimate about another 6 months of PT and exercise and deprivation eating, but only about a pound a week at most of deprivation. I estimate I have 12 pounds to go, but maybe 18 if I need to lose more due to lack of muscle tone and muscle. Hey, I only have a negligible limp left, so I am not complaining.

One thing I love about Costco these days are all the organic fresh veggies and fruits and even frozen ones. Also, they have a great GF bread that is super healthy and loaded with grains. And basmati rice, of course. Ah, thank you for the pep talk because I am talking myself in to a trip soon. I am making a list. Yes, I will allow time to regroup in the car. Sometimes, I leave town and drive out about 2 miles to a pasture where there are some horses, and pull off on the tractor turn, and just sit there for a while, shaded by the big cottonwoods along the ditch. We used to bird there, as it is a great migrant trap for warblers.

Ah, time to go do some evening things. I see Anne just posted, so I will go read.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Anne, I am so glad Benji is back to normal minus a little bit of clinging. Bill also called me luv (that is how he spelled it). I guess we had a lot of names for each other...as most couples do.

As for Costco, usually I go with a friend and we split things but today I got some things that do not need splitting like paper towels, coffee, tp, etc. and then went to Copps, our grocery store in Madison. I agree Costco packages things for large families. I wish they did both. And yes, Bill wore those Gold Toe also.

I won't comment on your marrying at age 85 but do invite me if you do...I will help you up the aisle. Seriously, I do get it that we have to let go of what people think. And yes, we are allowed to have male friends who are just friends.

So ends the weekend. Tomorrow a good friend asked me to go over Advanced Directive forms with her and the conversation. Her family will all be in town this week for her brother's funeral (preempting my Mindfulness retreat I was going to on the day of the wedding. I will be at a funeral). She wants to sit with them and talk about advanced directives.

[mfh]

fae, Costco used to have fresh Alaskan salmon and have it no longer....I do not like the Atlantic...after seeing a documentary on the water quality of our oceans when I saw Jane Goodall.

I want to shed the 10 I re-gained since May and then another 10 but i am not under pressure. Not worth it. I never go over the weight I am at now. but I feel better with few pounds. Exercising has been tricky as my pain in my joints etc. limits me. Argh!!

[kayc]

George called me "Little One" since he was twice my size when I met him. I'm not as little as I once was though, I reckon I should try to lose weight. It seems half of it is getting the right mindset and I just haven't had it, with stress from more important issues (mom, job, health insurance, money, etc.). My little sister made a framed photo of George and I on our wedding day and it says Little One on it, and it's so sweet. I'll try to take a picture of it, but a photographer I am not.

(It has our wedding date on the heart)

[MartyT]

Oh Kay, the photo is just adorable! I'm so glad you shared it with us! Just precious of both of you! ♥

[enna]

Thank you ,Kay, for sharing. It's so sweet.

[mfh]

Kay, that is just so lovely...I love how you are leading into each other....and so happy.

[feralfae]

Mary, with all you and Kay and Anne have been going through, I am surprised you have not all overdosed on chocolate or the other drug of your choice. I am lucky to have a pretty high metabolism, and more muscle than most women, because I am a potter and climber. I used to, a few years ago, have the upper body strength of a 30 year-old male. I still have a remarkably sturdy spine: the accident dislocated but did not break my spine completely. Jut squashed a bundle or five of nerves. They are growing back, slowly. Talk about patience! My spine doc says I still have the spine of a 30-year old guy, but I need to rebuild the muscles and nerves from my mid-back down. I am getting some good yoga moves going these days.

But, being "forced" to exercise a lot for PT has its advantages: I usually burn off what I would need to not eat, which lets me have chocolate sometimes.

I was going to take a Tai Chi class, but I had a bad vibe from the instructor, not simply because she talks while chewing gum. that is terrible of me, I know. But it is my time and money, so I will go where I am comfortable, and congratulate myself for doing so.

Oh, Mary, we used to catch all our salmon and I am so looking forward to going fishing for my salmon for the year again someday soon. I don't know if I will hunt unless I find a partner, but I want to go hunt Doug's secret place, where we could line in kayaks and float out the game bags, up in the Arctic Circle. I want to be well enough, strong enough, brave enough, to have more adventures. I am too young to retire from my life that I love, and it is an active one, mostly outdoors. I am sorry some of us cannot enjoy outdoors very much. It is such a healing place to be.

Typing of outdoors, I have a tree in the house that is going to need a taller home soon: my ceilings only go to 12 feet. I think I will put it out in the studio, which is also 12', but there is more room to spread. I will be working around a tree. It does not freeze out there, so it should be okay. I will ask Karen. Mice may nest in the moss, however.

Anne I am so glad to hear the news of Benji. Yes, he is going to stay close and not let you get away again.

Nattering. Thank you Kay for sanctioning the nattering. I guess I'd better prepare to turn in soon, and get a good night of rest, since I have a long day tomorrow.

Thank you all for your love and kindness. Thank you for being present with me. I hope I am learning those things I need to learn on this journey.

Blessings, good evening to all, and

*<twinkles>*

fae