I Need Your Help

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you all of you. And Kay you got it when you said 'this was not merely a loved one, this was MY GEORGE!'

That is how I feel when I read anything about grief. Sort of yes that is all very well for you but THIS WAS MY PETE! And he was the centre of the world. As now the world is nothing. Self-centred it may be, but ultimately I'm sure we are all feeling the same thing.

[kayc]

Chris, Happy Birthday, belated! I know, it's hard going through those days now...but then it's hard going through any day now...at least for a good while.

Is it possible that sometimes a step backwards allows for a better view of the pathway?

I have never heard it put that way before but that is indeed a very apt way of looking at it!

[boogieman]

Mary, yes he a close friend. His name is Nick. We have been friends since the early '90's. We used to work together in construction. He had to quit the industry due to a heart problem years ago. He worked for KRAFT foods until his retirement last year. I saw his children grow up and he mine. He and My Paula are friends. He spoke at My Paulas memorial service. We speak on the phone often. He was/is giving me the time and space for recovery from this tragedy. I know I can count on him for any support I need. He is the friend I referenced earlier as one of the few who understands. A very good man whom I trust. I begin to look forward to our hanging out again. We have common interests and both being retired we have the time.

Now feeling a little more melancholy as the day is winding down. I hope this is normal too. The house is so quiet and nothing on TV interests me much anymore. So I sit and reflect on My Paula. I miss her so. Tearing up now so I need to go.

Chris

[mfh]

Yes, Chris, for many of us the evenings are harder. First of all we are tired. Grief is exhausting as our heads and hearts (emotions) are working hard. So in the evenng, a time when many couples relax together, with our fatigue and weakened defenses the loneliness and pain increases often. I am glad you have a buddy...please do not hesitate to ask him to be with you, go to lunch or wherever you go...play golf etc.

Peace

Mary

[boogieman]

I know this is a tenative day-to-day existence. Exhausted last night I crashed, hard. Woke with all the usual stress-anxiety issues in full force. So down and sad. Not a good way to start any day.

I try so hard to cope with this. To get and have some perspective, some sort of balance in my life, only to be crushed again and again. The highs are not high enough or frequent enough, the lows too low and consuming. I just don't see my way through this nightmare.

From 35 years of glorious companionship to the depth of despair in an instant is more than I can bear.

I know this is the despair talking. I find it harder and harder to overcome. Not able to control it, it engulfs me. I hate it but feel powerless to resist the control it has over me. I try to think of happier times which only magnifies the enormous gulf between then and now.

Chris

[boogieman]

At 3:00 AM this morning, less than 1-1/2 hours from now, My Paula passed away just 2 months ago on April 16th. I hate this state of constant stress and anxiety, the uncertainty, this never-ending loneliness, the pain and agony of life as it is now. So hopeless and meaningless, so not worth dragging myself through the torture of every day to still feel this frustration and futility, devoid of hope and completely emotionally wasted without My Paula. I realize My Paula is not only THE love of my life, she is my perfect ideal fantasy, the one true love of my heart, the one I dreamed about. My Paula who I worshiped, cherished, and adored, my one love that made all my dreams come true. Going on without My Paula is more than I can accept. My only desire is to be with her. I appreciate you all and pray good things for you.

Chris

[Wifflesnook]

Chris, do what she would want you to do - carry on and take care of yourself. We know how you feel, and we walk with you. I know that isn't much but she would be so glad you have friends to talk to. The night time is the hardest, but at the moment all times are hard. It's almost nine am in England and I just saw your message. Please talk to me. Jan

[boogieman]

Its exactly 3:30 AM . The hour My Paula was pronounced officially.

[enna]

I am so so sorry, Chris. The pain is one that can not be explained. I know it will not help you but I just have to say that as you move through this gut-wrenching nightmare the horror of it all will ease. So many of us have been where you are and we know that it is not easy. We are here with you. Anne

[kayc]

Chris,

Anne is right, the intensity of the pain will lessen with time, be glad for it, no one could take pain on that level for years. It won't mean you miss her less or love her less, it's just our bodies adjust so we can live through it.

[boogieman]

My plans for Monday morning early were interupted. Being exhausted I laid down and fell into a trance-like state immediately. I barely remember heading to bed. I lived through the nightmare again.

Deciding to try to alter the all too hated status-quo, I tried something different to deal with the agony. In a mind-set of complete selfishness I put the entire ordeal aside as a means of escape from it. I stayed in bed watching movies and sleeping. All day. Nothing to eat or drink. Just me alone thinking of nothing, simply existing. The phone didn't ring. No knock on the door. A day of complete shut-down. Falling into exhausted sleep again early this morning.

My Paula has been my main focus in life for 35 years. Almost everything I do, every decision, every action is taken in consideration of her and from her perspective. Every decision based on how My Paula would act, react, or be affected by. Yesterday I made a very bad decision. One I will have to do everything in my power to correct.

By setting My Paula aside, even for the day, I dishonored and disrespected her in a manner I find shameful. My solemn vow 35 years ago was to ..."honor, respect, and cherish her to the exclusion of all others until death do us part". A vow I so proudly made and easily honored because she is My Paula. In one day I violated every vow promised. I turned my back on her. I ignored her. I spent the entire day NOT cherishing her. Now I feel dispicable, embarassed, and shamed. I let her down in every way possible by NOT maintaining her as the focal point in my life. I feel as if I "cheated" on her by ignoring her. Putting myself ahead of her is NOT .."to the exclusion of all others".

How could I have been so blind and dismissive of her? The guilt and shame of my actions will stay with me. She is My Paula and deserves so much greater. I ask myself why I did this dispicable thing to find the only answer is I was selfish. In such pain and agony, in such a state-of-mind, I lost sight of My Paula and dishonored her inadvertantly. Intentional or not, the effect is still the same. I allowed myself to set My Paula aside. I forgot My Paula. I chose to ignore her. A potential fear that has haunted me since this past April 16th.

Now in a very short two months time I have committed the sin of omission that I swore to never do or allow to happen. I find this to be an unforgivable act by me. I am brought to my knees with guilt and shame. To disregard My Paula in such a selfish, flippant manner is reprehensable. I still passionately love My Paula with every fiber of my being, with every measure of energy I possess. To now treat her with such disregard horrifies and abases me to the very core of my being. How is it possible that I could not see the outcome of my actions? How could I allow this to happen without considering the impact on her? How did I so carelessly choose this as a viable alternative?

Why now, after 35 years of faithful devotion, did I turn away from My Paula?

My image of myself in relationship to My Paula is damaged. Possibly beyond repair as I have yet to find a way or the means to forgive myself. I let me down. I let her down. How must My Paula feel knowing the inexcusable actions I have taken?

I have noted my fears of exactly this happening in prior posts. Now to be forced to face and admit to this unthinkable action. A mind-set I NEVER wanted to exist. I choose to live with the pain and agony over NOT having My Paula always fresh on my mind for exactly this reason.

I can't "let go" or "move on" if that means loosing even the slightest aspect of My Paula. Even now I still worship and adore My Paula. Being in constant tortuous agony is preferred over not having My Paula at all. Even the slightest disregard of My Paula, even for the briefest of moments is totally unacceptable to me. A situation I will NOT allow to EVER occur again no matter the costs to me.

I am still very much alive, so passionately in love with My Paula, and will remain married to her until my death. My vows to My Paula, and hers to me, are still in full effect and will be honored even to my potential detrement. Life with her under these circumstances is preferred to no life at all.

Chris

[kayc]

Wow, you are really hard on yourself! What I see as taking a break for your own mental well-being, which can be a real necessity, you manage to translate as a sin of omission, a breech against Paula, a forsaking of your vows? Really? I don't get how you get all of that out of it.

I think Paula would prefer you be a little more understanding of your difficult situation and a little more loving to yourself. Honestly, if she had lived and you had died, would you have responded this way to HER?

[Wifflesnook]

Chris you can't keep up that intensity of trying to get near her. She wouldn't want you to. She is with you whatever you do, and you don't need to strive. When you are resting she is with you. You made your vows to always be with her and you will be, whatever you are doing she is within you. Don't feel that you have to focus upon her. There is no need. When we have had a close bond like you have obviously had with Paula it will last as long as you both do. As Kay says don't be so hard on yourself. Imagine the situation reversed. What would you want Paula to do?

[boogieman]

Welcome to my world. Hard on myself?

I have tried so very hard to learn to "live" with this. My guilt, my sin of omission is absolutely real to me. I forsake her memory by NOT actively being engaged in nothing but that. Simply existing without My Paula is not enough. I need and want what I can't have. My broken heart and soul cry out in vain. The depths of my total despair is killing me. Even one day of NOT loving My Paula is one day I can not bear. If I don't hold on with every ounce of strength for every moment I am surely lost. My strength eminates from her presence, not just her spirit. That connection is real. That connection is lost. That link to reality shattered.

My level of dedication and intensity to My Paula now is obviously not enough. If it were I would /could never go for any length of time without thinking of her. Just as I did for 35 years. Every hour of every day was devoted solely to loving My Paula. It often interferred with my work, my hobbies, my "down time". I didn't care then, I don't care now. "I" didn't matter. Only My Paula mattered to me. Nothing but full-time all consuming loving dedication to My Paula. She responded in kind. We were/are a universe unto ourselves. We let NOTHING ever come between us for any reason. No distractions, no diversions, no interference, NOTHING!

All I have left is to strive at any cost to hold on to all I have left. Pictures and memories. The proudest time of my life was complete devotion to My Paula during her final three years. To have less intense emotions now is abhorrent and a totally unsatisfactory mind-set.

I would certainly hope that after two months she would still grieve for me. Not to the level I am caught-up in, but still reeling from my loss. I truly, honestly believe this level of intensity is rational and appropriate for me. I can NEVER love her less. My Paula is gone and I love her even more. I miss My Paula more than my life it's self.

This course of actions may hasten our reunion due to stress and grief. I often hope so.

If not, my dedication to My Paula will keep her alive and present in my heart. Where she has been the focal point and center of my existence for the majority of my life.

Yesterday proved completely that My Paula is indeed NOT with me no matter what I do. I have to, must, actively concentrate on her and her alone if I ever expect her to remain constantly with me.

What will be "Hard on Myself" is to let this situation ever come to pass again.

I may be clinically depressed now. Don't know the full ramificatios of that.

I do know I can't let My Paula out of my mind and heart for any reason. To do so is the end of me.

Chris

[enna]

To me 'letting go' or 'moving on' are not terms I use. I like to think that over this past year I have come to learn how to live with Jim in my daily life. Something I never thought I could do in the very early months of his death. I do not feel that I "simply exist" without my Jim. We are both very much connected as I continue to do what I love to do - read, garden, volunteer, listen to music, play with Benji (my dog), visit with friends, and skype with my grandchildren. Jim is always with me and I talk to him and have even asked his approval on some things like how I am handling my own health issues! All 'normal' actions in my book. The pain of losing someone you love so deeply will always be there - we just learn to adjust without pushing it away - just allowing it to be there.

Chris, i have no doubt that you will find your way to turn this unbearable grief into one that you will be able to live with - the journey will not be easy - there is help - we are not alone unless we choose to be. You are in my thoughts and please remember, you never have to "let My Paula out of my mind and heart for any reason" - you will find a new way to keep her in your heart always. Anne

[boogieman]

Who is to say what "normal" is? It has to differ for each individual.

I use the terms "letting go" and "moving on" for lack of better descriptive words or terms, too.

I have yet to see how allowing any thoughts or actions to enter the space My Paula so completely occupied can do so without displacing My Paula in the process. In fact, I'm trying my best to NOT allow anything else in.

If attitudes and actions I take regarding My Paula fills the hole in my heart there is no room for anything else but her, I ask "Why not"?

After all, why can't it be "normal" for me? Or am I in deep trouble here?

Obsessive? Perhaps.

Futile? Possibly.

Possible? Why not.

Chris

[enna]

Yes Chris, 'normal' differs with each of us. Our choice of words are just that - our choice of words. Each of us fumble in discriptions of our own grief. You are absolutely correct that you grieve as you grieve. No one can tell us HOW to grieve. If your questions are rhetorical and not meant for answers that is good because I surely don't have the answers to anyone elses wondering/questioning.

You are grieving as you know how. That is all we can do.

I have come to understand my grief from reading and the 'work' I have done this past year on my own journey. It did not come easy for me. I will be grieving for the rest of my life. I would not be where I am in this 'process' if it weren't for many, many people reaching out and letting me know that they are here - ready to listen. It makes NO difference what words we use - we are all unique and we can only tell one another how we feel about our own very, very painful losses. You are here and I think that is very brave. I hid for a few months unable to or wanted to admit that my Jim was even dead. It took me months before I could even say the word 'dead.'

Keep expressing yourself, Chris, because in the end it will be you who comes up with your own answers about how you will come through this grief journey. Anne

[boogieman]

Thinking on all this keeps my headache ongoing. I'm so tired.

Tomorrow at 2:00PM is the two month date of My Paulas memorial service. Not going to be a good day for me, again. I am struggeling with maintaining my composure. I'm sure I will loose it later today and tonight.

Rhetorically, what do any of you do when you fully recognize that friends and family "pull back" from contact with you? Initial condolences and support dwindle to little or no contact at all. My brothers the preachers, our children and grand-children up to a point, My Paulas mother, My Paulas sisters, my other brother, long-time friends, etc. I find it somewhat, well I just can't seem to put it into words. Is it still hard for them too, or do they possibly not have a clue as what to do either?

I see it and it makes me feel odd, strange, outcast, uncomfortable.

Why is it equally uncomfortable for them too?

Am I so much less personable and friendly without My Paula than before?

Does the grief, pain, and change in me since My Paulas passing show that greatly?

Is this another fact of life I have to learn to live with?

These issues bother me.

Something else I have noted is the "pity" in some others eyes. Don't you all just hate that?

I know this tragedy has changed me but people seem to react like there is some sort of contagion associated with me. I just can't get a good "read" on this.

Do we inadvertantly give off signs and signals that say "keep away"?

What is now a lonely life made lonelier by peoples withdrawal and hesitance.

Chris

[kayc]

I would surmise that Paula's mother will always have a hard time and her siblings too.

Chris, just because you took a day to do nothing, think nothing, does not mean you ditched her. She is with you in spirit regardless of what you are doing. I don't expect you to understand that just yet, it took me a long time before I fully realized it.

I'm sorry you are not finding others as supportive as you would hope them to be. Yes, it is uncomfortable for people, so they avoid it when they shouldn't. Sometimes people just don't know how to handle things. Death does not come with an instruction manual. We would not be able to focus to absorb it even if it did.

I still say to you, be understanding of yourself and kind to yourself, it is what Paula would want, and it is what you need.

Chris, what grief work are you doing to help you process all of this? I wrote letters to my George, I assimilated it into my art work, I talk to him, I read and talked to (it seems) anyone who would listen. I made a collage of his pictures, it took me 17 hours straight. It has been a hard journey, but one I have worked at very hard, and it does take effort to get through it. It is not merely pining away or crying, but so much more than that. It is acknowledging the loss, it is making effort to focus, recognize anything positive, it is eventually giving yourself permission to smile again without feeling you are betraying them or letting them down. We will NEVER stop missing them, it would not be possible even if we wished it so, but we cannot continue forever in the level of intensity of pain that we initially started this journey with. If I thought that, I would definitely need to continue therapy.

[enna]

Sometimes people just don’t know what to say. People are uncomfortable so they stay away. Here are a few web sites, Chris, that may help you understand why people ‘seem’ to treat you differently. Marty has many links on this topic that I’m sure she can find faster than I.

Supporting a Grieving Person

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm

removed a link that was not going to the correct place!

On our HOV forum, Melina posted a topic on Aug. 8, 2010: Why Do People Pull Away? And some of the responses are helpful.

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?

This web site is helpful for people who just may not know what to do?

How Can I Help?

http://journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/help.htm

[KATPILOT]

All in all, I have learned to accept the way others react to me. They can never understand what I am feeling but maybe they are just doing the best they can even if they unkowingly hurt us. I doubt they could ever understand how it sounds to a grieving person unless they too join this club. Thanks Anne for listing those sites. Even though I have been at this longer , they still help me find peace.

Chris, you seem so angry with yourself. I feel the anguish. I've felt the anguish. So many different emotions are waiting. I hope you can find a way to give yourself some time. Time to cry, time to grieve, time to heal wounds so deep. Try to remember that bad things happen to good people. So many people here have died a thousand deaths. This is just what it looks and feels like for the ones left behind.

You can let it out here. No one will ever judge you for it.

Stephen

[MartyT]

Chris, my dear, I invite you to read this article I happened upon today: Making New Summer Memories. It's written by a woman whose younger brother died when she was 17 and her brother was only 10.

Notice what she has to say about the beginning of her grief experience:

"At first I thought I was betraying him somehow by not being sad enough or crying enough. To me, feeling the pain was some horrible way of honoring him. It meant I hadn’t forgotten him — that my love for him wasn’t gone just because he was."

It took her a very long time to reach a very different place in her grief journey: "So what have I learned? That pain doesn’t honor my brother, it only punishes me. To honor him means to continue on living."

With all due respect, I believe with all my heart that, like the author of this piece, you are confusing holding onto your pain with holding onto your Paula, and it saddens us to see you in so much pain. Still, there is not a person here who would presume to take your pain away from you or to try to talk you out of it. You will let go of your pain only when you are able to look at this differently, and only when you are ready and willing to do so. I just wish you could give to yourself the same degree of love and compassion that you so willingly gave to your Paula all those years. You are so deserving of that.

In the meantime, I hope that by reading the accounts of others who've traveled their own grief paths, you will find that you are not alone and not unique in so much of what you are thinking and feeling.

As for people avoiding you or withdrawing from you, bear in mind that seeing you in so much pain may be very difficult for others to tolerate. Grief is messy, and for those not familiar with it, it can be very hard to be around. Not everyone is capable of "being there" for us when we are in so much raw pain. That is why it can be so helpful to put yourself among other mourners, such as those folks you've encountered here, or the ones you'd surely find in an in-person support group. Mourners know instinctively how to be with you in your pain, because we're not afraid of it. We've all been there too, and we "get it."

[boogieman]

Thank you to all. I am having such a very hard time making this adjustment to life without My Paula.

I write in a journal daily.

I have assembled about 150 of my favorite photos of My Paula, alone and with family. Most I have had made into 8" x 10" prints and put them in a three-ring binder. Many I had duplicates made from and put into frames all around the house. I need to see My Paula in the home she made for us.

I talk to her. I greet her every time I leave or come back home. I kiss her goodnight every night at bedtime. I keep my very favorite picture of her on the nightstand on her side of the bed where she was every night for 35 years. I have the last picture of My Paula as a screen saver on my computer. My Paula is everywhere I look. I ask her if she wants anything or is there something I can do for her. I tell her I love her many times a day. You might say I am still obsessed with her. It's true!

I do everything possible to continue the oh so pleasant lifestyle we shared. Sometimes it is soothing, other times it really sets me off. I never know which but I continue our routine none-the-less.

I don't intentionally hold on to the pain. It is always right there waiting for me. As yet I still haven't gotten past the raw jaggedness of this tragedy.

I do still feel a great deal on anger. The "what if's" abound. My Paula was complaining of abdominal pains months before she finally agreed to see a Dr. What if I had insisted she have it checked earlier? What if we had chosen a different treatment procedure? What if we had made any of the hundreds of decisions differently? Who knows?

I realize this is all second-guessing but I still think that possibly something we could have done might have lead to a very different outcome. My Paula and I trusted her oncologist completely as we know he did his very best. Continuing confirmation letters from My Paulas insurance provider indicate the he followed the acceptable courses of treatments. But still I remain angry. At who or what I don't know. Just angry and hurting.

Chris

[feralfae]

Chris,

I have been angry since three years before Doug escaped. If I let myself start down that spiral, it can suck me way down into thoughts of revenge, public shunning, printing full page ads, all sorts of stuff. I am angry with the doctors who did not know their jobs, the medical technicians who treat people as machines, and the ignorance of a country that denies right to body ownership and treatment of choice.

I am still angry about all of this every day if I let myself begin to think about it. I am working really hard to clear all my anger, to recognize it when it starts to dance, and to gently but firmly send it to a corner, so I can save my strength and energy to heal and work on living again.

Be as angry as you damned well need to be, Chris. I let so much of my anger out on this forum that the Universe stepped in and deleted those pages from this forum. Ask Marty. The discussion is back there somewhere, among the stored photons.

I was totally hot and ready to seek revenge. No one tried to talk me out of it: to the contrary, they all had my back, every time. Kay will totally have your back, and so will everyone here. Bring your pain here, and watch how you learn ways to navigate this pitch with love and learning. Great teachers here. As I was able to be heard and held, loved and MET here, I was able to begin to heal. I still have a long way to go, but I totally believe in the process, which is merely (!) the manifestation of L*ve as compassion and encouragement. This is a terribly painful path we walk, Chris, and it is easy to give up and fall away into anger or hatred, instead of Staying On The Path.

So, come sit with us at this fire, and we will all heal together.

Blessings,

*<feralfae>*

(sorry I have not been around much, have been off doing bungee jumping, emotionally.) I am coming back some now.

[Wifflesnook]

Good advice Fae. Beneath the surface (and often on top of it) we are all in turmoil. How can we not be when we have lost so much? And yet we carry on. Chris I too have pictures everywhere. I stroke the urn in which Pete's ashes are in my bedroom, I talk to him as I empty the moth trap, I touch our cottage walls, I tell him to accompany me on walks, I have two of his pullovers in bed with me at all times, etc etc.

I long for him. When I think about my loss too deeply I veer away from it still even though its 13 months. I shall never be any different and I don't even wish to be. But I do sometimes enjoy something (got to work on that because it gets accompanied by guilt as how could I enjoy anything without him?). Your grief is raw, Chris. We can all feel it with you. We can't do a lot but we can listen, and believe me to have people who listen and who are in the same position is a true blessing. I don't bother talking about my grief to people who haven't experienced their own. Just carry on sharing with us. We can take it. We are there.