I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Fae, I think you are on to something here that strikes a cord for me. The pain and agony, the turmoil and uncertainty, the anger deep within, need an outlet, a means of escape. Otherwise I find it eating me alive as My Paulas cancer did to her. Please excuse the analogy but that is the way I see and describe it.

Having permission to be as angry as I need to be is refreshing. Not having a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on is so very isolating. Not having anyone around who understands is painful in and of itself. We all need the care, understanding, and support of each other. Thank you all for accepting me into your midsts.

Like you , Jan, I don't want to be other than I am now either, but I begin to recognize the self-destructivness of that and that alone. I know I must somehow, now, rely on My Paula to continue my transition. Like you, I too feel guilty at the idea of enjoying even the smallest of pleasures without My Paula. Now I begin to understand that by allowing myself some small measure of pleasure, it pleases her too. My Paula lived to please me at every opportunity. When I am happy it pleases her. And loving and pleasing My Paula is what my life is all about.

I go to bed nightly pondering these heavy matters. Sleeping fairly well the last few nights (a rarity for me!) I waken with new fresh insights. I prefer to think that My Paula, somehow, comes to me to help me resolve those issues , to see the possabilities beyond now. I do so love and miss her and her easy way of soothing me in the worst of times.

Today at 2:00 PM is the two month date of My Paulas memorial service. I expect it to be a hard time.

Chris

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

I am in Alaska, where a bit more than a year ago we held my Doug's Life Celebration on May 19-20. I have cleaned out our home up here. Anniversaries, especially the early ones like your two month anniversary of the memorial service, are not easy on our hearts. I hear you on the anger eating us. Doug had advanced and metastasized colon cancer when it was finally diagnosed by the fourth doctor, and we fought hard for three years.

Today will be hard for you, yes. It is healing and clearing for your spirit that you can acknowledge that fact, let the sadness, anger, loneliness, and all forms of grief flow through and out of you as they arise. Cry a lot. Wail. Meditate. Be so compassionate with yourself that you begin to trust yourself again to feel. I am still learning all this, and your experience may vary, but this is the best I can say today. I had to acknowledge and release the anger. I did not act on it, but I sure did write a lot about it. Come here and write it all out if you can. It helps.

Everyone here just held me in their hearts and let me rant and natter, and they still do. There have been days when I have had to go kick a tree, or sit and think very dark thoughts about some people. I needed to talk about it, share with people who would not try to talk me out of my anger and sometimes my rage. I am glad for the years we had, but angry that our thirty-year plan did not get done. But a lot of the anger is gone, a lot of the sense of betrayal is lifting, and I think I can let go of the rest of these heavy feelings as I begin to move back into life more little by little. It has been more than a year since Doug left, and I can feel that there is some healing. This is a healing place.

Here, I have found the unconditional love that I needed. No one suggested I move out of my pain, anger, or sorrow. No one tried to tell me how to make my journey. They just hold and love us, everyone knowing the confusion, pain, and longing that overwhelm our hearts. I think this is the hardest journey I have ever made, but I am truly glad I am making it, and I know, as I begin to see more light and hope, that this is a journey that I needed to make, at my own pace, in my own time, for my heart's sake and the sake of my future.

I am sure that when you are still, sleeping, or meditating, you can hear the quiet loving voice of your Paula. I think Paula will help you every minute, every step, as you make this journey. And we are here to hold you and share your journey. For all our broken-ness, we are a pretty tough bunch in some very caring ways.

I am glad to hear you are sleeping better.

Peace to you, and Blessings.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

We have been in your spot, we understand the anger...I don't think anger to YOU is justified, but anger in general...still, we can't help how we feel, we're just left dealing with the aftermath of our feelings. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. I, too, had self-incriminations (what if I'd pushed George to go to another doctor instead of letting him handle it and he'd been sent to a specialist who would have diagnosed him sooner before it was too late?) Ahh, but we're human and we do our best with the knowledge and our own limitations that we have at the time. Hindsight is always easier, but we aren't given the privilege of hindsight as foresight!

Ahh...we give you permission to be angry or to smile, to take a break or to become obsessive, whatever you need to get through this journey on any given day! When George died, I swear, my home and esp. our bedroom looked like a shrine to him! I kissed his picture every night. I wrote him letters daily. This is normal response (I think). The adjustment to having them physically in our everyday lives to "not" is astronomical!

[Wifflesnook]

Chris, I like to think that when anything remotely good happens to me it is because Pete is helping it to happen. The old cynical Jan would scoff at this and call it wishful thinking. The new bereaved Jan is totally different. I am only one quarter of the person I was when Pete was alongside me, but I have to think of him still completing me even though I don't have his physical presence. I don't want to settle for anything less than the past returning but of course even I know that will never happen. Bereavement of a soul mate utterly changes us, our world, our future, our expectations. I don't usually feel anger but I do feel deeply robbed. But I am carrying on. I keep telling myself how brave I am. Pete always told me I was a brave person but when he was alive I didn't really have anything to be brave about. When he was struck down by the stroke then I know I was really brave. And now I have to continue. So I do, as what alternative is there? And I will work upon enjoying things. Right now whenever I do seem to enjoy something I slap down the feeling as totally inappropriate. Pete would totally disapprove of my feeling that. He would, like your Paula, want only good for me whilst I am still in this world.

[boogieman]

I know all of you are dealing with the same issues I have just now begun to deal with. It is so much harder than even my vivid imagination could conjure-up. The constant stress, the headaches, the anger, the confusion, the complete uncertainty, the frustration, and the ever present pain of my loss really does take a physical toll.

My Paula had colon cancer that metastasized to her liver, abdominal lymph nodes, bones (namely both hips and T-12 vertabrae), tumors on both hips and vertabrae, her gall bladder, her lungs, and into her neck. I still feel so utterly shattered and hopelessly in agony for her and what she had to endure. My heart aches for My Paula and the torture she had to go through.

And Kay, If what you describe as "normal" is in fact abnormal, I support you in that. I have done the very same and more! Seem only normal and natural to me, too!

At 2:00 I called my good friend Nick. The one friend who understands this better than most. We talked, I cried, and we shared stories and snippets about My Paula for over an hour. He helped me get through this time so much more easily. I do appreciate him and his compassion.

During the course of our conversations I mentioned taking My Paula out of the house once before. Although welcomed there, My Paulas urn was shortly whisked away to a bedroom where she was alone. Nick then insisted on my bringing My Paula along the next time I go to visit him. He and My Paula are friends because Nick is my friend. How good a friend is this?

I know this is hard for us all. I appreciate the opportunity to "share" this with those who truly understand.

As my head is throbbing I feel a nap coming on.

Chris

[kayc]

Chris,

One of the things I stopped worrying about is what is "normal" in grief. Who determines that anyway? I am beyond caring what others think about how I handle grief...most of those "others" haven't been through it so what do they know? Surviving is a feat, and I feel we need to applaud ourselves for just doing that!

Your friend, Nick, sounds like a keeper, indeed! How cool is that! I'm glad you have him to share with about your Paula.

[boogieman]

Hey Kay. I decide what is normal for me. Those who haven't walked this knife-edge have no room to decide anything for those of us who are. Surviving on any terms is a Herculean feat.

I knew this was going to be a hard day, and it was. Each special date evoking raw emotions and loving memories.

I find the night-time the hardest for me. The house is so quiet and lonely. So seemingly disconnected from the world. Nothing on TV. I have been going to bed early recently but that doesn't always work out. Earlier when I woke, I noticed it was around 6:00 PM. About the time My Paula gets up from her nap. Not immediately seeing her I headed down the hall to our bedroom. About half-way down the hall I stopped and broke down again. I realized My Paula wasn't there either. I still have great difficulty in accepting or even believing My Paula is gone. I imagine I always will.

One thing I noted and spoke with Nick about is this. When those of us fortunate enough to find real true love and happiness, and are able to soar to those rarified heights, the greater the potential fall. And I, for one, have fallen far and hit hard.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I hope and pray it is better days.

Chris

[feralfae]

Chris,

I hear you.

It gets easier. Not easy, but easier. Maybe in a few more months I will feel even better.

Take care of yourself, and find minutes of peace among the chaos of the days whenever you can.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

You are right, in that the deeper the love, the harder the loss. There will come a day when you will automatically know she is gone and it won't hit you afresh all the time like it did when you were walking down the hall. I remember when the phone would ring and I'd expect it to be him...only to remember. I don't go through that anymore, after all this time I already know he's not coming home or calling.

[boogieman]

That first moment of full acknowledgement and acceptance must be hard. When my DAD passed away I would pick-up the phone to call him often, only to remember about half-way through the number. This went on for over a year. Not quite the same as My Paula.

Chris

[KATPILOT]

Chris, I can so relate to the picking up to call your dad and then remembering..... I had a tendency to do the same as he lived 4 hours away and I would call him pretty often. He died a year and a half ago and I still feel sad when I know I will never hear his voice again. With Kathy I have an advantage. I can call my house anytime and I do when I am on a trip. I listen to her voice on the machine and I feel warm inside. never sad. I kept it on even though it has been a while because her dad would call my house when he knew I wasn't at home, just to hear his little girls voice. He's gone now but I keep it on still and maybe when a friend might call to tell me about a lady they want me to meet, they can get the picture.

Fae has it right, it gets easier if not easy. Every month you might notice that you cry a little less. It doesn't mean your love is going away, it just means you are learning to accept the sorrow in your daily life.

I don't wake up any longer with my eye glued to the pillow case but I love her every bit as much, maybe even more. I can say that because once she wasn't here any longer, I started to discover things about her that I didn't realize before. Like when I found every card I ever gave her from our early days through the end hidden in a drawer in her night stand. Or the recipe I found looking to make something that I loved of hers only to find the writing on it saying "cook ten minutes longer, Steve likes it that way". Oh yeah, many things like that await you. They may be a little sad, but very, very, sweet.

Stephen

[boogieman]

Thanks for the insight Stephen. My Paula loved to cook things just the way I liked them too. I had never thought to look in her cook books and notes. What a warm pleasant surprise possibly awaits.

My Paulas voice is on our answering machine too. Until now I would never let the phone ring through as it hurt to hear her voice. Now I think I may be able to hear My Paulas sweet voice again. Another unexpected surprise.

My DAD was very special to me, too. I wanted and sought his advice often as I was starting my business career.

Today I followed some very good advice from several on this forum. I was asked to go to the local mall with our son and his family. I decided to ALLOW myself a little pleasure and enjoyment. We had a very warm, wonderful visit and excursion. Even went out for dinner which we all enjoyed.

I noted an immediate relaxation in the tension that had been just beneath the surface as they relaxed, too. That uncomfortable-to-be-around feeling. Apparently my uneasiness and saddness was reflected in their uneasiness towards me. As I relaxed for the first time in about six months and ALLOWED the love of family to envelope me I noted a new sensation.

I felt the warm, easy, loving spirit of My Paula come over me. The peace and joy I found there was humbling. Now living through me. Giving me a completely new perspective of how to live the life she so easily exemplified. The life she always wanted for me.

Now I at least have a glimpse of what it is, and a way to let me continue loving and honoring My Paulas cherished memory through my actions and attitude. It makes me love My Paula even more.

I find that My Paula is filling my heart again.

And all I had to do was ALLOW IT.

Chris

[feralfae]

Chris,

Thank you for doing such a great job of telling about your DAY. A great day!!

Bravo! What a wonderful opening to love you ALLOWED! I am very happy for you. Your courage, curiosity, and willingness to jump across the chasms and try new approaches is something I am learning.

Thank you for sharing that wonderful milestone on your journey. It warms my heart, and I know it warms the hearts of everyone here. Thank you so much.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

Heartwarming indeed! Thank you, Chris, for sharing this with all of us. ♥

[mfh]

Chris, what a huge insight you had and you did allow the insight and the good feelings that flowed from your actions. It is how we do this journey...staying open to those tiny moments that become so important when we are mindful of the moment. And I KNOW your Paula was smiling as she watched what was happening. I can't think of anyone on this planet who wants you to find moments of happiness more than she does...I say that because I just know the when I take care of myself, I KNOW Bill is happy on my account. It is risky to allow but it is indeed the way to some peace and you are discovering that. I honor your courage.

Mary

[mfh]

For Chris and Shannon and all of us here.

For Anne and yes, all of us here.

Profile picture changed in honor of our wedding anniversary tomorrow...our exchange of vows.

[boogieman]

Happy Anniversary to you, Mary and Bill. We all wish nothing but the best for you on this special day.

Thank you Fae and Marty for your kind words of support.

I am not so sure this epipheny was from insight or just plain desperation. I know I was so completely sad and lonely that I had to do something to make a change. The simple words to "allow" myself some indulgence kept coming back. To my great surprise I gained and learned so much more than cautiously expected. What seemed to be a small selfish indulgence opened my eyes and heart to a whole new perspective.

Pleasing me is one of My Paulas greatest attributes. Pleasing me pleases her! And I was so very pleased to find My Paula right there where she has always been. I KNOW she is pleased because I was so very pleased. I hope she is proud of me again.

Chris

[mfh]

Happy Anniversary to you, Mary and Bill. We all wish nothing but the best for you on this special day.

I am not so sure this epiphany was from insight or just plain desperation. I know I was so completely sad and lonely that I had to do something to make a change. The simple words to "allow" myself some indulgence kept coming back.

Thank you, Chris. Tomorrow is our anniversary and I am doing ok with that...a special day and I know there will be some tears today and tomorrow but that is ok. Allowing yourself some indulgence is critical to your healing. I am glad you know that your Paula is thrilled that you are doing that. I think something we have to hit bottom, i.e. be desperate, before we take action and you listened and acted. Good for you.

Mary

[boogieman]

You are welcome, Mary. My Pleasure.

It is so cool that you can change your profile picture. I have got to figure out how to do that. I have pictures of My Paula and me and I would like to be able to post them. Trouble is that My Paula is the computer expert!

Chris

[KATPILOT]

Chris,

Don't worry about the computer stuff. I am as far from understanding that stuff as anyone could be. After I learned how, I could do it easily enough. Can you get your son to help? That's what I do. We all would love to see Paula.

Mary that picture is so heartwarming. I love it. Happy anniversary. I will be thinking of you and hope you have some joy in the day.

Stephen

[mfh]

Chris, just go to the top of this page to your name. click the arrow. click on 'my profile' then once there click on 'edit profile' and you will see 'photo' click on that and upload your new picture. Nice to change it once in a while. I tend to know who people are as much by their picture as by their names so I do not change it too often but that is your call.

[mfh]

Thank you, Stephen. I plan to spend some time with a friend ...someone I can be most of me with I also will visit Bill's grave if it is not raining. His body is buried in a rural cemetery not from from our home but the road up to it can get muddy as it is not paved...I live rural. I have not been up there since before winter. It is not something I do too often. I feel his presence more here at home but I also like to go up and check the grave site and sit there once in a while. It is not easy to get up there in winter and usually by now I would have been up there a couple of times but this year so far I have not. It is not comforting to me for the most part. And I do not believe he is there. He is here around and within me. Thanks, Stephen. Mary

[feralfae]

It is not comforting to me for the most part. And I do not believe he is there. He is here around and within me. Thanks, Stephen. Mary

Dear Mary,

How good that you know where Bill's spirit is shining.

I feel Doug up here in our fairy forest very strongly, and in these birch forests where he played and wrote for such a long time. And in our home in Montana. But right now, probably because I feel surrounded by his love here, his presence is a constant in my days. It is very healing.

I know you are feeling the same energy from Bill. Our dear friends here are also celebrating their anniversary today. I am tossing joy and *<fairy dust>* to all four of you across our wonderful weavings of non-linear space-time.

*<twinkles>*

Blessings,

fae

[mfh]

How good that you know where Bill's spirit is shining. I feel Doug up here in our fairy forest very strongly, and in these birch forests where he played and wrote for such a long time. And in our home in Montana. But right now, probably because I feel surrounded by his love here, his presence is a constant in my days. It is very healing. I know you are feeling the same energy from Bill.

fae, I do feel Bill's presence everywhere I go...he is with me and within me...I feel his energy and my energy have always been and are one. I just finished going through a pile of photos...and of course, the tears are flowing like a river now...I read some of the cards he wrote and poems...I have anniversary cards from every month of our marriage until he could no longer write and he then he tried to print on a piece of paper. Based on how this evening is feeling...I am glad I have some plans for part of tomorrow...pain tonight. Thank you for your loving words.

Mary

[pumkin]

Dear Mary,

You and Bill look so devoted to each other in your beautiful wedding picture. Going through all the pictures, cards and poems will bring you even closer to him as he is with you on your anniversary, June 22. Thank you so much for sharing the best of your memories with Bill.

Dear Chris,

I am so happy that you felt Paula with you as you went out with your family. One little step at a time. Everyone here is so comforting. Glad you're staying with us.