I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Unexplained phenomina are hard to interpret. Besides my phone here, and the numerous door bell incidents, I just now recall two others to add to the list.

Our youngest son and wife live in Mass. I have recently tried twice to send him an e-mail. Each time the computer has "glitched" for lack of a better understanding on my part. Both times the message was not saved, not sent, not kept in "Drafts", nothing. Just gone.

They are having some financial troubles so I guess their cell phone is off as I can't get through to them. I leave messages but get no reply.

I am feeling so very low again. So lonely. It's well over 100* here today with high humidity and not safe for me to be out(3 Prior heat strokes). So I sit here in the house surrounded by the silence and the babbeling TV.

Oldest son and family out of town. Daughter working at the Dental clinic all day and real estate until late every night.

My friend Nick has his issues to deal with.

So here I am alone again. I don't think I am strong enough for this lonely life.

I feel myself being pushed to the breaking point again. If this dynamic doesn't change I fear I might break. The loneliness just unbearable. I have stayed in bed most of the day but that hasn't helped.

So I come here to try to relieve some of the tension and pent-up stress.

Like they say..."If we're all alone in this, we're all alone together". I appreciate the irony of that.

I hate it when it applies to me.

Do you believe in "mediums"? I remain skeptical.

Chris

[kayc]

Hang in there, we get more used to being alone, it does take time. It's okay to talk to yourself, okay to answer yourself...just try not to get caught too much.

Mediums...out of my realm.

[boogieman]

Spent part of my day with Bobbie today. I needed her help getting a few loose ends wrapped up.

Much to my surprise all three of the children living close came by late this afternoon for an "intervention". Seems that despite my efforts to be congenial and up-beat in their presence my sadness and sorrow continue to manifest themselves to the point of the childrens concern.

I tried to explain to them that there was/is little they can do as I still don't have much of an idea how to procede myself. I can't and won't try to hide that from them as this is how I truly feel the vast majority of the time. And being truthful and honest is about all I have left. The truth hurts them, it devistates me still. So many questions going unanswered. I try to be as positive as possible but seem to manage that for only very short periods of time. Then the reality hits me again and I fall into the sadness. None of us has a handle on being "up" for them and "down" for me. I've been up since 5:15 AM this morning when My Paula came calling again. It's after midnight and sleep is still off in the distance. Making for another very long day tomorrow.

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, I found this piece and think it might help your kids if they read it....and ultimately help you to allow yourself to grieve as you need to.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm

[MartyT]

Excellent article, Mary ~ thank you.

Chris, you'll find links to additional material listed here: Helping Someone Who's Grieving

See especially A Wish List for Those Around You

[boogieman]

Thank you both. I have spent several hours reading several of the articles myself. As the grieving husband-father I feel the need to be there for our children, not just them being there for me. This tragic event affects them, too. Just in different ways and intensities. Finding the balance for us has yet to be discovered. We all struggle with this.

With all due respect and honesty, as the grieving husband,I feel this has affected me more profoundly overall that them.

The after-mass of loss of 35 years of extremely close loving companionship with My Paula is so extremely hard to accept, even now. I'm still reeling and devistated. I am still hopelessly, passionately, in love with My Paula with all that I am. I miss her so.

I will ask them to read these suggested articles, but not insist on it. With your permission I may print them out for their convenience.

Chris

[MartyT]

Permission granted, Chris ~ absolutely! You are most welcome to print out any of these articles. And you're right: each person in your family is mourning a different loss, as your relationship with your beloved and the role she played in each of your lives is different. (See, for example, Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family.)

I think the best way for you to take care of your children's grief is to take care of your own grief first. Besides, your children are adults, and you are no longer responsible for how they choose to manage their grief, or anything else in their lives. You are responsible only for your own grief journey, and I've a feeling that they will cease to worry about you as much when they see that you are taking steps to take good care of yourself. (See Helping a Grieving Parent.)

Offering your children articles and books to read is a fine idea. It's an indirect and non-threatening way for you to help them understand that, no matter how uncomfortable for them to see, your reactions to the death of your beloved Paula are normal.

[boogieman]

The question is often asked..."What would (fill in the blank) want for you?"

What if the answer is ..."I want you here, with me."

No, seriously. What if that is the answer?

Adding to my sorrow I realize that in order to accomodate those around me, and trying to be less dire and melancholy, I spent the day and now the night in total disregard of My Paula. I ALLOWED myself the "time off" so to speak. I realize I have lost even that much more time AWAY from My Paula. I hate that I ALLOWED myself this selfish indulgence. I have now done EXACTLY what I swore I would NEVER do. To disregard and ignore My Paula for even the briefest of moments. Dishonorable at best. Dispicable. How can My Paula be pleased with me if I can ignore her so easily and completely?

As I stated previously, any effort on my part to to try to "learn to live with this" could increases the gulf between us. And I have proven it, to myself, by todays loathsome actions. I feel detached and disconnected from My Paula to the greatest extent to date. I HATE this feeling! And I ALLOWED it to happen! I don't like the person I am becoming without My Paula. He is too moody, sad, and lonely for me.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

What if the answer REALLY is..."I want you here, with me."

[enna]

Chris, I don't believe that the answer would be..."I want you here, with me." I think we all have work to do and we are not going anywhere until it is our time. Our loved ones know that. I believe. As you move further along in your grief journey, Chris, I believe that you'll come to accept whatever your feelings are - it matters not if you are happy or sad - what I think makes the difference is if you are able to let whatever it is you feel just be. Your grief is so fresh that you just have to allow whatever thoughts come into your head and know that it is 'normal.' You can't hurry grief. I so long for my Jim at times that my whole being aches just to move into that dimension where he is - I don't know where that is but I know he would not be calling me to it. Moody, sad, and lonely are a part of our lives now. And you are so right when you say that there IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE! There is just OUR way. We are strong. We are courageous. We will walk through this grief with our heads held high. It will take a long time. Anne

[mfh]

Adding to my sorrow I realize that in order to accomodate those around me, and trying to be less dire and melancholy, I spent the day and now the night in total disregard of My Paula. I ALLOWED myself the "time off" so to speak. I realize I have lost even that much more time AWAY from My Paula. I hate that I ALLOWED myself this selfish indulgence. I have now done EXACTLY what I swore I would NEVER do. To disregard and ignore My Paula for even the briefest of moments. Dishonorable at best. Dispicable. How can My Paula be pleased with me if I can ignore her so easily and completely? As I stated previously, any effort on my part to to try to "learn to live with this" could increases the gulf between us. And I have proven it, to myself, by todays loathsome actions. I feel detached and disconnected from My Paula to the greatest extent to date. I HATE this feeling! And I ALLOWED it to happen! I don't like the person I am becoming without My Paula. He is too moody, sad, and lonely for me.

What if the answer REALLY is..."I want you here, with me.

Dear Chris, First of all because you are not totally conscious of and thinking about Paula does not mean you have "disregarded and ignored" her. I would bet that if she was as sad as you are and as exhausted as you are and lonely and she took a day or more to focus on something other than missing you...you would applaud that so that she could find some sense of peace and rest and eventually life. Well, that is how she is feeling also, i imagine. That is not disregarding each other. It is not loathesome. Paula is with you day and night. She is a part of who you are. I really hope you can ease up on yourself. Of course you want her here with you. I would give anything to have five minutes with Bill in his body...with me...smiling and hugging me. It brings tears to my eyes to even think about the joy of that. We all want that...In the meantime we keep on keeping on knowing our beloveds want us to be happy just as you would want Paula to be happy. I hope you can ease up on yourself, Chris.

Peace

Mary

[boogieman]

If so, why do I feel so deeply that I have abandoned her? Is it, at least in part, My Paula expressing her displeasure? My stomach is tied in knots. The stress building. My chest hurting. The anxiety rising.

If My Paula is "with me day and night", how could I so easily NOT keep her in the forefront of my every conscious moment? My answer is selfish indulgence at My Paulas expense.

To NOT continually, consciously, hold her in the most special place in my everyday life is a denegration to the impact My Paula has over me. I can not accept that.

By NOT doing so does she slip from the esteemed, exhaulted position I hold her in? I say, yes.

My Paula is my life, my all, my everything. I worship the ground she walked on, the air she breathed.

I am no harder on myself than this overwhelmingly deep grief is on me. My attitude about this is a manifestation of the deep hurt and pain I deal with constantly. Holding My Paula in the forefront of my every wakeing moment somehow lessens that hurt and pain. Pain I am having such a hard time dealing with.

I pray for inner peace. But not at the expense of My Paula. I love her too much.

Today promises to be another agonizingly long day.

Chris

[KATPILOT]

Chris,

I hope you can at least find a quite time to sit and reflect. You truly need the peace. It is inconceivable that Paula would want you live in anguish and guilt.

It might be of interest to listen to my story. I know that Kathy is with me. She lets me know that in no uncertain terms. Yet she leaves me sometimes. After each of her parents died, she was gone for as much as two months. I knew she was with them. Sometimes they have things to do on the other side. We can hardly know what it's truly like. But Kathy still lets me know. I would be just as much in love with her even if she never came back and that is a real possibility..............It doesn't matter, because when I do go, I will find her. Even if it takes eternity, I will find her.

For now, I will honor her and live what time I have left enjoying life and perhaps she can enjoy it with me. Perhaps when I go out to dinner and order her favorite wine, she is enjoying it with me. Kind of a pleasant thought don't you think?

One thing I am certain of and that is she would never want me to be so devastated that she had to leave. I can't believe Paula would like to see you being there either.

Maybe looking at life through her eyes, you can find comfort being at peace within your own daily functions. You are not dishonoring her. You are taking care of the person she loves.

Stephen

[kayc]

Chris,

I only know if roles were reversed, you would not be so hard on Paula as you are on yourself. The truth is we are the ones going through the hard part...they are out of their suffering just as ours begins. Anything you can do to get through this...including giving yourself a break now and then. No one can take the intensity of grief 24/7 indefinitely. We have to have brief respites of enjoyment and relaxation, and it's up to us to find the way to, be it a hobby, our kids, friends, nature, sleep, whatever. This doesn't come easy to us in the beginning, it takes time for us to even work that out.

Paula is never away from you, she exists inside your heart. When you were together, were there ever times you sat in a room, quiet, neither one needing to say anything, but just enjoying each other's presence? That is how it is like on this grief journey...we learn to carry them inside of us and sometimes words aren't necessary, we don't need to frantically work at it, but be still and just experience life how it is, draw from your loved one being with you even though in a different form, know that her love is still with you even as yours abounds with her.

[boogieman]

I made it through yesterday. Lonely and so very tired. Had a nice short visit from #1 son and family in the afternoon. Too short. Fell asleep in my chair from exhaustion. Not hungry so I went to bed early. Cried myself to sleep, again.

I was awakened at exactly 5:00 AM by the doorbell. Checked to make sure it was My Paula. It was.

Laid back down to try for much needed sleep, only to be roused at 5:55 AM by the doorbell again.

Checked again that it was My Paula. It was.

Maybe this is a sign/signal from her concerning all this. I certainly don't know.

I'm beginning to see a pattern of "5's" here. Maybe she is trying to tell me something.

Again, I don't know.

Yes, Kay, there were many times we sat quietly, comfortably, just enjoying each others presence. But hardly ever without acknowledging each other and often. "How you doing, Dear?" "Can I get you something?" "Is that a good game?" "Who is winning the race?" "I just read something interesting. Want to hear it?" "You ready for another log on the fire?" "It's almost your nap time, Dear."

"I love you Dear." "I love you too."

Very few had that close a sharing, intimate relationship. And I miss it so deeply.

I do know that when I "take a break" I often feel worse afterwards when my thoughts inevitable turn back to My Paula. The longer the "break" the worse I feel.

At the same time I realize that the deeper my sorrow, the more likely the doorbell rings.

Another connection? I just don't know.

I know it has only been 2-1/2 months since My Paula passed but it feels like an eternity. This constant strain, stress, and up-heavel certainly does take a toll. Trapped in this struggle with no end in sight. I miss My Paula and the warm, easy, comfortable, way we had with each other.

Chris

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

I think many of us can relate. The closeness and loving companionship Doug and I had, the little things you mention that you and Your Paula had, and the constant longing for that special and loving presence is certainly how I feel every day. Although it has been 17 months now, I can hardly believe that I am still alive and functioning without Doug. There are days when the pain is less, and days when I must simply sit and let the sadness and longing envelop me and hold me in its embrace.

Other days, I am able to function better. That did not start until well after a year, though. Sometimes now, I still feel that Doug is here, talking to me and holding me in his arms. Other times, I simply feel his presence around me. I am slowly making my way in this world without him, and some days I feel stronger than others.

The little smiles between us, the sharing of thoughts and random readings, the sharing of chores and little bits of life are all missed so much.

It does get easier, and I have no idea when or how it begins to happen. Just know that it does. Your Paula will always be there and you will always feel her in your heart.

How wonderful that the doorbell rings for you. I have had so many remarkable events since Doug left that it would take a book to tell them all. Doug told me he was not leaving, and would be with me, and from all that has happened, I have come to know that he IS with me. I am sure Your Paula is with you.

Blessings, and I hope you find some peace for your heart today.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[boogieman]

Even though it's a nice day for Texas here, I don't have the energy or drive to do anything.

Best definition is anxious, stressed, uncomfortable, uneasy. I just can't seem to relax and just "be". I seem to be in a state of shock.

Trying to rest but this constant headache just won't go away.

And it's only 3:30 PM with the rest of the day to go and another long lonely night.

Chris

[kayc]

I'm sorry, Chris. I know it's hard. In the earlier days it's a minute at a time instead of a day at a time. It's hard just getting through that one minute. Is there anything that helps? For me it's been my dog and nature. But I know, everywhere are reminders of the empty hole...

[boogieman]

I have a growing list of chores that could/should be addressed. Writing in my journal I see that I just don't have the drive to even get started much less finish even a single item. I can make the effort physically but not emotionally. For three years My Paula and I did EVERYTHING together every day. I happily did my chores for our benefit and her pleasure.

Now alone I find I want to do NOTHING alone. I know at some point, perhaps, I must. But not now. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. A tomorrow just like yesterday. My future alone. Alone in my deep grief and sorrow for the loss of my best friend, my lover, my wife, MY PAULA.

Chris

[kayc]

It helps to get you started in that direction if you just do one thing today and each day, be it dishes, pay bills, or whatever. Don't try to tackle too much at once or anything big just yet, just start with baby steps.

[Queeniemary]

Chris, I am so very sorry for your loss, and I know the deep grief you are experiencing. I lost my husband 3 1/2 years ago, and miss him every day. I have found the best thing for me is not to think about the future, just take it one minute, then one hour, then one day, and so on, at a time. If you think of the future, it just gets too overwhelming. As Kay said, baby steps, one thing at a time.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[boogieman]

Thanks to all for the support. I MADE myself DO something yesterday that got me out of the house. It was hard but I did it none-the-less. And today I had to go to the bank too.

I even made me sweep, dry mop, and double wet-mop all the hardwood flooring today. That took about 2 hours. My Paula is so proud of her hardwood floors, how could I not oblige and please her, and me too? Was invited to Greg's and Bobbie's for a home-cooked meal tonight. Really nice, warm, visit. We spoke of My Paula (MOMZ) often. Very nice visit.

They are coming here tomorrow for a work day/cookout. I am honestly looking forward to this day together.

My Paula gave me a great idea that will please her and give me something constructive to do. I'm going to complile a cook book of My Paulas favorite recipies for Bobbie for Christmas. As many as possible written in My Paulas hand. Personal, unique, priceless, and straight from My Paulas heart. I know Bobbie will be pleased, too.

Has been a long constructive 2 days. Headache again so it's aspirin and bed time.

Thanks to all again.

Chris

[feralfae]

Oh, Chris, Congratulations! You have made yourself a marvelous day, and a wonderful tomorrow, with Your Paula there, urging you and heaping you make the right decisions every step of the way.

The cookbook is a wonderful idea, and a truly loving gift.

I hope your headache is gone very soon, and I think you can find some meditations that might help, if you do not use them already.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Chris, I hope you look into the mirror and see a man there who is slowly but surely doing what he thought impossible, enjoying it and simultaneously staying in contact with your Paula. You are doing what you never thought you could do because you love your Paula. The cookbook is such a great idea. I just spent time just today going through recipes...some in my mother's handwriting and saw how meaningful they were. Having a cookbook in your Paula's handwriting will mean the world to Bobbie...your thoughtfulness and her mom's recipes...a gift of love from you and Paula to Bobbie. Be proud of yourself, Chris. Y ou ARE doing it.

Mary

[boogieman]

Planning for a work day/cook-out day today with Greg and Bobbie. As I was getting the meal items out and readied I had a break-down realizing My Paula can't be here to enjoy the food. I hope to have her here with us though.

I thought I made some progress the last few days only to be wrecked again just now. I need to get this crying-spell over with before they arrive. We will have a good day in spite of myself.

I just heard the doorbell again. Thinking it might be MY Paula checking-in I ran to the door.

It is our oldest grand-daughter, Chrissie! What a nice surprise as she is spending the day with us, too.

My Paula and I are pleased.

Chris

[feralfae]

Oh, Chris, you are doing so well. I hope you can let yourself cry for as long as you need to cry, knowing that everyone will understand.

As is often said here, we take three steps forward and one step back, and sometimes, we take four steps forward and three steps back, but there is a little healing going on each day. You are really doing a great job of living, and I am so very happy to know that Your Paula sent Chrissie to spend the day with you and to ring the doorbell to announce the surprise. How very beautiful!

Enjoy the day, have a happy Fourth of Jury, and I know that Your Paula is right there with you, smiling at everyone.

*<twinkles>*

fae