I Need Your Help

[kayc]

Chris, I hope your birthday goes better than you expect. I cried myself to sleep on my first birthday after George died, no one remembered my birthday or said Happy Birthday and he was always so big on celebrating it. I pray that is not your experience, but I hope you make plans for that day and keep busy.

It is so understandable that you'd have ups and downs, it's to be expected. Three steps forward, two steps backward, but remember, overall, you're still moving in a progressive fashion in this journey, overall. Try not to view it as a setback or let it discourage, I've learned to accept the tears and pain as well as the accomplishments and victories. I'm sorry it's so hard!

[boogieman]

Anne and Mary coming to my aide again. Thank you both so much. Both of you have been where I am now going. I appreciate your council. I had hoped my resolve would insulate me somewhat from the extreme lows of this agony. Perhaps later, certainly not now.

I have been in contact with My Paulas Hospice provider. I find their responses less than completely satisfying. They send me e-mails listing monthly, bi-monthly, quarterly group meetings at locations all over the Metroplex. Contact info on county and state mental health facilities. State and national suicide hot-line info. None very close to my location. As I still have difficulty leaving our home I find these daunting tasks.

By "venting" I refer to possibly some sort of physical action. I have vented emotionally by crying, screaming, yelling, bellowing at the moon even. Not much relief comes from that.

I firmly believe in my GOD and know I will see My Paula again in heaven. She will not be my wife there or me her husband ever again. That institution is reserved for us here on earth exclusevly. Our special bond here forever to be denied there. I find no solice in that. Two of my brothers are and have been ordained ministers for 40 years. One Methodist, the other non-denominational. They offer the hope and belief in a better after-life in Heaven. With all due respect I need relief here and now.

Many others tell of "seeing" their loved ones after death. I did have the one "vision" of her but that was while asleep. I pray daily for GOD to allow me to see My Paula just once more so I can know she is healthy and happy, content in her new existance. I pray and I wait.

Entertaining is simply beyond my present reach. Besides, if I did, who could enjoy an evening with such a sad and lonely man. Even I don't enjoy my company.

I have tried to various degrees the distraction and diversions readily available. As My Paula was so ill for three years we watched TV, old movies, re-runs, and especially the cooking shows she so greatly enjoyed. Now I find nothing on to hold my attention much less distract me for a while. I can't really focus on my reading. Cross-word puzzles require more focus that I have. Working in my shop on a project is dangerous as I could easily injure myself by not paying enough attention. I've been injured while paying attention.

I don't mean to shoot-down your suggestions. I just know that what I have tried doesn't provide the relief I so desperately seek. I am thoroughly convinced that My Paula is the only solution to ease my pain and agony.

Earlier I managed to get a much needed short nap. Now I will be up most of the night with plenty of time to dwell on this sad excuse for life my existence has become.

Chris

[mfh]

I have been in contact with My Paulas Hospice provider. I find their responses less than completely satisfying. They send me e-mails listing monthly, bi-monthly, quarterly group meetings at locations all over the Metroplex. Contact info on county and state mental health facilities. State and national suicide hot-line info. None very close to my location. As I still have difficulty leaving our home I find these daunting tasks.

By "venting" I refer to possibly some sort of physical action. I have vented emotionally by crying, screaming, yelling, bellowing at the moon even. Not much relief comes from that.

I firmly believe in my GOD and know I will see My Paula again in heaven. She will not be my wife there or me her husband ever again.

Chris, now that you know where the groups are and have the information, why not call on a neighbor or friend or one of your children to ride along with you as you drive the first couple of times and join one of these groups. Asking for what we need is difficult for most of us. Perhaps resolve to make it possible for yourself. I do understand how safe home feels during these tough tough times but you need support. Exercising hard might be a good way to "vent" even exercising at home with weights perhaps. Or if there is a gym nearby that could be good also. I have found that sometimes I need to push myself to do what I need for me. Example: Going to events alone remains difficult for me but I have done it and usually hook up with someone once I am there. Right now taking the solitude I desperately need is hard and I sit here wanting to go do anything in spite of being with 125 people for three days earlier this week and spending probably 3 hours talking to two different people yesterday. My body loves the rest I am getting. I am calmer but there is an urgency to run from the reality of my life. So far I am winning. But both take effort and perhaps your joining a support group and exercising hard will take the same kind of effort. I do not mean to preach but rather just offer examples and suggestions. In the end, of course, you know yourself and have to do what works for you. I hope you have made some kind of little plan for your birthday tomorrow. It is, in our culture, a big birthday and I hope you will ask someone to spend a couple of hours of it with you.

Peace to your heart, Mary

PS I just returned to this post because I needed to say that I have been deeply involved with religion and church all of my life including many theology classes, religious ed, and more and I have never heard anything that resembles what you said, i.e. "Bill will not be my husband in heaven". I do so wish to respect your beliefs but I just have to say, I have never heard that. For me, Bill is and always will be my husband and when we are reunited...I believe...that our union there will be for eternity as husband and wife. I also believe we will be one with all others also.

[boogieman]

I have done some research on the subject of marriage in heaven. My brothers, whom I respect, numerous web sites, and re-reading the applicable bible verses. I am led to believe there will be a reunion. There will be an acknowlegement of each other. A reconnection. The common glorious sharing of all that heaven has to offer.

However, since our new existence will be completely devoid of any negative aspects, "marriage" in the earthly sense is replaced with GOD'S glory and devotion to him. By negative aspects I refer to lust, greed, envy, worshiping of another, control over another, jealousy, and others. From that perspective marriage is non-existant so those negative aspects of our nature can never become an issue even in heaven. That temptation is removed. Of course spending some of our time with loved ones is a part of the experience. My understanding is that it will be more platonic in nature. To be able to share all the glories of heaven in our new existance. But to be able to re-join with only one person can not happen. The shared happiness and glory is to be spread equally among all there, not just our spouses.

I find this disturbing from my human perspective. If GOD has brought us together here, if our marriage is ordained and sanctified here by GOD, if we nurture and love our spouses so deeply here, if we obey and observe all the biblical guidelines regarding marriage, why can that not be allowed to continue if that union in heaven glorifies GOD? I just don't understand the negation of such deeply felt positive emotions and commitment to the sharing of our lives exclusively with only one other. How can that not be a beneficial aspect in heaven? In my mind the removal of any and all negative aspects of a relationship can only serve to benefit those coming from a committed relationship.

I have prayed repeatedly about this. I still await an answer I may never get.

When I was 19 and attending college I was involved in a very serious car accident. Pronounced DOA enroute to the hospital I had an out-of-body near death experience. I still have vivid memories of the entire ordeal. One of which was "Infinite Knowlege". I found I knew the answer to every question as I asked them, and I had a lot of questions. My point here is that being in the presence of GOD I sensed nothing that could or should prevent loved ones from being together for all eternity. Possibly being young with very little life experience and not having a special person in my life at that time limited my understanding. I just don't know.

I believed this with all my being from the moment I met My Paula. Knowing we would be together for all eternity. Now to learn of a completely different scenario leaves me questioning and deeply disturbed.

Possibly this other interpretation is based on "mans" limited understanding as the BIBLE does not directly answer the direct question. Either way I have clung to this positive precept my whole life. The possibility of never again to acknowlege My Paula as my wife in heaven leaves me even further broken. I need and want to focus my attentions to her and hers to me to the exclusion of all others but God and Jesus Christ. Not to elevate My Paula to an exhaulted status, but only to continue to love her as my wife.

Maybe I question too much. Or think too much. Thinking back on my long standing church experiences I do not recall this issue ever being addressed. Either from a pulpit, from direct contact with various theological teachings, or my limited Bible studies. Now, asking this direct question I begin to see why this particular subject is raised so rarely. Surely I am not the only person to find this personally disturbing. Just the possibility of this being true I find unacceptable.

I have been struggeling with this for weeks now. No closer now to understanding or accepting the answer since I asked the question. Perhaps someone wiser can explain it to me in plain english.

These are very deep questions possibly better suited for other forums. The focus here is to help each other. And I do need some help in this area. If I could get possitive affirmation of this belief I think, I hope, I would be better equipped to cope without My Paula for a short while knowing that soon we would be together eternally.

Returning to this post I have another comment to add. As most Western religions adhere to a strict interpretation of the Bible, the lack of specifics regarding marriage in heaven leaves little room for interpretation , or "reading between the lines", as very little is recorded there-in to try to get a true sense of how it may actually be. I personally find this omission troublesome and disturbing.

Chris

[enna]

Wow! Chris, I do not think any of us can answer the questions you pose. However, we all choose to believe what we believe. In my beliefs, there is nor will there ever be any proof of how Jim and I are going to be united in our next life. And whatever I choose to think will not be based on any reason. I will see Jim again and it will be different but it will be how I invision it to be. Just as I choose to believe that my God created the universe I also choose to believe that I shall be together again with Jim, my family members, and my pets. This faith I have cannot be explained. It just is. I guess you could call it a metaphysical faith where it simply is outside of human sense. It is what each individual chooses to believe.

I do not think you question too much. We learn by questioning. Others will have a much deeper explanation to your post. Peace. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Chris, I am a seeker of the truth as its clear that you are. I was brought up a Christian, lost my faith, and Pete and I counted ourselves as Pantheists. Since he died this isn't enough for me and I now feel closer to Buddhism in some ways. I think it's very hard, indeed impossible, for us to know in detail what awaits us, but I do believe I will be reunited with Pete somehow. Like you I would prefer a physical reunion (ie to put the clock back to before Pete was ill). That won't happen, but I live in hope that we will know each other and continue our love.

[boogieman]

WOW indeed! I seem to have a lot of time on my hands doesn't it? I find this issue so fundamentally basic I must seek an answer where so far none has been found. Not to find a religion or set of beliefs that fit my beliefs, but the absolute truth of togetherness in heaven.

These are rhetorical questions at best. There are probably no answers to be found. That doesn't change the fact that what I so desperately want and need is in direct conflict with accepted Western Biblical tenents. Where is the truth in these diametrically opposing views? It can't be just as I want it be because I choose to believe a certain thing. If so, everyones version of heaven would be different from anyone elses. Or can it?

As I was told, countless scholars and well educated men have written millions of words and innumerable essays for over two thousand years with no concensus being reached.

I choose to believe in the Idealistic Eden-like scenario where peace and harmony rule the day. Where Adam and Eve became the first married couple. Where love for each other exclusively and togetherness are guaranteed for eternity. Where My Paula and I are blissfully reunited to enjoy each other forever.

That doesn't make it so just because I want to believe it. Or does it?

Modern theology says "NO"!

Just as a compass with no needle or a clock without hands indicate nothing, I find myself lost without a sense of direction.

Chris

[MartyT]

Chris, there is so much that remains a mystery and is beyond our understanding. You might want to take an hour and watch this program: Oprah and Dr. Brian Weiss on Past Lives - Video

[mfh]

Chris, This is so weird (or synchronistic . I was watching the Brian Weiss interview which was broadcast this morning and which I taped...when I stopped to check email and saw yours and Marty's posts (just posted) and her recommendation that you watch the interview.

Previous to that, I had just finished watching another of Oprah's interviews which was also broadcast (Supersoul Sunday on OWN) on TV this morning. It is an interview with Karen Armstrong. The first part is on Karen's early years as a nun and may not be interesting to you BUT she is no longer a nun (left after 7 years) and is now a noted expert on religions of the world and the second half of the interview (approximately) Karen talks about religions of the world, God, and more. It is very interesting. Karen also gave a TED talk.

Interview with Oprah:

http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Oprah-and-Karen-Armstrong-Losing-Faith-Finding-God-Full-Episode

TED:

http://www.ted.com/talks/karen_armstrong_let_s_revive_the_golden_rule.html

TED: on the Charter for Compassion:

http://www.ted.com/talks/karen_armstrong_makes_her_ted_prize_wish_the_charter_for_compassion.html

Can not resist (in view of the synchronicity) referring you to these. We are, in my opinion seekers as Jan said. I think what is out there is so beyond our comprehension and words that we can not possibly have firm answers but we have lots of people's experiences, research, faith, and more as guidelines. Karen calls religions "starter kits" to God.

Mary

[kayc]

Mark 12:22-25

And the seven left no offspring. Last of all the woman also died. In the resurrection, when they rise again, whose wife will she be? For the seven had her as wife.” Jesus said to them, “Is this not the reason you are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God? For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.

Matthew 22:28-29

In the resurrection, therefore, of the seven, whose wife will she be? For they all had her.” But Jesus answered them, “You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God.

Luke 20:34-36

And Jesus said to them, “The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage, but those who are considered worthy to attain to that age and to the resurrection from the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage, for they cannot die anymore, because they are equal to angels and are sons of God, being sons of the resurrection.

Romans 7:2

For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage.

There is probably much more said in the Bible regarding the subject. There are some things that are hard to understand in our earthly minds, because this is all we know and this is our perspective. But we must trust that the God who is sovereign knows so much more than we do and will do what is best...we have only to trust on the subject. I know the love George and I share, and I know how we clicked from the very beginning and cannot imagine us loving each other any less. While it's true there will be no more sin, hence jealousy, ownership, etc. is done away with, I would think the positive aspects of our relationship, the love, affection, and caring, remain. I have heard this theology all of my life, based on the Bible's teachings, and choose not to concern myself unduly with it as we'll find out once there how it will be and how it will affect us. I believe we will know we were husband and wife and whether or not anyone else recognizes it or not, our love will continue, perhaps in a more perfect way than we know here. I know, it's hard to imagine, isn't it?

The one theology that I have heard espoused that I do not find basis for and do not agree with is that our animals do not go to heaven. I have never found any basis for that, and those who are quick to say that animals have no souls, I have not found anything in the Bible stating to the end that they do not go to heaven. Since interpretation of "what is a soul" can be relative to who is answering that, I don't pay much mind to it. I believe with all of my heart that our pets will be there and we will know and be reunited with them as well.

There is so much about heaven that we do not know and, to my knowledge, are not told. For instance, what "age" will we appear to be in heaven? A baby that goes to heaven, I would not think would remain a baby for all eternity, so perhaps we are all at some "perfect age", not having arthritis but not requiring growth either? So many things to ponder...and fewer answers.

Me, I try not to worry about all of the unknown, accepting that if God is God, He's perfectly capable of working out all of the details.

[boogieman]

Well said KayC. These are the scriptures used to support no marriage, therefore no continuation of the "marriage" in heaven. Especially the passage from Luke. Possibly the interpretation leaves room for uncertainty because of our limited human understanding. I for one would like to know to relieve the pent-up anxiety I now carry and struggle with. Like I posted earlier, I may never know the answer until I join My Paula in heaven. But the question will always be with me. After all, to question authority in a civilized manner is not disrespectful. Our earthly curiosity teaches us to question that which we do not/can not understand. Having a valid reason to question anything is to open the doorway to greater knowlege. And this particular bit of knowlege I crave, yearn for.

I will watch the videops referenced to by Marty and Mary tomorrow as it is getting later and I am so happily tired tonight.

On a happier side note now. Today, much to my great pleasure and surprise, our children came here for a surprise birthday party for me! They invited several of my dearest friends too. A total of 14 family and friends! What a houseful of joy we shared together. The girls all pitched in and took over the role of hostess My Paula always so greatly enjoyed. And they performed their chosen tasks with pride and humbleness. My Paula is so proud of them. We cooked-out on the grill. Told anticdotes about My Paula/MOMZ. We laughed, cried a little, and we had a wonderful time together. They all finally left around 10:00 pm. A full day of joy and happiness so greatly pleases My Paula. I sense she was here enjoying the festivities. And I appreciate so very greatly the family My Paula raised. All kind, gentle, loving, caring, and giving adults. Just what she always hoped for them. I know she knows and is so very proud and pleased with herself for the fine work she did by setting the example she did.

So throught her influence, what could have been a very sad time for me has been turned into one of humble peaceful respectful gratitude to our children, and especially to My Paula.

Chris

[boogieman]

Even better news this morning. In a dream, My Paula and I were together again. She came to me in the night, whispering my name. Realizing it was her, I turned over to embrace her, to hold her once again in my arms, to so passionatly kiss. I felt her warmth. The smell of her hair. The softness of her lips. We lay beside each other as we always do. We talked and shared our precious time together. All to soon she reluctantly told me she had to go. Leaning to kiss her once more I woke. What a serene peaceful sense of warmth washed over me. I will always remember and cherish this brief encounter with My Paula. And on my birthday, too!

[mfh]

Chris, what an amazing gift...one you will never forget...(but do write down all the details just in case one would get lost over time). I celebrate with you today. Mary

[MartyT]

A perfect birthday gift, dear Chris. We're so happy for you ♥

[enna]

Happiness to you today, Chris. From family to your dream it sounds like this is a good day. Enjoy. Anne

[boogieman]

Mary, the first thing I did was to write in my journal every detail, every word spoken, trying to capture every emotion, every nuance, of this so greatly needed encounter. It brings tears to my eyes and elation to my heart. Thank you.

And, yes, I expect this to be a good day, too. I intend to enjoy it to the fullest.

Chris

[MartyT]

Chris, my dear, you might want to read Mark's post in the thread, The Dream That Wasn't A Dream: 8 Characteristics of True Visitation Dreams ♥

[kayc]

Chris,

That sounds like an absolutely fabulous day, so glad you had it!

Another note on the marriage in heaven...I don't see anywhere where it says we'll love everyone in the same way, I would imagine we'll still have our individuality and personalities and it stands to reason to me we will gravitate to some more than others just as we do here, and it also stands to reason to me that there will be something special between us and our loved one whether considered married or not...there will be that special something that is undeniable...just my opinion.

[mfh]

Chris, so glad you wrote them down. I have not written all of my dreams (visitations) down and have tended to lose details and regret that. I am so happy for you. A birthday to remember and treasure and to keep you going a bit.

Mary

[boogieman]

Thank you Marty for the dream charastics. Reading this sent chills up my spine as this is EXACTLY the criteria I expereienced. It WAS real. I know it.

Even now I can feel My Paula in my arms again (Paula had become very touch sensative due to chemo), hear her soft calming voice (Paulas had become hoarse, weak, and raspy due to chemo), look into her deep beautiful eyes (Paulas had lost their sparkle), smell the freshness of her long beautiful hair (Paula had lost her hair due to chemo), the soft fullness of her lips (Paulas had become thin and dry due to chemo), feel the warmth from her body (Paula was constantly cold due to chemo), feel the smoothness of her beautiful skin (Paulas had become extremely dry due to chemo). I saw My Paula as I remember her from our first years together. She is young, radiant, healthy, with the glow that comes from youth and health, in her prime (Paula was 5'-3" and 110 lbs when we married), with an inner happiness, confidence, and contentment that I so readily recognized. Last night My Paula was my idealic vision of how I remember her.

I was happy for My Paula at her final release from her excruciating pain and agony from cancer, yet heartbroken by her passing. I was equally happy for her last night to see her in such a beautiful new form - still as I remember her but perfected, yet saddened to know she is not here now.

Now as I sit here crying I need to be alone with the beautiful new image of My Paula. To grieve for her, to miss her, to remember her, and to continue to be in love with her.

Chris

[boogieman]

The roller-coaster continues. Despite the good last few days I am so very sad, lonely and dejected today. Couldn't sleep at all last night. Splitting headache. No appetite. No sense of urgency to accomplish any of the mounting things on a very long to-do list. Not much will to go on. I am finding the devistating loss of My Paula becoming too much to recover from. I am striving as best as I can but seem to make no head-way.

I absolutely hate this. The uncertainty, the stress, the constant inner turmoil, the loneliness, the extremes of grieving. It is taking too much energy just to survive. Energy I want to devote to loving My Paula.

Chris

[kayc]

This journey is full of it's ups and downs it's all part of it. We learn to roll with it, but in the beginning it's hard. Just keep trying, remember...one day at a time, that's enough.

[mfh]

Chris, Kay is so right...one day at a time. If I have learned anything and still am learning on this journey it is to let go of expectations. This journey is pretty unpredictable. Someone said to me today that it was so in pace to see me smiling...and I said to myself..wait 20 minutes or 2 minutes. You are going to have ups and downs...it is part of the journey and part of what makes the journey easier is to learn that even as the good moments do not last..neither do the tough ones. Part of my peace is in knowing the tough moments come and then they go. I am so sorry it is so hard. It was hard for all of us early on and frankly I still have many tough moments and even days. All worth it when I consider the love we had.

Mary

[enna]

Dear Chris,

We need to be patient and let the feelings come and then slowly let them go. The journey takes a long time. Your love for your Paula is etched in your mind and heart that it will forever be there. I know you are trying to accept your deep loss. It is something that will take a long, long time. I still have conversations with my Jim that seem so real. Just the other day I went out into the kitchen to ask him a question only to remember that he has been gone for a year now. Our deep love for our spouses does that to us and that is alright. Stay with the waves. Remember, you do not walk alone with the caring people who are on this forum. Anne

[boogieman]

Thanks again. I try to live in the moment. But I still find the same uncertainies, the same gnawing agony, the multitude of unknowns and unanswered questions. I can not let this go. They are my constant torment. Even in better times I know they are there waiting to erupt and consume me. I have absolutely no control as to when, where, or why. I find this lack of even the slightest bit of inner control very upsetting. It leaves me feeling open and vulnerable. I don't like that at all but can't seem to do anything about it. So I stay in a state of almost constant edginess, stress, and tenseness waiting for the next outbreak. The stress of this taking its toll. The few hours I get, if that many daily, without the unbearable agony do not even come close to being adequate to counter-balance the remainder of every so agonizing day. The full-blown stress/panic attacks I somewhat control by staying home. But I know and sense they are there ready just beneath the surface to explode at a moments notice. I see no sleep for me again tonight.

Chris