I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Greetings. I made the day by diving head-first into chores. I hated doing them but My Paula was always about getting things done.

I found another method of dealing with this trauma. It is working for me, anyway.

I put-up a picture of My Paula as a screen saver on my computer. Now I can peer into her beautiful eyes ever time I come here. And we talk. My Paula always is such a good listener!

[Cakes01]

That's a great idea! I did that with my phone and my tablet. I love being able to see MM smile. I'm glad it's working for you

[kayc]

I'm glad the pictures on your computer bring you comfort. I went through bouts of putting pictures up, taking them down, finally, I have left them up. I think whatever brings us comfort...and that can change from day to day...

[boogieman]

Another extremely sad day for me. It was two months ago today I had to admit My Paula into the hospital for control of her great pain. Today I hurt more than last month and even more than the day it had to happen. Stress, nerviousness, chest pains, stomach tied in knots, racing heart, high blood pressure, and my constant headache seem to consume and control the day. Very little sleep last night certainly doesn't help matters.

I am once again at the end of my endurance. I just can't seem to find my way through this devistation. My Paula is gone and I am left here alone. It is such a sad and lonely place. So dark and hopeless.

I cry out for her, for God, to give me some sort of relief, some modicum of comfort and ease.

I gaze at My Paulas picture on the computer screen but today only see who and what I have lost, what we have lost.

My anger, frustration, and sorrow is overwhelming. With no means of releasing it I feel the full weight of the total devistation now drowning me. A burden I have no means of dealing with. The lows seem to be getting lower.

I have no energy left to try to struggle against the crushing weight. I am so tired from dealing with this. I don't know how to fight it. I'm overwhelmed here and loosing the battle. From my perspective there is no up, only down to a deeper, darker, lonelier place.

Posting here I feel no better. I know there is nothing anyone can do.

All I need is for My Paula to hold me, console me, bring me some comfort.

And I know what the next three days will bring. More sorrow than I am able to comprehend.

Chris

[kayc]

Chris, Did you ever see the doctor about your anxiety? If that were under control it might help the emotions be more bearable. And you may not feel like it helps to post but it really does help to be able to voice yourself. That power that was lost when they died w/o our say so is restored partially when we voice ourselves at least.

I'm sorry it hurts so much, I do know how hard it is.

[MartyT]

Chris, we hear you and we recognize the state of mind you describe as you head into yet another holiday weekend.

As I reviewed the last several posts in this thread, I came upon what Mary said to you last Sunday, and I am left to wonder: Have you followed through on any of her suggestions?

Mary wrote,

Chris, now that you know where the groups are and have the information, why not call on a neighbor or friend or one of your children to ride along with you as you drive the first couple of times and join one of these groups. Asking for what we need is difficult for most of us. Perhaps resolve to make it possible for yourself. I do understand how safe home feels during these tough tough times but you need support. Exercising hard might be a good way to "vent" even exercising at home with weights perhaps. Or if there is a gym nearby that could be good also. I have found that sometimes I need to push myself to do what I need for me. Example: Going to events alone remains difficult for me but I have done it and usually hook up with someone once I am there. Right now taking the solitude I desperately need is hard and I sit here wanting to go do anything in spite of being with 125 people for three days earlier this week and spending probably 3 hours talking to two different people yesterday. My body loves the rest I am getting. I am calmer but there is an urgency to run from the reality of my life. So far I am winning. But both take effort and perhaps your joining a support group and exercising hard will take the same kind of effort. I do not mean to preach but rather just offer examples and suggestions. In the end, of course, you know yourself and have to do what works for you.

Holidays and weekends are tough, but what we choose to do with them is well within our control, and we can plan in advance how we intend to spend them. If you are open to suggestions, I invite you to read the following:

Grief Rituals Can Help

Creating a Grief Ritual: Love, Loss and Continuing Bonds by Elaine Mansfield

Rituals and Routines That Help Mourning by Lou LaGrand

Resolutions for the Bereaved

Light A Candle: Online Interactive Ritual

[kayc]

Wasn't Chris the one that had a serious injury so he couldn't exercise? I was thinking that, anyway, maybe water exercise might be an idea...I do know how important exercise is for our mental and physical health and well being, and as a way of relieving stress and making us feel better. Just an idea, don't know if it's possible for him or not.

[mfh]

Good catch, Kay. one form of exercise that most can do is Tai Chi. I recently took a brush up class Tai Chi for Arthritis patients. Chris, maybe your hospital offers it...mine did and it was all but free. It involves breathing as well as movement and the movement is gentle but effective.

[boogieman]

Thanky you to all. Following up on your sugestions requires some simblance of organization and planning. Another thing I can barely manage. And leaving the safety and comfort of home where My Paula is.

And Marty, I did light a candle for My Paula. I felt heart wrenching sadness as I acknowledged the reason for the ritual. If it is supposed to bring some closure or relief I completely missed it.

Yes I am the broke-down old guy with physical limitations. I feel so much older than 65. I can hardly recognize the old man looking back at me in my mirror. In 2011 while My Paula was recovering from her colon surgery, her incision became infected requiring an agonizing 14 day extended stay in the hospital and 6 weeks daily home care afterwards. During that time frame my salt and pepper hair and beard turned snow white. A condition only exaserbated by my 3 years of complete attention and care for her.

Now I have the time but no desire or drive for just me. I really hope I don't have to endure this agony too much longer. I am willing to be with My Paula at almost any measure. Without her my life is so pointless and without meaning.

Right or wrong I see that moving on means leaving part of My Paula behind. The one thing I will never do. Observing rituals can not, will not, bring My Paula and me any closer together no matter how well meaning. I am stranded between heaven and hell. Can't go back. Abjectly devistated and frozen in the present. Afraid of loosing a part of My Paula by moving on.

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, I do understand the pain of loss...believe me. And I also understand that no one is suggesting that taking care of yourself, which you call moving on, means leaving Paula behind. Bill is a part of who I am. Even if I wanted to leave him behind, which I do not want to do, I couldn't do that. We are one in more ways than not. Moving forward only means taking care of yourself. Later it may mean taking on a new interest but you still will never leave Paula behind. She, like Bill, is a part of my heart, a part of every breath I take. His love permeates all I do. Now I am not always conscious of that especially as much lately as I was three years ago. I do things in his honor. I refer to all I learned of kindness by remembering his kindness. Today someone who never met Bill said to me that she has heard from many people what a kind man he was. I should be as kind! What i am stumbling about trying to say is that Paula would want you to take care of YOU. Just as she took care of you. And doing that is not leaving her behind. It is continuing what she was about and what motivated her. Grief ages us. I am 73 and feel physically like I aged a lot since Bill got sick and yes, I have more gray hairs too.

That is all we are suggesting...self care. How can you take care of your self, your body, your mind and your spirit?

Peace as you walk this difficult path,

Mary

[kayc]

I couldn't have put it better, Mary. I think a lot of us, esp. in the early days when we didn't understand what it meant, object to the term "moving on". As if! But we do have to continue in the land of the living, that is our current dwelling place. And I think it only fitting that we honor what it is they would have wanted for us, if we can. They will continue to be a part of us as long as we have breath and beyond.

[mfh]

Thanks, Kay. Yes, the term "moving on" is lethal. Mary

[boogieman]

As you said Mary, you are not as conscious of Bill as three tears ago. To me that is "moving on". I applaude your tenacity. I am by no means sure I can do what you are doing.

Time and age erases the things we don't make the effort to hold on to agressively. To my horror I have already in two months time caught myself not considering My Paula in something I say or do. I just can not allow that trend to continue unchecked. Already I find myself loosing the tenuious grasp I hold on to so dearly. I get upset with myself for that lapse. What might it be in 6 months, or a year from now if I don't make every effort to hold on to what I cherish so deeply?

Being able and so proudly willing to sacrafice myself for My Paula for the past three years I find I don't really matter much anymore. Living is all about "moving on". I feel no great urge to do so without My Paula. I much prefer the prospect of being with her. I don't have a mission to fulfill, a duty to keep now. My entire being was devoted to caring for and loving her. That solemn vow upheld to the very end and beyond.

Being so devistated by all this I can't seem to find my way through. I am so very tired of the constant struggle just to breathe alone. Before I met My Paula I was easily comfortable alone. She showed me just how majestic a true loving caring partnership was supposed to be. Now I find the prospects of that future without her unacceptable due to just how special and wonderful our relationship is. I prefer that to any other state of existence.

Yes she would want better for me. And I also know My Paula would equally understand and forgive for that is her nature.

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, Here is what I said: "Bill is a part of who I am. Even if I wanted to leave him behind, which I do not want to do, I couldn't do that. We are one in more ways than not. Moving forward only means taking care of yourself. Later it may mean taking on a new interest but you still will never leave Paula behind. She, like Bill, is a part of my heart, a part of every breath I take. His love permeates all I do. Now I am not always conscious of that especially as much lately as I was three years ago. I do things in his honor. I refer to all I learned of kindness by remembering his kindness."

When Bill died, all I could think about day and night was my pain and loss. Now I carry this loss differently. But if you read the above, you will see that I said I do not want to nor can I leave him behind. I am able now to do things like paint, read, take care of bills, etc. and concentrate on those.I can go to a play and focus on the play. This does not mean I leave Bill behind...it means he is with me in a new way.

I think all of us have felt what you feel and look for meaning in life again. I really think you need to give yourself time and get some help from a therapist or support group. Believe me I never dreamed I would be able to concentrate on a book three years ago. But when I say that to you, you do not see that as a good thing. your fear of NOT thinking about Paula constantly is huge and I really hope you will get some counseling face to face to help you find some peace...NOT to help you move on away from Paula because I believe she goes with you, is with you but to help you find some peace. Grief is tough, Chris. We all have and are dealing with loss and the pain is huge but holding on to the pain is not our goal. Learning how to carry our grief, live life in honor of the person we lost...those are goals. I hope you can consider these thoughts. Mary

[kayc]

Chris,

So many of us mistakenly think that we have to hold on to the hurting because to do any less would be getting further away from them. We have to, at some point, give ourselves permission to smile, to enjoy something. You are still very steeped in the early throes of grief where the pain is all encompassing. Marty put it so well one time when she said something to the effect that it's not that we miss them any less as time goes by but rather we become better at coping. This is a learning experience and the further we go on our grief journey, the more we learn and thus become better at dealing with it. Just as being a caretaker might seem overwhelming at first, with time you get more able to handle things you never thought possible.

[boogieman]

Apologies Mary. I misinterpreted your meaning. Apparently my mind has a mind of its own sometimes.

Right now all I have are memories and the pain. The pain a constant reminder of my loss. The memories are the past I so long for.

Tomorrow I will look into the posibility of counseling as I do have a real fear of loosing My Paula again. Right now I can't let go as that is all I have.

The permission to enjoy life again I find foreign. Enjoyment of and for life has been ripped away. Time is not a friendly ally now. The sense of urgency too great.

Thank you too Kay. At one point not so long ago I knew nothing about cancer. How quickly I had to emerse myself in that. I only hope is to find as much solid info on this subject as I did the other.

Being My Paulas caretaker was my honor, never overwhelming. I was good at caring for her.

Hopefully tomorrow brings better days.

Chris

[Wifflesnook]

This is such an important discussion and so relevant to me. I too feel that when I feel pain I feel closer to Pete and yet I know this is not the right way to be. Firstly I know he would not wish me to be in deep deep pain all the time. He was such a positive person he would want me to try to achieve some happiness. One year on I still find it hard to get enjoyment from anything, and if I do find myself enjoying something I feel guilty because it doesn't seem right to be able to do that when mourning the loss of my soul mate. I know I need to work hard on this. It is all inside my head of course. So Chris I know exactly how you feel. I feel it too. But people like Mary, Marty and Kay know that we are still early on in this awful grief (you even earlier than I Chris) and somehow we have to find ways of carrying our loved ones with us, whilst carrying on living somehow, and trying to be as content as possible without them physically in our lives.

[mfh]

Chris, no need to apologize.

Chris and Jan, I think it is very common to associate the pain we feel with being close to the person we miss so much. Hard to separate those two. I do not think that learning to be with the person we lost in a new way means we are not as close to them. I am not in nearly as much pain today as I was in the early days after losing Bill. In those days, I WAS pain. Pain was all of me. Now I am IN pain...it is there all the time but it does not rule my life most of the time. I know it will not destroy me. I carry it in one hand as I carry gratitude in the other. I carry sadness and joy. Sometimes I surrender to my pain and have a good long cry or hunker down and disappear from the map for a day or feel sorry for myself but my pain does not determine my closeness to Bill. Bill is a part of who I am and he always will be. All we shared, sacred moments, memories, how I changed with his love and how he changed with my love, his kindness....the list is so so long....are all part of who I am and always will be. He is still the wind beneath my wings. There is hardly an hour that passes now, 3+ years later, that I do not think of him in some way. I also live HERE in my body and unless I want to spend these years under a blanket sobbing, I have to "do" life and I want to. I want to honor him by being the best I can be...and honor myself as well. I want to help others. I want to share times with friends, meditate, grow, transform. I want to learn how to do watercolor well. I want to interact with our dog. None of those "want to do's" means I do them without Bill. He is part of me. I believe his energy is within mine always...I mean that physically...he is now energy/consciousness and I believe our energies have merged....within me. I believe all energy is one. A friend told me once, an artist friend, that when she sees me now, she also sees Bill. I wept. I am stumbling around here but moving forward does not mean we move forward alone. It means we take care of our bodies, minds, spirits, house, life, pets, friends, give back...and that the person we lost is with us except that we can not see or touch them physically. Sometimes they give us signs. Probably more often than we recognize.

Chris I am elated that you will see a therapist. I would contact Hospice in your area to see who the GOOD grief counselors are or grief support groups...or both. I did both and I AM a therapist and have been for 40 years....which in one sense made my journey more difficult because I held "shoulds" up i.e. that I should be able to "do grief well" and "move on". Once I realized I will grieve like anyone else grieves...I was able to own ALL my pain and walk my journey stumbling along the labyrinth...slow as it is for me. Chris, DO get someone to work with you face to face. Let us know. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Chris, I too am very glad that you will consider finding someone to help guide you through this journey, at least at the beginning. It is the hardest journey I have ever embarked on. When my dear MIL was bedridden with cancer, I had a baby and a toddler and was needed to take care of her...it was a journey that lasted nearly three years. I had no idea it would last that long as they'd given her about three weeks. But I do remember I took it a day at a time. It was hard as we were grieving in anticipation of her death and somehow death and life got all intermingled. My poor little girl, when she started kindergarten, they called us in and questioned us "about our home life" because she was coloring with black and brown and grey! I told them that her grandma was dying and we'd been living with it for nearly three years. Within a week she passed away, and shortly after my daughter began using bright colors...it was the living with suffering and death that was so hard on her. It was hard on all of us, as any of you who have been caretakers can attest. Yet it was the most special time in the world too, and I am so glad we had the opportunity to do it the way we did, in her own home, surrounded by her loved ones.

I have not thought of this grief journey as being quite so precious. It has been hard. But even in all of the pain and challenges, there has come much learning, many lessons that I consider real pearls. It has shaped and molded me into who I am. I have not had the chance to become shallow, for hardship does not allow for that. It's like we are in a garden full of weeds and we must pull the weeds and cultivate the flowers and water and tend them so the weeds do not have their way. It has taken tremendous effort to go on, it is not for the fainthearted. But I feel a sense of accomplishment and pride in us all, for we have done what we all would have thought unthinkable...that first moment when we knew they were dead, we did not think it possible, but we have survived. I know, people for centuries have died and their loved ones have survived, but this was not merely a loved one, this was MY GEORGE! Yet here I am, it will be eight years in five days. Today is his birthday. Instead of heading out camping or to the coast to celebrate, I am alone with an ordinary day full of chores. I think back to how handsome he was, how full of life and I wonder how can it be that he is gone. But he is only physically gone, for he really does live inside of me, in a way I never could have understood "before".

Chris, you mustn't fear losing her, that will not happen. How COULD it happen! You were everything to each other! You spent your lives together! No, she will continue to reside in your heart and soul and your memories will always be full of her. She will continue to encourage and bring comfort to you, it will just be different. It is that which I hope you will get professional help with, to help you learn how to incorporate this new way into your life, to help you learn how it is that you can have her with you in this new form. We didn't get a choice about them leaving us physically, but we do have the ability to see to it that they remain with us in spirit.

[mfh]

Kay, that is a lovely and helpful post...in my opinion.

Thinking of you on this special day... George's birthday. I did not realize his birthday coincided so closely with the day of his death. June 19? is that correct?

Mary

[kayc]

Yes. My dad's bdy was June 10, also his and my mom's anv. same day, then George's bdy June 14 and death day Father's Day and the 19th. I feel like I got a double whammy since it was Father's Day as I am reminded every year on that day as well as the numerical day.

[mfh]

It is strange how these sad events seem to cluster and also fall on other big days. I buried Bill the day before Easter and my birthday. So his death, burial, Easter and my birthday are tied. I will be thinking of you as you traverse these days....like a bridge over a deep crevice. I guess (hope) with each crossing it gets easier.

Mary

[MartyT]

Chris, my dear, as I read through the most recent posts in this thread, the image came to me of you (and Jan) standing at or near the foot of a mountain, with Mary and Kay at the summit, encouraging you and doing their best to reassure you that you too are perfectly capable of climbing that same mountain ~ but not until you're in fairly good physical condition to begin with; not without the proper clothing and equipment; not without some information about the mountain itself and some training in climbing; and not without an experienced guide or two. This grief you've only just begun is a process, not a single event. It is a long and arduous journey, and it requires preparation, proper conditioning and training. It is a journey not to be taken alone.

We have many, many seasoned and experienced guides to support and assist you on your journey, Chris. I hope you listen to their wisdom. It will serve you very, very well.

[boogieman]

Ladies, I am humbled by your kind words, explanations, insights, and encouragement. I think that possible I now begin to see a possible pathway up this mountain of unimaginable sorrow and grief. Is it possible that sometimes a step backwards allows for a better view of the pathway?

I will re-read these last posts several times to glean a better understanding. Still so unsure and upset by all of this I begin to realize the inevitable.

Earlier I did heed someones advice and got out for a while. Did some shopping, took care of a business matter, and stopped in to visit an old friend of ours. One of the few who seems to understand. After a short visit I began to feel anxious again but I stayed for a few minutes longer at his insistance until that subsided. Coming home I stopped for a bite of lunch. Getting back home I felt briefly distracted and diverted from the grief and sorrow for just a little while. Even somewhat at ease.

Then Bobbie (Daughter/Daughter-in-law) dropped in for a short visit. She helped me decide where best to arrange the pictures of My Paula around the house, just as My Paula would appreciate. I know I appreciate the gesture. I think that helped her (Bobbie) in her grief process, too.

Now more relaxed and at ease I post here.

Thanks again Ladies. By the way Kay, my birthday is June 10th also.

Chris

[mfh]

Yes, Chris, standing back a bit does help us see...sort of like going to the hilltop to see the woods that we are in. This friend you stopped to see...is that someone you can go to lunch with once in a while or invite over for cards or something?

Marty, I do like the visualization of the mountain...of course I think in pictures so am always eager to enjoy them.

Mary