I Need Your Help

[Wifflesnook]

Although we all know the only company we truly want is from our beloved spouses, nevertheless other company does help a tiny bit, and I'm so glad you found some. I have to force myself to seek out company but it does ease my loneliness just a bit.

[mfh]

Harry, this is a wonderful piece about Jane, you and the work you are doing. You have worked so hard for this cause and I hope you feel proud as you also grieve. I am also glad you are cutting back just a little.

I am in a hotel on the Mississippi River preparing for the last of three days of a death education conference. I woke at 5am though it is almost six now, with tears flowing down my face. I think I was dreaming of being here with Bill and of course he was not here when I awoke though it felt like he was. Last night I stood looking out the window on to the boardwalk along the river and onto the river itself with it high bluffs on the far side. I remember Bill writing a poem about the barges taking whatever barges take down to the Gulf of Mexico. Today the Mississippi is dangerously flooding just south of here so hopefully lives won't be lost. When I get home I will look up the poem and perhaps post it. bill wrote poems very often and one to me at least monthly on our anniversary date but more often frequently. So as I look out to the rain again today it feels like my tears.

Today we have a speaker from Australia for keynote and one workshop followed by the closing. But the first thing on the agenda is a memorial services where Bill's name will be read as well as the loved ones so many here have lost. I will remember Jane and all those we here on this forum have lost recently and years ago. I have a list in my pocket of all the names I could remember from here. It is long. This entire conference has been on children and death...on their grieving process.

I should be home by 4pm delayed by a stop at the nursery to see the two trees I ordered...one is a memory tree in Bill's honor replacing the one cut down by lightning last summer.

Peace to everyone. Take care of yourselves. I am going to do my metta meditation and will carry each of you with me today in my meditation and in my heart and your loved ones at the memorial service.

Mary

[enna]

I checked in on this post to let Chris know how strong I thought he was to go with his daughter and spend all that time on the road with her and laugh and talk. Any moment of peace that we can find lifts our hearts and I just know that Paula is with you Chris. We caregivers were a very special bunch, I think. It sure did deepen my love for my Jim if that was possible! It is good to have you here with us as we take our journeys all together. It is good not to be alone.

Mary, your post above directed to Harry touched my heart. Our tears never end, do they. I can understand how thinking that your Bill was there could have seemed so real. We will always have those memories to visit us.

I hope that the rest of the morning is going well. Thank you for remembering all of our loved ones along with Bill during the memorial service.

Safe trip back to Spring Green. Bentley will be so glad to see you.

Anne

[kayc]

Chris,

so glad your trip with your daughter went well and I'm sure it was good for her too, to not go alone, and to get to spend some time with her dad.

[boogieman]

Yes, the trip did us both good. Talking to Bobbie (DIL)today she heard from Emily last night what a good time we shared yesterday. We love our girls so very dearly. They both take after My Paula in their care and concern for their loved ones, TOO! Bobbie came to help me finally finish the photo album of 8" x 10" pictures of My Paula. Emotionally difficult alone, much easier with her help. I felt that finishing this project would somehow close a chapter in My Paulas life and memory. I have been delaying the finishing for that reason. Much to my surprise and delight I find the opposite. I sense the same "release" that I felt as I asked the Hospice Care nurse to increase My Paulas pain meds knowing the ramifications of that decision. Then the release from her pain soon to follow.

By finishing the pictures I now have as complete a compilation of My Paula as can be assembled. Pictures from her birth through this past Christmas. Each one renewing the warm loving feelings and the specifics of wonderfully happy times shared together. Now I can "release" her in yet another fashion by having these prescious images of her to admire at my leisure and discretion. Not simply ending a chapter, but turning the first page on a new one.

I know that those of you following my story understand. Thank you all for being here for me, for My Paula, for us all.

Chris

[mfh]

Although we all know the only company we truly want is from our beloved spouses, nevertheless other company does help a tiny bit, and I'm so glad you found some. I have to force myself to seek out company but it does ease my loneliness just a bit.

Jan, I think your joining the walking group is far more than a little thing. I think you have taken big steps in your grief journey...including better self care and rest.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Yes Marty, thanks for encouragement. I think Pete would be proud of the way I try, even though some of the things I do seem like dust and ashes in my mind. I feel I just go through the motions. People see me and think I'm normal. I'm so far from that I can't describe, but I suppose by joining in things I am doing the right thing. I shall go again. All four women had husbands to return to though :-(

[boogieman]

How quickly things can turn. Had two very good days with our girls. Even slept well and rested last night. Only to awake screaming from a horrid nightmare tonight, or morning. Once again I see it is going on 3:00 AM, the hour My Paula passed away. I can not escape this even in desparate fatigued sleep. I have got to find a way, some means of ending this torture. I write in my journal daily. I have almost finished My Paulas picture project. I talk to her. I pray. I rest when neccessary. I eat when I have to. I try to remain calm. I get out of the house. I visit with family. I talk to friends. I post on this forum. I think of our best days. I remember the wonderful life we had. I do everything I can think of to quell this raging storm of torment in my soul with little results.

I don't have a clue as to what else to do. This agony and torture just won't let me be. How most of you deal with our type of loss for months, even years, is beyond my comprehension. I reluctantly admit that I am almost at my wit's end again.

Chris

[KATPILOT]

^Chris,

^{When I was going through a similar time as you, I found that getting out of my house and just walking, briskly, helped me a lot. Granted it didn't last long before I would get anxious again but it helped . I started walking more frequently just for short times even in the middle of the night. I suppose I was running from the demons that I knew were close behind yet I felt I could escape for a bit.}

^{As time went on, I found tools to help me fight them though they never go away. Even last weekend I had a few bad days again and I am up now, just after 2 am. It always was going to be a tough time Chris. Just remember that you have a lot of support here and there is more where you live if you need it.}

[Wifflesnook]

Chris, I'm sorry for what you are going through. After a time you will find that the pain ebbs and flows. At the moment mine is very sharp. At other times its as though I am partly anaesthetised against the agony. It isn't always easy to see what brings about the changes. Your pain relates directly to what you have lost. Like me, and others (most of not all of us) you have lost the person who was everything, and I mean everything, to you. I think it helps us to write to each other about it. By sharing our pain we don't make it increase. Neither do we make it decrease in my experience, but it does make us realise that others share these feelings. And you will find that unless people have had such a loss they can never understand what it's like. So there are very few people around me who know how I feel. And they see me walking about with the dog and think I'm doing well. But in my heart I'm an empty shell. We, on the forum, know how it is for you. Day by day by day we all carry on somehow. Peace

[kayc]

Chris,

I have learned to not fight the pain, but to accept it, embrace it when it comes. If I need to weep, I weep. I feel the missing him, I allow myself to feel it, I don't try to squelch those feelings. Nothing about my life feels the same as "before", nor do I expect it to. I have a different life now, a different chapter. I enjoy time with my dog. I try to get out some on the weekends so the aloneness doesn't swallow me. I take care of myself and have learned to value myself. It has been a learning chapter of my life.

[boogieman]

Thank you all. I still have no clue. I did manage to eat a bite earlier. Finished My Paula's photo album tonight and feel good about it. Exercise for me is out. In '07 I was broadsided by a truck in the drivers door. Yes, I was driving. Totaled my car. Totaled the truck. Broke four vertabra, ruptured one, dislocated another and have constant numbness in my left leg due to nerve damage in my spinal cord at T-12. Dislocated my left shoulder, too. My left knee tends to buckle at the slightest provocation. Been dumped in the floor more than once. Hard to climb stairs. Ladders are out. Have to be very careful about what I pick up or how I turn as the slightest pressure on the damaged nerve brings excruciating pain. My Paula nursed me back from that hell for almost a year. Now My Paula is not here to comfort me for her loss. I do so much better with her beside me. So I struggle on the best I can. Finding no relief, little rest, very little sleep, and no comfort on a daily basis. But I am still here. It's 10:00 PM. Ought to think about bed as I am so tired again tonight. But sleep and rest is elusive.

Chris

[enna]

Remember, dear Chris. One minute, one hour, one day at a time is what it takes to get through your days. I am so sorry to hear of the health issues you have had. Do you have access to a pool? Water is such a healing thing without any strain on almost all of our bodies. You are strong and you will do what you have to do to crawl through this journey you are now facing.

Listening to music helps me relax and often fall asleep. I hope your night is peaceful. Anne

[boogieman]

Thank you, Anne. I hadn't thought of pool/water therapy as I am also extremely suspectable to inner ear infections from pool and lake water. I ended up with lock-jaw on more than one occasion after swimming. Yes, "crawling through" is an apt description.

I slept very hard last night for a change. Woke with the ever-present headache. Something has been in the back of my mind for weeks now. Something unclear. Somehow during the night this issue became clear and I see a positive aspect to part of all this. Writing in my journal I acknowledge my overwhelming need for My Paula. For me, the simple gesture of re-commiting to her, to us, gives me some peace. We vowed to love, honor, and cherish each other "until death do us part". I realize that I am, in fact, vey much alive and can continue to uphold the solemn vows we made to each other. I choose to actively love her, honor her, and cherish her, even given our temporary seperation. For me, this re-commitment to My Paula gives me some hope, a direction for my remaining days, and something to live for. I realize she is still with me in every possible way except physically. I am actively, passionately, still in love with her. Why should I stop now? I still feel the same about My Paula only more deeply if that is understandable. I have no idea where this may lead us but I intend to find out. But I won't be just a passenger on our new journey. I can have some in-put as to the direction and course to come. To be active, not passive. To act, not re-act. Hopefully being so alone won't be as hard. I truly hope this new attitude towards My Paula, and our so cherished relationship, replaces some of the grief and agony now so prominent in my daily existence.

I know that more hard times are yet to come. Praying that this new attitude will see us through.

Chris

[mfh]

Dear Chris, I feel as married to Bill today, three plus years after he died, as I did the day he died and all through our years together. I choose now to do thing to honor him and our love and it has helped me create meaning. I enrolled our dog, Bentley in classes and have gotten him certified as a therapy dog and next week we make our first visit. I help people here locally when they call me for information about grief or just want to have coffee and share. And next year I will start leading a grief support group (I am a therapist). I do all of this to create meaning and I do it as a way of honoring Bill and our relationship. I know I would want him to go on in his life if I had died. I would want him to find meaning in whatever way he chose and that would honor what we had together. So that is what I do as I also focus on my own journey through grief. Perhaps one day down the road you will discover something you wish to do also to honor your beloved Paula...volunteer work, etc. in her name. Just a thought as you are defining ways to help you on your journey.

Peace

Mary

[MartyT]

You're also honoring your beloved through your active participation in these online forums, dear Mary ~ and that counts, too ♥

(Your post reminds me of Lou LaGrand's insightful article, posted this morning: Finding Meaning in Life After the Death of Your Loved One.)

[mfh]

Thank you, Marty. So much. That means a lot to me.

I just came here again to post the piece I just found by Lou LaGrand (that you posted on FB) and see that you have done that already....no surprise It is indeed, a good piece...thanks so much.

Chris, I urge you to read this piece that Marty posted.

Mary

[KATPILOT]

Good thoughts Mary!

I think what you did with Bentely is fantastic. As we have gone through a lot in our path of grieving, I was reminded of my Hospice councelor who herself had lost her husband eight years earlier than I had and I remember her telling me how she finished her degree after her loss and she held up her diploma to show her husband what she had finally accomplished. We honor our loved ones by going forward. We also create purpose in our lives by helping others. I once read in a book back in the 80's by a therapist J Scott Peck who back then taught me that we are all therapists really. We teach what we learn and we should try to help when we can. That is why when a building burns, we run into the fire to save lives.......when a bomb goes off in Boston we rush to stop the bleeding. It's who we are. Human beings. Yet we are ouselves are so fragile. When we enter our own grief, others come to help. Use this help Chris and one day you can give it back.

By the way, I also feel as married today as I was the moment she put that ring on my finger. When I talk to her still, I call her my wife.

Kathy left still married to me. I will go out just as married to her.

That's kind of cool I think.

Stephen

[mfh]

Good thoughts Mary!

We also create purpose in our lives by helping others. I once read in a book back in the 80's by a therapist J Scott Peck who back then taught me that we are all therapists really. We teach what we learn and we should try to help when we can. That is why when a building burns, we run into the fire to save lives.......when a bomb goes off in Boston we rush to stop the bleeding. It's who we are. Human beings. Yet we are ouselves are so fragile. When we enter our own grief, others come to help. Use this help Chris and one day you can give it back.

By the way, I also feel as married today as I was the moment she put that ring on my finger. When I talk to her still, I call her my wife.

Kathy left still married to me. I will go out just as married to her.

That's kind of cool I think.

Stephen

Dear Stephen, Your counselor sounds like she did a terrific job. I do understand telling our beloveds of what we do. I do it all the time. And yes, we are all healers...wounded healers. We know pain and can step in and help others in so many ways. I love what you said about Kathy leaving married to you and you will do the same. That is lovely. I also think it is just fine when someone remarries. I just do not choose to do that...nor do you. What ever anyone finds good for them. Peace, Mary

[Wifflesnook]

I too feel just as much a wife to Pete as when he lived. I don't like the word widow even though I know that is just folly as it is what I am. But I still feel like a wife, I still feel married, and I can't imagine changing that feeling. And I guess that when people who have had the deep bond we have, do find another partner, they still feel married to their first love even so. Like Mary I am sure I will never remarry because for me there is only Pete. But I'm pleased for those who do.

[KATPILOT]

Jan you are so right. Some people like my dad who I know had a deep love with my mother, get married again even though they still love their departed spouse. Even though my dad was married to my step mom for 28 years which is how long he had been married to my mom when he died, I found something very interesting in his will. He had made his will and trust with my step mom. He stated that he wanted "me" (though I have two siblings), to have his ashes to do with as I wish. Now when my mom passed thirty five years ago, she had asked me to spread her ashes over her favorite place in Arizona using my airplane. I know my dad wants me to do the same with him, he just didn't want to put it that way in the will he shared with my step mom. I will be doing so sometime this year.

So I really understand some people getting married again and I would never judge anyone for doing what was right for them. I just want friends and relatives to stop telling me I need to move on and I will find someone else. Only ourselves do we know.

I could never refer to Kathy as anyone other than my wife. One of my least favorite thing is filling out forms stating my marital status.

Don't you just hate listing single when you know your not?

[kayc]

Just a few days after George died, the social security office told me our marriage "ended in death" and I erupted in tears and cried all the way home, so hard I had to stop on the way. I didn't ask for our marriage to end, and neither did he, and it seemed unfair that the gov't or anyone else should pronounce it so...at best it seemed incredibly insensitive for them to say that aloud.

I think you'll find as you go through this grief journey, that you still carry your Paula with you, for she never leaves you, she lives in your heart. It will be to her you continue to turn, for comfort, solace, strength, even as it's her physical presence you grieve. I'm sorry you were left with so many infirmities with your accident. Some of what you have learned in dealing with overcoming that tragedy will probably aid you as you overcome this one, for many of the same principles apply regardless of the situation. We do not get a say in the hand we are dealt, only in what we do with it. In the beginning it is enough just to stay alive and breathe, but as time goes by we begin to process and learn and it is then that the challenges confront our focus.

[boogieman]

The resolve I expressed in my last post has seemed to diminish. I cried myself to sleep last night. Not sleeping well as a result, I woke feeling very low. No energy, direction, or focus. The mail came earlier. There is a card from My Paulas dear friend from high school. Reading her kind sympathetic note induced yet another wave of inconsolable grief. I am so very low again. Our daughter is away pursuing her real estate business. I had grown accustomed to our oldest son coming to mow the yard on Saturdays. Haven't heard from him this week. Oldest grand-daughter has been busy readying for her Belieze mission trip. I don't want to be a burden so I haven't called them.

So here I sit, typing away, and crying. Feeling sad and lonely again. So greatly missing My Paulas physical presence and companionship. Now I realize my frustration and anger begining to rise. I know this is a phase of grieving I haven't dealt with yet and need to do so. I have this need to vent, to let out the pent-up feelings, but have no constructive mechanism to do so.

So I just sit in another utterly complete daze unable to do anything but cry. Thinking on My Paula brings both great comfort and joy tempered with the devestating loss I suffer. Seemingly all avenues lead to the same dead-end conclusion.

Monday is my 65th birthday and My Paula won't be here to share it with me. Happy birthday to me. I know this isn't her fault or doing but the results are still the same. I am completely, totally alone and will remain that way. A victim of tragic circumstances. And, yes, that is how I perceive myself. A complete and total victim. The one left behind to cope with the devistating loss of My Paula.

Chris

[mfh]

The resolve I expressed in my last post has seemed to diminish. I cried myself to sleep last night. Not sleeping well as a result, I woke feeling very low. No energy, direction, or focus. ..... I am so very low again. ....I don't want to be a burden so I haven't called them.

....I have this need to vent, to let out the pent-up feelings, but have no constructive mechanism to do so.

Monday is my 65th birthday and My Paula won't be here to share it with me. Happy birthday to me. I know this isn't her fault or doing but the results are still the same. I am completely, totally alone and will remain that way. A victim of tragic circumstances. And, yes, that is how I perceive myself. A complete and total victim. The one left behind to cope with the devistating loss of My Paula.

Chris, our resolves to take care of ourselves, to deal with grief, etc. (yours and all of ours) are not diminished by the roller coaster of grief. They are tested but when we dip down, we wait it out, grieve, sob, whatever and then we renew the resolve that is sitting in the background.

You said you need to vent, let out pent up feelings...but have no constructive mechanism to do so. I lost track but wonder if you have pursued counseling face to face yet? And you can vent here. We all do it. We all understand that but face to face counseling in my opinion is clearly what you need to pursue. Even if it means you do without something else if you have to pay for it but I was under the impression that you were in touch with a Hospice counselor. Church groups also exist.

As for your birthday...those first birthdays and most after that so far for me...are lonely and difficult. I turned 70 the day after I buried Bill and except for going to his grave, I have no recollection of that day. It also happened to be Easter Sunday. It is all a blur. I do hope you will call a friend or one or two of your kids and do something. Throw your own dinner or lunch and invite them out...it does not mean it will be a happy birthday. It means you are taking action to make it the best it can be. Feeling victimized by loss is probably common...I would not worry about labels right now. I would focus on what you can do to distract yourself from some of the pain a bit. I am truly truly sorry you are hurting so much. I hurt like that also in the beginning...it takes time to learn how to carry the grief. Hospice here had a spousal loss group that was helpful in that it provided support and education. Why not check it out.

Peace to your heart. You are NOT alone...we are all here walking the same journey.

Mary

[enna]

First of all, Chris, I want to wish you a very Happy Birthday on Monday. You are still a young one. I will be 71 in December and I feel young also.

Your feelings will come and go, Chris. It's like an ebb and tide. The waves come in and then they go out. We may feel calm one hour and find ourselves in deep pain the next. They tell us to ride the waves, don't fight them.

Let those tears come. It's like giving yourself permission to be where you are at the moment.

I found that I watched a lot of television (which I never did) in the beginning just to distract me so that I didn't get depressed. Old movies are great. I'm a music lover. I have music on in the house most of the time. Later on, I'd put golf on (Jim was a golfer and loved the game) and baseball, football, and volley ball. Having those games on seemed to keep me connected to him. A few times I'd even find myself talking outloud about what was going on in a game! Never did get any response - thank goodness!

Remember, you are not alone. We here on this forum are here. We do understand what you are going through. And we don't get tired of listening. Anne