kayc Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Well I know the process, I've been through it before, you file with BOLI but they do nothing, they send a letter, that's it. My boss HAS nothing to get! The IRS will be first in line as he did some residual paychecks and has no $ to pay the PR taxes on it. They're very quick acting. He owes everyone and has nothing. When I went and saw my mom this week, she said I'm the only one that cares about her, that breaks my heart. I told her Julie sends her cards every couple of weeks, but the truth is, my siblings could make more of an effort...perhaps they don't think it matters since her memory is so bad...but she knows I visit her, so I do think overall it sinks in somewhat. It hurts me to see her alone like that. At least she is getting more familiar with the place and has a couple of friends there, even if she can't remember their names. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Oh Mary, Anne and Fae being a carer for our loved ones was such a privilege but also such an incredibly difficult thing. On. November 7th it will be two years since Pete had the stroke and then it was a downward path all the way. I'm trying to avoid the thought of this anniversary but I can't. I know we all did our very very best when the time came. Mary, I hear you still thinking that you should have been perfect. You wise advice given to others needs to be applied to yourself. I don't need to tell you this. You know it. Love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 I have been fairly quiet for a time, not really having too much to add to anyone's discussions. As I sit here tonight, my heart hurts and I don't know who else to talk to about it. Perhaps some of you can understand. I am truly glad for each of you whose spouses expressed their love and gratitude for the many aspects of caregiving that were given during their illnesses. In a way, I find myself envious. Over the years, Ron made a few statements to others such as "I don't know what I would do without her", but two weeks before his death(I would like to think it was his illness talking), he said to me, "You don't take very good care of me". I was taken aback & all I could reply was "I'm sorry. When you're back home, I'll try harder". I sit and think of all his years of illness. For the last 28 of our 41 years, I made all the appointments, ordered the meds,kept track of every dosage change, made sure no medications conflicted with others, kept the pill case filled, & reminded him to take the meds & insulin. For the last 13 years, three times weekly I changed the bandage on his foot. After a partial amputaion in 2000, it was necessary for him to keep padding on the affected area so as to not get a hole in the foot. For two years, I wiped his rear because of surgery on his right hand. And finally for the last six months, I took him approx. 8 times a week to appts. & hospitalizations, changed wound & surgery bandages, set up & monitored his tube feedings, crushed meds for the tube, wiped his rear, changed his catheter bag, bathed him, & did everything humanly possible to keep him comfortable. I DID EACH OF THESE THINGS WITH LOVE AND COMPASSION, NEVER ONCE COMPLAINING. When he said I didn't take good care of him, it cut me like a knife. What else could I have done? In his eyes, something was missing. I don't know what it was and I will never know. I only know I did the best I could for the person I loved most. I am not angry, just deeply hurt. Perhaps it is selfish of me to feel this way. After all, I'm not the one who relinquished my life at the end. In some strange way, I feel I did that long ago. I sometimes wonder if his love had died and he just never bothered to tell me. Thank you for listening. Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Good morning, Karen, I am up early but thinking seriously of going back to bed. I just wanted to respond to your post. I feel your pain...those statements stick in our brains. And I could list several rational reasons why you should not take what your husband said about your caregiving being inadequate seriously. However, I know none of those rational statements help much in spite of their truth. Bill, in the last two years, was not very vocal about my taking care of him...and that from a man who thanked me, before he was sick, many times a day for even the tiniest things I did for him. He was, due to Alzheimer's, not very cognizant of what I was doing. Occasionally he would have a lucid moment when I saw the real Bill and oh, how I treasure those memories. I remember him making me a cup of tea..something he once did many times a day...but which he had not done for weeks or months. I will treasure that and hang on to it. I do believe when people are preparing to die, they often say things they would never say or feel under normal conditions...they might be afraid or not in their right minds...I remember Bill saying to me once "Why are you so mean to me?" when I was trying to help him get clean pajamas on and being ever so gentle and loving. I would have expected that at moments when i was impatient but not when I was truly present and loving. I had to dismiss it but as you can see, I do remember it. I have no answers except to say that what you described to me about your caregiving was amazing, dedicated, loving, tedious, exhausting and more. I can't think of what more you could have done and I hope someday you can let go of his statement emotionally even if you remember the fact that he said it. For me, healing is putting things in perspective and trusting myself that I did the best I could and knowing that is what matters. I hope your sleep improves. Most of us had sleep issues in the first year or two...normally I sleep well now but occasionally I am up at all hours. I wish you peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Hi Karen, I woke up and saw your post so I wanted to let you know that I am hearing you. I am so sorry that you are feeling so hurt by the words Ron said to you. I can tell you that my Jim's comments to me were not always full of love. I really think that it is the illness talking. One time Jim said to me when I was helping him with his bath, "Why are you so mean to me? I don't need a bath. I'm not dirty." He was right. He didn't. I thought it would refresh him and make him feel good. He found it a real bother and sometimes he even refused. It is not easy caring for anyone. All the wonderful things you did for Ron says enough about your love for him and I think he knew that. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 When I went and saw my mom this week, she said I'm the only one that cares about her, that breaks my heart. I told her Julie sends her cards every couple of weeks, but the truth is, my siblings could make more of an effort...perhaps they don't think it matters since her memory is so bad...but she knows I visit her, so I do think overall it sinks in somewhat. It hurts me to see her alone like that. At least she is getting more familiar with the place and has a couple of friends there, even if she can't remember their names. I know it is difficult to see others not step up to the plate with your Mom. Bill's daughters were not there for him at all when he was sick in spite of my urging them to be more present, call, send cards, etc. I was quite angry as I saw how much it hurt him after a lifetime of him going way beyond the call of duty for them. But I had to let go of that...they have to live with it and they missed a golden opportunity to love and cherish him. I found it hard to believe that he was their father because they were as self centered as he was other centered. Your mom knows you come to see her and that is such a lovely gift. I guess in our old age, each of us will see loneliness...perhaps our time is coming and I guess I am counting on it being ok. I am glad she has a couple of friends there now...and who needs names...just recognizing a warm smiling face is more than enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Karen, you are right, it was his illness talking. George chided me for not being at the hospital after having told me not to and not letting me know he went there in the first place! (I was stuck w/o a car and had to wait for my sister to give me a ride.) He said, "I would have walked on broken glass clear around the world to see you!" I just replied (as you did), "I know you would, George." I was acknowledging how he felt and not defending myself, I knew it was his illness talking. Normally he would never say anything unkind to me, ever. Mary, I don't blame my siblings, we always had this unwritten rule (because of how my mom had been so abusive to us) that we would be supportive of one another's decisions in how to handle things with her. I just feel bad for her is all. She doesn't remember how she treated us. She just knows they aren't there. I took care of my MIL for nearly three years when she was bedridden with cancer. In all that time I don't remember her saying anything unkind to any of us, not even dad, not even when he deserved it. I guess we were lucky. My mom said my dad was cantankerous when he had his heart trouble at the end, but I never saw it, I saw him sticking up for her even at the very end when she was unlovely. I know when George was in the hospital that last weekend, he'd gotten the news that he was not likely to make it, that his heart was severely damaged, so he was processing all of that and I hadn't been told yet. It makes sense to me...not only are they uncomfortable or in pain, but they have so much to face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 One of my older sisters was the main caregiver for our Mom and Dad when they were in their final illnesses. She did not work, and just moved in with them. I worked, and helped out at night. My Mom was so sweet and always so grateful for what we did for her. My Dad was a little different, a little more demanding, but still we were happy to be there for both of them. I never had that chance with Mike, I never saw him again after he left my hospital room in Fayetteville on January 10, 2010 after my knee surgery. One kiss, a laugh as he walked out the door, and that is my final memory of him, other than a couple of phone conversations. He died alone, early in the morning of January 13, they tell me it was over in an instant. I hope they are right. I find myself dwelling, not on the care (or lack of) that I was able to do for him, but on the fact that there was no goodbye. I hate that he died alone, with only our dogs around him, although knowing Mike, he probably was happy to go that way.Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 QMary, I am so sorry you did not get to say good bye to Mike. I have been aware of this but when it comes up here, I just feel so bad for you. I am glad that your last memory of him is a kiss and a laugh as he went out the door. I totally understand how you would dwell on this from time to time and probably a lot early on. And yes, the thought that he died alone...Imy heart reaches out to your heart. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 QMary, I'm sorry you didn't get to be there when he died, that is something I will always wish I could have had too but it was out of my hands, just like it was out of yours. But they knew how we felt about them, maybe it made it less stressful for them somehow so they could deal with their passing on w/o worrying about us? Maybe I'm grasping at straws trying to find something good about how it went. At least Mike had the dog, they are amazing comforts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Dearest HRH Mary, I think Mike made a beautiful exit, with a kiss and a smile just for you, his favorite audience. I know how much you wish you could have been with him, but you two are thespians. He made a lovely exit from his only audience who mattered. How wonderful. I don't know it you have thought of it this way, but wanted to give you a smile and that image of your Mike. I know you were with him, smiling at him with your eyes and heart, every time he needed your smile. And your love was with him every moment, so you were there. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 11, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2013 I am still diddling around with my eyes. Spent an hour with the optometrist (glass fitter) today and we decided that 1. my eyes have most likely changed since my last appt. 2. the progressive lenses may not work for me after 26 years in lined bifocals. 3. the reading space on the progressives might be too small for me to adjust to. 4. with the new lenses INside my eyes and the new Rx glasses and the progressives I am asking a lot of my eyes. So I will see my MD again near Thanksgiving when I am sure all the healing is done and no more changes expected and make sure the Rx is still current. Then return to the optometrist, who is an expert with glasses..34 years of it and probably get new lenses with a larger reading space and probably not progressives. Nothing is simple. Nothing. It will all come around in time and the only negative is limited reading from books. The rest all works. I got a pair of readers today with a larger magnification in the meantime...they help a lot. Bottom line: I can SEE and do computer work and drive and watch TV and see people's faces with ease. I WILL read books with ease eventually. I am grateful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 11, 2013 Report Share Posted October 11, 2013 Dear Bill's Mary, I think this all sounds like good news with more information and more understanding. Maybe by the end of the year, your eyes will be back to optimum operation, and you will have new glasses that work better, and your eyes will be healed. I am glad you have readers to take part of the strain of reading away, and now you can read a few of those books in that stack. I got overtired yesterday, so am sort of staying inactive today, napping on the couch, and SSK is caring for me and taking her walks. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2013 Do take care of yourself. You are healing in so many ways....maybe a few more inactive days Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 12, 2013 Report Share Posted October 12, 2013 Keep listening to your body, fae, keep resting. Mary I do hope your eyes settle into what they will be so you can get glasses that will work for you. I wish so much that mine had turned out better because it'll be a long time I'm stuck with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2013 Eyes seem to be settling in and I can see that in time vision will be good again...it IS happening. I am pretty clear that I need a new Rx and glasses because they have changed in the past few weeks but I believe my eyes are fine. Thanks to all of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted November 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2013 I received this piece in an email today and found it very helpful. I am passing it on for Queen Mary and anyone else who is having eye situations or who spends a lot of time in front of a monitor. http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/12/health/upwave-computer-eyes/index.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 12, 2013 Report Share Posted November 12, 2013 Thank you, Mary. I have found that to be true. I used to go clean the bathroom, do the dishes, take out the garbage, anything to get a break for my eyes, back AND my brain! It helps! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted November 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2013 I learned that as we age our eyes need to be exercised more often as it takes longer for them to switch the focus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted November 13, 2013 Report Share Posted November 13, 2013 Thank you Mary for the link, I know that I do not rest my eyes enough. I will try to work harder at that. My surgery for right eye is scheduled for 9:15 Monday morning. I am feeling pretty calm about it. My son in law, who is disabled and unable to work, will be taking me. He has a little medical background, and they will be giving him the information after the surgery, as they said I will be sleepy. I am excited about perhaps being able to see at a distance, I have never had that pleasure without glasses. The clinic that I go to for my eyes, also has an eyeglasses section, and they accept medicare also, so all my eye stuff will be in one place. The Cataract nurse called me yesterday to give me my time, and we talked a bit about the does and donts. Also she told me that about 4 to 6 weeks after my last surgery in Dec., they will schedule me to come in, check out where my eyes are at that point, and get me fitted for the glasses. I am actually getting pretty excited. Hope it works out that I am able to drive at night pretty easily again. I am pretty sure reading and computer is going to be a problem from next Monday until I do get the glasses sometime in January, and I kind of hate that, but will manage. On the kindle I will just put the font at the very largest!!! Can do that on computer some also. lol Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted November 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2013 QMary, it sounds like you will be on the same schedule I was on. I am so glad you are feeling calm about it. It is a treat to see at a distance and even drive without glasses. Since my license says "needs glasses" I will use them until I retest at the DOT. I am glad for you that this day has arrived and I will hold you in my prayers and thoughts on Monday morning. You might be surprised at how awake you feel almost immediately afterward (depending on the anesthetic they use, of course.) I was wide awake within minutes. I am so glad your SIL will be with you. Peace to your heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 Friends, I am feeling even more positive about the surgery on my eyes. My friend Kathryn in Arizona had the second cataract surgery on Monday, and is doing just super. She said it is amazing what she can see, and her eye doctor told her he thinks she will only need reading glass, the kind you can buy at Wal-Mart or Walgreens! He told her what strength to get. Of course, I realize everyone's eyes are different, and that I have the little bit added complication of glaucoma, which may or may not impact exactly where my vision will be after all the cataract surgeries. However, feeling very positive and excited to be able to see better soon.!! Kathryn did tell me, Mary, that she was much more tired after this second eye. However, her first eye was only two weeks ago, so that might be a cumulative effect perhaps. Her husband is in the early stages of dementia or Alzheimers. She has not driven for several years due to her eyes. It will become more and more necessary for her to drive, so it is so wonderful that her surgeries have been so successful. Now she says she will need some driving time to get used to doing that again. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 HRHQMary and Bill's Mary, I don't know if I will ever face eye surgery, but if I do, I am feeling wonderfully blessed to have been a witness to the courage, optimism, processing, and process you are both sharing here with us all. Both of you have given me a lot of hope and relief to face the possibility. No one in my family has had these surgeries other than Estelle, and she came through it as you two are doing: with grace and liveliness, life and loving kindness for herself and those around her. I thank you both for the wonderful success stories you are sharing here, and I am mindful of how much your paths, so generously shared here, will assist others who might travel this path in the future, or know and support someone else who is on that path of eye surgery and healing. Thank you. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 16, 2013 Report Share Posted November 16, 2013 HRH QMary, Monday, that is great! I will be praying for you and hope you will see great after they've had time to settle down. I'm excited for you! And that's great news for your friend, so good it turned out well for her! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 16, 2013 Report Share Posted November 16, 2013 Queeniemary, you are and will be in my prayers on Monday. Remember, those around this fire are with you and we hold you in our hearts. Touch in when you are able to let us know how things went. God's speed. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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