Eyes - Mary's, Queen Mary's, Kay's And Anyone Else Here...

[mfh]

Early Sunday morning...as fog fills our valley

Borrowing fae's term...I am 'nattering' here:

It is very clear to me today, as I look through the morning fog that hangs in our valley on these autumn mornings, that since my last eye doctor appointment (two weeks ago today) I have not been listening to my own soul. I have been noisy inside (and outside as a result). I came home two weeks ago today and basically slept for 10 days and diddled time away when awake...it seemed that the entire 5 month+ eye-siege caught up with me and I found that I left myself behind somewhere...lost my center...again....got noisy inside and out. It is an ongoing thing I deal with i.e. maintaining my silent, quiet, calm centered self....since Bill got sick...that is 8 years now. I do not like the noisy me. She is an escape artist, escaping feelings, life, people and more. I have been distracted for these past 5 months. Sitting and chatting quietly with my friend yesterday was quieting for both of us. We shared pain and talked of the gift of Grace and choices and life, her cancer/trt and my grief. We laughed a lot especially when we got lost even with a GPS guiding us...Lola Garmin (my GPS) was also lost. She said to me about a year ago a couple of days after a good friend of hers died, "Mary, I realized this morning when I was in such deep pain about losing Jan (her friend) that what I feel today is just a tiny drop compared to what you feel every single day." What a gift that was to me...

So I took what yesterday day birthed and today, in the early hours of daybreak, I got quiet and saw how off track I've been...again. When I get centered; I see, feel, live and love that centered being...I talk less and listen more...see more and feel more. It feels so good when I find my core again. I breathe with relief that "I" am still here. Sitting up since dawn watching the fog lift ever so quietly, so silently- has quieted my soul. I love fog's silent presence. I always feel as if I am coming home when I get quiet...home to me. Especially meaningful because Bill and I together were home and losing him meant losing home. This "struggle" started when I was caregiving Bill and lost me. It takes very little for me to lose myself since then and the eye deal was/is far from little.

Since Bill died I find my way back, then get lost, then find me again..like a rubber ball bouncing around and then quietly landing. My eyes have taken center stage since May (just about the time I quit running around) and my focus (no pun..) has been on my fear of losing my vision and surviving those months. My eyes are still not where I hope they will be-I realized yesterday that I am adjusting to two sets of new lenses simultaneously and that my eyes are still changing in addition.

But my quiet self is surfacing again..finally...how grateful I am and as I look out to my yard...I see most of the fog outside has lifted also. I plan a quiet day...of solitude...just being with me...doing a bit of cooking and listening to my own soul. Welcome home, Mary, I say to myself. Whew!

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

How beautiful and insightful is your nattering.

I am nodding and smiling, through some gentle tears, as you relate about losing your "home" and being "homeless" and only sometimes, occasionally, finding your way back "home' again.

I think we all learn along this journey how those other stressors can pull us out of any semblance of centeredness we may have been finding as we begin to find new balance. We had become inured to the sense of homelessness when our Beloved became ill, and our lives were suddenly thrown out of balance -- and out of kilter, out of sense, and out of our long-cherished and shared "home."

Your eyes have been a huge stressor for you, and at least doubled by the fear of losing sight, which is yet another big loss. These losses, and fear of losses, just stack up and eventually, we lose our balance, and any small sense of "being home" we might have been slowly gathering around us from friends, family, and the familiar.

How I loved your sense of your presence in and shifting with the fog. But you are not only finding your way back, your awareness of yourself is returning as you move through the necessary days of healing and come to know yourself and to be able to sit with yourself without the stress and fear of loss of sight. How could you not feel stressed?

Dear Mary, it is your quiet, centered self that I have come to appreciate so very much while I am on my journey here. You have always been an inspiring example of lovingkindness and compassion, of gratitude and grace. Thank you.

I am in a funny place right now, getting ready for this winter of no ice towers to build and climb, not needing to fly to Fairbanks to help winterize the house, and to pack up lots of frozen steaks and salmon to fly to Montana. Not needing to worry about the jeep or snow machine in AK. Not needing to do so many things which make my life feel out of synch. Last year, my life was entirely out of synch at this time, and I do not recall much of it. I know I was learning to walk again.

I want to rejoice with you in your finding your center again, and yet, all of what you are sharing is also reminding me of how much we have lost, and how much we are challenged to change. I know we are always challenged to change, but usually, the challenges are smaller, and shared. Now the challenges seem huge, gigantic, overwhelming, and solo.

So, the fact that you are coming back to your awareness and center is magnificent! This has been a huge solo shift for you, and a mighty challenge to travel and have surgery, come home, and care for yourself, all of it basically alone. I often feel that I am challenged to learn how to live alone and cope with life on solo as a way to find my own new center, and all that you have shared relates very closely to that sense of new ways of being. We change. We shift. We accept. We grow. We find some peace. We go on. Thank you for that insightful and open bit of nattering. *<twinkles>*

Welcome home, dear Mary, and I celebrate your center of peace with you. I also celebrate your new glasses for your eyes, and your determination to endure WW.

More shifts and changes, but these sound easier to endure.

Blessings and Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Today, I listen. Our journeys are really about ebb and tide.

[mfh]

Yes, fae, it is all about changes and holding our center as we walk our journeys...and even the center changes some...making it illusive at moments. Who am I now? It is so easy to get pulled into a ditch or take the wrong road at the fork ahead of us, or step in a pothole that seems to swallow us up for a bit. My red flags include noise, talking too much, a certain harshness, walking fast, advising instead of just listening and being (I hate that one)...I want to say I see clear sailing ahead but we all know life is a bumpy road so my hope is really to keep coming back to center over and over and over and over each time hopefully staying longer. Until Bill got sick I felt less alone on this road we call life...it was all easier as we called each other on it when we got off center. Gently but still called each other. I knew when he put his hand gently on my forearm or shoulder or cheek and had "that look" in his eyes (can't describe it) that he was about to rermind me that I was off center and he knew the same about me. Now I have to wait until my red flags are blowing furiously in tornado like winds before I realize how off I am. If it were not for my sitting each day, I would be much worse off but even with the sitting I lose my way...

When I do not write poems (or what I call poems) and see that I have not done so for a while...another red flag. So here is today's:

A silent Sunday morning

Fog slowly dissipating in our valley

revealing sunny blue autumn sky.

In the distance

church bells ring calling people to worship

as I find my worship here in my meditation room.

My eyes fall upon a bookcase

sorely in need of sorting and organizing.

"What a collage of my life its contents,"

I said to myself, "titles and authors all."

Shel Silverstein's Missing Piece, Marilyn Ferguson's

Aquarian Conspiracy, Love and Will by Rollo May,

The Tao of Pooh, Bach's Illusions, How to Paint, Chopra,

Blaze of Recognition by Merton, The Hobbit, Wilderness,

Carl G. Jung, Mandalas, Wisconsin Rivers, Emotional Freedom,

Sandford's Invisible Partners, Maya Angelou, Bearcloud

and so many more teachers sitting silently on shelves waiting to

be put in their proper places with like minded authors.

Each author, each title, represents a thread of my life.

Yet all the books in my entire library cannot capture this life

I have led, the pain I have lived, the joy that was mine.

"Just a glimpse into who i am," I said to myself.

"Just a tiny glimpse on a quiet Sunday morning."

9-29-13mfh

[mfh]

Yes, Anne, ebb and tide is so accurate...

I am anxious to hear what you learn when you call your MD tomorrow. I am sorry things are so up and down (ebb and tide) with your heart rate and blood pressure. I am here!

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

For Monday, Anne, I am sending up prayers and flinging *<fairy dust>* your way.

Namaste

fae

[kayc]

I hope Anne will give us a report tomorrow. Tomorrow I go back to work after being off 1 1/2 weeks, it will be hard, a lot of mail to go through, catching up, bills to post, bank reconciliations to do, and fixing whatever I find that's messed up. It is also my day to see my mom...I'm afraid I won't feel up to it after a hectic day, but I want and need to see her too. I would like to be in the community choir but it starts tomorrow evening and conflicts with my commitment to see my mom so I guess I'll have to pass this time...they will have seven practices for Thanksgiving. Perhaps if they do a Christmas one...

Tonight our choir is singing, so although I usually don't go out at night when I have to work the next morning, I will be needed for that.

Mary,

I love how you recant the books you've read...I too feel that way, certain books bring back a certain period in my life, I cannot part with them, they are dear to me.

It is good to be back here, it felt very unsettling when we couldn't log in. Like being forced away from an old friend.

My son will have to come back next weekend, which will be hard for him as he'll have schoolwork and studies, but he needs another part for his transmission and another part for my old plumbing before he can finish what he set out to do. Which will mean more puppy sitting for me. This new pup is a challenge!

[mfh]

If Anne does not post a report tomorrow, I will give her a call. She usually calls after these appointments. I imagine going back to work tomorrow, knowing the pile will be deep and you have one day to attack it. I hope you put yourself first and the job second and just take care of your needs first. You can not possibly do all that must be done. I am sorry you will miss the Thanksgiving choir rehearsals and i admire your loyalty to your mom.

The books in that book case did not get sorted when the painters were here. They were in the garage and I forgot about them so I stuck them in this bookcase a while back and today I was trying to see if I could read the spines from where I was sitting. Most I could and that led me to what i wrote. Marilyn Ferguson goes all the way back to the early 70s..The Aquarian Conspirac...there is a diverse set of books on those shelves. One of too many book cases full, i fear.

Yes, Kay it is good to have the forums up and running again...a very special place indeed thanks to Marty and to each of the members. I know we are all grateful that she was able and willing to switch it over.

Just how old is the puppy. I think I have one more puppy in me. Bentley should live at least 3 more years (he will be 9 on Friday). I pray for 5-7 and I know that is possible and he is in great health. That would make me 80 if he lives 7 years and knowing me, I would not get another dog immediately...my pain would have to heal a lot first. So we shall see. I can't live that far down the road when today feels big enough I sort of envy you having a puppy around...such a bundle of life.

Mary

[feralfae]

Kay,

If you put off seeing your Mom for a day, so you could go to choir and have an enjoyable anodyne to your office day, would she know?

Would the nursing home staff mind if you came the next day? Or is it a distance and gas issue, maybe?

I just wonder if you could do that, and thus do something loving for You.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Mary,

Don't envy me having a puppy around, I can't tell you how many poop piles (and pee) I cleaned up this weekend, plus he terrorized my cats, they still aren't back to normal and he'll probably be here again this weekend! Not sure how much more of this I can handle. Arlie enjoyed having him around though. His name is Bruno and as soon as my DIL takes a decent picture of him, I want to post it. He's a gorgeous dog, his fur is a reddish brown, reminds me of cinnamon. I don't like his name, he doesn't seem like a Bruno. But it's a german name and they can be stubborn (I can say that as I have some german in me) so maybe he's aptly named. He needs a LOT of work! He is very energetic and willful, the vet says he's about 1 to 1 1/2 years, so they're settling on 4th of July for his birthday. His teeth look to me like he's about a year.

fae,

My mom is 120 mile round trip for me so I see her after work and as I only worked yesterday, that's why I saw her then, it costs too much to drive back unnecessarily. The next day I work will be two weeks from yesterday. And then a week later and it's over. Yesterday was my worst working day of my career, truly horrible. My boss still won't tell me when he'll pay me, just emails me stuff to do or questions. AND he bounced the check to Regence which means I'll be hit with about $1,000.00 worth of medical bills for September and am left without insurance. Yesterday was not a good day. I came home after seeing mom (and that in itself was hard enough) and walked Arlie and had a glass of wine to unwind. I still feel what was done to me yesterday.

[feralfae]

Oh, Kay, I am so sorry that you are going through any of this.

The puppy is enough for anyone to handle at one time

I did think that perhaps you were visiting your mom because it was closer to do so after work. Very wise and frugal of you. I hate what you are going through at work, though. That boss of yours may be struggling himself, but he is certainly not being very compassionate to his employees, and I bet His bills are all paid.

I am glad you had a glass of wine.

I would write more to you, and send more love, but I am prepping for a long day of discussions and interviews, and also need to make a couple of calls before I turn to the day at the office. And I need to write out a sketchy agenda for the day.

I am sending love and hugs to you. I hope you can take this day for yourself. It is hard to transition from on-call mom, business person, daughter, and all you are to being caregiver for Yourself but I hope you can do that for a few days, at least until the pup returns. Maybe you need to tell the children that you need a break? We are all just too, too giving for our own good sometimes, I think.

Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Mary,

Don't envy me having a puppy around, I can't tell you how many poop piles (and pee) I cleaned up this weekend, plus he terrorized my cats, they still aren't back to normal and he'll probably be here again this weekend! Not sure how much more of this I can handle.

Oh, Kay, it sounds like they are not working with house breaking him. I am so sorry...i had no idea. I just love puppies...the cute part i.e.

I will be so glad to see you never have to have contact with that boss again. It appears that you have 3-4 more days and it is a done deal. He needs to be reported to the powers that be. I wonder how he sleeps at night.

Do you have a crate for the pup..i.e. did they bring the crate?

I pray for better days ahead for you.

Mary

[enna]

Wow! I just opened this thread and found a few things I want to address. First of all thank you for your continued interest in my heart health. My visit with the doctor ended with tweaking my medicine which I thought I posted in another thread. My cardiac doctor said that we will/should talk about pacemakers. He wants to know my feeling and why I am so against having any foreign device put into my body!! This is a major fear and a personal decision that I shall have to think about and talk about. . .

My dear Kay, what a beautiful person you are. I am Irish and my temper would not hold if I had to deal with a character such as your boss!

I know that you have to do this because it is your job. Maybe there is a reason why you are at this job - I do believe things happen for reasons that are not always understood by us.

How are you coping with your visits with your Mom? You know, that there are a few of us here who know about ALZ and we are here to listen to any of your concerns. Are you still reading Coach Broyles handbook? His ideas got me through many years with my Jim. Another person I think you would find interesting is Teepa Snow - she deals with ALZ in such a beautiful, beautiful way. I loved her concept of thinking of the stages of ALZ as gems and I think you and your sisters would like her writings. I will find her diagram and send it to you or post it here.

We have so many things to be grateful for - our two Marys' eye healings, Fae's PT successes, Harry's NET Cancer goals beginning to be accomplished, Jan's stepping back into her grief journey, and Marty's switch over (at least for the time being) in keeping our forum open. . . . .

Stay well and happy everyone. Anne

[mfh]

Kay, another resource is http://www.alzheimersreadingroom.com/

It is loaded with information.

[kayc]

Yes I read the book entirely and still have it. I'm doing okay, it's just hard/emotional, you all know.

I was planning to take the day for myself but alas it is not to be. A friend and I went to breakfast, I came home and started a fire, and then the car repair called and said to come get it, so here I am, preparing to drive the 120 miles to take the rental back and pick up my car...wish they would have called yesterday and saved me an extra trip! And I just filled up in gas, thinking I'd have it until Fri, so I'll lose that.

I'll look up the resource, Mary, thank you!

I don't see much purpose in my boss other than to make me appreciate life after him.

[enna]

Yes, Kay, a few of us know how very hard it is to care for an ALZ spouse. I'm sending you a ppt since we cannot show ppt on the site but I think you and your sisters would really find this link interesting and in some cases helpful as you see your Mother go through the 'gems' of ALZ.

[MartyT]

Here is a nice summary of the talk last week featuring Teepa Snow: Leeza Gibbons & Teepa Snow on Dementia, Alzheimer's & Caring for the Caregiver ♥

[kayc]

From what I am learning, I may get stiffed several thousand dollars from my boss...he owes me three months. I've had experience dealing with BOLI and have never seen them actually get anyone their pay. Quite the opposite! And as they say, you can't get blood out of a turnip. I am pretty sick about it, plus the fact that he just bounced the check for Sept. medical insurance and I will get stuck paying $1,000 in bills I wasn't planning on. I think a hot sauna may be coming for him in his next life!

Anne, thank you, I got your email last night and read the link you sent me.

How are YOU doing?

[mfh]

Kay, this is illegal and there must be a way for you to get what he owes you. And the same for your insurance and bills. Small claims court? Report him to the powers that be. You have nothing to lose now and everything to gain...it is a large amount of money. I am just venting here because it really gets my goat that he will get away with this...warm sauna or not on the other side. Right now you need and have a right to that money...OK I am done but have you thought about going after this money? It could be your next job for a while...

How many more days do you have?

[mfh]

Kay, it just dawned on me again, how heavy your load is....I went to retrieve this article I have saved about PTSD and caregiving. I KNOW I was and to some degree still am dealing with this and I thought you might like this article...BUT after venting about your boss, I realized that probably the last thing you can deal with right now, given your caregiving role and exhaustion from so many things, is to go after him. So I apologize. How thoughtless of me.

Here is the piece: I wish I had known more about caregiving, caregiving PTSD, and Alz when I was taking care of Bill. I would have been a better caregiver, a more peaceful and present person, and I would not have struggled (still am to some degree) with guilt and probably not as exhausted and vulnerable...I will never know. I chat with a neighbor whose husband has Alz and she is doing things so wisely...in part because he is a vet and has access to services but mostly because she has been educating herself and I must admit, learning from my mistakes and experience.

http://alzjourney.com/2013/09/12/caregiver-ptsd/

[enna]

Kay, I am so sorry that you are having this trouble with your boss in not getting your pay. You certainly are on the top of my prayer list.

Marty, thank you for posting the summary of the Interview with Leeza Gibbons and Teepa Snow. I just really like Teepa Snow and think that she has much to offer and explains the role of the caregiver so clearly.

Mary, I don't think there is one of us who does not think that we could have been a better caregiver. It is so easy to look back and have that moment when everything looks so clear but when we are in it things are not clear at all. I believe we do the best we can at the moment with the knowledge we have about our loved ones condition.

[feralfae]

Anne, thank you for your comments to Mary about caregiving.

Doug told me that the only thing that mattered was that I had kept on loving him no matter what. After a while, that was all we had left between us, when he was so weak and not able to even get out of bed. But we still had that wonderful sparkle and shine, that warming and strengthening, that certainty that is hope, transmuted into Faith by our Love. We had that. Nothing else really matters.

I don't think much else much matters, because we were there, loving enough to last us even unto today, Now. I think that is all Doug or any of our Beloveds cared about or care about: that the Love endured. I think that is sufficient. All else is just the humankind stuff. And we are more than that.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Anne said: Mary, I don't think there is one of us who does not think that we could have been a better caregiver. It is so easy to look back and have that moment when everything looks so clear but when we are in it things are not clear at all. I believe we do the best we can at the moment with the knowledge we have about our loved ones condition.

Anne, my head knew/knows that and I do much much better with all of it but my heart still wrestles with all of it. I just could not believe I was losing him so fast even though it was a 5 years journey.

[enna]

Well, Mary and Fae, for some reason what the two of you said brought tears to my eyes. It has been awhile since I reflected on the journey during the last years of my Jim's life. I felt so ill prepared when it came time to care for him. I loved him so much that I didn't think I could possibly do for him what had to be done. But I did. There were always those moments when you wondered if you were answering his needs - did I cut his food small enough, was the shower water warm enough, is he warm enough, does he know how much I love him? I remember getting him ready for bed and staying with him until he was asleep and then going out into the livingroom and just breaking down and sobbing. That feeling of losing him settled in in the quiet hours of the night. I did not know the term anticipatory grief.

We who care for a loved one do so with all the love we have at that time. I know my Jim was aware of my love for him. Many of us had a long journey with caring for our spouses. I am satisfied that I did the best I could but I also have those thoughts that creep in every now and then - did you?

[mfh]

Oh, Anne...many evenings I sat and sobbed after I helped Bill get to bed and to sleep. I cry just typing this as I remember his pain and my own. It was all a nightmare that ended with another nightmare we call death and then another one we call grief...and to some degree it is ongoing and I know it is mine forever...and sometimes I get pulled under with it but over all, I am ok...just lonely for him...so lonely for him. I still catch myself sometimes forgetting he is gone (and yet not gone). We did our best Ann and fae...we did our very best...and seeing Bill the night he died...reaching out to me as he did...told me he was ok and free of agony. My agony, however, is forever even though tempered by acceptance and gratitude and lessons learned and to be learned.

Mary