Wishing Our Loved One Was Here...

[ADH]

I find myself in the stage of wishing my husband was here. Is this normal? Someone told me it was childlike....like I was being inmature. H has been gone six months, and I find with the change of this season for the first time, I do wish he was here. I do spend some time thinking about what things would be like today if I could call out to him, cook with him, go to the gym, the grocery store or just sit here and talk to him.

Am I being a child to have these thoughts, am I torturing myself or is this normal?

As always, thank you....

[mfh]

It is totally normal to wish your husband was here. At six months you are probably just waking up from the loss, the fog is lifting and you experience loss as it is. I will be wishing my husband was here for as long as I live. All you are feeling is normal. People in our society do not understand grief and many just want to run from it and have you run from it so you don't hurt anymore or so they are less uncomfortable. Do read more of the articles posted here about grief and trust them.

[enna]

Dear Audra,

YES, it is normal for you to have the feelings you are having. No, you are NOT torturing yourself. You are NOT immature. You are grieving.

Mary is so right ~ this is early in your grief ~ and I too will talk to my Jim until I see him again.

Anne

[kayc]

It has been nine years since I lost my husband and I STILL wish he was here! It's not only "normal" but I hope you don't let people bully you into think what's okay, what's not okay, when they haven't a clue! People and their "advice"! Grrr! It upsets me some of the stupid things they say when most of them have NOT been through it! Everyone has an opinion and they're worth what they paid for them. Grr again! I feel very protective of you and it upsets me to see someone try to make you feel as if you're handling your grief wrong (you're not) because most of us experienced that kind of treatment from "well meaning" people. I hope you can let it go off you like water off a duck's back. (Imagine the water rolling off, even as they're speaking).

I will always talk to my George, think about him, and miss him, and it's nobody else's business! They still have their spouse, what do they know? And even if they don't, all of our relationships are different, our grief is different, and so will our handling be different.

[bluelady]

Audra,

I have been talking to Jim ever since he left me, although it is only a month today. Sometimes, I hear a thought in my head and I think maybe it came from him. He used to tease me about not cleaning the lint out of the dryer filter. Yesterday, as I was removing the dried clothes, I took the filter out and cleaned it and this little voice inside me said "I knew you could do it". I was startled at first, but believed this was something Jim would have said to me. It was very comforting for me. I was immediately hopeful that part of him was still by my side, helping me to cope with his absence and assuring me that I was not alone. I doubt I will ever stop talking to him, although he doesn't answer me, it doesn't seem to matter. I was hoping I wasn't going crazy, so it is nice to know that others talk to their loved ones, as well. Again, thank all of you for truthfully sharing your experiences, as this is really helping me to understand that the feelings I am experiencing are natural and normal and I am not turning into some freak show.

[shalady]

I also talk to my husband all the time. It makes me feel good. The other day I was grocery shopping. I picked up cream cheese and turned the container over to check the expiration date. It was the date of our wedding anniversary. At first I was so sad. Then I thought he must be sending me a sign. I miss him every day and wonder how I will get through this. Seems unbearable at times.

[ADH]

Thank you so much! I love to receive your encouragement. People are starting to say things that I find overwhelming. Things like "if you do not get a handle on this, you are not ever going to get past this" "Everyone has problems" "You have to get over this" "why are you camping in this terrible spot" I agree with KayC....Grrrrr!!!!!! The first comment suggests that I bet get over it or I risk losing my mind. It makes me think I am definitely on a time clock to sanity.....or not. You are right, Mary. Reading the grief material does validate that these feelings are normal and I am not going nuts or "turning into a freak show"....that made me laugh bluelady.

I do talk to Harvey and it is hard to be around people that are clueless. I am tired from grieving as well. I get tired of defending myself too. I was starting to cut people off and I decided to let a few people back in...it sounds like it was too soon to do so.

It seems like spending time around others that have lost their husbands and wives is the most healing thing to do. I feel like I have something to contribute and that I can relax and be myself and just be sad if I need to be sad. Otherwise, it is like being on stage and pretening that things are just fine. That is very draining as well.

Thank you, ladies!! You are all so wonderful and full of so much encouragement and good advice.

Oh...I also wanted to let you know that I asked Marty to change my display name to AH. I will still use Audra but the display name will change. Little Chester's photo will stay until I can take one of my own. Once I graduate, I will replace it with a graduation photo in honor of Harvey. Before he died, he made my promise him I would graduate this year no matter what. I will be honored to put those two long stem roses with a copy of my degree on his grave on 12-12. God willing!

Audra

[kayc]

Okay, we'll try to remember ADH is Audra. You will graduate in five weeks? That is great! Something to really celebrate, and I think he will be very proud of you.

[ADH]

Thank you, Kay. Harvey would be proud, but it feels so empty without him here. I still cannot believe he is gone and not here for this. I never imagined this when I started the program with his encouragement. I am sure he did not either. He was so sad that he was not going to be here for something he so encouraged me to do. I think he felt bad and I know I do.

I have to believe that our loved ones are here for these times. I have to believe that somehow they know.

[Tableforone]

I read this somewhere, and I so strongly believe it - If our love withstands and continues on after death, then it only proves that it does for the ones who have passed on. I talk to my husband every day. And I honestly don't care who thinks what about it. We do what we feel the need to do. Those who haven't endured this, have no idea what its like. I also believe that our loved ones rejoice with us and try to comfort us. I'm sure your Harvey will be beaming with pride and I truly hope you feel him with you on that day.

[LarrysGirl]

Like Kay, its 9 years this month, I WISH all the time, every holiday, every special event. My oldest son just got married, I look at the pictures and think how much he would love the girl that he married. The change of seasons makes me think of him when I look at the trees, walk the dog. Missing and wishing will never stop, Deborah

[kayc]

Deborah,

I also wished so much that George could have been around to see my son fall in love and watch their blossoming love and attend their wedding. It's hard, we esp. notice their absence at these times...and when my son graduated from college and was the commencement speaker, Summa cum Laude...George would have burst his buttons! Now they're having a baby and I wish more than anything that it could have a grandpa George.

[annew]

I wish he was here.....and now that I know the loss will never end, it seems most unbearable. I can see how I will never be ok again and that is hard to take.....I never knew it was like this.

[annew]

And I do talk to him too and sometimes it helps and sometimes it just makes it all hurt more and I think I am just talking to myself. I feel so alone and some work things have been very hard to cope with. When he was still here he was the closest friend I ever had and now there are still a few but I am so afraid of imposing too much.....how many times can you tell others you are mostly miserable all the time? They want to be happy and have fun and I am not able to do much of that. I feel a failure in being able to deal with this at all. I had no idea it would feel so hopeless

[MartyT]

My dear, what contributes to the feelings of isolation you describe is being with people who can't relate to your experience and what you're going through because it hasn't happened to them. That's nobody's fault ~ it's just the way it is. This is why it can be so helpful to be with others who are in mourning, too ~ such as the people you'll find here in this forum, or those you would meet in an in-person support group for surviving spouses. It also helps to meet with a grief counselor who can help you understand that what you're feeling is normal. In any event, I hope you'll do some reading here. See, for example, our Tools for Healing forum.

[annew]

Thank you, Marty. I am in a support group and do feel heard there and the bit of this forum that I have just learned about. The problem with me is that I do not want to grieve, I do not want to accept or allow all this pain. I am a born fighter and that has never been good for me....surrender is always after a big fight for control and trying to feel safe. I have literally had an out of body, NDE like expeirence of "the other side" and still I feel he has just abandoned me. I don't understand why he died. The medical ones could find no cause, he just quit breathing, lost consciousness and left. Yes, I know the line about their choice and their time but it changes nothing. I feel like I failed him and failed us and he just gave up on his life too....

[kayc]

Sometimes we can't work it all out in our mind, sometimes there are no answers, or answers we can't change. It's not surrender so much as realizing the difference between what we can and cannot change and accepting that...like the Serenity Prayer.

I wouldn't drop or avoid old friends, but maybe make some new ones that do understand, it'll all evolve to one of more balance for you. It's not a situation without hope, but one of change, and there's a difference. We do learn to live without their physical presence in the way they were here before, but we assimilate it into a new life for ourselves that includes learning and growing with all the changes. It's not something we asked for or welcome, but being as it's here, we learn to ask "What now?" and go from there. I know it takes so much time and effort to process it all, it can feel overwhelming, but it's not, we just get through each day, a day at a time. We talk to others that have been through it. We begin, little by little, to make a new existence for ourselves. And it's okay to talk to our beloved (I make sure I'm alone first ) and who knows but what maybe they hear us. There's so much we don't know about afterlife other than they continue to exist in some form or another as energy doesn't die it just changes...maybe they DO hear us!

[annew]

Thank you, Kay. It helps so much to just say it all and be heard. I really have wanted to talk to him out loud more but I am rarely alone. I can still do it though. I find I just keep repressing myself, avoiding. I do it to myself. With the work problems that have come up, many of those I would talk to are in the work situation so that's not possible.....and the situation is very important to me and taking a long time to sort out. I am not patient. Talking to Gary would have been so good but I have avoided that.....isolated myself most clearly. When he was still here I would come and go like that but now it feels weird to go around talking to myself/him but I have done some anyway this morning and it does feel better....more like he is not gone. I didn't think it would be so easy but he was/is so easy to talk to......I don't want him to be gone, it just doesn't seem possible......it never has seemed real and then something happens and it is new and I realize again he is gone....and there is change I so want to share.....There's even more I want to share here about how well I can hear him. You would think I would be more consoled.......thank you again for responding, it feels so wonderful to be heard. Much love and care to everyone. AnneW

[enna]

Dear annew,

I am so sorry for your loss. This grief stuff is really hard to swallow! An important thing for me during my early grief after losing my husband, Jim, was to talk to him. I kept telling him that I wanted him back. I kept telling him that this is too hard. Oh my, I was a mess for awhile.

Coming to this forum has allowed me to not be alone. People here know and understand grief. I found that it takes work ~ and I don't know if I'll ever be okay but I have come a long way in accepting this life I now live.

Be patient. Take loving care of yourself. Sharing our stories is cathartic.

Anne

[annew]

Thanks, so much, Anne. I can see I have isolated myself too much, trying not to impose on friends but I still need a place to talk more frequently than grief group twice a month. I am naturally a very private person and he was/is my major confidant but I can't keep it that way. I do SO want him back and I miss him so much. I just need to say that to others who won't run if I say it too much. The conversation today has been a huge help and I feel lighter, more peaceful, and less alone.

AnneW

[kayc]

And even if you're around other people, you can still talk to him inside your head. I do that all the time! If people could read what is going on inside of me, they'd probably haul me off as certifiable! That's okay, I know my George understands.

[Wifflesnook]

Dear AnneW you need to talk here. We understand as I think you can see. We can't expect people who haven't had our loss to understand. They just say sorry and move on with their busy lives. Our loss is with us all the time because our beloved one was our complete world. I only talk to people about my Pete who understand what I've lost. Trite remarks about moving on just incense me. Please keep coming here. Jan

[annew]

Thank you for responding, Jan. I think you are right. I think I have been abandoned by someone who has really been there for me but appears to be wanting to move on. She won't tell me what it happening openly and honestly, so I feel I am imposing... don't know the boundaries. I am still new to the support group here, so I have yet to make some new friends. We were isolated before he died and I am trying to work my way out of it now........it's very slow.....and confusing.....and I feel so scared and vulnerable I keep it to myself. I think I am really just learning to open up again and allow myself to reach out more....as you all know. Nothing is the same. And though I can still hear him in my heart, always encouraging me, always supporting and believing in me......I still feel so lost and lonely for him here. I so want him back. He is the only person I have ever really been close ot and could count on. On top of that there is the loss of income.....I was mostly retired and now I have to make a living again.....I enough to last for a few years but I want more to do too. Am doing some volunteer things in the meantime, don't feel at all able to face a full time job now....this is not the future we had planned and worked for. It's all gone. I pray a lot.....and I do feel guided and supported and heard. Just need to be heard by others who get it and more often. Thank you all for being here and hearing me.

[feralfae]

Dear AnneW,

I am so very sorry for your loss. The shock of Gary's sudden leaving and the other changes in your life are hard to bear, I know. As to the person you think may be ready to move on, perhaps you could have a talk with her and find out what boundaries she needs, and how often she would feel comfortable offering you her emotional support. Sometimes, people just need for us to let them know what we need, and then they can determine what they can offer. Each person can be so very different, that it is hard to know what will work on an individual basis.

Losing our dreams for our future is so very hard. When we have made plans for the rest of our lives, to have those dreams and plans snatched away from us, and to face trying to build even tomorrow alone, can be overwhelming sometimes.

For now, remember to take very good care of yourself, stay hydrated and eat well. Get lots of rest, because grief work is very tiring. I found writing in my journal every day most helpful the first two years. If you have friends at a distance, maybe you can set up times to visit for an hour by telephone or Skype once a week or so.

And keep coming here.

Blessings,

feralfae

[Gracie]

Hi AnneW,

I am new to this forum. I just began writing in here yesterday. In reading your post and the responses I feel like I may have found the place to go when I need to just speak about how I feel and what I want. Most people in my life now are at the stage where they think I should be moving on in my life like start dating instead of still grieving my husband. When my husband died a huge part of my life went with him, all of our plans and dreams for the future went with him. I spend a lot of time talking to him, yelling him and sometimes think I hear him talk back to me. Seems crazy but I know I felt some comfort during that time. Thank you for your wonderful posts and I will be thinking of you!