Tired Of Being Strong

[Gwenivere]

That movie has so many meanings on so many levels.  II saw it when it was new and had no idea how it would bring up so many questions for me now.  I'm not drawn to grief movies, it just seems I am more aware of how much that is in plots now.  Keenly aware.  Some I can watch and others I can't.  Saw part of Steel Magnolias the other night when Sally Field lost it at the funeral.  Really know that feeling.  

[Patty65]

That's beautiful Katpilot!  You should explore your talent more!  To me, the haunting part of her eyes in that image is that she is not looking right at you, it is as if she is looking at something right over your shoulder.  I love the concept and metaphor of sticking around on a mission to find the 6th Borough!

[Patty65]

6 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

it just seems I am more aware of how much that is in plots now.  

Totally.  It's why I'm not watching movies.  It's everywhere -- its on regular shows as well.  And other wrenching topics. Or memories of us watching together.  We used to love medical dramas. No way, no how now.  I called Directv the other day and cut down my package since I hardly turn the darn thing on anymore.  But I kept it for the cooking shows "Give me the lowest package that includes the Food Network, please."

Patty

[Gwenivere]

Medical shows are absolutely OUT for me too.  Last one I was into was House and that was more for the characters.  Hard to see repeats now if they come in.  Even commercials about medications drive me crazy!

[scba]

Marty, thank you very much for your words and for that link. The author express very well what I'm experiencing and her photos are impressive. I felt reflected in many of them.. The only progress that I'm noticing is that I'm able to bounce back from triggers. 

Stephen, your first attemp at drawing your Kathy is incredible, it came very well. I like it very much.You have an artistic talent, as many friends here. I hope you will pursue it.  

Kay, I wish too there is a nest place where all of us could go and pretend that nothing ever happened! That place is my bed, I'm glad when bedtime arrives.

Gwen, I'm tired of discovering new doors of grief and to renew feelings and sensations. I'm not repeating in my head his last days, rather than finding out over and over that I lost HIM.  

Paty, I'm sorry for what you are going through with your business. I hope a solution comes up. Your painting is just amazing. I love horses. You surely deserved and award for it. I cannot watch tv shows and movies that are related with sentimentalism. That is why I stick to House of Cards and brief news. 

Thank you everybody for your compassion, for reading, replying and caring.

Ana

[kayc]

Oh Patty,

My heart breaks when I hear all you are going through.  (I'm going to respond to your post first and then I'll read the others, my memory is too short.  )

Having all of that happen at once had to feel overwhelming and I can imagine wanting to give up on everything.  But you're not, you're tackling things one at a time.  Damn the employees that don't come through!  Grrr!  I've never left an employer hanging in my entire life and can't even imagine doing it to an employer that is going through what you are!  I hope you find a new one that will work out well.  Will insurance cover the loss of food?  I hope so!

I love the painting!  I'd keep it up but you need to do what is most comfortable for you and that may change every couple of months...

Patty, hearing you bring up how you wonder if heaven is your construct made me think about a movie (I can't remember the name or who was in it) I saw years and years ago...people, plot...then you find out that it was like an alternate existence where none of their memories really happened, it was all a false state of their mind.  That'd be okay if you never found out but it would literally be shattering if you did.  Kind of like a dream.

[scba]

I have been depressed the whole week. Seriously. I have left bed at noon, but I woke up at 8am. I had cried every day, many times a day. I understand it is normal, that there is no linear progress in this journey. But I feel exausted and down as in the first months. Worse, I feel hopeless. Worser, I believe in nothing! I wrote in another thread that I am receiving well meaning wishes, but I believe that none of them will come true. Just to mention some,

You will be happy again / I am not sure, why should I? Do I deserve it? Is there any deserve in life?

I hope you will find what you are looking for / Apart from the fact that I am looking for my boyfriend unconsciously, what If I never find what I am looking for, name it peace, happiness, stability etc?

You will be blessed again / I am not sure, why should I? Who am I to be?

God will help you / I don't trust Him anymore

You will find the job that you are looking for / And if I don't?

You may say these are platitudes, maybe, but they are coming from people I love and I cannot get angry at them. But I am the first one to not believe. I need something to believe, anything, if I do I will be able to carry on better. The aftermath of his death has traumatized me and all that I believe before has vanished. Like Mulder "I want to believe". Not in 10 years, but now. 

Thank you for reading. Ana

[scba]

Ps. I have been reading all the threads although I haven't been very active lately. I'm sorry.

[kayc]

Ana,

The platitudes used to make me mad when my loss was fresh, later on I learned to just let them go as fast as they came.   I suppose they make THEM feel better to say them, as if they are somehow helping you.  Great, they feel better, doesn't do much for you though, does it?

I'm sorry it's such a struggle...

[scba]

Thank you Kay. They actually mean nothing to me because I think that they may never be true. The core of my beliefs is gone since minute 1 of that day. I believed in future. I feel I should, but I can't. The choice of course is not to believe anymore, but this is awful too.

[kayc]

I try not to keep "should" in my vocabulary anymore. People who issue the edict "should" usually haven't been there themselves.

[mittam99]

Ana, I hope what I'm going to ask isn't too personal or too out of line... and I'm asking because I'm worried about you.

You are clearly hurting immensely and there is such a sense of complete and utter hopelessness from your recent posts. It sounds like at this point, no one has the words to help in any way, shape or form. I'm scared that you might fall into a downward cycle of complete despair. 

Have you talked to anyone about anti-depressants or something of that nature? I'm not saying that's the answer by any means, just a thought.

I apologize if this was too personal, it's just that I'm very concerned.  I wish I had the magic answer to give you some hope.

[scba]

Dear Mitch, it is not too personal your question. Thank you. The thing is that there is a bad story in my family because of use of antidepressants and I'm scared to make use of them. My doctor prescribed them on the first month of my grief and I didn't took them. I will not take that path because of those episodes in my family's history.

Perhaps the fact that I'm not going to therapy for more than a month, cause I moved out, is affecting me. In fact I'm going back home on the weekend and I will call my therapist. I haven't talked eye to eye about my feelings for very long. I thought I could not need therapy as before, that I was coping more or less well. People keep telling me how improved I look, how strong I am, how well my mind is functioning. This adds more confusion. What is true? Oh here, another question!

Perhaps the fact that I have been making so much emotional effort to sound and seem doing well for job calls and interviews, it let me emotionally exhausted and wallowing. I tried very hard to go out for sightseeing, to listen to concerts, to go to shopping. I put a lot of effort on these and I see no results rather that short amount of time of distractions.

It has left me with the sense of no hope. What works to make me feel better for more than 24hs? 

I hope that this wave shall pass. I hope tomorrow will be different than today. Here, I wrote the word Hope, 

[mittam99]

8 minutes ago, scba said:

I hope that this wave shall pass. I hope tomorrow will be different than today. Here, I wrote the word Hope

Ana, that in itself sounds hopeful. Also, your point about putting on the happy face for job interviews makes a ton of sense. That had to be emotionally draining for you and as you said left you wallowing afterwards.

Here's hoping tomorrow isn't just different; here's hoping it's better.

[kayc]

Ana,

I also lost my job shortly after George died and it's very hard going to those job interviews, I know!  I, along with Mitch, hope tomorrow is better.

[scba]

Thank you Kay. I'm sorry of what happened with your job after George died. Thank you for your support! 

[scba]

Today I did something I have never doe before. I donated blood. My friend's niece, 5yo, was diagnosed with leukemia. Her parents asked for donations. I decided that I could do that, took courage and went to the hospital. 

It was my first time in a hospital after "that day". I felt confident that everything would be ok and that I would be fine. I didn't know I had to go through some questions regarding sex activity, and because of my age they asked more questions and so I said "none of it, I'm a widow". The nurse stared at me and said "but no, you are still very young!" "He was very young too" and I lost it for a minute. But I was determined to do something good and selfless today and asked to continue with the q&a.

Everything went fine and the nurse was very caring, checking frequently If I was feeling well and comfortable. I left the hospital, walked 5 blocks and started to feel dizzy, I couldn't keep walking and I laid down on the floor. A man approached me and helped me to calm down and stayed with me until I felt fine again. It all lasted 5 minutes, I was not scared, I KNEW my boyfriend was there taking care of me through this man. I felt his presence.

Today I feel in peace. And since this is not common in my life, I wanted to write it down.

Thanks for reading. Ana.

[brat#2]

Ana, I'm glad you had a little peace today, even though it was hard to come by.  What a wonderful thing you did for your friend's niece.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

39 minutes ago, scba said:

I was not scared, I KNEW my boyfriend was there taking care of me through this man. I felt his presence.

Today I feel in peace. And since this is not common in my life, I wanted to write it down.

Ana, that's the only way I too can survive this horror show of a life they call a grief journey. I have to believe that Tammy is here by my side, loving me. I'm glad you felt Fred's presence and I'm so happy you're feeling a sense of peace today.

Thank you for donating blood. My dad died of leukemia and transfusions were a regular part of his treatment. 

[kayc]

Ana,

Thank you for sharing your amazing post!  It's good to know they can be there with us when we most need them.  You did something for someone else today and I like to think it came back to you in another form.

[scba]

Thank you all for your kind replies. The "I feel fine" effect lasted 48hs and now I'm back to my "new normal" of feelings of grief. One day at a time, once and again, in hope that good days will be back and will last more.

Ana

[mittam99]

16 minutes ago, scba said:

Thank you all for your kind replies. The "I feel fine" effect lasted 48hs and now I'm back to my "new normal" of feelings of grief. One day at a time, once and again, in hope that good days will be back and will last more.

Ana, that's the best way we can look at things. Let's be real here... most of our days feel awful... and painful. When we do have a "good" day or actually feel hopeful, we should cherish the moment. There's a good possibility our next overwhelming grief wave is close at hand. That's just how grief is. 

Hopefully, down the road, all of us will have more good and peaceful days than wretched and agonizing ones.

[scba]

I agree Mitch. It is how it is, and it sucks! It gives me hope when others here tell us that things get better and better days last more. 

[kayc]

48 hours is terrific!  Mine usually last a moment, but I'll take whatever I can get!

Steve's idea of contributing to the art fundraiser for this site is a good one.  I've been working on it this morning, and I can't believe how fun it is to do something creative!  I haven't done that in a while, only doing cards when I "had to", but this morning I've been working on making a set of coasters to donate, and even though this enjoyment is short lived, maybe it'll inspire me to do more "creating".

[scba]

It is a very good idea and I'm glad that it is helping you to do something creative that will also help this site. Even if the enjoyment is short lived, it was worth for as little or much comfort it brings to our tired spirits. 

What is a coaster? I cannot find a picture of it in google.