Tired Of Being Strong

[MartyT]

Oh Kay ~ If Stephen's idea has inspired you to get back into expressing your creative side ~ Well, how wonderful is THAT?!

And Ana, you know how moisture collects on the outside of a glass? A coaster is a small tray, or a mat made of cork or felt or some other material, that you would place under a glass, to protect the surface of the table from the moisture.

[kayc]

A coaster is something you put your drinks on to protect the table (mine are made out of tiles that absorb some of the moisture).  I have a picture of one on the thread for the funding, you can also see some other people's work there.  I don't want to double post, so here is a link to it:

 

[Froggie4635]

Took an extra long weekend away from work.  I don't normally like to take time off in the summer, mostly because it is too hot to do anything unless you get up and do it at 4 am.  I've just been doing some simple things...seems like I am forever organizing and sorting.  I just got back from dinner with my mother-in-law.  While there, she pulled out a picture that her sister gave her.  It was of Mark sitting at the table and smiling.  I noticed that it was from before we got married, for there was no wedding ring on his hand.  It is a very weird feeling seeing a new picture.  I borrowed it and made two copies...blew it up as much as I could.  I didn't immediately start crying, but oh how it made me feel how much I am missing him and how much I want him back.  I also got a letter from Life Gift, acknowledging the letter that I sent to the recipients of Mark's corneas.  They apologized for being so very behind; they send them out in the order that they are received.  They prepared me for the possibility of not getting a response.  sometimes it is truly difficult for the recipients to express how they feel.  It's okay.  I merely wanted them to know how unselfish and caring Mark was.  It is very hard wanting something that I can never have...to go back in time and have him here.

[Clematis]

I have just now been reading these posts. When I first heard about donating a painting and a fundraiser, I had no idea what he was talking about. Then I had no idea why I was had no idea what he was talking about. Now I look at the dates of the posts about the fundraiser, and smacked myself on the side of the head...it's because that went on when I was in Hawaii...! And don't worry-I didn't really hit myself on the side of the head while trying to recover from a head injury...just a figure of speech!

[scba]

it's his birthday.....33 years old he should be...i repeat this number. I read posts from loved ones who were on their 30s, or younger. My heart aches for them too, for all of us here in this forum.

I tried to feel gratitude..,,I failed. I tried to think of good memories and pasts birthdays....,I failed. I tried to write a letter, a post on Facebook....I failed too. I had the intention to call his parents.,,,,,I failed, because they tell me they are doing their best and he would want us to be happy. I can't hear that, I wish to hear instead "however I feel the pain, my heart is broken".

I had a look to our pictures. I didn't recognize myself, my gaze, my smile with of love and that light in my eyes. Was it that me? Did I make him up? Was it real? How can I have changed phisically? What had happened? Why?

I know I'm not in the same spot of two years ago. But looking at the pictures my brain collapsed. This cannot be true, this is a sick joke, it cannot be true that it's his bday and I can't call him, go out for dinner, watch a movie, eat his mom's famous bday cake. God, this cannot be real, this cannot be your will, he was 31.....

I failed him today.....

I'm so sad and so heartbroken. Thanks for reading.

 

Edited July 12, 2016 by scba

[mittam99]

Ana, I'm sorry but you're wrong. You never "failed" your Fred. The only thing you were ever "guilty" of was loving him with all your heart. And believe, me he knows this. 

I'm so sorry this day has been so gut wrenching for you. I wish I had the right words to soothe your pain.

Hugs.

[scba]

Thank you Mitch for your words. I felt I failed to honor Fred's memory today, his life, his legacy. I put my energy in trying not to loose it when I felt so close to a break down. It's almost midnight and the effort has tired me. The day is over. Tomorrow is another day.

 The fact that I am understood here helps me a lot. I appreciate it very much.

[kayc]

Ana,

You haven't failed anything, you love him and honor his memory each and every day.  There is nothing wrong with trying not to lose it, we do have to function somewhat.

I didn't realize you were both so young, I'm so sorry.  I felt bad enough George only made it to 51.

[Margm]

Ana, I had so many years with Billy, still I feel I failed him so many times.  He was so much older than the majority on here.  He had so many years to live, to experience life, and he did, and we did, but it does not matter, it did not seem like near enough time.  When compared to others, it was more than one lifetime.  My dad passed away at 64.  I thought he had lived a long life, and to some he had, but to him, I think he would have liked longer.  We all live in our own reality.  He knew my mom two weeks before he married her.  Their''s was not a happy union, although over time I am sure they grew to accept each other.  I listened to my sister-in-law talk the other day about Billy's mom and dad.  I think back in those days, people did not leave bad marriages as fast as they do now.  They all toughed it out.  Billy and I toughed out a few bad years, but the good ones outweighed the bad and I would do it all over again.  I wish I could.  In some cases, no matter how many years you actually had, most of us wished for more.  

10 hours ago, kayc said:

 I felt bad enough George only made it to 51.

Scott, our son, was 54 last month.  He is still just a child to me.  He is moving me to Louisiana.  Only a kid in my mind.  

Again, I wish peace for us all.  

[scba]

Thank you Kay for your kind words. Marg, I came to know that whatever their age of passing is, it is too soon. We all wanted more. The pain and absence is the same. My comfort is to think that this is temporal and then there is going to be eternity.

 

[brat#2]

Ana, I'm sorry you had a such a bad day yesterday.  I know how hard the "special" days can be.  You haven't failed him, just thinking of him and loving him is honoring him no matter what day it is.  Hope you are finding a little peace today.  Hugs to you

Joyce

 

[scba]

Thank,you Joyce. I had some rest today, my body needed it.

 

[scba]

I'm sorry again for not having been very active lately with comments to your posts. I have been reading and nodding "me too" but I felt uncapable to do more.

I started this post a year ago. A year later, I'm still tired of being strong, of playing "being strong". I played the part yesterday at a family event, full of coupleds, full of talk about trips, homes being redecorated, dinners and events. I played 'I'm normal' role and nodded, commented, suggested and applauded ideas. The moment I put a foot on my home, I broke down in a flood of tears. I felt so much pain, so much injustice, I felt this acute pain again and I couldn't stop crying. I regret attending the dinner but what I am going to do, isolate for ever?

I have a question. the "exposure" effect gets better at some point, or witnessing what has been lost for ever from our lives is going to hurt for ever?

 

[MartyT]

Ana, my dear, witnessing what has been lost forever from your life will continue to hurt as long as you live. How could it not? But that does not mean that you'll never learn to live without it.

An excerpt from In Grief: When Can I Stop The Process? 

If you had lost one of your limbs, would it be appropriate for someone to ask when you would stop noticing / missing / grieving the absence of your leg or your arm? It seems to me that losing your beloved spouse is not unlike losing a significant part of yourself, as if half of you is gone. Grief is not an illness from which you will recover; it more closely resembles an amputation. Although an essential part of you has been severed and is no longer there in a physical way, you still remember vividly how much that part meant to you. While over time you may grow accustomed to your plight, to some extent you will struggle every day of your life to accommodate and adjust to the physical absence of that important part of you . . .

[Margm]

8 minutes ago, MartyT said:

While over time you may grow accustomed to your plight, to some extent you will struggle every day of your life to accommodate and adjust to the physical absence of that important part of you .

I read all of it Marty.  Even before I knew Billy was sick, I knew to lose him, or even for him to lose me, I knew it would be akin to losing half of my body and learning to walk again, balance my own body to accommodate the loss.  Like a stroke victim in rehab, learning to walk, learning to speak, learning to listen, and my hardest lesson right now, learning to concentrate.

We live with this bare naked grief and we cannot clothe it.  It is in our eyes, in our brain, in our heart, and that big lump you feel well up in your throat.

And, I am left with the same problems we had before Billy left.  But those problems, they may be what saves me or kills me, I am the master of my own ship..  

And, I can still hear him and see him telling me when I thought I was dying, when I was so afraid 34 years ago, "If you die the pain and the worry will be gone for you, you will be free, and the pain and worry will fall upon us that have to live without you."  Like I have said before, he was a prophet.  

"I'm not that important, life does go on, if I was not here, then I'd be gone."  Can you believe I wrote that 34 years ago?  I still have the little piece of paper I typed it on, cut it out, stuck it in my billfold. Some of you were not even born yet but I was going through the pain of leaving my family.  I am the Court Jester of my own life. Aren't we all?

[Gin]

Ana,

I had that horrible crying spell today.  My daughter suggested I go to a senior center.  She doesn't understand that I do not need activity.  I need Al.  I am simply drained.

Gin

[Clematis]

15 minutes ago, Marg M said:

And, I can still hear him and see him telling me when I thought I was dying, when I was so afraid 34 years ago, "If you die the pain and the worry will be gone for you, you will be free, and the pain and worry will fall upon us that have to live without you."  Like I have said before, he was a prophet.  

I think you are right, Marg. My dad is free from the travails of Parkinson's, but it has fallen upon me in a way. As I have gone through his things I have become increasingly aware of what he was going through in ways he never would tell me. In addition to missing him, of course...

[kayc]

Good article and so true!  I get tired of being strong too, I think we all do, we all miss having that special person to lean on, we helped each other up when one of us was down, we don't have that anymore and sometimes it's flat out noticeable!

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, scba said:

 what I am going to do, isolate for ever?

I have a question. the "exposure" effect gets better at some point, or witnessing what has been lost for ever from our lives is going to hurt for ever?

Ana, I've become the most anti social person and that is not a hallmark of my personality.  I had no idea what Steves loss would do to me.  I haven't gone out for lunches, dinners, anything like that in almost 2 years.  It's too much for me having tried gatherings and hearing about everything going on for other people.  I don't begrudge them, I just cant handle knowing my life is so empty and I can't jump in and say....well, guess what I am doing as there is nothing.  I miss it.  I miss telling people of our plans or projects.  It also takes a lot of energy to listen and react positively as people tick off how thier lives are so busy and.....lively.  I'll say well, time to go, but not the whole truth.  Time to go back to my emptiness and solitude.  I've tried, too.  I've stopped by to see people and really tried to feel some gladness for them.  I don't want to resent them for living, so I've stopped that for now.  I'm truly lost at what to do these days to stay connected to the living world.  I do better with strangers because it is quick conversations in check out lines, nothing personal.  

I think it's going to hurt forever.  But many tell me it doesn't stay this bad.  I hope they are right.  But for now, I have to live out my reality.  I worry I am more comfortable in the solitude as that is not healthy in the long run.  But forcing things intensifies the pain.  It's a real rock and a hard spot place to be.  Truly one of the most trying phases of this.  

Steves not the ghost around here, I am.

[Gwenivere]

6 minutes ago, kayc said:

 we don't have that anymore and sometimes it's flat out noticeable!

Noticeable?  Really Kay.....now that is an understatement!    I can't use the word here I would find much more descriptive.   

[Finch]

I am tired of being this diminished version of me. I feel like I'm in a marathon that I was running, but now I'm crawling along the ground for the rest of the way.

[scba]

I'm sorry again for not having been very active lately with comments to your posts. I have been reading and nodding "me too" but I felt uncapable to do more.

I have started a new job on july. I don't feel happy, excited or whatsoever, I am just ok and I have the strange feeling that nothing has changed and these have been just like any other days in my life. I tried to feel different about it, to see things differently, to feel gratitude, to add "at least...." and with my broken heart I admit that I realised that this is my life now, this is my life without my boyfriend, an unhappy life, a full life without him, a life with flashbacks from the past. I acknowledge this completely and my heart breaks again. I am scared to not make it to stay sane. I was 35, he was 31. It is not fair. We both deserved so much better. I miss him so much. I feel lost. 

[iPraiseHim]

Ana, I believe we all go through phases like yours.  It is a life adjustment that will probably take a lifetime.  There are times when I can't write or say anything,  I do try to follow and keep up with the group.  It has helped me to express what I am going through even though it seems like it doesn't really matter.  There is such a range of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I can experience and it just take time; a lot of one days at a time.  I don't think there is a set time for grief. It just takes what it takes.  I thought I was crazy or close to it, at times. 

Gradually, the intensity of grief lessens, so it is not so all consuming.  I have gradually learned what helps me and what spins me out of control.  Everyone is different. The beauty of this place is that by everyone sharing what they are going through it helps me to realize that I am not alone in this grief and to discover what works for me.  I have not come to the place where I am happy or joyful yet.  I can remember the more joyous times now and discover what elevates my thoughts and moods to have an okay day. This grief work takes much time and energy.  I can notice now that I have made progress from when I first cam to this group.  I hope you will find your way and purpose as well.  Death just sucks... especially for those of us who are left to grieve.  I believe there is a purpose in all of this.  It is where we learn, and grow, and move forward.  Praying we all find our purpose.  - Shalom, George

[kayc]

LIFE takes so much time and energy!  Right now I'm feeling totally down.  I discovered my 2 1/2 year old roof is leaking, I have small stains on my ceiling near the edge.  And no money.  The contractor is in prison.  So much for his warranty.  I am so sick of contractors.  Apparently they think nothing of taking your money but not doing the work like they should.  My sister said I should lower my expectations.  ???  My expectations are down to survival mode, if they get any lower I'll be dead.  It's not like I'm taking cruises or anything.  I didn't expect my 51 year old husband to up and die on me.  I didn't expect to lose my job three times since.  I didn't expect any of my life to go like it did.  I keep trying to stay positive but it's a struggle.  Of course, her husband, in his late 70s is still alive.

Ana, I'm sorry, it's not fair, none of it is.

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, scba said:

I don't feel happy, excited or whatsoever, I am just ok and I have the strange feeling that nothing has changed and these have been just like any other days in my life. 

Ana, I've learned that our life after we lose our beloved is never going to nearly feel the same. It will never have the same intensity. The happiness or the excitement we might feel from time to time (in the moment) is short lived. All we can do is accept this and try to live each day the best we can. I'm not trying to be negative here, just realistic.

That doesn't mean our future is doomed to misery. It's just that our loss has left us in a different place than we once were. A place where everything feels different and every emotion and thought is intertwined with the sadness that always resides just below the surface.

We had the life we wanted. Our lives were filled with love and happiness because we had that person with us that made everything better. Without them, we feel like a different person. We feel incomplete. Lost. Alone. We ask why? over and over even though we know there is no answer. We long for our old lives back. 

On a personal level, I function. People at work see me as the personable, affable guy I am. I'm able to contain my emotions for the most part in the public eye. At home though, the tears and pain are my on and off companion. I never know what will trigger my next bout of anguish. 

This is my life without my beloved Tammy. It hurts. It's filled with emptiness. It's a life I never planned on living because in my heart I thought Tammy would be here forever. And our marriage would be for always.

The thing is, Tammy didn't die because she wanted to. She didn't leave me because she didn't love me. Death took her away. It wasn't her choice. And so, I will always feel that Tammy is my wife. That Tammy loves me forever. Tammy resides inside me heart and soul. Maybe a part of me still dreams that her death was just some nightmarish test of some sort and she will be back someday alive and well. Oh how I wish that could be.

All I know is Tammy was the best thing that ever happened to me. She made me feel loved like I never felt before. Made me feel like I was special. We were an amazing team. Perfect for each other.

All I can do is live my life the best I can. Some days I don't accomplish much. But, I am trying and I am standing and I guess that's an accomplishment in itself.

Mitch