Tired Of Being Strong

[KarenK]

I have wondered if there will ever come a time when we no longer miss those we lost. Will there be a magic moment when the loneliness just fades away? Perhaps for the younger crowd if love finds you again. For me, that is not an option. Too many years spent with that one person just negates that idea. It seems like only yesterday that they were here beside me even though it has been years since I lost each of them.

The loneliness lives on and with it the non-stop video in my head of the last days of each of them. One of the worst moments was my daughter running from Ron's grave as we buried him, crying "Mama, Mama, soon that will be me."  A year later it was. If only I could edit that video or erase it.

[KarenK]

Kay,

I am so blasted sorry about your roof. I know you said there was rain coming. Is there any possibility you could find someone who would put a tarp over the damaged roof area just until you can get it fixed. I know you have limited resources in your area.

[Gin]

All I know is Tammy was the best thing that ever happened to me. She made me feel loved like I never felt before. Made me feel like I was special. We were an amazing team. Perfect for each other.

All I can do is live my life the best I can. Some days I don't accomplish much. But, I am trying and I am standing and I guess that's an accomplishment in itself

Mitch,

Exactly  how I feel about Al. 

[Gwenivere]

13 minutes ago, KarenK said:

I have wondered if there will ever come a time when we no longer miss those we lost. Will there be a magic moment when the loneliness just fades away? Perhaps for the younger crowd if love finds you again. For me, that is not an option. Too many years spent with that one person just negates that idea. It seems like only yesterday that they were here beside me even though it has been years since I lost each of them.

Don't see it happening for me either, Karen.  Being in my 60's now, I've had hat I wanted and it took years to get there.  As for missing them going away, I don't see how it can.  I go thru wondering if it was real and then in a nanosecond I feel just how real it was.  I feel like a human ping pong ball.  It's not just memories, it's new triggers that keep popping up.  It's been 2 years and there are still ones I didn't know about.  And that video that runs?  I got one too.  Sometimes the remote won't respond when I push stop or pause.  Most frustrating.

[Brad]

53 minutes ago, KarenK said:

The loneliness lives on and with it the non-stop video in my head of the last days of each of them. One of the worst moments was my daughter running from Ron's grave as we buried him, crying "Mama, Mama, soon that will be me."  A year later it was. If only I could edit that video or erase it.

Karen - I have those unwelcome visitors too.  A grief counselor suggested that I have on hand a collection of happier memories to go to when I find myself dwelling on the ugly times.  For me it works if I can only remember to play them. It does take a conscious effort and many times I dwell far too long on those last months, days, moments.  Hopefully someday it will turn into an automatic response.

[kayc]

Karen,

I have no one to help me and I suspect the leak is possibly somewhere around the wood stove chimney, although it's hard to know for sure w/o tearing the roof off as leaks can travel quite a ways before showing up in a ceiling as a stain.  The wood stove is my only source of heat and if I have a fire going, it would just melt the tarp anyway.  I woke up at 2:30 am and couldn't go back to sleep.  Right now I can't worry about what I can't change, it does nothing to help me.  I am praying...

About the missing them and loneliness...I don't see that ever being gone from our lives entirely.  Mitch expressed it so well.  We adjust to a point, the rest we live with.  Karen, I'm sorry you have that image going through your brain, that's really hard.

[Margm]

14 hours ago, KarenK said:

tarp over the damaged roof area just until you can get it fixed.

Kay, you know I live in rain country, well for sure humidity country, and you would be surprised how prettily some of the nicest homes have different colored tarps on their roof.  I know it would be a job for you to do this, but maybe you might find someone.  Thinking about you.

[Margm]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

melt the tarp anyway

Okay, guess I should have read further.

[WolfsKat]

On 10/11/2016 at 9:39 PM, mittam99 said:

All I know is Tammy was the best thing that ever happened to me. She made me feel loved like I never felt before. Made me feel like I was special. We were an amazing team. Perfect for each other.

Oh, Mitch, how I can relate to this!  When I started a life with my Connor, I was an old lady of 54......he was the first, the ONLY man I'd found that truly loved me, for ME, warts & all........and, he said I was his answer to unspoken prayers, that I was the 1st woman in his life to love him unconditionally.  Both of us had "given up" on love & such.....not really looking for anyone, both of us fairly reclusive.  We were also a "perfect team".....we were like two giddy kids......we brought out the best in one another, and were so very grateful to have each other!  I think my daughter said it best, at his memorial service....."Thank you, Connor, for bringing light and happiness into my Mom's life.....she shines brighter because of you"

[kayc]

1 hour ago, WolfsKat said:

"Thank you, Connor, for bringing light and happiness into my Mom's life.....she shines brighter because of you"

What better tribute could there be to him!

[scba]

I feel awful about this, but I need to "speak" about. My mum told me about a long time friend of hers who is getting married. She had been in a relationship for a long time and she told her the good news. The lady also said, I have been patient, and I have been rewarded. I could not be happy for her, all I could think was "I have been patient too, and my boyfriend is dead. I am not married. My patience rewards nothing".

Will I ever be a good person again and just focus on them rather than me?

A friend told me today that my grief is not evolving because I haven't accepted that he had a sickness that could and likely would kill him. That Is not possible that I am still in shock that his passing was a possibility. It was not an accident, it was a huge possibility, and so on. Hope was right, but denial was wrong. 

I understand her point. 

He fought all his life for not being just the sick boy. He is still the sick boy. He wanted to be no more. He had more patience than anyone. 

I feel I am doing something wrong. Maybe if I repeat 100 times, he was sick he was mortally sick, accept accept accept...then I will accept and I will move on with my life.

Thanks for reading. 

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, scba said:

I feel I am doing something wrong. Maybe if I repeat 100 times, he was sick he was mortally sick, accept accept accept...then I will accept and I will move on with my life.

Thanks for reading. 

Ana, you're not doing anything "wrong". There's is no "right" in grief either. It's just taking each day as it comes and coping to the best of your ability, in your own way.

It's hard for all of us to accept what has happened. We all want our old lives back. We all want to live a life that has our beloved in it. To live out all those future plans we so wanted to come to fruition. To feel that intense love we shared once again. A love that no one else could ever give us.

Unfortunately, reality rears it's ugly, painful head and we know that all our dreams were dashed the day our soul mate died. It's a deeply harsh reality and something that makes us often question if this new life is worth living. Like everyone else here, I long for the life I had. The life with my darling Tammy. My beloved (and perfect for me) bride. Somewhere along the way, my mindset has changed a bit. Sure I often cry to the heavens and ask "why?", but I know the futility of the question. Nothing I can say or do will bring my old life back or bring Tammy back into my arms. So is that acceptance? I guess in a way it is.

As far as "moving on" with my life, I'm not sure exactly what that encompasses. I pretty much live life the way I did before Tammy died except the joy is pretty much gone. I'm still basically the same Mitch with a huge undercurrent of sadness. If "moving on" means moving away from that life I shared with Tammy and somehow putting that in the past, well, that's not happening. Tammy and her love will be a part of me (the best part of me) forever. I think it's more a matter of "moving forward" and trying to find a measure of peace and contentment. Not an easy task.

One last thing Ana. Your grief is your grief. Your progress is your progress, at your pace. We can't compare anyone else's plight to our own.  Don't be so hard on yourself. Truth is, some days just getting out of bed can be considered an accomplishment. Live your life with your man's love in your heart and it will help in your struggles. Here's hoping for better days to come.

Hugs,

Mitch

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, scba said:

I feel awful about this, but I need to "speak" about. My mum told me about a long time friend of hers who is getting married. She had been in a relationship for a long time and she told her the good news. The lady also said, I have been patient, and I have been rewarded. I could not be happy for her, all I could think was "I have been patient too, and my boyfriend is dead. I am not married. My patience rewards nothing".

Will I ever be a good person again and just focus on them rather than me?

 

Thanks for reading. 

SCBA, I agree with everything Mitch wrote.  There is no timetable on grief. When someone tells you that you should do this of that, they have no concept or reality of the grief and loss that you are experiencing.  I find people say stuff like this because "they" want to feel better by thinking they are helping you.  It will take whatever time it takes.  

I was taught to not think of myself first but rather think of others instead of me.  The challenge with that concept it is that I did not face some life reality issues.  REAL friends will just listen and stay with you not try to change you to suit them. 

It's been over twenty two months since my precious wife died. I still miss her.  I still long for her.  Those feelings are there for  reason.  I am learning to just face them and feel them.  It would be easy to say I accept her death but my heart is still mourning her. 

This Christmas season seems to have hit me harder than last year. Like Mitch, I just take one day at a time and strive to do my best (not perfect) each day.  Some days that is just getting out of bed.  Other days I can work and function okay.  Please, relax and realize this will just take one day at a time.  My hope is tomorrow will be better and my prayer is that yours will be too! - Shalom, George 

[KATPILOT]

George every Christmas is not the same. For me it is my sixth one and yet I had a really hard time. Last year was not nearly as hard. 

You said

 "I still miss her.  I still long for her.  Those feelings are there for  reason". 

I so truly get that. I hurt for a reason. It's because the love never dies and if that's the price of love then so be it.  Kathy is not coming back. She's never coming back and so that's sad.  I cry sometimes because I love her still and when it happens I find a little comfort in knowing the reason. Could it be possible that with enough years and tears we can find some comfort in the "why"?   I'm not sure I can articulate this but when those sad times hit me and I find myself in tears, I also find a strange smile growing inside me. Knowing why makes it seem better. There is something quite beautiful about the love I have for her and it's that love that helps pull me out of my despair. And those tears? They are not just for me. They're for me and Kathy both. I'm really not alone in this love affair.

[scba]

Thank you Mitch, George and Stephen for your kind words. I appreciate them.

 

[Brad]

On 12/28/2016 at 3:18 AM, KATPILOT said:

Could it be possible that with enough years and tears we can find some comfort in the "why"?   I'm not sure I can articulate this but when those sad times hit me and I find myself in tears, I also find a strange smile growing inside me. Knowing why makes it seem better. There is something quite beautiful about the love I have for her and it's that love that helps pull me out of my despair. And those tears? They are not just for me. They're for me and Kathy both. I'm really not alone in this love affair.

This strikes a positive chord.  Thank you.

[kayc]

I responded to you Ana, I don't know what happened to it, it must not have saved before I exited.  I agree with what the others responded to you.  You are not a bad person, you are just dealing with your own grief.

[scba]

On Wednesday, December 28, 2016 at 7:18 AM, KATPILOT said:

. Could it be possible that with enough years and tears we can find some comfort in the "why"?   I'm not sure I can articulate this but when those sad times hit me and I find myself in tears, I also find a strange smile growing inside me. Knowing why makes it seem better. There is something quite beautiful about the love I have for her and it's that love that helps pull me out of my despair. And those tears? They are not just for me. They're for me and Kathy both. I'm really not alone in this love affair.

I hope so. 

After 2.5 years I can do the normal stuff and I guess I will be able to live normal the rest of my life, meaning that I leave the bed, prepare breakfast, shower, go to work, work, interact with coworkers and boss, have lunch, more work, leave, buy gorceries, clean the app, dinner, bed. I can do this for other 35 years until I retire.

But, emotionally I think I will be sad for the rest of my life with hopes that I won't be. The crack between my ordinary tasks and my feelings is too wide. Therefore the ordinary frustration that I live two lives

 

[scba]

PS. I have been on a trip recently, on my own, and I felt more alone than ever. Coming back home everybody looked forward to see me excited, and I struggled so much to deal with their dissapointment, which is mine too. I guess I still naively think I can fix this, so doing things will transform my feelings. It is not happening. It is all mixed in my heart. So, what can I do? I still do things, anyway. 

And I miss him terribly.......

 

[Brad]

Ana, I understand.  I keep on trying to find things to help with the emptiness and am frequently disappointed.  I am getting somewhat used to traveling alone and with family.  But the emptiness remains.  I miss her so much while I am traveling as we loved traveling together.  I miss her even more when I walk into an empty house.  I was alone before I met Deedo but then that was thirty-nine years ago.  I just want to get to my new normal where I am somewhat able to fill the void.

[scba]

thank you Brad. I understand too. I quote you, I just want to get to my new normal where I am somewhat able to get used to feel my heart breaking.

 

 

 

[Margm]

My son called me and said the group Journey will be in Shreveport July 9th.  I got so excited and then it came crashing down.  How can I get excited?  I never cared for concerts.  I used to use their music because each song lasted about five minutes.  Between 4 and 5 minutes.  Then they hired a vocalist from the Philippines named Arnel Pineda.  I followed this little fellow's life story and it is Cinderella, and what he has done with his earnings from being their lead singer now for close to 10 years.  He was a street kid in the Philippines and his earnings started a corporation to help educate and provide medical care for the "street kids" in the Philippines.  My dad used to take me to "concerts" by country singers Slim Whitman, Red Souvine, Red Foley, Stamps Quartet, and I did not consider them concerts, just continuation of watching Louisiana Hayride (nobody remembers that), but it was our "Grand Ole Opry" for us country folks.  Never cared about concerts.  Oh my kids went, and my granddaughter has been as far as Albuquerque to watch concerts.  We did not do such a thing.  To lose weight I would put ear buds in my ears, get on the elliptical, and play Journey.  I would try for one more song, or five more minutes.

The gest of all this was that I had moments of elation, actually enthusiasm, happiness that I was going to get to go see and hear my little hero Arnel and Journey.  The music is beautiful..  Then it all came crashing down.  How can I be happy, how can I have enthusiasm, how can I feel this way.  Now, I will tell you this, even for me, Billy would not go to the concert.  As long as he knew Scott was there with me, he would have been okay with it.  For this reason, I am going to look forward to it.  Billy would not want to go anyhow.  We even walked out of an Eddie Rabbit concert at the State Fair one time.  Too many people for Billy.  So, this young fellow who took Steve's place with Journey, and who carries the group, I will get to see him.  I have his concert in Manila on DVD, but I won't watch it.  Billy did not care for it.  But Billy left me, even if he could not help it.  Even if I could not  help it either.  I still feel guilt, but will try to get rid of it.

 

[MartyT]

Oh Marg. I so do hope that you will push that guilt aside and permit yourself to look forward to this concert. You so deserve to have that feeling of excitement, and looking forward to this event can be almost as good as going, if you allow yourself that pleasure. Call it a guilty pleasure if you must, but pleasure nonetheless!  ♥

[iPraiseHim]

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

The gest of all this was that I had moments of elation, actually enthusiasm, happiness that I was going to get to go see and hear my little hero Arnel and Journey.  The music is beautiful..  Then it all came crashing down.  How can I be happy, how can I have enthusiasm, how can I feel this way....

Marg M, I experienced the same feeling, "how can I be happy, joyful amidst my grieving.It feels odd to be happy and grieving at the same time.  It hit me with such a surprise I never expected it.  I expected grief.  I have been living with it since the moment Rose Anne died.  The Joy doesn't cancel out the grief. However, it is strange to be actually looking forward to something.  It would be easy to shut the anticipation of Joy down.  However, it is not selfish to experience Joy.  If my wife was here she would encourage me to follow my dreams and passions.  She always wanted the best for me so why should I block that.  Your Billy wants what is best for you.  "Think on these things"  - Shalom, George

[MartyT]

Thank you, George! I was hoping you would say something to Marg about this  ♥