Crappy weekend

[Ricky]

Dear all,

I had a crappy weekend and just need to vent a little that's all...

My psychologist suggested last week that I spend the weekend with friends as I was feeling completely lost and overwhelmed last Friday and I was dreading to spend another weekend alone (weekends seem to be the hardest).

So I went and spent the weekend at the house of my brother-in-law and his partner. 

A bit of background - My partner and I relocated from Switzerland to Australia six years ago and we lived the first few months with my brother-in-law and his partner in the same house until we found an apartment to rent.

So I spent the weekend in the same room that we used to sleep in a few years ago. All the memories came back to me. How we painted the walls together of 'our' room, how I felt at the very beginning in a new country, a different language and leaving all my family and friends behind. But everything was fine because I was together with my partner and I was looking forward to our new life together. 

As I was lying in bed I felt like I have come full circle. Back to the beginning. Back to the start. But this time alone.

I now live in a house that my partner and I purchased and renovated every free moment of our time. I used to be so proud of our little home and the new lives we built bit by bit. Now it seems like everything is worthless. Nothing brings me pleasure as i don't have my partner to share it with. All the happiness is gone. I feel like an empty shell of my former self. I don't recognise myself anymore. The thought of building a whole new life again alone scares me. 

[Margm]

Ricky, in my life, alone means being afraid.  It has only been two weeks.  I dread night coming and when I fitfully sleep I look forward to daylight.  I have panic attacks, only I call t hem terror attacks.  I had had them once before 33 years ago when I had cancer, but they were few and far between.  Now they are nearly every day.  We were getting ready to leave this house when Billy passed away over a six week period.  We were going RVing, then all of a sudden he was gone.  In those two weeks my mind has lived here, there, everywhere and every place seems more frightening, yet I don't want to stay here.  My lawyer told me that I really needed to wait a year before deciding.  I don't buy green bananas, what does that mean, wait a year?  I am 73-years-old.  I was supposed to go first and he was going to take my ashes along with him.  I felt somewhat  comforted.  Now I have his ashes and I will not be making long trips, but I think I do see myself living in a small Class C, maybe, and his ashes will be with me.  I think the only thing we all know we are going to do is grieve the person we loved for so long, the person we lost.  Unfortunately, now we have to find ourselves.  That is a long journey, and again, I don't buy those green bananas.  I hope you find the solace you need on this forum.  There are some wonderful people that are going  through all the stages of grief.  We are here for you too.

[Guest]

Ricky,

Your darling Andre left you two days before my darling Deedo left me. I know so well what you mean when you say the thought of building a new life scares you. It terrifies me. We were just starting to ease into retirement and had four different vacations (holidays) planned, a cruise, a tour, trips to visit family, when our world came crashing down. Now I'm alone and don't have a clue what my life is supposed to look like. I spend my time planning tributes for Deedo. Trying to find ways to honor her; to try to emulate the remarkable person she was. 

I'm sorry your weekend was crappy. I think we're in for a lot of those weekends. 

[Ricky]

Margaret,

I am very sorry for your loss and that you are suffering from panic attacks. I do not know much about panic attacks only that they are very terrifying to the person experiencing them. I wish I could give you some advice to help but you probably already tried different things when you experienced them for the first time 33 years ago. I hope you will find ways so they become fewer or less intense with time.  

Two weeks in is a very short time and I remember the complete confusion, shock, numbness and disbelieve I was in at the time. I am now 14 weeks in and I still have days where I think my beloved Andre will come back. 

Andre was only 31yo when he passed away due to a completely unexpected aneurysm in his brain. I imagened that we would spend our life together, have kids, grow old together and I wished, that I would be the first to go when the time came. I cant believe that Andre has left me and this has happened so soon and unexpected. The only comfort I have is that my Andre never had to experience grieve like I am grieving for him now and I do hope that I will see him one day again.

 

Brad,

I am so sorry you lost your beloved Deedo. It is so unfair that you just started easing into retirement and you had wonderful plans for trips and vacations. This should have been a great 'chapter' of your and Deedo's live and you were both robbed of spending this time together.

I think it's lovely to spend time planning tributes for your beloved Deedo. I recently planted bushes for our 13th anniversary in a park where we used to walk our dog together. I go back every so often and sit on a bench and go through photos of us..

I think you are very right, we're in for a lot more of those crappy weekends...

[kayc]

Ricky,

Of course it was painful to be back in a place of memories, where the two of you shared life together.  How could it not!  31 years is such a short time, it feels very wrong.  None of are are promised a long life, and yet we feel our expectations dashed when it is cut short, how can we not, when we see others living into their 90s!

You are right, at least Andre didn't have to suffer this grief.  I feel that consolation with George too.  I have a note above my computer that says, "Little One, You are the one who made it all come true for me.  You're the best!  T.A.T. (thru all time), George"  At least I know I was able to bring him happiness in his life before he died.

[scba]

Now it seems like everything is worthless. Nothing brings me pleasure as i don't have my partner to share it with. All the happiness is gone. I feel like an empty shell of my former self. I don't recognise myself anymore. The thought of building a whole new life again alone scares me. 

I understand that. I am careless about my so-called "achievements". I'm aware that whatever is going on is because my boyfriend has died. I'm back to college, I have received the results of some tests, and I was like: ok, I passed. End. Stop. I'm right here because he is not. I go on, but yet I cannot make myself "care" or "appreciate". The empty shell is a good metaphor. 

I'm at day 414 and I magically think, sometimes, that my boyfriend may come back.

 

[Kpl48]

I'm so sorry for all of our pain. 

[Guest]

How how true Kristine. The more we loved and lived and the more we were loved the greater the pain. I know I was loved unconditionally and to the greatest depth just as I loved unconditionally and to the greatest depth and that is what makes my heart ache so. At least I can honestly say neither my wife nor I have regrets. 

[KATPILOT]

When you speak of building a new life, let me offer some insight. I was scared too of being alone. Then I came to realize that I was scared to be without her. It wasn't the alone that was getting to me. It was the alone without her.  What I discovered over the years is that I wasn't building a new life. It was building me and I had absolutely no control over doing so. All the plans we made and all the desires we had flew straight out the window.  I too had no regrets Brad. We were lucky. We did stuff and we loved well. I was fifty years old before I knew love that deep. I don't regret the pain of loss either. I believe I wrote in my bio this simple truth. "It's not how long you've loved but how well you did it." If you flying at Mach 3 when you aircraft comes apart your heart will surely break.

Edited November 2, 2015 by KATPILOT

[Guest]

Steve,

How eloquently and consisely conveyed.  Thank you.

[iPraiseHim]

Day 259.  I still dream that my beloved wife will come back but I know she can not.  It's the finality of " no more together here and now" that is so painful.  Some-days I can accept it, but today is not one of those days. And I was on hold with the IRS for over 30 minutes to find out some other form is messed up. Why is it there is always a penalty for a problem they find from three years ago and now I have to scramble to find some forms to clear it up pronto.  Life is challenging. An i don't have the time, energy, or inclination today.  Maybe tomorrow.... Life marches on!  Shalom

[kayc]

It took me over two hours to sign up for health care Sunday...my cost is more than doubling.  They had some gliches in their system so I had to call them.  Oh fun!  I sympathize with your IRS pain.

[KarenK]

Government bureaucracy is just so irritating at times, more so when we are struggling through each day. Two months ago, I applied for a county program through the Assessor's office which reduces the property taxes for widowed seniors. I presented all the necessary paperwork. Evidently the Assessor and the Recorder do not communicate. I received a denial letter as the average income for the last three years exceeded the requirement. Well DUH, Ron was alive 3 years ago. I called and was told that I needed to re-record the deed in my name only as they only look at the fact there are two names on it. So much for giving them the death certificate. Just one more thing to worry about, I guess. I cringe at the thought of anything to do with the IRS. 

[Gwenivere]

>I now live in a house that my partner and I purchased and renovated every free moment of our time. I used to be so proud of our little home and the new lives we built bit by bit. Now it seems like everything is worthless. Nothing brings me pleasure as i don't have my partner to share it with. All the happiness is gone. I feel like an empty shell of my former self. I don't recognise myself anymore. The thought of building a whole new life again alone scares me. 

Ricky,

You have expressed what so many if not all of us feel.  I operated in shock to get many things done.  When that was over, I realized there was nothing I cared about anymore.  I could feel no meaning in anything.  All the things that did bring me pleasure died when Steve did.  It was like he took that part of me with him.  I read all the words you wrote above and see myself.  It is a cold and dark place to be.  The hard thing is accepting this is 'normal'.  I get so tired of hearing that, but when I stop and think about up the monumental loss I live with, how could I ever expect to feel anywhere close to what life was when my soulmate was here?   So, I know it feels indescribably terrible.  We are all waiting for time to do it's thing.  Not to erase our love or memories, but to to hopefully change them into something that brings us more joy/gratitude for having what we did instead of pain.  The people here have helped me so much with their sharing and listening.  Another thing I have learned is I only take 'suggestions' from my heart now.  They are the only ones I trust and usually find I can handle because triggers are sneaky.  I once tried getting take out from our favorite restaurant only to cry all the way home.  It is about creating a new life, BUT...at our own pace.  Fear is a big part of that.  I wish I could say it wasn't.  

[Kpl48]

I was feeling a little better. I woke this morning in such grief...desolate total pain. The feeling better is gone. I think that's what happens. I'm trying to just go with it because I have no choice. I went to two support group meetings and spent quality time with two friends today. I am still sobbing and feeling so lost. I don't want to live without my Andre. I know I have to, but I wish I could be with him. I do believe I'll be with him again. It's so hard for me to live this new life. It seems impossible to go on without my dear husband. I hope tomorrow is not as painful as today. I never know...you understand. 

[Margm]

Yes, unfortunately I understand.  I wish we all could feel better.

[Ricky]

Thank you all for taking time to read the posts and the replies. It helps a lot to hear from such nice people who understand!

[KATPILOT]

We do all understand don't we? It's not unlike being on a ship you thought was safe and then it strikes an iceberg. You get thrown into the water and pulled out by those already in a lifeboat. Together you watch your ship slip beneath the waves. I know it's a bad analogy but we do help each other in. Sadly we still lost our ship yet that common bond brings at least a little comfort.  And, when you help the next person in, you will forget your own pain for a minute or two.

[kevin]

Helping people into a lifeboat.....what a vision, and so true. You feel totally used up, dead inside, and these strangers are dragging you to safety....and you gain strength from each other......good writing...

[kayc]

Kristine,

Yes, it's like that, up and down, I think of it as three steps forward, two steps backward.  Overall you are propelling in a forward motion but when you are in the two steps back it sure doesn't feel like it!  Try to remember that (3 forward, 2 back) so when you are in the 2 back you get too discouraged.

 

Karen,

They don't have any such reduction for seniors here so we can literally be taxed out of our homes. My 37 year old mobile home went "up" in value this year for tax purposes.  ???  You couldn't get a bank loan and no one would buy it, it needs painted and new flooring in all but two rooms, but they "raise the value"?  Just a way to get more money out of us.  My garage is literally falling down in the back (I need to hire someone to remove and replace the back, it'll have to wait another three years) and my shed is rotten in the eaves, needs to just be taken down...all were wood built on dirt and have since had some cement bricks inserted underneath in places, but should not be taxed, yet they're charging me an enormous amount for "out buildings".  You can't fight them, they never find in anyone's favor and if they do, don't lower your tax bill.  Bureaucracy indeed!

 

 

[Gwenivere]

The lifeboat analogy is so right on.  There is nothing worse than watching your 'ship' go down and know it is gone forever.  And on it were all your possessions, tho I see them as emotional ones.  The lifeboat is small, exposed and bobbing around adrift.  That  there are others in it is the only thing keeping you sane.  

[Kpl48]

A friend end came over today. We sat in the living room and watched TV. I opened the blinds to see our beautiful view. That's how Andre and I sat in our living room. I can't sit in the living room alone. It's just too hard without him there. It's better when my friend is here with me. I can cry and talk with her about my grief; she understands. 

I'm missing Andre a lot again today. It feels so bad. I feel so alone without him here. I'm crying remembering how it used to be. I ask why he had to die, but I know there's no answer. I ask anyway. I ask God and Andre to help me with this awful grief. I want the pain to end, but I know it won't. The intensity changes, but it never goes away. It's just so hard isn't it?

[Ricky]

I like the lifeboat analogy too.

Kpl48, I can very much relate to what you say about the living room. Andre (my partner's name is Andre too!) and I used to watch TV together every evening after work. I have closed the livingroom door and never go in there anymore. I have stopped watching tv altogether when Andre passed away. I miss this so much, just sitting next to him and watch the news and then cheesy shows. I would give everything to just have a few minutes back sitting next to him on the sofa..

[Gwenivere]

Isn't it amazing that we would all give anything to just have a few brief moments back with our beloveds?  Once we had all the time in the world, but now the smallest of time could soothe our hearts just a bit.  

[Kpl48]

Just to have him with me again here at home...The heartache is overwhelming. To see his loving smile. To look knowingly at each other. To touch his hand. To be together again. He's gone. He's with me - I want to believe that.