Getting rid of "things"

[Margm]

I don't mean to hog this whole forum, but I am having a very big problem of throwing anything out except the medicine he came home from the hospital with.  Our son (Scott) went through the bottom of the locked gun cabinet.  (All we have now is Billy's dad's old broken gun and my dad's broken 22 rifle) plus muzzle loaders he played with in the past.  Actually, all that is left of those is the one he gave Scott.  There were sacks in the locked bottom and Scott said they were just empty boxes and trash.  I would not let him throw them away.  Just now is the first time I have gone through the case we took to the hospital and the "trash" from the bottom of the gun cabinet.  Well, that is all it was, just trash.  Some dating back to 2003.  I did put all this in a trash bag (just the trash), but I hate letting anything of his go.  My cousin passed away after many years of a terrible marriage and his wife had everything gone that first week.  I have all his fly tying equipment I have to go through.  I'm not going to do any fly tying, but I am going to hold onto it.  I don't know why.  I just cannot let anything go.  I gave his new camera , the lens he had waited so long to get, I gave that to our daughter who does photography.  He never got to use it.  The RV and truck will go with my son.  I cannot pull the RV and could not load all the stuff I want to keep in it anyhow.  That was OUR dream.  If I had been the first to go, he would have taken the camera and the RV.  I have a congenital tremor and photography is something I cannot do.  Days like today I am not sure even how long I will live.  Will I live long enough to leave this house neither of us really wanted?  I cannot stand to be where he left me.  I want to go back to our old home, where our relatives live and some are buried.  I will "test the water" Thanksgiving making the trip by myself.  That is going to be rough.  It is not what I have to do, it is what I choose to do.  The one thing I never wanted was to be a burden to my children.  I have been so adamant about that for years and years, ever since my mom would not leave her home for a smaller place.  My sister had no responsibilities except herself so she moved in with my mom.  This has been a terrible experience for her.  Now, I have to help her with this and try to keep myself from being a burden to my children.  My daughter wants me to live with her.  Right now I am so vulnerable I don't know what to do.  My daughter has always said I had to live with her.  She did not give me any option.  Of course I told her no.  I can live by myself.  I can live in a very small apartment, just not this huge house.  I think I am planning too fast.  But, do any of the rest of you feel like you might just "go at any time."  Or is this just the grief.  I have some health problems, but to be honest, as long as I take my MiraLax, I am fine.  Too much information.  I could walk two miles without any trouble, I have no problems getting around.  It has just been five weeks.  Am I just hurrying things?  Sometimes things just seem too much to even think about.

[kevin]

Margaret, I'm going through the same thing, but our time lines are very different........I made up my mind not to do anything of any significance for a year. But most of my dear Angela's  cloths did go to charities......It pays to begin with an end in mind, for myself it is to downsize to something half the size, which means at least half my belongings have to go....Every two weeks one big Orange Garbage leaves the house, simple math makes that 2000 pounds this year.....We had a Forest Fire threaten our town three months ago and were on alert, sure made you think what is important to take with you, and what you would let burn. All I had ready(besides the Dog and Cat) was my computer, documents and stacks of picture albums. When it came down to it material things did not matter, only the memories ........But Margaret, slow down, just a bit, the initial Shock gets us through the first wave , now realization of our journey alone is real...........Your print ..of THE RUMI poster , sorta sums it up......

[Margm]

Thanks Kevin.  I used to believe in magical things, but right now I am just a flat line.  That is ironic because of my congenital tremor, if I drew a flat line, it would at least have a loop or two in it.  Billy didn't even like instant potatoes, I doubt I can get rid of this grief instantly either.  Thanks, I knew I was going too fast, but my mind just goes in circles and gets nowhere.  Of  course, I am going too fast.  His words to me when I had cancer echo often.  If I died, my worry, my pain, all of the problems would be over and those that are left behind, well, now we bear the pain and the worry.  

[MartyT]

Margaret, my dear, you may find these articles of interest:

To Move or Not: Making Decisions in The Wake of Grief

Tips on Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings

[kayc]

I didn't have a problem with the false teeth, I don't even know what happened to his glasses (did I get them from the hospital??), the closet rung broke so I boxed up his clothes that were on it, and I knew right away where he'd want me to donate them.  I had to sell his car, I gave away his trailer way too soon for me, but the other things, I took my time with them.  Do you need to clean out his stuff right now?  If not, there's no time line.  My friend lost his wife 12 years ago and is just now getting rid of some of her clothes!

[Margm]

Thank you Marty.  I have not been able to even look at his pictures yet.  I hope in time they will give me comfort.  I will tell one thing that gives me comfort to remember.  He had never smoked "pot" before and we thought it might make him have an appetite. (We even told his doctor, and he did not advise against it). His first time of smoking it he already could not get around good, without help, but he came running to me looking like a bowlegged cowboy and hugged me.  It brought him to life, for a moment anyhow.  I love that memory.  I will be able to remember other things later my friends tell me.  They walked this path long before I did.  This forum and my friends help me so much.  

[Margm]

Kay, if I was going in the RV I might have to get rid of things.  Eventually, I probably will move into a small apartment.  I have to keep this desk, it was the only piece of furniture he picked out himself.  No, it is no hurry.  I sometimes think I have to do something just to move ahead.  As it is, I can lose myself sometimes in the TV, in certain programs.  No news programs.  I have been known to walk down on Sunday to get the mail.  Now I watch church on TV, so I know when Sunday happens.  I am afraid I will start crying in public places.  Heck, I shed tears at J.C. Penney because I was spending money from his first retirement check since his passing.  I think I will slow down.  I can slow down the body, but the mind won't slow down yet.  

[hollowheart]

Margaret, my sister's whole apartment sits full of her things and I dont' want to get rid of anything. My mom took her iphone and I can't even bring myself to erase her phone so she can use it, even though my Mom kept asking me to. It just feels like I'm 'deleting' her from my life. I have taken some candles, lotions and some food and drinks (just to not go to waste) but she loved to shop and so many things. The idea of going through it all feels massive and I know I want to keep every little thing. Throwing anything away makes me feel like I am throwing her away with it. I can't bear it.

I don't feel like I can 'go at any minute' but I feel like I don't really care about if I live or die. I look toward the future and think about older relatives passing on and having to deal with that alone and not having my sister here with me. I think about one day being the only one left of my immediate family and that terrifies me. I think about where I will move to when I have to leave the family building, I won't have anyone to depend on, to help me. I think that's why I feel like If I died right after my Mom goes it would be just fine as I don't see much of a future for me anyway. I will just be alone. At times I feel like I'm thinking to much, but I never felt this way when my sister was alive as I felt like if nothing else I'd have her for the next 30 years with me. Now my future just looks bleak and lonely and no one understands that.  Today was an awful, sad day for me. I cried off and on all day. I just missed her so much. I just miss the companionship and the relationship we had and the fun silly times I can only have with her. I'm tired of this sadness. I am right there with you on the mind now slowing down. Even if you don't move in with your daughter, maybe you can find an apartment nearby.

Thanks for those links Marty! I can use both of them, especially the one about sorting out belongings. I don't even want to go there yet. Oh Lord help me with that!

 

[scba]

Dear Margaret, I understand it is very soon, but if you need to be closer to family, friends and your roots, just go. Being in a house that hunts you, I see no point of it. But it is my opinion based on my experience, I left everything to be closer to my family, I lived far away and mum brought me back to my home town after 3rd week. Looking back I feel that saved me. still, I miss everything....

[Margm]

Oh I agree.  I will be going there.  I know my daughter will try to hurry things up.  I do have a house I have to get rid of and still am not sure about the money situation.  I think I am okay, but next week will tell the story.  It may be I have to pay for two places until this house is gone.  I just used to think we had all the time in the world.  I guess we all think that at some time or the other.  I will get all my business taken care of before the 2nd week in December and by that time, maybe I will have found something.  I know I have to go help take care of my mother (starting in January) while my sister works, so my daughter and I will swap up times for that and perhaps in between times I can get this house ready.  If I get a place down there I can move a little bit at a time.  Oh heck, my head is going in circles again.  Perhaps that is what I need, other things to take care of too.  

[kevin]

Margaret, in this Economy , maintaining two homes is not a Good idea. You will end up capitulating to sell the vacant house(take a bath) and regret it......My plan is start getting rid of my excess "stuff"....sell existing home next year......then downsize......My problem today is paying for 2000 square feet I don't need,...........Slow and easy wins this race.......

[Margm]

Oh Kevin, my mind goes around in circles all the time.  That is probably why they tell you not to do things for a year.  I do have a lawyer (and I have to go pay her in the morning).  I thought she was just being my friend.  She invited me into her office.  Do you think I am naive?  Of course she is going to charge, no matter if I am a friend.  Oh well, it was no more than a doctor's visit and she did tell me not to do anything for a year.  Honestly, I get in a hurry because I thought Billy and I were both infallible.  We were going to outrun death in our RV.  Bless his heart, we did not know he was so sick and it took him in six weeks.  Lots of decisions going to be thought about, which might help with the grief.  Does anything help with the grief?  I can tell you one thing that helps in some ways and that is hearing from people like you.  You all help me so much.  I wish I could help and hope one of these days I will find the top of the water.  

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, Margaret Mims said:

do any of the rest of you feel like you might just "go at any time."  Or is this just the grief. 

I don't know what it is, Margaret, but yes, I feel that way sometimes.  My body has never felt so unfamiliar and my health problems are extremely magnified now.  It's doubly scary because I am alone now.  No backup like our partners if there was an emergency.

As for getting rid of things, the first thing I did was rid this house of all medical supplies related to the cancer.  One afternoon I loaded all of Steve's clothes except a few things I had to keep for myself for memories and donated them.  His musical instruments went to the people he willed them to.  I got the idea of giving away his grill and was wisely advised to wait by my counsellor.  I was still in shock mode even tho it had been months and she was right.  It's big and the space it would have left would have made things worse.  I'll never use it, but it is not time.  Same for his van.  I have to put it into perspective.  If I can't put away his placemat, how would I deal with a large vehicle gone?  Our house has 2 rooms that are not used now, his office and bathroom.  But I have to walk thru his office for access to the backyard.  I feel strange every time I change the bed.  So many changes when they leave us.  Fir me, he may not be here anymore, but we built this together and being anywhere else would make me feel even more separate from him.  I hope that for all of you finding new places, it is the healing you need.  I truly marvel at each of our survival skills while we are so beaten down with grief.

 

 

 

[scba]

I understood, a year later, that ANY decission we take in this journey doesn't mean that "I'm glad I took the right decission" because we didn't want any of this to happen and the thought that things were supposed to be different will always show up. Every decission is a reminder of what we lost. "Look at my new home" (equals to "I live here because of what happened"). "At least you are with your family" (equals to "I should be with my husband/wife/partner). What I learned is to integrate ambiguity in my life. Acceptance, no. Learning to cope, sometimes. Blurred judgment, a lot. 

 

 

[Margm]

Scba, I looked at pictures of apartments, the modern kitchens, the washers and dryers, and where they used to have given me some joy, they were just white bread, vanilla ice cream.  Good, but nothing exciting.  Plans?  They were made my me and Billy.  Plans for me are just endeavors because "the one who is left must stay."  I used to get so excited over the tiny RV, doll house kitchens.  Excitement now is the sun coming out.  Hope for the future was glorious.  Now it is just a word.  My friends say things will change.  I sincerely hope they will because existing is just existing.  I know I have to make an effort.  Doug Flutie's mom and dad went within an hour of each other.  My son said "Mom, we just could not be able to lose you both."  So, the one who is left, must stay.  Where, why, when, are the same as shoulda, coulda, woulda told to us by his hematologist.  

[scba]

Margaret, it is true, things have lost their colors. But I do hope it will get better. Last week a friend called me and asked me: where would you like to live? what job would you like to do? I was like "errrrr....I don't know" Different to "I don't care", which is what I thought on the early months. So things change but not in a blink of an eye. Life is in slow motion under grief. 

I cannot picture anything beyond two weeks. I know that I cannot stay "still" forever. This is awful. The concept of future doesn't have the same meaning anymore. Another lesson to learn. When I am asked what do I want, I reply "Peace". I don't mind love, happiness, joy and brightness. I want peace in my soul. 

This is very exausting. 

 

[Margm]

Scba, I say my mind is encased in wax, as well as my heart.  I hesitate to say rock, because rock won't melt, and I am sincerely hoping this wax will melt..  Saying my mind is encased in wax is really not true either.  After losing my two best friends and my dad to cancer, one of these friends, her dad to cancer, all while I was fighting it myself, I had survivor's guilt and was under a psychiatrist's care for 15 years.  Mostly, she was a wonderful person just to talk to and while my dad (undiagnosed) had suffered from bipolar, of that I am sure, both of my children were diagnosed with that also.  I was positive it came from me, and I do believe it was inherited from my side of the family.  They do remarkably well, one without medicine because it quells his artistic talents (and he is phenomenal), and the other with artistic talents in photography.  Bipolar can be a blessing and a curse.  They both do very well and they help take care of their mama, something I never wanted to have to happen, but they insist.  During those years with the psychiatrist, she found out I was only suffering from chronic depression, something I have had all my life anyhow.  But, because of the cancer, because of the colon rupture from the radiation so long ago, there are certain medications, foods, alcoholic beverages that I will never be able to imbibe of/in again.  I know my limitations, so the chronic depression just trots on and now it is in the forefront.  But, grief is not a mental illness, is it?  And the brain encased in wax?  Well, it runs in circles, accomplishing nothing, so the wax must have melted at some time or the other and just obstructs my thinking.  I think we all need time.  After Billy's fast demise, I do not have the same feelings I had of outrunning death.  I used to get angry when someone would say "when its your time you will go."  I now am a true believer.  You are correct, "this is very exhausting."  

[Kpl48]

I've donated all of Andre's clothes. Last week I cleaned out our storage shed. I kept photographs and a few other things. I gave his tools away. I was able to do this with help from a good friend and a worker; I paid both of them for their time. I did the clothes when he first died, and the rest over a year after he died. I also had to sell a rental property and our motorhome about four months after he died. I don't know how I did it all, but I'm satisfied it is done. 

Today I'm so sad and depressed, I can't get out of bed. My stepdaughter and grandkids came to visit yesterday. I had a friend come with me. We all spent the day at the zoo and then my family went home. My stepdaughter and I believe when we see a hummingbird, it is Andre. She gave me a hummingbird necklace yesterday and a photo of Andre when he was young. I haven't been able to look at them yet. I'm glad they came, but seeing them has made me miss Andre even more. I've been crying all day. 

Reading all your shares about 'getting rid' of stuff helped me. I'm so grateful we all have each other during this awful time. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you all. 

[Gwenivere]

My cousins wife once told me after he died that the world went from color to shades of gray.  After a year or so she said she began seeing pastels, but nothing like it was.  I had forgotten that til it happened to me.  Of course I see actual color, but my take on living is very dull and without those beautiful sharp colors.  It's been the most accurate way I can describe it to people.  Do you like the red or the blue dress better?  I dunno, they look the same to me.  Ah, look at the beautiful sunset....isn't it grand?  Eh.  Looks like any other now and a prelude to darkness.  It's so hard not taking pleasure in much of anything.  I keep hearing over and over it will come back, but changed.  At this point I will take anything.  Sometimes I feel I am cloaked in an invisible shroud I cannot shed.  I hate it.  Can't get out of it.  People don't see it because they will say I look like I am doing OK.  And that is another thing I tire of hearing as it keeps reminding me of how different I am now. 

scba....truer words were never spoke when you said....

What I learned is to integrate ambiguity in my life. Acceptance, no. Learning to cope, sometimes. Blurred judgment, a lot. 

 

 

[hollowheart]

29 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 It's so hard not taking pleasure in much of anything.  I keep hearing over and over it will come back, but changed.  At this point I will take anything.  Sometimes I feel I am cloaked in an invisible shroud I cannot shed.  I hate it.  Can't get out of it.  People don't see it because they will say I look like I am doing OK.  And that is another thing I tire of hearing as it keeps reminding me of how different I am now. 

 

 

 

 

This is me to a T. I am always sad now, always carrying around a sense of bleakness. Yes I can laugh and joke with someone, but it's almost like a rock getting tossed in the air. My mood can go up but then seconds later it goes right back down to sadness. It's a horrible way to go through day-to-day life. I can't care about anything now. Even disasters in the world, even the drama in Paris. I'm so emotionally spent, not to mention the one person I'd be concerned about it with is not here so I don't have anyone to really discuss it with.

It's exhausting to make myself look "mentally and emotionally presentable" to the world when all I want to do is stay in bed for about a year. Yes, people do say it will come back. So in about 10-15 years I can look forward to feeling better. Yay. It's hard to even hang out with anyone now so in one way I'm kinda glad a few of my friends have disappeared.

And now I have a stupid Christmas work party coming up that is in the evening, cutting into MY TIME. If my office wasn't so small I'd surely slip out and go home as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

[Guest]

Thoughts concerning sunsets:. 1) Deedo paints the beautiful ones just for me. Never mind there have been spectacular sunsets since the beginning of time. Sunsets are my time to talk with Deedo and keep her abreast of what's happening with the kids. Also as a prelude to darkness that means it is only a short amount of time until I can go to bed to hopefully sleep. I existed another day. That's one less day to endure without her. 

Re: giving things away. For me the clothes were not that difficult but then I needed to clean out the apartment and used it to weed out my clothes as well as hers. My problem is our house. It was Deedo's house. Every knickknack, every decoration screams Deedo. If I start cleaning out everything that is her I'll be living in an empty house. 

Had the electrician out last week. He assumed I had several grandkids living with me as he went from the Christmas room to the Neverland room to the Disney room to the Hobbit room (my den). It was all Deedo. 

[kevin]

[kayc]

True, Kevin, it's all in our attitude and focus.

[Gwenivere]

Brad....I read this.....

Had the electrician out last week. He assumed I had several grandkids living with me as he went from the Christmas room to the Neverland room to the Disney room to the Hobbit room (my den). It was all Deedo. 

.....and I have to say, Deedo must have been quite the kid at heart.  What energy that must have taken to create such wonderful rooms.  
 

[KarenK]

Tomorrow, my son & I are having another yard sale. He finally got a Saturday off. We don't have a lot left, so I'm trying to sell a few pieces of furniture. Less stuff to hassle with when I lose my home, I guess. I also went through my 17 boxes(down from 35) of Christmas decorations which we collected for our entire lives together. So many memories. I remember buying each one. I remember the "spur of the moment"  weekend flight to San Diego , shopping at the Embarcadero, my son surfing in the freezing water. I feel as if I am erasing my life. Some of Ron's favorites, I just can't part with. My daughter is dead, my son & grandkids don't want them, so someday a person at Goodwill will get some very nice things. It just makes me so sad.