Holiday Emptiness

[Gwenivere]

There was a time I was an elf about the holidays.  We would go all out with the tree and lights and many other things.  We eventually trimmed that down to the perfect thanksgiving and Christmas for us.  Now that Steve is gone and I have been using the TV for background noise I am being deluged with either the Norman Rockwell images or the messages to buy, buy, buy.  I try my best to tune them out but they have rekindled a few things I didn't think about.  One being I will never get or give Steve another card for any occasion.  Presents were fun, but we had a thing about cards sometimes altering them to fit a joke or silly poem.  Even buying ones from to dogs to 'mom and dad'.  I'll never see his handwriting again.  Those little things become enormous when we lose them.  

We also spent them alone having no close family and friends got tedious with all the activity.  

So what was once a tradition and very perfect ones for us is now tremendous voids coming.  Our birthdays were in there too so that meant a dinner out that was special.  They are both in November so we just did one to combine them.

i have had to think about this as it is all around me.   Ugh, stores and displays that never bothered me before even tho we had so simplified things.  It was a time set aside to really just hang out together and memories of the past were nice of how we enjoyed them from doing it all and how we trimmed things down just for us.  I know a couple of people that never celebrated the holidays and now I wish that had been the case for me.  It's what all the talk is about.  Plans I hear all around me.  Now and then someone asks me forgetting I am alone now.  Yes, I have the memories and maybe someday that will be tolerable.  But now they are like salt in the wound.  No one understands why I don't want to go anywhere.  But being around happy people just makes cry because I cannot feel that.  It's an alien emotion to me right now.  

Writing stuff out is amazing because after the above I see it was the time we spent in our way that was so special.  We had downgraded to a 2 foot tree and 1 present each.  It was us and the furry kids.  No muss, no fuss.  Thanksgiving Steve did a turkey, but Christmas was a take and bake pizza.  It was candlelight on both nights, especially Christmas Eve.  It was so simple.  It was....ours.  Memories are not going to be welcome yet.  So the dilemma is survival yet again.  

I don't hate the holidays.  I just don't fit anymore.  

[kevin]

Pretty depressing day all round.......didn't have the get up and go to get to Church...... But even the Christmas card thing is difficult because it was a joint thing, now like you say we are a "shell" , everything is fake for me or a Mechanical heartless exercise....I believe this will change in a few years. My tree is up, I measured it..."4 feet", star is the last foot....My Christmas will be Baked Chicken and a can of Cranberries.......And of course I agree with your last sentences.........positive side, I'm available at the Shelter

[kayc]

I remember feeling that way also.  Even now it's hard having George gone.  My eye is flaring up again and I'm hoping I can get a doctor's appt. tomorrow because the rest of the week does not look good for driving (it's about 105 miles round trip to the doctor).  I have to work at the church (Treasury) so will have to work it in somehow.  Was hoping to do some of it today but got hit with a choir practice I hadn't been told about yet.  My point is, when George was alive, he would have drove me, as it is, things like this seem like a big deal.

My Thanksgiving will likely be everyday fare.  Lonely and boring!

[hollowheart]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  I know a couple of people that never celebrated the holidays and now I wish that had been the case for me...I don't hate the holidays.  I just don't fit anymore.  

This is now I felt, not about the holidays, but about how close and how much time I spent with my sister. I started thinking 'I wish she wasn't such a big part of my everyday so this wouldn't hurt so bad' but people told me don't say that because those were fantastic times while I had them. So your Christmases are treasured memories even though they hurt to think about now, but try not to wish you had never had them.

But overall I feel pretty much the same about the holidays. I used to love the holiday commercials and decorations. Now they just remind me of my loss and that void and that one person who I enjoyed the season with the most is not here. That's what hurts the most. We loved the holidays and shopping and Black Friday shopping and gift giving and decorating, we were the two that cared the most, so doing it alone just feels so empty, not to mention I only shopped for her and my mom and maybe one or two other relatives, but mostly her and my Mom so I feel like what is the point now? Also, both me and my moms birthdays are in December close to Christmas and she always joked that she had to be organized to get us Christmas and birthday gifts and she always made a point to do it and make a big deal, especially for me, as she was the only person who really knew my tastes and likes.  No one will do that for me anymore.

I think I can honestly say I hate the holidays now. They feel like an annoyance to me now, like a lingering guest that is staying to long. My sister was my main social outlet. We always made holiday shopping plans, loving to be out even on Christmas Eve in the hustle and bustle just to be out and enjoying the city and stores and the time together. It means nothing alone as I have no one to share it with, also it would be torture to be out among groups, pairs and families enjoying each other. Why bother? I felt like I had a purpose during the season--hunting for the perfect gifts for her and my mom, changing up decorations, matching wrapping paper and gift bags, just enjoying the sales, the season, etc. Not to mention the vacation time we always took around the holidays was even more time spent hanging out together. Everything now just reminds me she is gone and I still can't believe it. I can't believe my dear sister is not here anymore. Gutted.

[Guest Janka]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There was a time I was an elf about the holidays.  We would go all out with the tree and lights and many other things.  We eventually trimmed that down to the perfect thanksgiving and Christmas for us.  Now that Steve is gone and I have been using the TV for background noise I am being deluged with either the Norman Rockwell images or the messages to buy, buy, buy.  I try my best to tune them out but they have rekindled a few things I didn't think about.  One being I will never get or give Steve another card for any occasion.  Presents were fun, but we had a thing about cards sometimes altering them to fit a joke or silly poem.  Even buying ones from to dogs to 'mom and dad'.  I'll never see his handwriting again.  Those little things become enormous when we lose them.  

Dear Gwen!

In the 11th of November,the day of my beloved Jan´s anniversary,I prepared things to my work.At that time I found a writing block of me and my beloved Jan.I put it on my chair near the piano that my beloved Jan bought me for Christmas 2010.I´ve been so happy seeing his handwriting again.It´s so lovely and looks as well as he was writing then.These small things do mean enormously much to me.Every time I look inside,I see that evening he was writing in.It was the last autumn together,autumn 2011 and we already planned a travel to Venezia in Italy to make a reservation in hotel because of carnival we looked forward to.This is what the pain does to me.These are the things that make me close to tears thinking of what we would have had...we would have done...all of those things I miss so much...I still cry for him and always will.I love him for eternity!

Hugs from Janka

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Janka, I still have cards, notes and other things Steve wrote.  I will treasure them always.  What I will miss is there not being anymore.  And that I can't do the same for him.  I'm glad you have found something that keeps Jan close to you.  

[KarenK]

Because our primary chef can no longer share a meal with us, my son, grandson, and I will do the best we can to duplicate his special dinner. It won't be as good. There will always be a certain sadness in the air, I suppose. I will especially miss the holiday call from my daughter.

I may put up my tiny tree, but there will be no presents. I can barely buy groceries. This is supposed to be a time to give thanks. I'm still searching for something to be thankful for.

[kevin]

[KarenK]

Thank you, Kevin.

I'm sorry to sound like "doom and gloom" all the time. It is simply the way I feel. My soul is shattered and I cannot seem to glue it back together again.

Peace to you.

Karen

[enna]

Oh, Karen, how can your soul not be shattered with all you have gone through ~the loss of your Ron, your precious daughter, selling your home up north, and so many other things related to grief. It is so hard for those of us who are grieving to find things to be grateful for. It is a daily struggle. My heart starts to beat faster just thinking about the holidays. I know there will be sad times as I watch others celebrate. We do the best we can and I say, "let that be enough." 

Anne

[hollowheart]

KarenK, I'm so sorry for your losses, my heart breaks for you as it does for all of us. I also think, 'what do I have to be thankful for?' Nothing. I also nodded when you said you can barely buy groceries. It took me a month before I could get back to the store, if my Mom wasn't cooking I probably would have barely ate. While I have a couple of relatives I could still buy gifts for, I have no Christmas Spirit to even do that. I loved gift hunting and shopping for my sister was a big part of that because we knew each others tastes very well and I loved trying to find something to surprise her with as well as receiving gifts from her.

Christmas is a lot of work, when you think about it. It's a lot of effort to decorate, gift shop, wrap presents, send cards. That takes a certain amount of mental and physical energy and we use up our allotment just getting out of bed and getting dressed. For me, getting through the day without crying is an accomplishment. Also, constant thoughts of those we lost is exhausting. Our minds always working wears us thin.

 

[scba]

I don't enjoy holidays since my grandpa passed 20 years ago. We would gather at his big home, 40 guests, lots of fun. When he died, relatives started to fight over his money and that was the end of the big family. 

When I was living with my boyfriend, we would spend holidays separated because it was the only time of the year that I could travel to meet my family. I missed him and wished we could be all together the next year. Other times I spent holidays with my inlaws, but I missed my family. It never felt complete. We promised that one day we would all be together as a big family. It won't ever happen. It's too late now.

Some friends want me to join for a pre-holiday party for a toast. Some are pregnant, another got married, others are building their new home. I spent this year trying not to wish to die every day (not suicide, you know what I mean). Can I toast for this achievement in a crowd of happy people? I don't believe in wishes anymore. If I go, I'll have to fake a mask "self-help book" type of enlightment, wisdom, and quotes of hopes in front of people who wants us behave properly and be thankful in social situations. I guess I can't. 

Sincerely, I want to cancel holidays from my life. They were very nice when I was a child. They are beautiful when there are children to spoil with presents and stories. 

[hollowheart]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

Thank you, Kevin.

I'm sorry to sound like "doom and gloom" all the time. It is simply the way I feel. My soul is shattered and I cannot seem to glue it back together again.

Peace to you.

Karen

This is why I stay on this forum so much. You can only be gloomy with others who get it and are that way. I believe my friends are now tired of me.

[Kpl48]

Today is my second day in bed. I'm so overwhelmed by my grief, I just can't find a reason to get up. I wish I would die. Life without my husband Andre is so painful. When I'm out with people I do feel better, but alone I cry and ache. The holidays must be affecting me too. The only feelings I have when I'm alone are ones of heartache and grief. It's been over a year now. People tell me I'm doing so much better. I don't feel like it. I just want to die. 

[KATPILOT]

I know I can't say much to ease the pain Kpl48 but the second year is often worse than the first so brighter days are coming.    I call feeling better when out with others a distraction from grief. That is not so bad an idea about now. For what it's worth I know what it means to wish you could die. I wanted it in the worst way. I wished, no I even prayed I would die.   The pain is just that hard to take. But it slowly went away. It will happen for you too. try and keep faith in that. 

All of us must be aware of how the holiday season brings depression. We are missing a critical part of "merry". Slowly over the years I have found purpose and joy with Christmas even though it still has it's trigger moments. For my wife and I it was the most magical time of year. My birthday happens at that time too and she always made it special. One year I came home from work to an empty house. On my nightstand was a freshly made drink. On the bed a new outfit was laid out with a note telling me to get cleaned up, change, and be ready for a car to pick me up. I was taken to a resort where she was waiting having a dinner and room set up.  That was who she was. That was the last Christmas we would spend together. Let me tell you, those days are hell and gone. The next Christmas and birthday would be my new life. I have been crawling out of despair ever since and while it's not the same, not even close, I find some joy. I just had to look really, really, hard.

Something to complain about? or something to be grateful for. Huh Kevin?   When you find that one piece of joy in a shattered world and you realize you found it by yourself, that's when you know there will be more waiting to be discovered and that you are inching your way out of sorrow. And you will find it. That's a promise.

[hollowheart]

KPI48, I truly know how you feel. I know I shouldn't say it like that, but believe me, I did the EXACT same thing for days. I'd stay in the bed and when I did have to get up and go out I'd come right back and get right back in the bed. I didnt' want to wake up. I would have been just fine going to sleep and not waking up just so I didn't have to deal with this despair and these thoughts anymore.

So many times during the day I want to call or text my sister, but can't. I want to take a pic of something I saw in a store and send it to her, but can't. I want to make shopping plans with her, but I can't. It's an awful, horrible, depressing feeling to not have my best friend and the one who gets me not available. I also believe the holidays are making it worse.

KatPilot, my birthday is in December too, and my sister was the only one who really made a big deal. There was always some big movie coming out around then and we'd go to see it. I will not feel that special birthday love anymore. When I'm alone I groan and cry, it's hard to concentrate on anything. It's tough to say when it will get better. No one wants to hear 'oh in about 6 years you'll feel like yourself again'. I feel like you just have to go through this heartache and grief. I feel like as time goes on it gets worse, I feel it. The longing for her makes me very anxious. It's hell when someone is just...gone.

Can you talk to a therapist? I know talking about it has helped me because no one wants to hear me go on about except for a therapist. Don't force things on yourself and don't try to be happy when you aren't. If you want to stay in bed and cry, do it. Getting it out helps. I'm so sorry, I wish we had never come to know each other in this terrible nightmare.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, scba said:

 I spent this year trying not to wish to die every day (not suicide, you know what I mean). Can I toast for this achievement in a crowd of happy people? I don't believe in wishes anymore. If I go, I'll have to fake a mask "self-help book" type of enlightment, wisdom, and quotes of hopes in front of people who wants us behave properly and be thankful in social situations. I guess I can't. 

Sincerely, I want to cancel holidays from my life. They were very nice when I was a child. They are beautiful when there are children to spoil with presents and stories. 

I relate totally to what you are saying.  I can only tolerate being around happy people for a very brief time.  Mostly because it takes to much energy to fake it being OK for them, but also knowing I will be going home alone to an empty house without the person that made me happy.

I have, in my mind, essentially cancelled the holidays.  They are now days I just want to over so everyone will go back to their normal lives as that is hard enough to relate to right now.  But all this jolly stuff?  Totally lost on me now.  I am supposed to go to a woman's house on thanksgiving and I only am so my dogs can play with hers and get some interaction beside me.  I already know I can't do the dinner chit chat.  

As for wanting to die, get that too.  It's hard to be alive when you feel like you already have.

[hollowheart]

7 hours ago, scba said:

Some friends want me to join for a pre-holiday party for a toast. Some are pregnant, another got married, others are building their new home. I spent this year trying not to wish to die every day (not suicide, you know what I mean). Can I toast for this achievement in a crowd of happy people? I don't believe in wishes anymore. If I go, I'll have to fake a mask "self-help book" type of enlightment, wisdom, and quotes of hopes in front of people who wants us behave properly and be thankful in social situations. I guess I can't. 

Sincerely, I want to cancel holidays from my life. They were very nice when I was a child. They are beautiful when there are children to spoil with presents and stories. 

Ugh, I can only imagine what they will be talking about all night. Baby stuff, decorating the new home, etc. And you will have to sit there with a fake smile. Even when my sister was living I would have been annoyed by this type of party.  I always loved the holidays. I don't think they are just for children. I was always a little let down when I told my friend about gift shopping for my sister and she would look at me crazy like why would I buy something for an adult. She was also very frugal and didn't see the point in "wasting money" like that. Just because we are grown doesn't mean we don't want presents. I mean, come on!

Holidays are so joyous and about sharing the moments with others, especially loved ones. For me it's lost all the luster and color when I see so many things I want to share with my sister and can't. I loved just being out and seeing what was in the stores, enjoying the joy of the season, the events. I love living in a big city. But with no one to enjoy it with it's horrible, especially seeing other people enjoying it with their family and friends and I'm out there alone. It just makes me sad that I have no purpose during the holidays anymore and no real joy. I have no genuine happiness and never will again.

[Guest]

Gwenivere

I'm in the same place re: holidays. Plan on as little recognition as possible in that I just don't have the energy to even fake it. No lights, tree, decorations. Just want them to be ordinary days, nothing more and those days are hard enough to make through. 

[kayc]

[Gwenivere]

Knowing me, I will probably put out our little 2 foot tree.  I love the lights and all I have to do is take it out of he bag and plug it in.  I don't think I can take a Christmas morning that bare.  I did that last year, but I was in shock.  It's hard to make decisions about it because either way it's going to hurt.

[Guest]

Regarding choices: in my prior life, the one where Deedo brightened my every morning with her infectious spirit, I lived daily by the attitude that each day would happen and I could either embrace the day or dread the day. Consequently every day was a wonderful day. I was in love, adored my wife, had a job I cherished, nothing could dampen the joy I felt. 

Now I struggle to find much to find even minute contentment. Each day I struggle to maintain. I doubt I will ever wake up to the joy I found for thirty-seven years but I do so look forward to the day I awake with something other than this all consuming funk. 

[hollowheart]

I woke up mad and sad this morning. Sad just in general, that is my regular mood nowadsays. sad because I miss her.  But mad that our holiday routine has been disrupted forever. Mad this happened to her and me. We looked forward to days off to hang together and catch up on movies, TV shows and shopping. Now there are no plans to be had, no one to spend all those free hours with. and this will go on and on until I die, it's not like it's just this year. It's forever. I'm tired of feeling down all the time.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Brad said:

 

Now I struggle to find much to find even minute contentment. Each day I struggle to maintain. I doubt I will ever wake up to the joy I found for thirty-seven years but I do so look forward to the day I awake with something other than this all consuming funk. 

Isn't that the worst?  I get so weary of it day after day even tho I know why it is happening.  I really want to fast forward thru tomorrow and the holiday talk.  I turned down a dinner invite because I can't fake that dinner chit chat stuff.  I am taking the dogs over to play with the persons dogs and make an exit.  They need some time to be the happy critters they are.  I get impatient about the funk, but like you, after 37 years it's impossible to expect any kind of peace in a year.  Our lives were built on that relationship.  It's what we knew.  When it ends all the ways it was a part of us start coming out down to the smallest things.  I noticed a trash can in the way that is never used anymore and was going to put it in the garage.  Had to put it back.  That little empty space became huge.  So we fumble our way thru another day.  It is knowing now that it will always be lacking that I struggle with. There is no magical end when we are what?  Cured?  Healed?  Whatever people think is supposed to happen at some point so we are as we were.  It will never happen.  We'll get maybe less funky.  I hope so.  

[Guest]

I just returned from my granddaughter's first kindergarten program. What a bittersweet event. Watching her and her classmates preform as only five-year-olds can but missing so poignantly the one who truly would have fully enjoyed the moment. Smiles, laughs and tears. Realizing that every moment will be tainted by the hole that cannot be filled.