hollowheart Posted December 22, 2015 Report Share Posted December 22, 2015 5 hours ago, Froggie4635 said: ...all I want for Christmas is something that I can't have...and it is heartbreaking. and frustrating and soul crushing 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 22, 2015 Report Share Posted December 22, 2015 4 hours ago, Brad said: When you know who is buying your breakfast you say Thank you and forget about it. When you don't know you think about it and get the warm fuzzy all over again. I wouldn't forget that. I"d always remember that random man that paid for my breakfast. I'd tell that story many times. It would be even more memorable if it was done during the holidays. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 22, 2015 Report Share Posted December 22, 2015 5 hours ago, Brad said: I've avoided all Christmas movies and songs as much as possible as well. I change for me since up until this year Christmas music started on November 1 and movies too. I love Christmas movies and Christmas music. "Christmas Vacation" and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" are my favorite. All of that lost meaning this year, and I don't suppose the coming years will be any different. That does bother me because it's my favorite holiday and near the middle and later in the year that is what I used to look forward too, the upcoming holidays. Now I feel like what do I have to look forward to? I did look at A Charlie Brown Christmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 22, 2015 Report Share Posted December 22, 2015 I've try not to run away from Christmas. Sometimes it is tolerable, but all in all its tough. It's like that saying....don't think about an elephant. So what do you do? Think about elephants! I just let the holiday happen. I won't be watching any of our special movies or playing holiday music, hear enough of that in stores and on TV. oh, and ads for gifts for your true love and best friend. As many wise people have said, just go with ones own flow. It's all we can really do. Anticipation is my enemy. The mind is not always a good friend when it comes to that. But it kinda makes sense since we are faced with the unthinkable. It's pretty pissed off send lonely too. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted December 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 22, 2015 Well, December 22 and the Christmas grinch has struck. The lights on my tiny tree have quit working. I ordered 2 video games for my grandson from Best Buy on Nov. 27 and have been checking periodically for their arrival at the store. Always told they will be here soon. Got an email today saying order was cancelled as availability is unknown. This is not catastrophic, but any inconvenience is magnified, as you all know. I have reordered the games from Walmart, which will not be here until Jan. 4, and plan to go look for a tiny light strand later. I don't send cards anymore as there is no one left. I got a card though, from my ex(Debbie's dad) and family. Funny that he's the only one who thinks of me. Hope everyone has a pleasant Christmas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 Karen, the grinch must be very busy. I found out my insurance is changing, all the enrollment forms are geared to the employee who was my husband so I haven't a clue how to fill them out and get the info to Cobra. Like I needed this while trying to handle the holidays? And all has to be done by the 28th. So, while I was hoping to just have to deal with my emotions I have to go into business mode. There is nothing more frustrating when you have proactively did the work on your gifts and have that mucked up. They will get there, but it's never as fun as having them for the actual holiday. I don't know how old your grandson is, but hopefully he will u derstand. Maybe there is an advantage that young people are used to this online stuff and things going south sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 Brad, actually, wet heavy snow is the worst! It's the hardest to shovel, it's like shoveling wet cement. I wouldn't want you to have a heart attack though! And since my patio roof was destroyed by high winds yesterday, it will get all over it as well...with rails around it, it'll be hard to get off. Ahh well, don't sweat the small stuff, right?! I'd love to cook a turkey for Christmas, but being alone...I think I'll wait until my kids can come up. At least I'm safe and snug inside a warm house with the fire going and my dog and cats here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 Karen, When you've had kids together, whether the marriage lasts or not, I think you do think of each other...not as in wanting them back, but in a caring way, how could you not? I hope WM does better with the video games, I'm sorry it was delayed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 Kayc- Glad you are safe and warm. I am not fond of storms with high winds. Most of our snows in the White Mtns are of the wet, heavy kind. Our temps are pretty moderate so we rarely get the nice dry powder I experienced growing up in Utah- they really do get great snow there. In lieu of turkey for Christmas Da, I think my son and I will put on the parkas and bbq up some rib eye steaks. Forecast is for five days of frozen mix- too cold to rain and too warm to snow; just continuing slush. Typical Arizona Winter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 OMG, barbeque steaks?! It's a good thing you're not in Oregon, I'd smell it and hunt you down! My electricity just came back on, what a day/night!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 We gave up traditional food for Christmas a long time ago since it was just us and we really got into Thanksgiving. Our indulgence was a take and bake pizza and I intend to do that this year as well. Easy, decadent and always some leftover for another meal. Meets the qualifications for a holiday meal. Ribeyes sound awesome too. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 I'm leaving this early evening on the start of my Christmas journey back "home" to Michigan.....staying at a hotel near the airport tonight and flying out in early morning tomorrow. It will feel so very strange to be flying alone! I have some trepidation, I've been kind of a hermit since Connor's passing.....it will be a bit daunting to be out in public so much, if that's understandable. But overall, I am looking forward to seeing my kids, grandkids, and other family/friends, I've not been with them for Christmas for a decade. Will be bittersweet without Connor, I'm a bit worried about getting overly weepy/emotional, but everyone tells me not to worry, they will understand, and they want me there, very much. So off I go, shaky nerves & all....!!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 3 hours ago, WolfsKat said: It will feel so very strange to be flying alone! I have some trepidation, I've been kind of a hermit since Connor's passing.....it will be a bit daunting to be out in public so much, if that's understandable. I totally understand this. Right after my sister passed I became a recluse only going out to make the arrangements. When I had to go back to work it felt very weird and scary, like going out into the world for the first time. I had obviously done it a million times before, but I felt "alone" this time and it felt very scary. I just wanted to hole up and never emerge again. As far as being ready for Christmas, I'm sick right now. I have a bad cough, runny nose and feeling a chest cold coming on. I'm glad to have the holiday time off just to relax, although I didn't want to be sick during the break, I wanted to do at least one fun thing. And staying home all 4 days might be to much without nothing really to do. Even though my Mom will be home, she's a TV Zombie and not even anything I want to watch at that. So I'd still be alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 Hollowheart, I am so very sorry that you are sick! I hope you will recover rapidly, and hopefully, have at least some good feeling come your way this Christmas! Bless you, and take good care of yourself, you are worth it!!! Kat 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 6 minutes ago, WolfsKat said: Hollowheart, I am so very sorry that you are sick! I hope you will recover rapidly, and hopefully, have at least some good feeling come your way this Christmas! Bless you, and take good care of yourself, you are worth it!!! Kat Thanks Kat! I'm still hoping to see Star Wars, but I'm torn. Everyone says it's really good which breaks my heart my sister is not here to enjoy it. We saw all the others at the show. And I don't know if I will enjoy it, constantly thinking about how she has to miss it. But it's hard avoiding spoilers. Ugh!!! Just makes me scream "WHYYY?!?" I'm at work now and can not wait to go right back and put on my pajamas. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted December 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 WolfsKat, Have a pleasant flight and enjoyable time with your family. I know it will be comforting to be among them, even if feeling sad at times. The great majority of my flying was done with Ron and it did feel strange when he was not with me on my flight to Kentucky to visit my daughter. The worst flight was returning home after I had unexpectedly buried her. Even though all of Debbie's Kentucky family and friends had been most gracious to me, I could not wait to get off that plane and be comforted by my son. I expect my flying days are over. Hollowheart, Please feel better and see the movie in honor of your sister. I remember when the first "Star Wars" debuted. I was working and my mother and Ron stood in line for hours to take Debbie to it. She was 12 years old. So sad, all three are gone now. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 Thanks Karen. I'm feeling a bit of holiday guilt. Before my sisters passing, way back at the end of September early October I was already thinking of Christmas and getting a jump start on shopping and such. I was going to get christmas cards for all the staff and I had planned on giving them each a $5 gift card to some place, if I had hints of places they'd like I was going to do that. The staff is small so I wasn't going to mind spending the money. Then my sister passed and I got out of the Christmas spirit and I was all about my grief and sad and my Christmas head start got away from me and I didn't feel like doing anything. In the last couple of days I got some very nice gifts, even got a gift from some staff members. People at my sisters job sent me and my mom $100 and a christmas card with lovely notes inside. I had planned on sending them all a Christmas card as well. I feel horrible that I just couldn't get it together and then to receive gifts knowing that I had planned on giving these people something and just couldn't get outside my sadness long enough to really focus on such things makes it worse. I'd think about it, but just had no energy to focus on shopping and organizing and planning and all that. Has anyone ever felt like this? I'm mainly doing a big Homer Simpsons D'oh because I had plans to do something and didn't and everyone's generosity makes me feel bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 HollowHeart - I'm in the same boat except I never planned on gifts and cards once Deedo died. My focus has been to get from October 23 to January 2nd as fast and as painlessly as possible. This year you need to give yourself permission to make it all about you. Gifts and cards do not need to be reciprocated. Just enjoy the thoughtfulness of others and know that the day will come when you will be able to reciprocate. Don't feel bad just know that others are thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 KayC.......wet snow like cement...perfectly said. Years ago the wet snow also took down a fibre glass deck roof I had on Christmas Day, heard a crash, and couldn't open the back door.......Best snow was that northern powder, used one of those super big "sled" shovels ,,,pushes/slides a lot without much effort............. Driving down town to find a small Turkey........the Dog and I will feast for a few days......Hope your power stays up more than its off....... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 23, 2015 Report Share Posted December 23, 2015 Well folks, this is Louisiana weather. We had the AC on all day, even in the truck. Tornado warnings were out till 1:00 p.m. Kinda suits my mood. Bah humbug! I hear rap music loud down the street. I feel a Grinch attack. I gave good presents, did not wrap any of them and gave them randomly. No one seemed to mind or expect anything else. This was Billy's holiday. This is why we called him Billy the Kid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 24, 2015 Report Share Posted December 24, 2015 11 hours ago, hollowheart said: Thanks Kat! I'm still hoping to see Star Wars, but I'm torn. Everyone says it's really good which breaks my heart my sister is not here to enjoy it. I'd like to see SW too, but I don't like to go to the movies alone. I'll wait for netflix. I hope you will get well soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 24, 2015 Report Share Posted December 24, 2015 I will be thinking of each of you who are travelling with me through this path, and I want to thank you for your words and understanding. I consider this forum a special friend and I'm learning a lot about your stories and from your reflections Our spouses are holding our hands. I wish you peace. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 24, 2015 Report Share Posted December 24, 2015 6 hours ago, hollowheart said: Has anyone ever felt like this? I'm mainly doing a big Homer Simpsons D'oh because I had plans to do something and didn't and everyone's generosity makes me feel bad. The people that truly matter in your life will understand that we are not in a place where traditions are necessarily on our radar. It isn't a contest and yes, we would like to feel that giving feeling. If we do, great. If not, I accept that someone thought of me and can thank them for that. Feeling bad about others generosity kinda defeats what they wanted to convey when you think about it. Don't take that away from them. If they expected something in return, then they missed the point. This is an opportunity to try and take what little (or more) pleasure from others caring. Just my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 24, 2015 Report Share Posted December 24, 2015 I personally find it hard to just say thank you. I always want to pay it back so instead I try to pay it forward frequently. Debi wanted me to share her love with everyone and to assure you "I (she) will be back!" This week has been rough working ten hours daily and trying to take care of her husband's business. It's challenging enough here but could you imagine a bureaucracy that operates in multiple languages? Ugh! Merry Christmas if there is such s thing anymore. (Okay Eeyore time for an attitude adjustment.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 24, 2015 Report Share Posted December 24, 2015 I'm on autopilot. I'm cooking and trying not to think. I will let autopilot be enough for today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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