Ready For Christmas, Sort Of................

[KarenK]

Well, I guess I am as ready as I will be for Christmas. My tiny tree is in the corner on a buffet server flanked by my old time Christmas wreath and my beautiful angel carousel. The carousel still plays the songs, but it no longer turns and the glass mirrored doors do not open to display the tiny angel. This saddens me, but there are parts of me that don't work as well as they used to. Expensive to repair, so I will try it myself after Christmas. It is 15 years old and one of the special gifts Ron gave me. I also set out my Christmas bear with the angel wings. He plays "Hark The Herald Angels Sing" on his little violin as the wings move and change colors. I bought that one for myself. These are simply not things I can put in a yard sale for $2.

Then I wrapped my meager 6 gifts. That's when I was blindsided. I reuse boxes and bows. I'm not cheap, just thrifty. I got past the one that still had the tag"To Robert"(our son) from "Dad", but was almost derailed when I used the one that read "To Mom, From Debra". It held the lightweight robe I am wearing now, the last Christmas gift ever from my daughter.

Just another one of those blasted things that sneak up on you. I don't cry anymore, but the sadness will be here forever.

[kayc]

Karen,

I'm sorry you're missing your daughter, as well as Ron.  I hope you can get your carousel fixed.  No you can't let go of these things!

I probably wouldn't have put up a tree in the beginning but for my kids.  My son cut it down with me, and my daughter helped me decorate it.  In subsequent years I've been on my own for the decorating and now my son doesn't come here for Christmas anymore and my daughter doesn't get back to me so I don't know if she's coming.  But I haven't missed a year putting up a tree.  George loved everything about Christmas, he loved everything about ALL holidays!  I have to do this for him, for us.  It was really hard the first few years, putting on his ornaments, so many memories!  Now I put them on and it reminds me of the greatest love ever known and all of the memories we jam-packed into our short few years together.  I spent 23 years with my kids' dad and all of that time added up didn't equal one day with George.  There's George's ornament that looked just like his fishing hat.  And a measuring stick with a fish on it (he loved fishing).  There the first ornament I bought him...his first ever!  There's our first Christmas one, and the second, etc.  There's the hand blown glass one he carried back on the plane from Florida, afraid to let it out of his hands for fear it'd get broken.  There's the one he bought me at Crater Lake.  So many memories...they signify our life together like a memory book.

[hollowheart]

Karen, we re-reuse gift bags as well, but only within our immediate family. If the bags and even the tissue paper is especially pretty and matching we save it and reruse. Nothing wrong with that. So I definitely got when you came across the tags. That has happened to me in the past as well. I'm so sorry that happened, it was a shock you didn't need.

I feel I am bracing myself for Christmas, but at the same time I'm kinda tired of preparing myself for the brace. I almost feel like we're all preparing for our execution. I didn't put up a tree. The idea of pulling it out, the ornaments, tree skirt....it was just to much work when there was no happiness involved. I have a couple gifts but have not wrapped anything. I just want to cancel it. I already feel like Christmas Morning will feel like the day of my death.

I'm glad you still have the carousel. Precious memories!

[Guest]

This Christmas I gave myself permission to really minimize Christmas.  I only have a few decorations up, no lights, no tree; they will come in later years.  Shopping was for a few cards and gift cards.  They've been mailed so Christmas hopefully will be like the day before and the day after.  Youngest boy is coming home so we will eat out a lot.  It will be nice having company at meal time.  Food always tastes better when mixed with conversation.

[Kpl48]

I'm not looking forward to Christmas. I'm going away for three days with my neighbor who is also a widow. She is kinda cheerful (I think she makes herself be that way although she understands that I'm not). It'll be different. I'm sure I'll cry and be lonely for Andre. I can read and write here and call a few friends. Last Christmas I barely remember as it was 3 months after my husband died. My cousin came to my home for a few days which was nice. She's coming in January to start the New Year. How I wish Andre was here. But he isn't. I'm crying now. 

[Gwenivere]

45 minutes ago, Kpl48 said:

Last Christmas I barely remember as it was 3 months after my husband died. My cousin came to my home for a few days which was nice. She's coming in January to start the New Year. How I wish Andre was here. But he isn't. I'm crying now. 

Same for me.  It was only 2 months after Steve died.  I was still in shock so the day is a blurred memory.  This year I am fully aware.  I find Christmas stuff is s trigger, not that I need any more.  I only put out our tiny tree for the lights because I know waking up that morning without it would be worse.  Have no idea what to expect.  It is the anticipation that is always the worst fit me.  Getting cards in the mail with sentiments that remind m too.  It's nice people do it, but tough to read.  I'll be alone with the dogs.  To me the holidays are illuminating grief with bright lights and garland just making it more glaring.  

[kevin]

I'm ready, bags are packed, like Brad, the big kids and grandkids all get gift cards but the little ones(2) got special gifts. Which the airlines soak me for an extra piece of luggage to bring them on board....I find, if I keep myself busy things will be close to normal....visiting everyone, watching a couple of Hockey games together, and a small pre Christmas party rounds out my plans........now the downside,  I return to the big empty house prior to the big day. I decided to be alone for this first Christmas because I know I will be in  a  more reflective mood, not festive......... But I did get all the decorations up....neighborhood looks good.

[Guest]

Kevin - you are a better man than I.  I just want to go to sleep and wake up any time after January 2nd.  Not being able to do that I'm pretending Christmas doesn't exist any more than I need to.

[kevin]

Brad, I get some good idea's and inspiration from some of your stories and Pictures.......I am sure that fortified EggNog will be part of my Christmas........take care

[Guest]

Kevin

The fortified egg nog is a must. Thanks for planting the seed. 

[Gwenivere]

I have a bottle of my favorite wine waiting to take me away for a little bit.  My present to myself and to chill out the mind that just won't take a break.  ?

[scba]

I enjoyed Xmas when my grandpa was alive, he gathered the big family around his table. After his passing the tradition ended. I could never feel Xmas spirit again.

I fear New Year. I'm receiving messages (addressed not only to me) that express "wishing you an amazing year" "may your dreams come true"....

[Margm]

Being with family on Christmas is a tradition that has never been broken, in my life.  Family has been diluted, but my mom is now 94 and thank goodness her legs are not workable because with her Alzheimer's, she would be Lord knows where every day.  She tries anyhow and has bruises to prove it.  I have great grandchildren that still see the magic in Christmas, but our oldest kid is gone.  Everyone liked to give presents to Billy, and that is why we called him Billy the Kid.  Long before the events, he would want to know "what are you going to get me?"  He usually had his own ideas and was more fun to buy things for than any five-year-old.  He would let the presents pile up beside him and slowly, meticulously pick through each one.  I am no fun to buy things for, though they keep trying.  My grandmother would save her gifts from all the family and re-gift them the next year to various family members.  It was often said "I gave this to her for her birthday" when one received a gift they had given earlier.  I use my gifts, but want for nothing (except my best friend Billy), and even when Billy was with me, I was more the Grinch than a good person to buy for.  They keep trying though, and I am appreciative of everything, but do not really want anything.  As a child, Christmas dinner was at one grandparent's house and supper was at the others.  I was lucky to keep my grandmothers until I was long married and had kids of my own.  In marriage we went to both parental homes just as we had done before and sometimes when to the grandparents too.  Many cousins, many cousin's families.  As I am sure each of your family's traditions included whatever traditional meal was established.  This year my daughter said let's go against the grain and have pizza, roast, or some other non-traditional meal.  Someone always says, no, lets have the turkey and dressing.  This Christmas will be exceptionally bleak with Billy the Kid no longer with us.  But, the tradition will go on just as it did when we lost Granddaddy Haynes, Mammaw Haynes, Daddy Wise, Grandma Wise, my own dad,  all the many aunts and uncles and even 2-3 cousins, Billy's parents, brother, niece, and many others.  There will be the ghosts of Christmas past and a few new ghosts.  The one most missed forever will be Billy the Kid though.  And, it will not be held in Arkansas, but in traditional Louisiana. We will all try, for the feelings of each one of us.  And, I wish each of you as happy a Christmas as you can manage.  If I was allowed to drink, I am sure the eggnog and Jack Daniel's would flow freely.

[hollowheart]

2 hours ago, scba said:

I fear New Year. I'm receiving messages (addressed not only to me) that express "wishing you an amazing year" "may your dreams come true"....

I fear the new year too. I feel like I"m leaving her behind.

 

[kevin]

Marg, your articulate message convinced me to Cook a Turkey for Christmas.......I remember those meals and the people. I have a B&D electric carving knife I've used for the past 31 Christmas's and a relatively new platter.  It would be a shame to leave them stand idol. I am fortunate to have a dog who will happily eat Turkey left overs for days without a complaint.......You don't know what you got....(you know the rest)

[Margm]

Yes Kevin, the most important thing in our life will only be there in spirit (if I can get my mojo working). But, there are still a few things we can be thankful for.  Merry Christmas to you, and to the many friends I know each of you have, and I hope they are there for all of you in some way.   

[kevin]

My pre Christmas trip worked out great, even the cold brought back a lot of good memories,,,,. Had some kind of sweet potato casserole that was so tasty...daughter in law great cook......The real surprise was yesterday, kids asked if they could come down here next year......I told for sure, I'll start getting ready now(that means I will leave some decorations up)......This week will be tough, but not as bad as it could be....did some light reading last night and got into quotes...this one I truly love......“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde

[Guest]

I definitely went from living to existing. Glad the trip went well. You deserve it. We have five days of "frozen mix" in forecast. Shoveled two feet of frozen mix last time. 

[hollowheart]

I have gone from living to existing too.

[kayc]

Brad, wish you were here, I have a lot of shoveling to do this week, it's really putting it down.  The snow is heavy, wet, hard to shovel.  They predict anywhere from over 1 foot to over 3 feet of it.  Ugh, there goes Christmas plans.  And I can't get t.v. because my satellite dish keeps losing reception.  Oh well, no time to watch it anyway!  It would be nice to relax in the evening though...

[Froggie4635]

Last Christmas was a week after Mark's funeral service.  I was completely numb.  I went to mass on Christmas Eve with my mother-in-law, but when I heard the Christmas music, I cried. I made it back to her house afterwards, and had someone take me home.  Then I went to her house Christmas morning, thinking no one would be there like the previous year that Mark and I went over. Instead, so many people came and it was overwhelming. I didn't make it to the annual Christmas Dinner.  I made a promise to go this year.  Mark and I weren't much for putting up decorations...a lot of the time, I got down at Christmas.  After we bought our home, I got sad because I FINALLY was happy, and my parents were both gone and I didn't have my family to share in it.  Then, once we got our young dogs, putting up decorations was just asking for trouble.  A friend of my mother-in-law gave me a beautiful poinsettia.  It was a nice gift, but now is something else for me to take care of.  This morning, my mother-in-law asked me if Mark's sister, Mary could have one of his shirts.  I have a feeling she is going to make something out of it for me, because she also asked my MIL for a shirt from Mark's dad, who passed a year before he did.  I didn't take any time off work, except Christmas Day.  No reason for me to stay home and think.  I have managed to avoid all the sentimental Christmas stories, and brought my iPod to work to listen to songs I like and not Christmas carols.  I guess I set it in my mind to really just not think about it, and so far, I have been doing good at that.  The temps here are too warm...supposed to be 78 on Christmas day.  There won't be anything that will make this season better...all I want for Christmas is something that I can't have...and it is heartbreaking.

[Margm]

We certainly exist, unfortunately, that is all.  I am among family. They are so supportive, hurting themselves, but do not try to judge me. I love them all.  My thought for today was by Sara Henderson: "Don't wait for the light to appear at the end of your tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself."  I am not young anymore and the light of my life went out.   I am no swimmer but I have to find the surface to breathe.  I often feel I am drowning. Billy said "the one left must stay."  So here I stay.

 

[Guest]

Kayc- Wish I was there too.  Deedo always worried that I would have a heart attack shoveling snow and that doesn't sound so bad now.  Wet heavy snow is the best I'm told. Sorry you don't have your dish.  I watch little t.v. although it's on most nights; stream mostly Netflix from my phone but watch very little.  Someday I'll need to re-watch everything again.  Living in rural areas have advantages until the snow hits then it's time to light a fire and find a good book.  Sorry your plans are in jeopardy.  

 

Maryanne - RE: Poinsettia - we always took care of ours and they died anyway. I suggest you enjoy it as long as you want and then pitch it.  I've avoided all Christmas movies and songs as much as possible as well.  I change for me since up until this year Christmas music started on November 1 and movies too.  Maybe next year...maybe not.  I sent an email to my kids telling them that the only thing I want this Christmas nobody on Earth can give me so instead honor their mother by playing Christmas Angels to a family in need.  Another tradition we started thirty years ago but now it's time to pass down to the next generation.  Goes back to Kayc's coping discussion.  They feel good and so do I.  

[WolfsKat]

44 minutes ago, Brad said:

 I sent an email to my kids telling them that the only thing I want this Christmas nobody on Earth can give me so instead honor their mother by playing Christmas Angels to a family in need.  Another tradition we started thirty years ago but now it's time to pass down to the next generation.  Goes back to Kayc's coping discussion.  They feel good and so do I.  

I like that, Brad!  Connor and I felt we were each other's "gifts"...so instead of gifts to one another, we make up "goody bags" w/a Christmas card (anonymously signed, and simply addressed "To YOU!"), Christmas candy and scratch-off lottery tickets.....put into Ziploc bags, and then we drive all over town, taping them up in public places (gas pumps are a favorite)....our "random acts of kindness"....we got such a kick out of doing this, I've always hoped somebody won big! I am continuing this, and will in the future, in Connor's memory....I may be crying when I go out alone to do it this year, but I want to carry on our little tradition in his honor....I think Connor will be smiling down at me.

[Guest]

I love that idea Wolfskat.  Anonymous gifting is the best in my opinion.  When I was in Texas I took my boy to breakfast; there were only five customers in the cafe including us so I grabbed the waitress and told her I would discretely like to pick up everyone's tab.  She immediately told everyone (apparently discretion is not in her vocabulary); I was not happy.  When you know who is buying your breakfast you say Thank you and forget about it.  When you don't know you think about it and get the warm fuzzy all over again.

 

Connor is smiling down on you, this I strongly believe.  And those tears? Those tears are cathartic tears, healing tears because they are tears you are sharing with Connor.